More hair talk.

It's been a while since my last post (kind of). I'm almost 100% convinced that I'm going to be getting a boyish haircut - maybe by this summer or winter. I'd like my hair to look like Lin Zai Zai's:

I don't think I'd be able to pull it off as well though. I'll be pinching my nose a lot to make it look sharper. :D My mom's buying me a nose clip that is said to be able to make people's noses look taller/higher, so I might do a review on that once it arrives. I've read a lot of reviews that said the nose clips don't work, but I'm really sceptical because I've been pinching my nose with my fingers for the last couple of months and I feel that it has gone a lot higher.

I need to grow taller too even though I'm coming to the end of my growing years. And I need to slim down too so that my face wouldn't look really fat with short hair since my face is already quite chubby. @_@

Yesterday, I had a haircut and got a few inches of my hair cut off because my ends were really damaged. I think it looks quite cute, but it made my face look bigger because the weight of my hair isn't pulling itself down to frame my face anymore. x__x Oh well, I need to get used to having hair in my face/near my eyes.

Also, I'm curious how some people's hair sort of group together. Like in the last picture of Zai Zai above, her fringe sort of gathers and become thinner and thinner? I drew a picture to illustrate what I mean:

Sorry about the crappiness. xD

I want my fringe to look like how it is in diagram 1, but for some reason mine just sprays out into individual strands of hair like in diagram 2. It looks very messy, and I don't know what the problem is. D: Did they use some kind of a hairstyling product?

Anyway, I better go to some homework now (I'll probably just end up surfing the Internet), so I'll end this here.

Seriously considering a boyish haircut.

I really want my hair to be cut really short. I've been wondering whether being a tomboy would suit me or not. My posture and the way I walk is quite similar to a guy's, I have a monotonous voice, I don't mind making faces that would be considered unattractive. I've been wanting a boyish haircut for a long time. Besides, it would be nice to have a dramatic change once in a while.

I've asked some of my friends whether I should get a boyish haircut. Two said yes, three said no. My 'best friend' said that it would look ugly and disgusting. She seemed to be getting the impression that I was a lesbian or something. I think she's homophobic to some extent. I told her that two other girls in our year have really short, boyish hairstyles, but she said it was different for them because they act more girly and that I already act like a boy. Isn't it more socially accepted for someone who looks like a boy to act like one, rather than a girl who acts like a boy?

One of my concerns is whether I would look good with a short haircut or not. I'd take a photo of myself and edit a short haircut on using Photoshop, but my photos usually end up not looking like how I do in real life. I don't have a lot of boyish clothes either. I'm really short as well. I wish I had smaller breasts because they look pretty obvious when I'm just wearing a normal shirt. x__x I could get one of those compression shirts though. I'm also trying to pinch my nose to make it taller/higher so that it would look better.

I've told my mom about wanting to get a boyish haircut, and she said it's fine as long as it looks okay. Even if I end up regretting it, I could just get a fashion wig or something. I've seen a lot of really nice female wigs that I want to get, but not as many male ones.

I also really like girly things, like the colour pink and floral stuff as you can tell from my blog layout. And I like wearing dresses and skirts and looking pretty. D:

Meh I don't know... @_@

Scared.

The whole affair thing my dad's having isn't turning out like how I imagined it.

My mom had already properly talked to him about divorcing and splitting the money. At first he agreed, but then he seems to be backing out. I don't even know why. Why is he clinging on to mom and refusing to go to the 'woman of his dreams'? It's not like he has anything to lose.

Today my mom openly confronted him, saying that she knew about the affair. But my dad kept denying it and called her "crazy". I was sitting at my laptop in the dining room while my mom was in the kitchen when this happened. I suddenly heard my dad making an abrupt movement from his room and I thought he was going to try to kill my mom like he did last time.

I just felt cold internally. I would never, ever, ever forgive my dad if he did something to hurt my mom physically. I even prepared a pair of scissors next to me in case he tries to do something.

I don't understand. My mom even told him that they'd continue trying to start their food business together, except that they'd be separated in terms of personal life. Isn't that a fair deal? I think my dad's just clinging on to my mom just for her money. He's always so obsessed about money, shrieking how the family's wasting his money all the time. He's been trying to be 'nice' to my mom after she brought up divorcing, like telling her to forget about the past and all that. But my mom can't forget. She can't forgive him for all the horrible things he has done, and how much he has ruined her life. Even if she did forgive and forget, the same things would just happen again.

I'm really scared that my dad might hurt my mom. He has theatened to kill her before. It wasn't even like "If you don't do this, I'll kill you" or "I want to kill you". Just "I'm going to kill you". Except that the phrase was yelled in a insane, uncontrollable manner.

I wish someone would take him away. I actually wanted to call the police last time, but I was crying far too much to be able to speak properly.

Another tomboy phase.

Argh. I just want to get a pair of scissors and chop my hair right off. Not because it's bugging me or anything, but because I want to look like a boy.

I like wearing dresses and putting on makeup though, but I also want to look like a guy sometimes. I'm afraid that if I cut my hair really short, I'd end up regretting it and would have to wait a few years for it to grow back.

I want a male wig. D: One of those really nice K-pop styled ones. I probably wouldn't be able to get one until the next time I go to Taiwan (God knows how long), since everything in Taiwan is generally cheaper and I'd probably be able to try on a wig to see if it would suit me.

I want to be able to run my hand through my hair or flick my hair without looking like a narcissistic girl. I want to be able to laugh it off if someone calls me a "slut". I'd had a person calling me a slut before because I was apparently wearing a short skirt (that wasn't even 10 cm above my knee). Even though she was probably joking, I was pretty offended because I didn't know her well at all, so she really shouldn't be 'joking' like this. :\ But if I had been a guy in that situation, I'd probably say something like "Go suck a dick :D" and laugh instead of just walking away and letting myself be degraded that way.

Okay, I guess I could still say the same thing as a girl, but you know how girls always have to keep up with this pure, innocent image? Especially girls like me who are shy and quiet? If I say something 'mean' that is nothing compared to what other girls say, people would start spreading rumours about how vulgar I am.

I really want to be a guy. If I sounded arrogant, people would just dismiss it as being confident. As a girl, people would probably call me a "stuck-up bitch".

I know I've made an entry about this before but the urge to be a guy has suddenly come back, so I wanted to rant somewhere.

Kind of a short post today. Need to do a lot of work for French tomorrow.

Back from school.

Still not in a good mood. I was actually going to tell my 'best friend' about how my parents were going to divorce and everything that happened, but she was too busy ignoring/excluding me. Good thing that I didn't tell her though, otherwise she would've somehow ended up telling the whole class.

She was treating me like crap again today. I did a biology test that she's going to do tomorrow, and she asked me what questions came up and I told her. She had already done a physics test that I hadn't done yet, so she vaguely told me one or two things that came up. At first I thought that was all and maybe there wasn't much to say about the test anyway, but then I overheard her voluntarily blabbing the answers to someone else yet to do the test.

When I did the test later on in the day and it wasn't anything like how she described it. She said all I had to do was to do some calculations, and that they give the formulae in the test. The formulae WERE given in the test, but the teacher had already told us this long ago. The exam didn't just have calculations. It also had a lot of questions that required studying for you to be able to answer it correctly.

I can take a guess why she's acting this way - telling someone else the answers but not me. I think she's probably jealous of me, maybe, because in my last physics test I got a higher score than her. But even if that's true, I've always been getting better scores than her in almost all subjects, so I don't see why she'd treat me this way only now.

Then she wanted to go to an art museum with me because it was part of our art homework, but I don't want to go with someone like her. She's always so clingy to me when it comes to art, but then throws me away when she finds someone 'better'. :\ And I didn't like how she was treating my mom the last time we went to a gallery. I guess I'll come up with an excuse to go with JUST my mom. I'd prefer it so much more when I'm with someone I can be myself with.

I've been blogging a lot lately. Most of them were angry or depressed entries. It's hard to be happy when so much crap is happening.

Whenever something bad happens, I always feel like making some kind of a change. Like yesterday after my parents both agreed to divorce, I gave myself a haircut for the first time. Then last night I was feeling like shit from my dad blaming the divorce on me, so I changed my blog design around. I think it looks much better. :)

I have a headache right now. Gonna go take a nap or something.

This isn't helping.

Eh. A lot of crap happened today. Lots of arguing and yelling involved. My parents basically both agreed to divorce, but my dad's hiding money in multiple bank accounts.

Earlier on, my dad pretty much blamed me for causing the divorce. He said that this wouldn't have happened or gotten worse if I didn't tell mom about how he called her a witch, etc. Idiot. The divorce was bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with now. My dad has done countless things that pissed mom off - far too many to recount them here. He just couldn't handle the responsibility so he tried to blame it on me. How pathetic. If I didn't know my dad well, I could've gotten depressed and suicidal over the accusation of causing the divorce, like how many kids turn out when their parents divorce. I read on a website that the parents should ensure their children knows that it wasn't their fault. But I guess my dad would rather push the blames onto a freakin' 15-year-old instead of handling it like an adult.

He said that I was the only one who wanted them to divorce. WHAT THE FUCK. Did he forget about everything he said before, like how he wanted to leave and couldn't continue living on like this arguing with mom? And that he shrieked at my mom to get out of the house multiple times? That he's having an affair with another woman? WELL HE DID BECAUSE HE'S THAT FUCKING STUPID. You'd think a cheater (especially a first-timer) would feel guilty about it, but no. Or maybe this isn't my dad's first time cheating. :\

I heard that since my parents got married in Taiwan, they have to go back to Taiwan to get divorced too which isn't very convenient, especially with money being so tight. Does that mean we get to go to Taiwan this summer? :D Yaaay~
...Probably not. Plane tickets are too expensive for us now. My dad said that he's going to move back to Taiwan next week. I hope that's true because that would make me and my mom's life so much easier. But he usually says something about leaving and ends up not leaving. -__-

I have two exams tomorrow. I haven't revised for one AT ALL and only skim-read a textbook for the other test. Well this is going to go great. Hope this doesn't happen for my actual exams because my exams tomorrow are just practices, sort of.

I didn't go to school today because... well I don't even know. Guess I wanted to sleep in or something.

I'm feeling really down again.