Thursday 21 August 2014

We broke up.

We were really happy for a few months after he sorted out his flirting problem. Then he had to choose between his family or me. He chose his family.

I don't blame him for choosing his family, but it seems like he had lied about taking me seriously. He just seems really fickle. Months ago, he was always talking about how he hates his family and how he wants to get away from all the Arab traditions. All of a sudden, he just... changed.

Apparently his sister asked him a week ago while they were on holiday about what he thinks will happen to us in the future. The issue has been bothering him since. I don't know why he didn't discuss this with me earlier and only brought it up because it was somewhat relevant to a conversation we were having.

I thought he had been acting distant ever since he came back from holiday. I pointed this out to him and he said he wasn't. What really upsets me is that he had been shamelessly asking me to show him my body when he knew perfectly well that he had no intentions of having a future together. He'd literally beg me when I said no.

I think I'm far too nice for my own good. Every single thing that he has done to me I had forgiven. The way he had trashed my self-esteem and told me I wasn't good enough. The way he tossed me aside while he was holiday and said I was annoying. The moment he comes back, he just wants to see my body. He only wanted me when he needed me. I put up so much fucking bullshit. I couldn't even vent out all of my pent-up resentment and frustration in the end. I couldn't express all of the horrible things he had done to me so that he could at least repent.

But fuck, he has also done nice things for me to. Buying me presents, cheering me up (sometimes) when I'm sad by singing badly and goofing around, telling me that I'm beautiful.

It's so hard because I don't know if he's worth my kindness. Or maybe I'm just weak. If I were stronger and tougher, I'd cut him out of my life instead of asking if we can just go back to being friends. He liked the idea of being friends. Maybe I should've just told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and how he had completely wrecked me.

Hearing the words "I love you" everyday really becomes addicting. I just don't want to lose him completely. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have no friends. He was pretty much the only person I've really opened up to in the recent years.

This rant is a complete mess, sorry. It's hard to think straight. It just hurts so much that he'd choose the family he claimed he hates over me. I wasn't important to him at all like he was to me.

I dealt with all the awful ways he treated me, believing that maybe someday everything would sort itself out and somehow we'd live happily ever after. That's what I get for trying so hard until the very end, huh?

Ever since I started dating him, I've become very cynical about the whole idea of "love". I don't understand why he even asked me out if he was going to follow Arab traditions of arranged marriages in the end. I feel like I was used just for him to kill time. I was perfectly fine without him. I was living a very content life. How can I be content now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have that one special person who you tell everything to? Who do I talk to now?

Sorry for the long post and if anything made no sense. I feel so heartbroken.

Monday 7 July 2014

Stupid.

My boyfriend got mad at me because I was IMing someone when he linked a video for us to watch together. I kept switching between watching the video and IMing (we were in a discussion) and he realised this, and snapped to just forget about the video and to close it.

I felt bad and kept making sad noises like "Nn. :c" because he wasn't talking and I wanted to show him that I felt bad.

He got even more angry and slammed his desk a few times and yelled at me to stop it. "STOP MAKING THOSE NOISES. WHAT IS IT!? WHAT!"

Now I'm crying.

idk.

I cry really easily when people yell at me.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere.

Saturday 17 May 2014

18 now!

I turned 18 on 11th May but I completely forgot to make an entry about it. I also just realised that I haven't posted since March, lol. Everything's been going great with my relationship since that last big argument we had towards the end of February. I haven't noticed him flirting since then and he's been really lovely to me. c:

It was the last day of school yesterday. I'm done with secondary school forever, woo! But I have exams coming up before I'm completely done.

Onto the presents now!

My boyfriend got me an Arpakasso and my friends got me the rest of the stuff: a teddy bear, hair bow, hairpins, lipstick, chocolate, two gel eyeliners, false eyelash glue and silver eyeliner. <3


The lipstick colour is soooo pretty omg. I didn't filter that photo!

My boyfriend came up with the name Kassi for my Arpakasso but I've sorta just been calling her Arpa, lol. I'm uncreative with names. OTL She's so cute. <3 I've been cuddling her every time I go to sleep.

So yeah, everything is going pretty well in my life recently! It's been a while since I've felt so content with everything. I mean I'm kinda stressed out over the upcoming exams but hey, this is more than enough for me. :D Now that I think of it, I think it's all the arguments I've had with my boyfriend that's been making me so depressed before this. I had been feeling like life isn't worth living for because of all the drama and I was getting really pessimistic about the whole idea of love. I was so sure that I didn't want anything to do with men for the rest of my life after all the bad experiences I've had before I met my boyfriend, then I pretty much lost all faith in men after how he treated me and getting my emotions toyed with for 10 months. :/ It's all okay now though. I still feel kind of sad/angry when I think about the past, but he doesn't do any of the stuff he did anymore.

Can't think of anything else to say. I'll probably be gone for a while again because I have to study. You can find me on Tumblr and Instagram though. :D Bye bye~

Tuesday 25 March 2014

Life Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. February had been an awful month for me and I had a lot of arguments with my boyfriend. I don't think it's worth mentioning though. I can't remember what each of them were specifically about anyway - it was probably just me being angry at the way he treats me and how he keeps flirting.

Though I do remember that near the end of February, we had a huge argument and came really close to breaking up. I couldn't go through it in the end. He told me he was tired of arguing all the time. I am too. All I'm asking is for him to stop flirting with other girls and to treat me with a little respect.

I should stop talking about depressing stuff, haha. On the bright side, things have been pretty good since then. It's been a bit over a month since our last argument. c: Usually we argue once a month so this is actually really good progress. Kinda sad, really.

He told me about a convo he had with a girl friend at work a week after the nude-girl incident. I noticed that it seemed really flirtatious so I confronted him about it a week or so ago. He admitted he was flirting and apologised, though at first he pretended he didn't remember me asking him not to flirt because he didn't want me to get mad. Oh well.

Oh and he promised me that he won't talk to nude-girl anymore but he did just the other day and I called him out on it. He apologised. I wasn't even the one who told him not to talk to her - he's the one who made that promise himself.

He's not keeping to his promises but hey, what can I do. At least he apologised, I guess. I've been calm and patient those two times he broke his promises. I think I might start to get pissed off if he does it one more time.

I hate talking about this because I can feel my anger building up slowly but I want to keep track of what's been going on. I really don't want to have another argument again. It's tiring and I'm always the only one who's getting hurt.

Anyway, onto non-relationship stuff.

I'm thinking of changing my name legally. I'm definitely getting my last name changed to my mom's because my dad sucks, and I want to change my first name because I never liked it all that much. Plus, my dad is the one who named me. I've been trying to decide between Emmy and Emi for the past few days. I asked a few friends and they all liked Emi, so I think that's what I'm going to go for. :D

Oh yeah, did you know it only costs £15 to get your name changed in the UK? I though it'd cost something in the hundreds. According to what I've read, you just need to get a legal document that proves your name change, then you have to change your name on your passport and other stuff yourself by showing them the document. So it's pretty simple. :D I think.

edit: Also, I've recently realised that I'm not a jealous person. I'm completely fine with my boyfriend having girl friends. Hell, I was even fine with him talking to a girl he used to be in love with, until he started asking her personal sex questions like what gets her wet. He has even gone on "dates" with other girls - eating and hanging out alone together. I was fine with that, because that's something you'd do with same-gender friends too. But flirting? Nope. I'm not going to happy with him going on a "date" with that work friend he flirts with anymore because that clearly shows he doesn't see her as just a friend but as a girl he's interested in, despite how much he denies it and says flirting doesn't mean anything.

Ugh, feeling my anger build up again. Gonna end this now.

Saturday 8 February 2014

Relationships suck.

Well. February so far has been awful. It's a really long story.

Basically my boyfriend has been flirting with another girl online and liked one of her nude pics she posted on a forum. I called him out on it. At first he apologised. I ranted to our mutual friend about it, who got really angry at his behaviour so she yelled at him.

I was taking a nap when she yelled at him. When I woke up, my boyfriend was suddenly acting off. He started yelling at me, accusing me of throwing him under the bus every time I get mad, yet I always expect him to be patient.

Some of the few things he said:
"Of course I'm always the bad guy, right?"
"What might be a big deal to you is not a big deal to me."
"I liked a picture. Big whoop."
"You're telling me that I did something wrong. I don't think I did. Sorry."

him: What do you want?
me: I just wish you were more aware of the boundaries in a relationship.
him: You say this like you're an expert. Didn't you ask me at one point what the normal boundaries were? What normal friends do and what normal couples do?
me: More of an expert than you are.
him: That's funny.

Then he told me that he asked for his best friend's opinion. He always listens to that guy. He basically invalidated my feelings based on what his friend said.

He gave me an attitude the day before too, when I asked him to try not to say anything misleading that would make me assume he's interested in another girl (this was before he admitted he was flirting with nude-girl).

Yesterday he told me that there's nothing wrong with flirting when you're in a relationship because it's not serious so it doesn't mean anything. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be flirting? Doesn't being in a relationship mean you're committed to that one person and so you shouldn't be playing around with other people?

Anyway, I wasn't able to change his mind. I did ask him if he was willing to stop flirting with other girls if I asked him to and he said yes. So I guess there's no problem now, unless he repeats what he does.

I don't know. I've been feeling very iffy since then. I feel like I'm losing my feelings for him? I used to be so happy when we could call - when I could see his face and hear his voice. But now I just don't feel anything at all. I felt nothing when he told me that I was pretty and how much he loved me. I don't know if it's because I've been depressed ever since that argument. I don't really feel happy anymore.

Everyone's been telling me to break up with him. My friends, my mom, strangers on the Internet, etc. They all tell me I deserve to be treated better. I hope we don't have to break up. We've had so many good memories and he does make me smile when he's not mad. We've agreed to calmly discuss it if I'm bothered by something he's doing, which I think is fair. But next time if I calmly talk to him and he still snaps, or if he still doesn't stop showing interest in other girls, then I'm afraid that's that. I don't want to be mistreated anymore.

For the first time in a long time, I cut myself again. My boyfriend found out and told me it wouldn't happen again. I really hope it doesn't. I'm tired of arguments and drama. I just want to have a stable relationship that makes me feel secure and content.

Oh and I was finally able to clear out my Whatsapp history with him. Whatsapp has been taking up a ton of space on my phone because I kept every single pic he sent and all of the texts. I didn't have the heart to delete them because memories are really important to me, but I was finally able to today. I wonder if it means something.

Wednesday 8 January 2014

Pics for my store!

Finally got around to taking photos of myself wearing the clothes I want to sell on my online store. I had pictures of them just on coat-hangers but it didn't make them look very appealing. I really like how some of the pictures turned out so I'm posting them here. XD

 
 

It looks so much better than the coat-hanger pictures! :D Plus people can get an idea of what size they are. I still need to note down the material of each clothing to put in the description. I really hope people will buy my stuff, lol.

Short entry, sorry. Just wanted to keep the pics somewhere.