I've regularly gone through phases of wanting to be a man since I was 13 or so. Funnily enough, I have a few posts from back in 2011 and 2012 talking about it. I always thought I was just a weird girl who wanted to be a boy, but in the last few months, I realised that apparently these are thoughts trans men think about often before they transition.
I still don't know what I am. I'm totally lost and confused. I still see myself as a woman who wants to be a man, instead of a man stuck in a woman's body.
It's almost surreal reading back at my old posts talking about how much I want to be a boy and how things, even the most mundane, would be better. It seems like all the signs were there and I somehow missed them all.
I'm now 26, engaged and own a house on mortgage. I've set the foundations for my typical, straight cis girl life. Yet, I've always just felt unhappy with how I am. Recently I've been more sad than usual because of relationship issues - it's been going on for years. The gender dysphoria seems to be getting worse. Am I sad because I want to be a man so badly, or do I want to be a man so badly because I am sad? I wish I knew, then perhaps making a life-changing decision would be easier.
I realised what my feelings of wanting to be a man truly were around May 2022, just before my 26th birthday. It's odd - I've always had this feeling that I'd never live past 25. I just couldn't see myself beyond the age of 25. But here I am, still breathing, at age 26. Maybe I just never saw myself living as a woman past 25.
Occasionally when I talk, I slip and say things like "When I'm an old man" or "I'm doing x like an old man". Somehow the words came so naturally out of me long before I realised I have gender dysphoria. I thought I was just being scatterbrained, but now I'm wondering if a subconscious part of me was expecting to grow old as a man.
I'm so tired of living these days. I've gone through so much already in my teen years. I'm ready to rest. Yet, when I imagine myself as a man, the little things in life seem so much more joyful. Hanging out with friends as a man. Riding a bus as a man. Walking to the supermarket as a man. Why do these things seem to make life sound magical again?
I'm too scared to medically transition. I'm scared of throwing away the life I have built around my current identity. I'm scared that even if I did transition, I would never become the kind of man I want to be. I want to be logical. I want to be confident. I want to be intelligent. I want to be assertive. I want to have leadership qualities.
I don't want my silly, crippling phobias; how prone I am to letting people treat me like dirt; how scared I get when someone confronts me; how emotional I get; how easily I cry. I'm only 5'3". I know it's toxic masculinity but I feel like I can get away with these things as a woman. I'm so damn weak, and it's socially acceptable to be that way as a woman.
I wish I could be a strong man.
