It's been five years.

Somehow it's been five years since my last entry. I haven't totally forgotten about this blog of mine - I just haven't felt the need to express my thoughts somewhere private. A lot of things have happened. I got engaged to my partner (the one I met in university) as of November 2019. I've been freelance modelling for four years. I've graduated from uni and now have a stable job. I bought a house with my fiancé in August 2020. Things are good.

Honestly, I revisited this blog today because I was feeling down about life in general for some reason. I think I still have some sort of trauma from everything I experienced in my adolescence (most of which have been recorded here). Sometimes I just feel like things aren't "right" in my life and that I still haven't achieved happiness. This morning, I planned to go on this blog and write an entry about these depressive bouts I go through sometimes, and all the things currently going wrong in my life.

I got curious about previous entries I've written and ended up down the rabbit hole of reading a good chunk of my past entries, starting in 2011 to 2013. This was a time when I was struggling a lot with family issues and my abusive dad. Then mid-2013 to 2014, I struggled with an abusive boyfriend. I stopped reading at the mid-2013 point because that next period of my life was exhausting and there are a lot of things I regretted or wish I could have done differently in hindsight.

Anyway, reading all those past entries was eye-opening for me. My life really is significantly better now. I was shocked by the utter misery and hopelessness I must have felt in my younger years. I used to absolutely hate my appearance, which I don't remember having felt so strongly about it. Somehow I've forgotten about how bad things used to be.

I talked about my goals of "getting good grades", "getting a stable job" and "finding someone who loves me". I've achieved all of these now. In my most recent entry, I talked about wanting a freelance part-time job and I've achieved this too with modelling.

My life has done a 180 and I probably couldn't have ever dreamt of having my current life back when I was 15 years old. My mind is still plagued sometimes by all the struggles and abuse I went through, but looking back, my life has undoubtedly improved. It wasn't a lie when people say things get better. They really do. I just need to remind myself of this.

Things are good. :)

I'm alive!

The summer holidays flew by and now I'm going back to university this Sunday. I'll be living in dorms again. I'm not looking forward to the food and the amount of socialising required, but I'm hoping to make new (lasting) friends this time round. Last year I only had Chinese international/exchange students as my friends. They're all leaving the country eventually and they don't have Facebook so it makes it awkward to keep in contact. My Mandarin isn't too great either so it's difficult to keep up in conversations.

I haven't been up to much otherwise. I went on a trip to Pretzfeld, Germany with my boyfriend and his family, which was nice. I tried to look for some freelance jobs I could do on Fiverr but didn't have much luck. I also started up a T-shirt store but again, no luck with sales. It doesn't seem like there's any convenient jobs that I can take on other than proper part-time jobs, which would be risky to juggle during an architecture course. I looked into other freelancing sites but they just weren't very user friendly and appeared to be aimed at full-time freelancers rather than students without any experience.

I've been looking at copy-typing jobs since that appears to be the only thing I'm really good at. I did a quick online test and had a typing speed of 100 wpm. Not as fast as I used to be (130 wpm) but it's still a lot faster than the average person. All other jobs ask for qualifications of some sort.

So I guess I just need to be patient. I can't wait to graduate and begin job-hunting. I just want to do something productive. Anything. I feel restless.

I did do one sort-of productive thing during the summer though. I've learnt to recognise all hiragana characters. I've still yet to tackle katakana though.

...Literally just got distracted and started learning katakana, so I'll be cutting this entry short.

Get over it.

So apparently my ex has been writing a LOT of stuff about me on forums. Mostly negative comments. Jesus fuck, leave me alone. It's been almost a year since we broke up so I don't know why he's still talking about me and obsessing over me. Get the fuck over it. :/

It's making me extremely uncomfortable. He's disgusting and pathetic.

Just wanted to rage somewhere.

Just dropping in.

Sorry for disappearing again. I don't really blog much about my life anyway these days. I don't really have much to talk about. Back when I was blogging regularly, it was because I was feeling down and wanted to write my feelings somewhere no one knows me in real life. Since not a lot of people read my blog anyway, I feel less motivated to write about other stuff.

I've been pretty happy though. ^^ I've been on Easter holiday for almost a month. I'm going back to uni in two days. Looking forward to see my boyfriend again. I miss hugging him. Life's been good.

I feel scared to talk about the good parts of my life sometimes. During my last relationship (which I've realised was pretty much an abusive relationship...), whenever I wrote about how things were calming down, more drama would happen because my ex loved to start shit. It was really exhausting.

I wrote a happy post on my Tumblr the other day, talking about how good my life is. I kept feeling very paranoid that someone (namely my ex) might read it and be all bitter about it. He'd start posting shit about my on forums like he did last time when he saw that I got a new boyfriend. People like him are pathetic.

I think I'm still traumatised by everything that happened. :/ I still feel afraid sometimes even though I shouldn't be anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Hopefully time will heal my wounds.

I'm okay otherwise though. Around 2 months of uni left and I'll be done with my first year. :D I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future. I used to want to be an architect, but I'm not so sure anymore. The course is 7-8 years long and the starting salary isn't even that great. I can't even just do the first part of Architecture and be an architectural assistant for the rest of my life since they only earn £20,000/year max. :/ I'm hoping to be able to switch to game design of some sort without needing more studies. For now I can only just stick with Architecture since I don't want to have wasted a whole year of university fees.

That's all I really have to talk about. I'll drop in again some other day. :p

Back for a bit!

Hello, lurkers. I've neglected this blog for quite some time and a lot of things have changed in my life since.

I'm now a somewhat proud university student! University life is pretty good and it's nice having a fresh new start without being constrained by people's judgements. I'm also no longer sad about the breakup with my ex (actually I stopped being sad like a few days after the breakup, but I still get a bit angry when I think about how he had treated me). We were friends for a while, then after around a month when I began university and started meeting guys, he started acting incredibly bitter every time I mentioned something about a guy, even though he was the one who told me to tell him about them. So I cut off my friendship with him and boy am I glad to be rid of a jealous bitch.

My self-esteem has gone up immensely ever since the breakup. Looking back on that unhealthy relationship, I really wonder what I was even thinking. I met a wonderful guy in university and we started dating, and it's pretty astounding when I compare my new relationship with my old one. With my current boyfriend, I feel things I've never felt before towards my ex. I get all girly whenever he compliments me (squealing, aww-ing, rolling on the bed kicking the mattress, etc.), which is a first for me. He's far more independent too but also affectionate, so I get the attention I want as well as not being suffocated at the same time. My ex was way too insecure and always tried to blame everything on me. I probably began mirroring his behaviour at some point. Obviously he'd never accept that he's insecure and problematic. The way he'd try to convince me that I had clinical depression was ridiculous too.

I think he went on my Tumblr blog the other day and saw my posts about my new boyfriend, so he said some shit about me behind my back. Probably out of jealousy since he's a jealous bitch. He's been using dating websites and apps for months but he still can't get any. ʅฺ(・ω・。)ʃฺ

My architecture course is going okay. I came across the fundamental problem that occurs in all design-based courses: different tutors have different opinions about your design. One might decide that it's shit and another might tell you it's fine the way it is. Sigh. It just confuses me because I don't know which one to go for. It'll probably work out somehow.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say for now. I've become really bad at writing about my life. I used to be able to talk about nonsense for the longest time and really enjoyed doing so, but in the past year or so I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore? I dunno. I just wanted to write this entry to let anyone out there reading my blog know that I'm doing okay (especially since my last entry was so depressing). A burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've moved on and am still moving on with my life. ^^