Anyway, onto the main topic of this post: after reading all my entries, I think I used to be depressed. And I think I had been a better writer. Damn it, I should be improving. Honestly, as stuck-up and arrogant as this might sound, I seriously enjoy my style of writing from before. It was more dramatic, more interesting and it made me want to read on (even though it's my own journal). I don't remember writing some of the entries though. I'll copy and paste a couple of extracts to show you what I mean by the old me being depressed (they are all written a bit more than two years ago).
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I am no longer telling anyone anything anymore. Not when they will force me to do something I don't want to do.
My mom doesn't understand. She never does. The reason why I'm so weak: it's because I feel so lonely. I don't care if I am being used. Just the thought that I am useful is enough. I crave for company, for acknowledgment, for someone to accept and understand.
Just leave me alone.
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I have finally realized what I truly want:
Power, authority, control, and respect.
I crave for power. The authority to command others. I want the ability to silence imbeciles with a simple gesture. I want to control whether someone speaks or not. I want respect, so everyone would listen to what I have to say. Perhaps even fear.
I don't want anyone looking down at me anymore, I don't want to be spoken to as if I was inferior, and I don't want to struggle for acceptance.
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I feel like running away. I want to get away from all of this. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of school, of my dad, of my life. I'm probably just a burden anyway. All I do is upset people. I know that I should be grateful to my dad for working to earn money and for raising me, but I'm just tired now. I'm just tired.
If only I could just disappear. I want to just sleep and never wake up.
My heart hurts. The tears won't stop coming. My wish from so long ago never came true after all. If it did, it would have been better. Everything would have been better. I just can't take it anymore. It's enough.
If this is what life is, then I'm done with it. I could kill myself right now, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.
Who knew this could have happened?
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Don't these entries just make you feel so sad? Even though I was the one who wrote them, they're just so heartwrenching. If it was someone else who had written those, I'd really like to give her a hug and tell her that I'll always be there for her, that things will get better. The writer just seems like she's lost all hope and doesn't care about herself anymore. It's just so heartbreaking.
Of course, there were other more 'ordinary' entries but they aren't as significant. I still rant about anything bad that happens, but I no longer think about suicide or that everything would be better if I had never existed. I'm happy for that. I'm happy that I changed. I'm happy that I realised life wasn't like how I thought it was.
Maybe things are really getting better.
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