Losing my passion for art.

I cry so often in school. I feel like an idiot.

I'm really behind in art because I've barely been doing any of the homework. The art teacher got upset with me when she asked to see my sketchbook. She asked me why I wasn't doing the work and I didn't know what to say. Then she asked if I was having problems at home or if I just lost passion for art.

Then for some reason I started tearing up. I didn't know why. The teacher then asked to speak to me outside, and continued asking questions about why I'm not doing the work. She also asked when this started to happen and asked if it was because of her. I just kept saying that I don't know.

Then finally the teacher decided to leave the conversation there for now. While I was in the school bathroom trying to recompose myself, I started wondering why I stopped doing the work. It's not just "I'm too lazy" because I used to say that all the time last year, but I was still on schedule.

Then I realised something: I simply lost my passion for art.

I used to spend hours and hours on tonal drawings. I used to be overjoyed whenever my art homework involved drawing instead of research. I used to show off my work to my friends because I was so proud of it. I used to love just immersing myself in art, forgetting about the rest of the world.

But something changed. Something that happened right after GCSEs and before A-levels. It was the incident with my dad.

The reason why I loved drawing is because I could detach myself from reality. I remember drawing and painting with tear-filled eyes because it made me forget where I am. It was like talking to online friends - I could pretend that I'm in a different world where my dad can't bother me.

Now that my dad no longer lives with us, I've been much happier. I'm happy just sitting around at home doing nothing just because he's not around anymore. Which is why I stopped spending so much time drawing, because I'd rather do a half-assed job if it means I can spend more time with my mom and my brother. There's nothing I need to escape from anymore.

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Being dedicated to art but have my dad around, or no longer caring about art but without my dad around. It's either my family's health and safety or my grades. It's hard to decide which is better, especially since my mom is relying on me to get a decent job so that we can buy a house in the future.

I was still a bit tearful when I returned to the art room. There's a girl who I talk to sometimes painting on her canvas next to me. She probably noticed that I've been crying but she didn't say anything. I didn't mind because I wanted to be left alone anyway, but I was a bit worried that she might think I'm stupid for crying over something so silly. Later on that day when I passed her in the corridor, I smiled at her but she immediately avoided eye contact. :( I wish she could just pretend that nothing happened because I see her as a potential friend.

I don't think it's really fair to say that I'm extremely behind on all the work though. I didn't understand what the teacher was looking for. The week before, she said that I didn't do any sketches on my developing ideas for my canvas. She also said that my artbook was missing a lot of the work we've done in class. So over the weekend, I did two sketches of developing ideas and I stuck in most of the classwork I've done. I also created a small piece of work that was inspired by a particular artist we were supposed to research and I added more analytical notes. I also did research on two artists that I haven't yet done.

But today when the teacher looked at my book, she acted as if I haven't done anything at all. She said that I should've done a lot more on the developing ideas, though last week almost the entire class haven't done anything on that.

I guess the only thing I can do is keep drawing and painting. Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I just needed to vent. I wish I was emotionally stronger and wouldn't cry so easily.