More uncertainties.

Copied/pasted from my Tumblr. Thought I'd keep my life updated here too.

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I have so much I need to do - it’s so frustrating. .-. I’m hungry and tired and sleepy. I need to eat, take a nap, shower, do a maths paper, do stupid classics homework and go to sleep by midnight. I need to start listing out all the universities I want to apply to and put them in order with all their entry requirements, whether they require portfolios, cost per year, etc., as well as get started on my personal statement. And I need to choose a location in London and create a presentation about the architecture of that particular location.

I’m hating classics again because one of my teachers (I have two teachers for classics - one male, one female) patronised me yesterday, ugh. She told the class to discuss in pairs who Agamemnon is. My partner and I both knew that he was killed by his wife Clytemnestra and that he has a son called Orestes. The teacher then asked my partner what I had said.

Partner: He was killed by Clytemnestra.
Teacher: -super surprised face- Wooow! Anne said that?

Note: if you take classical civilisation and studied the Odyssey (or even if you’ve just watched a movie about the Trojan war), knowing that Agamemnon was killed by Clytemnestra is probably one of the most basic things you can possibly remember. If the teacher didn’t consider it as basic knowledge, then fair enough, but she specifically said my name, as if she’s only surprised because I knew that.

I’d love to get an A* by the end of this course just to see that look of surprise and utter disbelief on her face. Hell, this is the reason why I wanted to apply to Cambridge (other than how awesome the place looks and its prestigious reputation). If I happened to be offered a place there somehow, imagine the reactions of the people who thought I’m just a dumb quiet girl with no ambition or opinions of my own. I’d laugh right in their faces. Imagine how satisfying that would feel.

Not gonna apply to Cambridge anymore though since I’m pretty sure I failed physics really hard, lol. I don’t want to apply to any universities that require interviews because I’m terrible at those. It’s not even worth bothering to try. There’s one uni in London that I’m actually interested in, but they require interviews so there’s practically an almost-zero chance of me getting a place there. Plus if I’m gonna apply for a uni I most likely wouldn’t get in, I might as well go for Cambridge.

I’m wishing that I chose to study psychology instead of classics again. I might be going through a phase or something since I occasionally wish I was studying medicine, law, etc., but I think I may actually have a genuine interest in psychology, rather than the “Hey, it’d be cool to save lives”, “I’m pretty good at being unopinionated and adapting my mindset to argue for whatever cause I’m told to argue for” and “I’m pretty decent at art and maths so I’ll do architecture” attitude I’ve had. I love hearing what people think. I love learning why people think the way they do. I love thinking about how events in someone’s life may have re-shaped their personalities into who they are now.

I do like architecture based on the work experience I’ve done. Tracing cross-sectional views of buildings, rendering them on Photoshop and creating models of them on CAD were all super fun. I could spend hours and hours without a single break just perfecting every detail. The company director even said that the standard of the work I produced matched that of the full-fledged architects there. But I don’t feel… interested. I don’t feel the same fascination I feel when I read about how the human mind works.

Though I guess it’s still a good thing that I chose architecture in the end, since half the universities don’t interview architecture applicants. I don’t know about psychology, but there’d probably be a heavy emphasis on interviewing. I mean, if you want to be a psychologist, you’ve got to be able to talk to people comfortably, right?

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe psychology can just be a pastime of mine rather than a career. That doesn’t sound too bad anyway.

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On an unrelated note, I'll probably be talking about my relationship a lot here because I can't ramble about it on Tumblr since bf knows my Tumblr, lol. Still feels kind of strange referring to him as a boyfriend. I'm still not too used to the idea.

I've been feeling kind of down, actually. I haven't had a proper one-to-one Skype call with him for a few days. He's probably super busy because he's a very friend-oriented person, but even our text conversations seemed to have slowed down. Or maybe I'm not actually feeling upset. I just feel... normal. Like how I usually felt before I started liking him. Talking to him on Skype has been the highlight of my day for a few weeks and now that we haven't talked for a while, I guess the happy/giddy feeling sort of died down. I haven't smiled to myself before falling asleep the last few days. He said we'd talk today but he just texted me that he'll be going to a friend's house and won't be back until 11 PM. I have to go to sleep by midnight, so that leaves us very little time. And I have an exam on Thursday so I can't go on Skype tomorrow either. :c

Before we started dating, he said that a girlfriend would always take number one priority over his friends, haha. I'm starting to question it though. I'm not angry at him or anything - I just like feeling special and important, I guess. It's funny because the reason why I said I had so much to do today in the above post from Tumblr is because I wanted to finish everything by 9:30 PM, which is the usual time he comes home from work (internship), so I can talk to him until midnight. I skipped taking a nap so I can do my maths revision in time. I guess I'm ahead of schedule now. Hm. .-.

This is why I don't want to become too emotionally-attached to anyone. This is why I'm afraid of relationships. I want to be able to be completely fine on my own even when the person's gone. I'm doing okay so far, but I hope I don't get any more attached to him. I don't want to become one of those jealous, insecure girlfriends and start bitching at him for not talking to me enough. I need to respect his space too, and in order to do that, I need to focus on being emotionally independent and strictly set a distance.

Losing my passion for art.

I cry so often in school. I feel like an idiot.

I'm really behind in art because I've barely been doing any of the homework. The art teacher got upset with me when she asked to see my sketchbook. She asked me why I wasn't doing the work and I didn't know what to say. Then she asked if I was having problems at home or if I just lost passion for art.

Then for some reason I started tearing up. I didn't know why. The teacher then asked to speak to me outside, and continued asking questions about why I'm not doing the work. She also asked when this started to happen and asked if it was because of her. I just kept saying that I don't know.

Then finally the teacher decided to leave the conversation there for now. While I was in the school bathroom trying to recompose myself, I started wondering why I stopped doing the work. It's not just "I'm too lazy" because I used to say that all the time last year, but I was still on schedule.

Then I realised something: I simply lost my passion for art.

I used to spend hours and hours on tonal drawings. I used to be overjoyed whenever my art homework involved drawing instead of research. I used to show off my work to my friends because I was so proud of it. I used to love just immersing myself in art, forgetting about the rest of the world.

But something changed. Something that happened right after GCSEs and before A-levels. It was the incident with my dad.

The reason why I loved drawing is because I could detach myself from reality. I remember drawing and painting with tear-filled eyes because it made me forget where I am. It was like talking to online friends - I could pretend that I'm in a different world where my dad can't bother me.

Now that my dad no longer lives with us, I've been much happier. I'm happy just sitting around at home doing nothing just because he's not around anymore. Which is why I stopped spending so much time drawing, because I'd rather do a half-assed job if it means I can spend more time with my mom and my brother. There's nothing I need to escape from anymore.

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Being dedicated to art but have my dad around, or no longer caring about art but without my dad around. It's either my family's health and safety or my grades. It's hard to decide which is better, especially since my mom is relying on me to get a decent job so that we can buy a house in the future.

I was still a bit tearful when I returned to the art room. There's a girl who I talk to sometimes painting on her canvas next to me. She probably noticed that I've been crying but she didn't say anything. I didn't mind because I wanted to be left alone anyway, but I was a bit worried that she might think I'm stupid for crying over something so silly. Later on that day when I passed her in the corridor, I smiled at her but she immediately avoided eye contact. :( I wish she could just pretend that nothing happened because I see her as a potential friend.

I don't think it's really fair to say that I'm extremely behind on all the work though. I didn't understand what the teacher was looking for. The week before, she said that I didn't do any sketches on my developing ideas for my canvas. She also said that my artbook was missing a lot of the work we've done in class. So over the weekend, I did two sketches of developing ideas and I stuck in most of the classwork I've done. I also created a small piece of work that was inspired by a particular artist we were supposed to research and I added more analytical notes. I also did research on two artists that I haven't yet done.

But today when the teacher looked at my book, she acted as if I haven't done anything at all. She said that I should've done a lot more on the developing ideas, though last week almost the entire class haven't done anything on that.

I guess the only thing I can do is keep drawing and painting. Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I just needed to vent. I wish I was emotionally stronger and wouldn't cry so easily.

A smile makes my day.

It's been a while since I've talked about school, haha.

Today at school I was feeling very moody for some reason. I kept being oversensitive and kept thinking about negative things. The last few days, I've been feeling as if my 'best friend' is trying to steal a new friend I've made in class. Maybe I'm being selfish and possessive, I don't know. She ignores me completely when I try to join in their conversation - she doesn't even spare me a glance to acknowledge my presence. The new friend broke off in the middle of the convo to say hello to me, but my 'best friend' carried on talking as if I wasn't there.

I keep feeling that she's talking about stuff I don't understand on purpose, and she turns her back on me while facing my new friend so I couldn't say anything. This isn't the first time she has 'stolen' my friends. I used to be close with two other friends, but for some reason they started ignoring me and stopped listening to me after my 'best friend' befriended them. She also excludes me on purpose whenever I'm sitting with a group, and makes me move over so that I'm sitting alone in the corner. It's really strange. I don't know what she's doing that makes people like her so much. Did I do something wrong that made people dislike me?

Anyway, that's the basic story. Today we had the Tuesday programme so we (me, my new friend and 'best friend') walked to the boys' school (if you remember from one of my previous posts). Once we were 5 mins away from the school, we stopped at a bus stop where another group of girls from our school were sitting around since we still had some time left.

A boy from the boys' school who is in my class happened to be walking past and he smiled at me so I smiled back. Then he actually stopped to greet me properly and he asked me how I was. He was just talking to me casually and he even offered me some of the crisps he was eating (though I said no, lol). :D I was really surprised that he talked to me because I thought he'd just walk past. Plus he spoke only to me and wasn't trying to score with the group of girls I was with or anything, haha. He didn't even look at them once. I don't know how to explain the feeling but it made me feel special, as if I'm exclusive. It made me feel so much better since I was feeling so bitter and lonely this morning. He probably didn't think of it as anything, but really, I appreciated it so much. Thank you for cheering me up. <3

Talking to a guy.

Every Tuesday in my school, we have this programme where half the girls in the year go to an all-boys school and then half the boys in that school comes over to my school. My form was chosen to go to the boys' school, which sucks because I live really close to my school so now I have to take the bus home every Tuesday. It doesn't seem as bad now though since one of my friends is also taking the same bus. :D

Today I spoke to another guy my age who I'm not related to for the first time in yeeaaars. It was alright, I guess. It was pretty much the same as talking to a girl if I compare the content of the conversation. He randomly told me that he got hit by a horse over the summer and I was like "uh okay". We worked in a pair to answer some questions on a politic party and we finished by the end of the lesson while other pairs had to take the questions home to finish it off as homework. He was quite polite and even said "thank you" to me at the end of the lesson for some reason. xD

I saw two boys who was in the same class as me back in primary school, but they didn't seem to recognise me? I even had eye-contact with one of them for like 5 seconds and he just had a "wtf" expression. :x I didn't ask them if they remember me or said hi because they were both sitting with their friends and I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. ...Or maybe they didn't recognise me because my Facebook profile picture looks really different compared to how I look in real life, LOL.

kthxbai.

Unused to school.

It's been a couple of days since school started and I think I'm already starting to fall behind on the work. :s I've been so tired on school days lately. I sleep as soon as I get home and then I don't wake up until the next morning just to go to school again. I've been back from school for about an hour and I'm already feeling sleepy. I really need to do my art homework though.

I was late for my classic civilisation class today because I got lost. -_-; The annoying thing is that the teacher gave me a late mark, but there was another girl who was came later than me but the teacher just said "It's your first late so it's okay". Um, it's the first late for me too...? We even had the same excuse since both of us got lost. :\ I had a really bad impression of that teacher after that. Plus she said that Helen of Troy (since we're studying ancient Greek mythology) was a whore if she had willingly went to prince Paris. I'm not sure if she's trying to be funny or something, but it didn't seem like a joke and no one even laughed. I can see where she is coming from if she said that Helen was a cheater, but I don't think going to another man should be considered as "whore"-ish. Obviously the teacher is not a feminist.

I don't really like my physics class because there's nobody that I know. The teacher also talks a bit too much instead of getting straight to the point. :x

I haven't been making any new friends or meeting new people at all. I think I'm starting to get a little pessimistic. I'm also getting the urge to get a boyish haircut again because I sort of subconsciously feel that I'd be treated better if I looked like a guy. I always go through these wanting-to-look-like-a-guy phrases whenever something bad happens.

Sometimes I feel like I'm expecting too much. I guess I'm going to start on my art homework now.

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Edit: Yaaay, I just changed my blog layout! The colour scheme's the same, but it looks so much better since the post background used to be just a massive block of text. Now you can see more of the pink heart background. :D

Here's a photo because I haven't posted any in a while:

In the original photo, I actually didn't have any makeup on, but I photoshopped my zits away, drew on eyeshadow, edited on false lashes, etc. I'm getting better and better at Photoshop now, lol. I wish there was a class for this in school. Then every lesson, all that the students would do is take badly taken photos and photoshop them to look better. If a class like this existed, it would be my most favourite class ever. ;-;

First day of sixth form.

Today was my first day of sixth form (year 12). We didn't have any lessons and sort of just sat around and met our form tutors.

School does feel quite different as a sixth former actually, especially since we finally get to wear our own clothes (the lower years have to wear uniform). Plus I felt much more casual and free in a way, and the lower years seem to look at me in awe. xD Usually when I almost bump into someone in the corridors when I was back in year 11, they would give me annoyed looks but now they just laugh it off. I'm still quite short though and a lot of the students from lower years were taller than me. :x

Quite a lot of people complimented my outfit - I would've taken a photo but I didn't think of blogging about this, so I've already changed back to comfortable clothes. -_-

One good thing is that there's at least one person that I know in each of my classes! :D But I was so sad when I found out that the friend who I went on Omegle with was going to another school. I didn't know until I stalked her Facebook. She's a lot of fun to be around and we laughed so much during Latin lessons last year. Hopefully we can meet up next holiday to go on Omegle again and talk about sixth form life in different schools.

Right at the beginning of the day, I went to the sixth form centre where everyone was gathering and I was just standing around like a noob because I couldn't see any of my friends. Then one of the new year 12 girls came over to me and asked me to join her with more of the new students. She thought that I was new to the school because I looked a bit lost. xD I really hope that I'll meet more of the new students and make some new friends. c:

That's all for now, bye bye~

My prom experience.

To sum it all up, it wasn't that great.

I put a lot of effort into dressing up. I figured that if I was going to dress up, I might as well dress up to the max and give everyone a huge transformation surprise. I put on contact lenses and false eyelashes, covered up all my blemishes and imperfections, and put on my new Clair Beauty wig (will do a review on this when I have more time [update: the review is now up! :D]). I thought I looked really pretty and completely different with a slight hint of gyaru style when looking at myself in the bathroom and bedroom mirror, but for some reason when I got to the prom place, I still looked like myself, except with my eyes overly lined with black eyeliner. Even my spots showed up clearly and my wig suddenly looked very droopy (I don't think it's the wig's problem though) when my makeup looked perfect before I left the house.

Despite my appearance not turning out how I expected, I had fun at the beginning just taking photos of people and having my photo taken with others. Plus a lot of the people who don't usually talk to me said hi to me. Then we had dinner and the food was yummy though there was only 4 different type of dishes. I heard from the girls who organised the prom say that it's supposed to be a buffet, but everything was gone after everyone had just one serving. :s

Things started going bleh for me after that. Everyone started getting up to dance and the whole room lighting changed into a nightclubby atmosphere, but I'm not the dancing kind of person. I tried to get in the mood and side-stepped in time to the music, but it got really tedious after 5 minutes. A few years ago, I went to a similar party and back then I felt high and was completely fine with jumping and bouncing all over the dancefloor like a doofus. But for some reason, I didn't get the same 'high' feeling today and I just felt really self-conscious.

While I was on the dancefloor, people kept crashing into me, trampling over my feet and lifting up their arms in the air while dancing, unleashing their armpit smell. Obviously it wasn't very pleasant. x-x There were some random guys that some of the popular girls invited and they were just whooping and cheering like apes and crashing into other girls. :\

I already wanted to leave an hour after the party officially started, but I hung around for another hour and I just felt more and more miserable as time passed. So I called my brother and he came to pick me up by bus earlier. I originally planned to leave at 11 PM, but I left at around 10:10 PM or so. I'm so thankful that my brother was willing to make the same trip twice (he also escorted me to the prom), especially when it was dark and rainy outside.

Here's a photo of my prom dress:

Sorry for the blurry photo, but this one showed most of my outfit. It's not very clear but there's a white bow at the front. I wanted to take my cardigan off (I think the dress looks way better without it) but then my bra straps would be visible. xD The wig is supposed to look brown with a tiny hint of a reddish undertone, but it looked pretty black in the room.

Realistically speaking...

...there is no way that I'd be able to look like Yu Ha Min if I get a boyish haircut. ;__; (Unless I get plastic surgery, but that is waaay too painful for me. Though when I'm older, I'd like to get my nose done - only as a last resort. *shifty eyes*)

 Why can't I look like that!? ^ (That's a rhetorical question so shush.) I think even if I were to get a boyish haircut, I'd still look like a girl, or a really chubby and short 11-year-old boy. Besides, my hips are too wide to pull off looking like a guy.

So I'm going to set aside my dream of looking like a pretty boy for now and instead, I want to become a shu nu (淑女). Yep, I'm going towards the extreme opposite of a tomboy.

Actually, now that I'm typing about it, maybe I'd like to have a more ulzzang-y vibe so I can be a bit more creative and expressive with my style of clothing. Shu nu's can wear bright clothes too, but I imagine them to wear dainty and delicate dresses. I just have this vision of shu nu's being all reserved and demure. If I were a guy, I'd like a girl who is shu nu, so it feels like I can protect and take care of her. I'd beat up anyone who picks on her. asdfghjkl;

*cough*

Anyway. I've been changing my mind A LOT over whether I should get a boyish haircut or not. I want to grow my hair out and dye it brown this summer. I also want to look like a guy but like I said at the beginning of this post, it's quite unrealistic considering that I want to look like a hot guy. My eyes are too round. My face is too chubby. My legs are too fat. My height is too short. My nose is too flat. My hips are too wide. My boobs are too big (I don't think binding would be good in the long-run). I could go on and on.

The ONLY part of my body that would fit in with a guy's figure is probably my shoulders. :| They're pretty wide, in my opinion. My wrists also look pretty manly if I wear some kind of a bracelet, LOL.

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My revision is also going horribly. I still have not done a single thing. Well, I did do three paintings yesterday but that doesn't count because it's work that I should have done aeons ago.

I wrote the times of all my exams on my calendar and it actually doesn't seem that bad. The only thing I'm really stressed about is maths. I finally understand all the people who have complained about how hard it is! I used to just be like "Psh, maths is easy", but it really depends on what kind of level you're on. *sigh* GCSE maths IS easy, but A-level isn't.

I did try to spend a couple of hours reading through my maths notes, but none of the information seemed to be registering in my brain. I pretty much just stared at and re-read the same page over and over again for hours. I then tried to re-copy out all my notes and condensing it to group together all the important points, but I got really tired just after going through the formula for working out the standard deviation and the variance of data.

Help. x__x

Back from school.

Still not in a good mood. I was actually going to tell my 'best friend' about how my parents were going to divorce and everything that happened, but she was too busy ignoring/excluding me. Good thing that I didn't tell her though, otherwise she would've somehow ended up telling the whole class.

She was treating me like crap again today. I did a biology test that she's going to do tomorrow, and she asked me what questions came up and I told her. She had already done a physics test that I hadn't done yet, so she vaguely told me one or two things that came up. At first I thought that was all and maybe there wasn't much to say about the test anyway, but then I overheard her voluntarily blabbing the answers to someone else yet to do the test.

When I did the test later on in the day and it wasn't anything like how she described it. She said all I had to do was to do some calculations, and that they give the formulae in the test. The formulae WERE given in the test, but the teacher had already told us this long ago. The exam didn't just have calculations. It also had a lot of questions that required studying for you to be able to answer it correctly.

I can take a guess why she's acting this way - telling someone else the answers but not me. I think she's probably jealous of me, maybe, because in my last physics test I got a higher score than her. But even if that's true, I've always been getting better scores than her in almost all subjects, so I don't see why she'd treat me this way only now.

Then she wanted to go to an art museum with me because it was part of our art homework, but I don't want to go with someone like her. She's always so clingy to me when it comes to art, but then throws me away when she finds someone 'better'. :\ And I didn't like how she was treating my mom the last time we went to a gallery. I guess I'll come up with an excuse to go with JUST my mom. I'd prefer it so much more when I'm with someone I can be myself with.

I've been blogging a lot lately. Most of them were angry or depressed entries. It's hard to be happy when so much crap is happening.

Whenever something bad happens, I always feel like making some kind of a change. Like yesterday after my parents both agreed to divorce, I gave myself a haircut for the first time. Then last night I was feeling like shit from my dad blaming the divorce on me, so I changed my blog design around. I think it looks much better. :)

I have a headache right now. Gonna go take a nap or something.

This isn't helping.

Eh. A lot of crap happened today. Lots of arguing and yelling involved. My parents basically both agreed to divorce, but my dad's hiding money in multiple bank accounts.

Earlier on, my dad pretty much blamed me for causing the divorce. He said that this wouldn't have happened or gotten worse if I didn't tell mom about how he called her a witch, etc. Idiot. The divorce was bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with now. My dad has done countless things that pissed mom off - far too many to recount them here. He just couldn't handle the responsibility so he tried to blame it on me. How pathetic. If I didn't know my dad well, I could've gotten depressed and suicidal over the accusation of causing the divorce, like how many kids turn out when their parents divorce. I read on a website that the parents should ensure their children knows that it wasn't their fault. But I guess my dad would rather push the blames onto a freakin' 15-year-old instead of handling it like an adult.

He said that I was the only one who wanted them to divorce. WHAT THE FUCK. Did he forget about everything he said before, like how he wanted to leave and couldn't continue living on like this arguing with mom? And that he shrieked at my mom to get out of the house multiple times? That he's having an affair with another woman? WELL HE DID BECAUSE HE'S THAT FUCKING STUPID. You'd think a cheater (especially a first-timer) would feel guilty about it, but no. Or maybe this isn't my dad's first time cheating. :\

I heard that since my parents got married in Taiwan, they have to go back to Taiwan to get divorced too which isn't very convenient, especially with money being so tight. Does that mean we get to go to Taiwan this summer? :D Yaaay~
...Probably not. Plane tickets are too expensive for us now. My dad said that he's going to move back to Taiwan next week. I hope that's true because that would make me and my mom's life so much easier. But he usually says something about leaving and ends up not leaving. -__-

I have two exams tomorrow. I haven't revised for one AT ALL and only skim-read a textbook for the other test. Well this is going to go great. Hope this doesn't happen for my actual exams because my exams tomorrow are just practices, sort of.

I didn't go to school today because... well I don't even know. Guess I wanted to sleep in or something.

I'm feeling really down again.

I don't like people touching me.

There are exceptions, of course - the people who don't annoy/disgust me and whom I actually like.

Today I was doing chemistry homework with a friend and we were sitting next to each other. We were both stuck on a question, and she called over my 'best friend' to come and help us. But my 'best friend' kept SHOVING her head in between us and putting her head REALLY close to mine (she has bad dandruff and acne, so I wouldn't want any contact with her otherwise I'd end up getting them). She usually hates people being physically close to her as well, so I felt as if she was doing it on purpose to separate me from the other friend. :\

Even after my 'best friend' had finished helping us on that one problem (though it turned out we didn't need her help after all), she continued sticking her head between us and wouldn't go away. She kept trying to answer the questions even though we didn't need anymore help. She was working out the answers so slowly too, so I had already written it down through my own working by the time she said it out loud. -__- Seriously, she was so freakin' close to me that I felt so uncomfortable.

My mom's cooking something in the kitchen just now and when I walked in, my dad happened to be walking in as well. I felt him staring at me so I looked up at him with a puzzled face to see if he wanted something and he was giving me this really angry look - sort of like the look you'd give someone you hated with all your heart. What the hell. And there was me feeling sorry for him. :\ Guess he's really nothing more than a dumb cheater.

Meh I can't tell whether he really did have Botox injections or not. When I looked at him properly for the first time in months, all I saw was a super deep line between his eyebrows because of his angry expression. He brought the wrinkles on himself. If he didn't keep making all those stupid angry faces, his wrinkles wouldn't look as obvious so he'd look younger and not need to get Botox, ultimately saving money while looking better at the same time. *facepalm* Isn't that a win-win situation!? But of course he throws it away because he doesn't think about consequences of his actions.

Pathetic people like these should be quarantined from people who just want to get on with their lives and be happy, otherwise they'd spread their stupidness across the whole globe and the human race would be doomed.

Shitty day.

And there was I thinking that today might actually be a good day. It was okay, honestly, but then everything came crumbling down during art.

In art, we were told to outline bottles using ink with the other end of a paintbrush. Everyone else did their outline in just one colour, but I blended shades of purple and blue in the line and double-lined it with a fainter blue. Then I recreated the shiny curves of the bottle by painting in parts with light yellow ink, going darker/lighter wherever necessary.

Then when I looked up to see where everyone's up to, I saw two people copying me (they were sitting very close to me). Guess who one of those people were? My 'best friend'. Surprise. She was copying me AGAIN.

The other girl copying me is usually nice and talks to me, so I didn't mind her copying me AS much. It's sort of like a one-off, you know? But as for my 'best friend'? HASN'T SHE COPIED ME ENOUGH?

I just felt so indignant.The second part of the exercise was to dab a blotch of ink onto the paper and let the ink trickle down over the outlines. I decided to trickle the ink upwards to make mine a bit different. Then my art teacher singled me out and said, "YOU'RE TRICKLING IT THE WRONG WAY! YOU'RE DOING IT UPWARDS!"

All I did was sit there silently. I heard someone snickering in the background - not sure whether it was aimed at me. I wish I could have said "Actually, I'm doing this on purpose because a couple of uncreative losers are copying me so I want mine to look more different to theirs." But I didn't. I couldn't. After 10 seconds of silence, she said "Oh, never mind, you can trickle it upwards too."

I felt so self-conscious after that, so I started trickling it downwards even though she said upwards was okay too. It ended up ruining my painting. The teacher also told me to paint more bottles even after I had started trickling, so the outlines of the new bottles blended with the trickles and made a huge mess.

While I was walking home (since art was my last lesson), I just kept thinking about how I wanted to rip up my painting and scream out every single thing that is stopping me from being happy. The 10-minute journey home is usually a time of peace for me, because I'd imagine what life would be like if I were different and fantasize about being a guy. But I was just filled with negative thoughts today, and I also kept thinking about how my dad was having an affair - a second life that I knew nothing about. When I got home, I was almost crying.

I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing. Just a little PMS-y, maybe. I'm supposed to prepare my French speaking questions and speeches by tomorrow or something. I haven't even started yet.

Meh

Ehh, the whole affair thing sort of just dawned on me. It really is such a bad thing, actually. :\ At first I thought it was really hilarious, but now I find it kind of gross. It's true that everyone would be happier once my parents divorce, but thinking about it just feels so eurgh. My mom also noticed that my dad had Botox injections done to get rid of his wrinkles. It's just kind of sad how my dad isn't who he used to be anymore (before he had those crazy fits and all that). He's doing all the things I've never expected him to do. There's nothing wrong with cosmetic surgery - I just never thought he'd do it.

My life is such a mess right now. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want even more drama with my 'best friend' and fake friends. I'd rather stay at home and study for 7 hours instead of spending it at school. I hate this.

I really want my parents to divorce as soon as possible. We'd probably be about to move houses and I might be able to get my own room. Then I could decorate it with all the things I like. It would be like a new start. :)

Short entry again. I just don't know where else to rant.

Feeling kind of down again.

Another bout of depression, maybe? :c

The weather was really great today - all bright and sunny. I should be happy. But I started thinking about how badly my 'best friend' treats me and it just made me feel like crap. I saw her finished fashion advert and I swear that 70% of it consisted of clips filmed by me, and she gave me no credits for the filming. I'd rant about that but I'm not really in the mood anymore. Oh well, just a couple more months and I could officially distance myself from her. The fact that I have French speaking exams coming up soon and a biology and physics test coming up doesn't help improve my mood either.

Argh, so worried about French. A lot of people have already finished memorising their questions and answers in my class, and I haven't even started yet. It's an official exam so my grade would affect the university I get into. I wish they'd tell us about the exam up to 2 months in advance or something, just as a warning, and the people who want to start preparing can do so if they liked. I only found out the official date of the exam earlier on this week, and the exam's in around 2 weeks or so. There's not enough time to learn so much.

I think I've been having self-esteem issues recently. Today at school I looked at my reflection and I just felt so ugly. My face looked really wide and big, my nose looked so flat, my skin looked terrible, my eyes looked tiny and I looked really stupid with glasses on. Blah. But when I got home and looked in the mirror, my face looked healthy and dewy, my eyes looked big, and my features contrasted nicely with my skin. Wtf?

I guess I have nothing else to say here. I'll try to cheer myself up somehow. Not in the mood for anything though - not even playing around with make-up. ._.

School Updates

I need to learn three pages of French words for a vocabulary test tomorrow. I've copied out all of the words once, so I've probably only rote-learned a small section of it.

I've been ill for the past week and missed a couple of school days. I also have a slight headache right now. x-x

I was supposed to film my fashion advert last Saturday (actually, my 'best friend' was going to film me). I was going to film another one of my friends as my model, but on Friday my 'best friend' decided that she was going to come over to my house the next day, so I didn't have time to ask my model-friend if she's able to come. My mom later told me to cancel the filming because she said it was unreasonable that my 'best friend' wasn't helping me out at all and is only using me as a model for her own advert. I kind of wish I didn't cancel though because it turned out my model-friend could come after all.

Today, my 'best friend' pretty much blamed me because she got told off by the teacher for not having filmed yet (I got told off too, but I didn't complain). Our conversation went something like this:

Friend: You could've told me that you couldn't film on Saturday.
Me: I did.
Friend: Yeah but you could've told me earlier and we could've done it on Sunday.
Me: I have tuition on Sunday, so I wouldn't have been able to do Sunday either.
Friend: Yeah but we could've done it on another day.

What "another day"? There's only two days in a weekend - Saturday and Sunday. My 'best friend' wasn't even willing to film after school on a weekday. At first I was thinking of making her my model instead when I didn't know my original model-friend was coming, but my 'best friend' just refused to dress up and put on makeup (I even offered to put on makeup for her). It's not fair if my advert ends up looking unprofessional and amateur just because she doesn't want to put some time into her presentation.

I really don't think my 'best friend' has the right to complain when she's not even contributing to me or my model-friend's adverts. We could've filmed without her and it would've made no difference, except that it would take less time. My 'best friend' was also being really inconsiderate and wanted to split the filming into two days - one day to film hers, and another day for me and my model-friend to do each other's. My model-friend would have had to come over to my place twice (she lives quite far away), which wouldn't be fair on her especially since she's modeling for my 'best friend' too.

*SIGH*

I got my school report back today. It wasn't great, to be honest. I keep getting Bs in English, but I don't understand how to improve or what I did wrong. I thought I did much better in my English language essay (which was basically analysing articles) compared to last year, but I still got a similar score for some reason. I'd been taking English tuitions the last couple of months, and I really think that my writing style has improved and my tone sounds much more mature, so I don't get why my grade was still the same as last year.

Anyway, I better go back to learning my French now.

School Updates + Pictures

New profile picture! I put on makeup yesterday and did my hair. At first, I was just practising putting on black liquid eyeliner but I ended up going overboard, I guess. I didn't dress up though, hence why my clothes look so casual and bleh. xD Usually when I put on my fringe extension, it ends up looking unnaturally puffy and big-headed, so this time I tied two small ponytails (I'm not sure what they're called - pigtails?) with a part of the fringe in it . That's why there's random tussles of hair sticking out. I'd try cutting the fringe to make it thinner, but I'm scared of making a mistake. D:

As you can see if you look closely: parallel eyelids! :D My left eye still spazzes if I don't put on any eyelid tape for a while, and I'm still trying to get rid of my tapered line.


The last couple of days, a girl in my class (one of my somewhat close friends) was asking multiple people for £10 (around $16?) to buy a birthday present for another friend. She's buying clothes or something for her, but it sounds like a scam. :x Usually when you buy something, it's never a perfect whole number like 100 or 50 - a lot of items always cost a couple of pence/cents more, if you know what I mean. And what is she going to do with the leftover money? Keep it? That's just unfair.

Anyway, the first time she asked me for £10, I didn't give her an answer because someone else started talking to her. A few days later, she asked me again and I told her that I'd have to ask my parents because £10 is a lot of money. She said that I could just bring £5 if I wanted to or even £1, so I said I'd ask.

The next day, I forgot to bring the money (I fell asleep at 8 PM and didn't wake up until next morning). She started raging at me and saying "I TOLD YOU LIKE FOUR TIMES!". No, you didn't. You only told me TWICE - and that's me counting in the first time when I hadn't even agreed to it yet. The girl's birthday was like 2 weeks ago anyway, so it doesn't really make much of a difference if the present is a couple of days more late.  I offered a solution by saying that I could give her £1 for now (which was all that I had at the time) and she could pay the other £4 of my share, and then I'd give her £4 after she has ordered it. She kept saying "WHUT?" and looked like she didn't understand me at all. -__- She later apologised though and said that she didn't mean to nag, so it's okay now. :D

Most of my GCSE science exams are over! I still have a physics one coming up on Monday. I did pretty well in my physics ISA (39 out of 40!), so maybe physics really is my ace science after all - touch wood!

My thighs hurt so much from PE today. I was using this cycling machine in the school mini-gym. After pedaling for 5 minutes or so, I changed the programme so that it's recording my heart rate (it was on how many fats I burnt at first). I entered my age, and the machine said that my target heart rate is 164. I pressed enter to start and began pedaling, but less than 10 seconds later, the machine said: "Target heart rate reached!" Turned out that my heart rate was already 180. :x This is probably why I manage to stay thin without exercising - I bet my heart rate goes up to like 150 if I'm just going up the stairs or something. So unfit. =_=

Double Eyelids

Happy Chinese New Year (tomorrow, anyway)!

I've been thinking about making a new blog based on fashion, makeup and reviews. I'll still be keeping and writing in this blog, but this one will be centered around my personal life. I'll probably make my new blog once I get my own camera, so that people in my family wouldn't be randomly looking through it.

I have three important science exams coming up this week. I'm still not prepared for any of it! I should really be studying right now.


And now onto the main topic of this post - my tapered double eyelids are now parallel! :D My left eye has been switching between parallel and tapered lately, so I decided not to fight it and just make both eyes parallel. I quite like parallel eyelids - I always see gyarus and Asian makeup gurus with them, and it looks makes them look so cute and doe-eyed. They made my eyes look bigger and I like how I look with them more than I did with tapered eyelids. On the down side, my tapered lines are still visible, so it made my eyes look a bit weird. :x

I drew a picture to show you what I mean (sorry about the rubbishness xD):

Basically, both of the lines are visible. I'm planning on sticking eyelid tape over the tapered line so that it would eventually fade, and then stick another tape slightly above that to outline the parallel line. I don't know it'll work. x-x


Anyway, school finally starts tomorrow after two weeks of study leave and exams. I really liked study leave - you only go to school to take the exams, and stay at home for the rest of the day if you don't have any. It's so much more productive to learn at home, in my opinion, since you can skip ahead of everyone if the material's a bit too easy for you.

I think I'm supposed to write an essay due in tomorrow morning, but I'm too lazy. I asked someone in my class and she said that no one seems to have done it, so I'm going to trust what she said.

It's only 10:30 PM and I'm already sleepy. I usually sleep at 1-2 AM so this is very early for me. > < I'll just end this here, bye bye~ ♥

Two-Faced

Today while I was waiting to take my French exam, I noticed my 'best friend' talking to a lot of new friends and being conversational. Then I noticed another one of my fake 'friends' hanging out in a small group of people.
I wondered why my 'best friend' seemed to be more sociable than me. I try hard to be a honest and decent person. I help out people who ask for it. I listen to those who aren't given a chance to speak out. I never judge people according to rumours.

Then I realised one thing: they are both two-faced. You know, like the stereotypical annoying bitchy girls you see in some teenage movies? They treat you differently compared to everyone else. They act like best friends with the people they claim to hate. They're exactly like that.

The sad thing is that almost no one else seems to have realised this. Am I just thinking too much? Or maybe it's easier to talk to two-faced people because you'd be able to relate to each other on how much you hate so-and-so. I really want to talk to one of the few friends I somewhat trust about this, but I'm afraid of losing their friendship. What if they end up betraying me? What if they end up thinking that I'm the one who sounds two-faced? I'm really shy and quiet in real life, and I'd probably never go up to someone's face and say that they're two-faced, despite how much I always complain about people badmouthing each other behind their backs.

I'll tell you a couple of stories about those two-faced girls:

There's a girl in my Design&Technology (DT), art and music class for three years. Let's call her River. I never had any friends in those classes, but she'd always pair up with me for any partner works and help me out when I have any questions. I admit that she has asked me to send her my homework a couple of times, but at least she appreciated it. She thanked me for helping her, unlike my 'best friend' and that other fake friend. People have always been badmouthing her, saying how she's just trying to be popular whenever she does something. I never listened to them.

And now that we chose our GCSE options, we were in the same DT class again. I don't know how, but my 'best friend' (also in the same class) began interfering in our friendship. She kept trying to impress River or something, and helped her out with drawings and stuff. But that's not the problem; I usually focus on my work in class anyway. My 'best friend' started telling me that she thought River was stupid and annoying, and all that shit. At first I could understand because River asked me for my homework a lot of times in the past, so it was annoying to some extent (JUST DO YOUR WORK!). Besides, you don't need to like everyone you meet. There was even a time when River copied one of my 'best friend's designs, which was obviously something she shouldn't have done. But then my 'best friend' decided to act all nice and friendly to River, while still bullshitting about her behind her back and telling other people that River copied her design.

I didn't like it. I didn't like how I felt as if River has replaced me with some incompetent faker. I didn't like how she was treating River. I didn't like how River was completely clueless.

My 'best friend' also keeps ditching me aside whenever there's "better" people around. She thinks now that I'm her "friend", I was like a piece of property that she can just keep. Suddenly, it's okay to treat me like dirt because I'm her "belonging". I'm sure that is what's going through her head subconsciously.

Whenever I'm sitting next to someone else or talking to them, she starts interrupting and telling me to move over, even though there's plenty of space on my other side. It's like she just wants to cut off all of my potential friendships. I can just feel myself getting angrier just typing this. Why am I so useless? Why do I let myself be thrown around like trash? I wish I could somehow go back to the past and prevent this from happening. I always included her when I'm having conversations with someone else. I always asked her questions to bring her into our talk, explained to her what's going on and listened to her when no one else did.

So why the hell is she treating me like this? Is it so freaking hard to appreciate it? Is it so hard to return it? Is it so hard to even just acknowledge it?

She's also the one who started the rumour about me being emo. It spread like fucking wildfire across the year. I confess that I had cut myself before because I was going through bouts of depression. I thought that I could talk to her about my problems, but instead, she thought it would make her look so "cool" to share this with everyone. Okay, she only told the other fake friend I mentioned earlier, but that 'friend' decided to tell everyone. I'm pissed at that 'friend' too, but I'm more pissed at my 'best friend' because she's supposed to be someone I could trust.

I just feel so miserable at school when I'm with my own classmates - especially with my 'best friend'. Sometimes I feel better when I talk to the students in other classes because they don't know me as well, so they haven't judged me as deeply. There's one friend I have who makes me smile when we talk, and I tell her things I've never told anyone else. She's coming over to my apartment to film fashion adverts for our CiMedia projects soon. Stupidly, I invited my 'best friend' to come along. I wish I never did. I'm scared of losing my possibly one true friend to her, like how I've already lost several friends.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm pathetic.

I know that I've said this numerous times before, but I really just can't wait to go to college and make a new start.

Exams start!

So my two long weeks of exams has arrived. I'm supposed to be memorizing a passage of French text right now, but I don't feel like my brain can absorb anything at the moment. I'm not really in a rush because the exam is in the afternoon, so I can also revise in the morning.

Today, I had English, biology and Latin exams. I'm pretty sure that I failed English - it takes me so long to process any ideas and to write! > < I also think I've misunderstood once of the questions which was "Is it important for humans to fly?". I started writing about Darwin, evolution and all that, but then afterwards I heard from my friends that the question was referring to flying as in on airplanes. Hopefully I won't lose marks because of this. The question wasn't even clear (though now I'm doubting whether there was more information to the question and I somehow missed it out). Other than the fact that I misunderstood the questions, I think I did pretty well in that particular essay so I'm expecting at least an average score, since I always do terribly in English exams.

I have a really important A-level maths exam on Friday. Maths has always been my forte, so I would be completely devastated if I didn't do well. The mark I get would affects which university I go to, and I'm not sure if I understand the material fully yet. I've done pretty badly in the last few practice papers, so I'm kind of worried. I think I'll rewrite all of my maths notes later and learn my French as well, even though it's already past 11 PM.

This entry is pretty boring - exams, exams and more exams. I'll try to write about something more interesting next time, maybe. c:

And now to study! Bye~

Happy New Year!

It's a bit late, but Happy New Year nevertheless! I've been studying a bit lately, but I'm still behind my revision schedule because I just can't find the motivation to revise.

 On Sunday (1st January), I went to a Taiwanese flag-raising ceremony. I camwhored a bit since I had dressed up and put on makeup, but the photos turned out to be terrible. ;-; The only one photo that was somewhat decent as blurry too, making one of my eyes look noticeably smaller than the other. I look so weird when I smile - it goes lopsided and my teeth end up looking ridiculously huge. D: I'm really not photogenic. All the photos you may have seen of me so far are probably the best out of hundreds of shots (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit). xD; A couple of people said that I looked pretty, so hopefully it's the camera's problem. *crosses fingers*

On a random note, I made an account on the global version of Cyworld:
http://global.cyworld.com/Mei-chan

Add me if you have one? The site speed is really slow for some reason and some of the pages don't load. The navigation was a bit confusing too. I probably won't be using it much until the quality improves. > <

I have so much to do and here I am: sitting here doing nothing. I need to film a fashion advert for a school project, and I have no idea how to make it look professional. The more annoying thing is that the advert needs to be over 90 seconds long, which I think is unrealistic. What kind of a commercial is that long!? You never see length ads on TV because it'd be really expensive to air. Not much I could do about that though. I've never tried being the subject in a video before, so I'm worried that I'd mess it all up. :c

I think I'll stop here (and probably keep playing games, fff-).