I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.