We broke up.

We were really happy for a few months after he sorted out his flirting problem. Then he had to choose between his family or me. He chose his family.

I don't blame him for choosing his family, but it seems like he had lied about taking me seriously. He just seems really fickle. Months ago, he was always talking about how he hates his family and how he wants to get away from all the Arab traditions. All of a sudden, he just... changed.

Apparently his sister asked him a week ago while they were on holiday about what he thinks will happen to us in the future. The issue has been bothering him since. I don't know why he didn't discuss this with me earlier and only brought it up because it was somewhat relevant to a conversation we were having.

I thought he had been acting distant ever since he came back from holiday. I pointed this out to him and he said he wasn't. What really upsets me is that he had been shamelessly asking me to show him my body when he knew perfectly well that he had no intentions of having a future together. He'd literally beg me when I said no.

I think I'm far too nice for my own good. Every single thing that he has done to me I had forgiven. The way he had trashed my self-esteem and told me I wasn't good enough. The way he tossed me aside while he was holiday and said I was annoying. The moment he comes back, he just wants to see my body. He only wanted me when he needed me. I put up so much fucking bullshit. I couldn't even vent out all of my pent-up resentment and frustration in the end. I couldn't express all of the horrible things he had done to me so that he could at least repent.

But fuck, he has also done nice things for me to. Buying me presents, cheering me up (sometimes) when I'm sad by singing badly and goofing around, telling me that I'm beautiful.

It's so hard because I don't know if he's worth my kindness. Or maybe I'm just weak. If I were stronger and tougher, I'd cut him out of my life instead of asking if we can just go back to being friends. He liked the idea of being friends. Maybe I should've just told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and how he had completely wrecked me.

Hearing the words "I love you" everyday really becomes addicting. I just don't want to lose him completely. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have no friends. He was pretty much the only person I've really opened up to in the recent years.

This rant is a complete mess, sorry. It's hard to think straight. It just hurts so much that he'd choose the family he claimed he hates over me. I wasn't important to him at all like he was to me.

I dealt with all the awful ways he treated me, believing that maybe someday everything would sort itself out and somehow we'd live happily ever after. That's what I get for trying so hard until the very end, huh?

Ever since I started dating him, I've become very cynical about the whole idea of "love". I don't understand why he even asked me out if he was going to follow Arab traditions of arranged marriages in the end. I feel like I was used just for him to kill time. I was perfectly fine without him. I was living a very content life. How can I be content now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have that one special person who you tell everything to? Who do I talk to now?

Sorry for the long post and if anything made no sense. I feel so heartbroken.

Stupid.

My boyfriend got mad at me because I was IMing someone when he linked a video for us to watch together. I kept switching between watching the video and IMing (we were in a discussion) and he realised this, and snapped to just forget about the video and to close it.

I felt bad and kept making sad noises like "Nn. :c" because he wasn't talking and I wanted to show him that I felt bad.

He got even more angry and slammed his desk a few times and yelled at me to stop it. "STOP MAKING THOSE NOISES. WHAT IS IT!? WHAT!"

Now I'm crying.

idk.

I cry really easily when people yell at me.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere.

Life Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. February had been an awful month for me and I had a lot of arguments with my boyfriend. I don't think it's worth mentioning though. I can't remember what each of them were specifically about anyway - it was probably just me being angry at the way he treats me and how he keeps flirting.

Though I do remember that near the end of February, we had a huge argument and came really close to breaking up. I couldn't go through it in the end. He told me he was tired of arguing all the time. I am too. All I'm asking is for him to stop flirting with other girls and to treat me with a little respect.

I should stop talking about depressing stuff, haha. On the bright side, things have been pretty good since then. It's been a bit over a month since our last argument. c: Usually we argue once a month so this is actually really good progress. Kinda sad, really.

He told me about a convo he had with a girl friend at work a week after the nude-girl incident. I noticed that it seemed really flirtatious so I confronted him about it a week or so ago. He admitted he was flirting and apologised, though at first he pretended he didn't remember me asking him not to flirt because he didn't want me to get mad. Oh well.

Oh and he promised me that he won't talk to nude-girl anymore but he did just the other day and I called him out on it. He apologised. I wasn't even the one who told him not to talk to her - he's the one who made that promise himself.

He's not keeping to his promises but hey, what can I do. At least he apologised, I guess. I've been calm and patient those two times he broke his promises. I think I might start to get pissed off if he does it one more time.

I hate talking about this because I can feel my anger building up slowly but I want to keep track of what's been going on. I really don't want to have another argument again. It's tiring and I'm always the only one who's getting hurt.

Anyway, onto non-relationship stuff.

I'm thinking of changing my name legally. I'm definitely getting my last name changed to my mom's because my dad sucks, and I want to change my first name because I never liked it all that much. Plus, my dad is the one who named me. I've been trying to decide between Emmy and Emi for the past few days. I asked a few friends and they all liked Emi, so I think that's what I'm going to go for. :D

Oh yeah, did you know it only costs £15 to get your name changed in the UK? I though it'd cost something in the hundreds. According to what I've read, you just need to get a legal document that proves your name change, then you have to change your name on your passport and other stuff yourself by showing them the document. So it's pretty simple. :D I think.

edit: Also, I've recently realised that I'm not a jealous person. I'm completely fine with my boyfriend having girl friends. Hell, I was even fine with him talking to a girl he used to be in love with, until he started asking her personal sex questions like what gets her wet. He has even gone on "dates" with other girls - eating and hanging out alone together. I was fine with that, because that's something you'd do with same-gender friends too. But flirting? Nope. I'm not going to happy with him going on a "date" with that work friend he flirts with anymore because that clearly shows he doesn't see her as just a friend but as a girl he's interested in, despite how much he denies it and says flirting doesn't mean anything.

Ugh, feeling my anger build up again. Gonna end this now.

Relationships suck.

Well. February so far has been awful. It's a really long story.

Basically my boyfriend has been flirting with another girl online and liked one of her nude pics she posted on a forum. I called him out on it. At first he apologised. I ranted to our mutual friend about it, who got really angry at his behaviour so she yelled at him.

I was taking a nap when she yelled at him. When I woke up, my boyfriend was suddenly acting off. He started yelling at me, accusing me of throwing him under the bus every time I get mad, yet I always expect him to be patient.

Some of the few things he said:
"Of course I'm always the bad guy, right?"
"What might be a big deal to you is not a big deal to me."
"I liked a picture. Big whoop."
"You're telling me that I did something wrong. I don't think I did. Sorry."

him: What do you want?
me: I just wish you were more aware of the boundaries in a relationship.
him: You say this like you're an expert. Didn't you ask me at one point what the normal boundaries were? What normal friends do and what normal couples do?
me: More of an expert than you are.
him: That's funny.

Then he told me that he asked for his best friend's opinion. He always listens to that guy. He basically invalidated my feelings based on what his friend said.

He gave me an attitude the day before too, when I asked him to try not to say anything misleading that would make me assume he's interested in another girl (this was before he admitted he was flirting with nude-girl).

Yesterday he told me that there's nothing wrong with flirting when you're in a relationship because it's not serious so it doesn't mean anything. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be flirting? Doesn't being in a relationship mean you're committed to that one person and so you shouldn't be playing around with other people?

Anyway, I wasn't able to change his mind. I did ask him if he was willing to stop flirting with other girls if I asked him to and he said yes. So I guess there's no problem now, unless he repeats what he does.

I don't know. I've been feeling very iffy since then. I feel like I'm losing my feelings for him? I used to be so happy when we could call - when I could see his face and hear his voice. But now I just don't feel anything at all. I felt nothing when he told me that I was pretty and how much he loved me. I don't know if it's because I've been depressed ever since that argument. I don't really feel happy anymore.

Everyone's been telling me to break up with him. My friends, my mom, strangers on the Internet, etc. They all tell me I deserve to be treated better. I hope we don't have to break up. We've had so many good memories and he does make me smile when he's not mad. We've agreed to calmly discuss it if I'm bothered by something he's doing, which I think is fair. But next time if I calmly talk to him and he still snaps, or if he still doesn't stop showing interest in other girls, then I'm afraid that's that. I don't want to be mistreated anymore.

For the first time in a long time, I cut myself again. My boyfriend found out and told me it wouldn't happen again. I really hope it doesn't. I'm tired of arguments and drama. I just want to have a stable relationship that makes me feel secure and content.

Oh and I was finally able to clear out my Whatsapp history with him. Whatsapp has been taking up a ton of space on my phone because I kept every single pic he sent and all of the texts. I didn't have the heart to delete them because memories are really important to me, but I was finally able to today. I wonder if it means something.

Jealous again.

Today I snapped at my boyfriend over Girl X. All the incidents just built up and snowballed until I finally couldn't take it anymore. He didn't do anything recently so I probably just looked crazy.

I finally asked him why he told Girl X "You're sweet. I like you.". He doesn't remember. Then he said he meant he just likes her as a friend. He seemed mad. I told him it was still weird to say that. He said he didn't think it was.

I asked him why he listens to everything Girl X says even though he disagrees when I tell him the exact same thing. He says it's only because it's two opinions versus one. I don't know if I believe him. How can someone immediately switch opinions when they were so adamant in the first place? He even got mad at me for it. But he doesn't get mad at Girl X. He listens to her.

He never put up a front around her. A while ago, I asked him if he's noticed that he has changed a lot since we've started dating (he used to be sweet and reassure me whenever I was mad at myself. Now he just gets mad). He said it was because he wasn't bothered with keeping up a good impression anymore. Is his love for me even real if he couldn't even be himself around me at the start? I just asked him about this and he was just being extra attentive to being nice and that he did it to the previous two girls he has liked too.

I wish that whenever I get jealous, he would reassure me with sweet words and tell me I'm the only one he loves. He didn't do that today and he sounded angry. I felt like he didn't care about me or about how I felt. I asked him to do that next time and he said okay, so hopefully he will.

I'm exhausted from crying so much today. I guess all my pent-up frustration blew off today. I still feel a small spurge of anger every now and then. I think I'm just angry at myself now. Angry that I showed him my weak side. Angry that he now knows how much power he has over me. Angry that I'm so weak and powerless. Should I even be angry over these things? Being possessive and prideful feels so awful and I don't want to be.

Broken.

He told me that he might fall in love with Girl X again if he kept talking to her all the time.

Sigh.

Long story. We had a long talk about it. I stayed up until 5 AM to try and resolve this whole thing. He didn't realise how bad what he said sounded. He said he wanted to limit his closeness with girls because he tends to fall in love with whoever he talks to the most. Is that all I'm worth? Is our relationship so fragile that his feelings would sway just from having a close girl friend? Is our relationship that worthless?

He says no. He tells me he loves me.

But he destroyed my trust in him. How can I trust him whenever he talks to girls now? I'll only be reminded that he could fall in love with each and any girl. To think he gave me so much shit for being insecure when I was right in being so this whole time.

Turns out it was a sort of misunderstanding because he worded it badly. What he meant to say was that he didn't see the point in being close with other girls when he already has me. I don't know how he managed to phrase it so badly without realising how much it could hurt me.

We keep having misunderstandings because of this. :/ He keeps phrasing things badly and making me misunderstand. He doesn't respect me either. Whenever we had arguments without Girl X stepping in as a mediator, it always ended with him telling me to change and that I'm the one at fault, that I'm the one with problems. When I tell him my point of view, he shuts out everything I say. But when Girl X steps in, she explains my feelings to him and he listens to her. He reconsiders everything. When Girl X steps in, we reach a mutual agreement that we both need to make some improvements. He respects her and see her as an equal, taking in her opinions, but he doesn't do the same for me. Why?

At first I was staying in this relationship because I believed the good times made up for the bad. But now I don't know anymore.

OOTD: Lazy Days + Update

New blog theme! :D This one's not has ridiculously girly as my last one, lol.

These outfits are from a few months ago but I didn't think of uploading them here. They're all pretty lazy OOTDs - just a simple top paired with skinny jeans.

Black shirt with hot pink sleeve + collar borders and a sequinned design.

Fitted red top.

Purple shirt with fake-studded design.

The sleeves are translucent with a super cute bow by the collar. *u*

Even this selfie is lazy.

Aside from that, I haven't gotten any offers from any universities yet. I've submitted a portfolio just today and still need to get around to sending another one. I have an interview in exactly a week! ; ~; I'm actually not feeling nervous just yet - I don't think the realisation has kicked in yet. I should start preparing for it too.

The past two weeks have been super stressful because I had a lot of school work and then something happened to my boyfriend. Things have calmed down now - he's not moving out anymore. But this means we can't vidchat anymore while he's at home. Voice-calling should be safe, but we haven't been doing a lot of that either. :x We had an argument (well, more of a disagreement) the other day too. He was talking about another girl again whom he felt like was hitting on him. He said, "I'd be dumb to let you go over a risk since I know you better", which seemed to imply that the only reason he's sticking with me is because I'm "safe". He snapped at me a few days before that too, because I was blaming myself again for getting him in trouble. I ranted to a mutual friend (it was Girl X, actually. She's really nice, haha) and she said she's going to have a talk to my boyfriend about this since it wasn't fair that I was being treated like this.

Our argument led from the way he keeps wording things badly and causing me to misunderstand, to how he always gets angry at me now when I'm sad rather than being sweet like he did during the first few months of our relationships, to how I'm always sad for "no reason" and "never talk" in calls. I do talk a lot more in our calls now. A lot more than I did before. I'm still not fully conversational and talkative because I've always been shy and awkward, but I'm slowly getting used to it. It makes me sad when he keeps bringing that up as a problem all the time and accusing me of not trying when I've already made some progress. :c He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert, so he finds it hard to understand why it's so difficult for me to just talk. I told him how bad my social anxiety is: a few weeks ago, I raised my hand in front of a large class. All I did was ask the teacher a question, but afterwards I realised my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop the shaking. After he heard that, I think he felt bad and apologised. I apologised too for being so incompetent.

I think we have disagreements quite a lot compared to normal couples. Or maybe just our mutual friend is in a healthy, balanced relationship. Anyway, I'm going to try to stop being sad so often now. I really just need to get over my dumb insecurity issues and ask him if I misunderstand anything instead of being passive-aggressive. My insecurity issues were getting better the week before the whole thing with his parents happened. But then after receiving a hoard of texts from his older sister (married with kids) telling me that I was breaking apart their family and that if I really loved him, I'd break up with him, I think my problems came back again. Sigh. It'll take a while before I can really get better.

Who even does that?

So I thought things were looking up for me again, but nope. How wrong I was to think maybe things would finally calm down. Nothing will ever be stable if there's a relationship involved.

I thought I've finally come to terms with my boyfriend talking to Girl X. The three of us were in a group chat once and it was a lot of fun. She's really nice and I actually do like her and enjoy her company. So I convinced myself that they were simply just friends - nothing more.

But... they've been talking to each other privately about weird things. About sexual stuff. My boyfriend always told me he'd never talk about it with a friend (we were confused about something I think, and I told him to ask one of his closest guy friends) because it'd be weird, so... why is he talking to another girl about it? Girl X has told him how she and her boyfriend did some touchy-feely stuff and how he was unzipping her pants. She also told him how she asked her boyfriend if he'd want a blowjob/handjob. And just now my boyfriend told me he asked her what gets her wet and she said it happens when she makes out with her boyfriend.

Isn't that kind of weird...? Do friends even ask each other that? Isn't it weirder since they're of the opposite gender? I'd never say things like that to a guy friend. It's just weird. It's something personal that I'd keep to myself. And even if I really wanted to tell someone all those details for some reason, I'd only tell my closest girl friend.

I don't get it. I thought I was finally okay with the two of them talking now and I do like Girl X, but... this is making it really hard for me. And these are only the few things my boyfriend has mentioned to me. Who knows what else they talk about? :/ As far as I know, he hasn't talked about sexual stuff with any of his other friends, so why only Girl X?

I want to cry again.

I really hate how pathetic I am. I don't have the guts to confront him about it. I don't even have the guts to just break things off. I also hate how all of my recent diary entries are so depressing and whiny.

I really wish I had a friend to talk to.

Third time. Almost.

edit: I miscounted, haha. It's been four times I've cried.

My bf brought up that he feels like he hasn't been talking to me enough and asked if he was a good boyfriend. Honestly I don't really know. What makes someone a good boyfriend or a bad boyfriend?

Today we were finally able to vid chat. For 20 mins or so. He kept getting distracted and doing other things while he was talking about his day. Then his dad came in and they had a conversation. Then he finished talking about his day. Then he had to go eat. I waited for him for an hour, then decided to go brush my teeth. When I came back, he had hung up and said another friend wanted to call him. So I waited another hour. When he was done, he said he wanted to sign off to watch a show.

That's when he brought that up. He says he feels bad because he wants to watch a show instead of talking to me. I told him that I'd feel uncomfortable if he was talking to me just because he felt bad. He quickly denied it and said he does enjoy talking to me, but he just needs a lot of time to talk to me. But... isn't something better than nothing? I feel like we haven't been talking to each other much at all these past few days.

He can't text me at school either because there's no service. He said he could IM me on Google, but then he said he had a lot of friends in his classes so he doesn't want to be an ass and ignore them. But it's okay to be an ass to me? .-.

He also said that he was really worried about losing me. Really...? I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to lose me because he likes the idea of having a girlfriend. I mean, before we started dating, he seemed almost like he was obsessed with falling in love. Does he only love me because I'm the only one who said yes to a relationship rather than for who I am as a person...?

He asked if I felt resentful. I didn't answer. But... I feel like I am. I'm really starting to question this relationship. I feel like my feelings are slowly fading out. Today when we video-chatted, I didn't feel happy. I just felt kind of... bummed out. Am I falling out of love?

I should've trusted my gut instinct from the start. I never should've said yes. Then at least we could maintain a friendship. I think if we broke up now, things would just be really awkward. But I don't want to suggest a breakup either. I don't know why. Do I feel guilty? Am I just being selfish? I don't know.

I guess I'll update how it's going soon.

Girl X

I'm a bit upset over relationship issues again, haha. I feel like all I've been doing is feeling moody. I don't really know how much more I can take. It's been three months and so far I have cried twice because of him. Technically three times, but the very first time wasn't really his fault.

He liked two other girls (just counting the ones he actually confessed to) before he started liking me. The first girl I don't know too much about, who he knows in real life. She added me on Skype a while ago before we even started liking each other. I've only talked to her once and we didn't really have anything to say to each other after that. But she seems nice from that one convo we've had. A cute girl who likes fashion, makeup and kpop.

And so this brings us to the second girl he liked, whom he met online - let's call her Girl X. I knew her from back in my TinierMe days and met her through my old Internet best friend whom I'm not in contact with anymore. She was a sweet and pleasant girl who seemed humble and slightly shy, popular amongst the TM community. I disappeared for a year to avoid some friendship drama and came back to find that she was changed completely. She had a more tomboyish, sarcastic demeanour instead of the sweet girly image she had before. I was surprised. From what I know, my bf and Girl X had an on-and-off friendship. After he confessed to her (which happened before I came back), she became distant and started to find him annoying. Eventually he began labelling her behaviour as bitchy and they both decided to cut things off. That's when he began noticing me more and gradually started to like me.

He told me about the feelings he had for her (before we liked each other). That he gets happy whenever he sees her face. That every time they said good night and ended their Skype call, he always felt like adding an "I love you". After they broke things off, he clarified that he was now over her. They no longer spoke to each other. He blocked her everywhere and for some reason, she deleted me from her Skype contacts too.

Now, this just sets up my main issue here. I've always kind of felt slightly less... worthy than Girl X. He could talk to her for hours in a call, whereas recently we've only been in calls for an hour or two. And I don't even talk... I just type and IM, which he doesn't really like. He used to be upset whenever he wasn't able to call me when I had exams, but now he seems to... not care? We don't text as much as we did anymore. Is he getting used to me staying up to 6 AM to talk to him (I know, I know. I promised myself I'd stop...)? Lately he's been making the occasional frustrated remark to me too. I've always been uncomfortable with talking and he knows that. He was sending voice messages to me the other day on WhatsApp, and he told me to do it too. I panicked at first, then thought I'd record myself saying "Whassup my nigga!" in a deep voice to make him laugh. He wasn't amused at all - "Just... DO IT. Just TALK. No joking around - just talk normally." There's also another issue that I'm slightly uncomfortable with, but I'm not sure if that's appropriate to mention so I'll skip that for now.

I was in a call with him a few days ago and I was screensharing. I was browsing my Tumblr dashboard and he saw a username, and asked "Who's [Girl X's username]?". I told him it was her, and his reaction was: "You follow her? Ew, gross.". I just typed "LOL?" in response.

He decided to check out her blog after that, and I think they started following each other again. Then they had an ask convo on Tumblr. Then he kept reblogging her stuff like before. From a convo Girl X published publicly (by accident?), it seemed like they were getting along well. At this point, I was already starting to feel uncomfortable. I know it's stupid since they're probably just friends. I thought maybe I was upset because Girl X acted like a bitch to him from what he told me, and now she's just acting as if nothing happened. In my head, I was already envisioning her as someone pompous and two-faced from what I've been told about her.

Then yesterday, I had a convo with Girl X on Tumblr too. We just talked about kpop and joked around, and it seems... it seems like she's very nice. Quite pleasant to talk to. She wasn't pompous or bitchy like I had thought she was. I actually found our convo very fun and I found myself thinking that it'd be cool if she could add me on Skype again and maybe we could become good friends.

Then Girl X randomly posted something like "It'd be nice if I had some anons just asking me stuff". My bf decided to go out of his way to send her anon messages, joking around. I don't know why. Seems like they were close enough to joke around again.

But the message he sent her was this: "You're sweet. I like you."

What...? I don't understand. I mean I know he was on anon and wasn't expecting her to realise it was him (she pretty much guessed immediately), so maybe he was just trying to be nice. But... surely he could've just said "You're cool" or something more neutral? Something that seems more like what you'd say as a friend to another friend, rather than a boy to a girl he likes...? Not even a girl would say to her own girl friend "I like you". It just seems... off.

Been kind of mulling over this in my head for a while. Somehow it feels more crushing to type it out. I just feel a sinking, heavy feeling in my heart.

Then I realised that I'm not upset at Girl X at all. I thought maybe I didn't like her because I was jealous and that I didn't like the way she treated him. But... I think I'm upset at him instead. He's the one who wrote what he wrote. He's the one who's initiating those convos with her.

And once again, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that maybe they'll add each other on Skype again, if they haven't already. I'm afraid he will find her more fun to talk to. I'm afraid he'll like her again and leave me behind. I'm afraid he won't love me anymore. I'm afraid of being replaced.

I'm just... afraid of everything. As usual.

I wish I just knew how to not give a shit.

Hurt.

I hate this feeling. I hate it.

I've been constantly moodly the last few months. The only reason I've cried the past few months is all because of you. Is this really a good idea? Is a tranquil life with no ups yet no downs better than a life filled with extreme highs and extreme lows? Is it really worth it? I'm not too sure anymore...

Don't tell me it's because you feel bad for making me wait. I'd rather you say you'd like to talk to me too. The thing is, you don't. I don't want you to feel like talking to me is an obligation because if that's all there is to it, what's the point?

I told you I was possessive, but you didn't believe me. I wonder when you'll see it for yourself.

-

My mom caught me staying up until almost 6 AM yesterday. I was waiting for him up to 5 AM but then he wanted to talk to someone else. I told him I was just gonna go sleep. The truth is I stayed up for another hour crying to myself because I'm a stupid moody selfish bitch.

She says I now have to go to bed at 11:30 PM and that she'd confiscate my laptop. I don't even care anymore.

I don't want to make changes in my life just for him anymore since I'm obviously not as important to him as he is to me. I'm not going to stay up until the morning just for him anymore.

sigh.

Summer holiday! + OOTD: Blue Maxi

Well actually it's been a week into summer holiday already. I really should update my blog more. = = I just don't have much to write about, I guess. I think I generally only write entries when I'm sad and have no one to talk to, which might not be too good because looking back, it'll seem like I'm constantly depressed. I guess I'll spam some of my pictures from Instagram (@yuemie, follow me? :D).

Selfie I took on the last day of school.

And another one.

I suuuuper love how I look here. I wish I could look like this all the time. D: Usually I always have to liquify my face to get it to look normal, but I only edited away a few blemishes for this picture. I really want waist-length hair! *-* I'm just wearing extensions here.

So yeah, life's been pretty good. I have a lot of summer work to do thanks to art. = =; Seriously, if I wasn't taking art, I'd have absolutely nothing to do this summer. Wish I could just relax for a month.

I'm still Skyping with my bf everyday. c: Remember that entry I wrote over a month ago about how I didn't feel like I was a priority? Well, that has changed. I feel really important now. He calls me almost as soon as he comes home from work and we talk all the way until I have to go to sleep. We have a 5-hour time difference since he lives in the US, but we can manage. He's planning on visiting next summer and I'm looking forward to it. ^u^

I really hope this works out. I'm still kind of scared over getting my hopes up. There's just so many obstacles between us. We'll only be able to see each other once a year, and it'll be like that for a few years since we're going to university in our own countries. And if we do get through those few years, what do we do when we want to move in together? Should he come to the UK where everything is way more expensive and where it would be harder for him to find a job than in the US? Or should I go to the US where I'm foreign to everything and where it'll be harder for me to find a job? Plus I'd be far away from my mom too, since she's probably staying in the UK. There's just so much sacrifice involved.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much, haha. I really do hope this works out.

More uncertainties.

Copied/pasted from my Tumblr. Thought I'd keep my life updated here too.

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I have so much I need to do - it’s so frustrating. .-. I’m hungry and tired and sleepy. I need to eat, take a nap, shower, do a maths paper, do stupid classics homework and go to sleep by midnight. I need to start listing out all the universities I want to apply to and put them in order with all their entry requirements, whether they require portfolios, cost per year, etc., as well as get started on my personal statement. And I need to choose a location in London and create a presentation about the architecture of that particular location.

I’m hating classics again because one of my teachers (I have two teachers for classics - one male, one female) patronised me yesterday, ugh. She told the class to discuss in pairs who Agamemnon is. My partner and I both knew that he was killed by his wife Clytemnestra and that he has a son called Orestes. The teacher then asked my partner what I had said.

Partner: He was killed by Clytemnestra.
Teacher: -super surprised face- Wooow! Anne said that?

Note: if you take classical civilisation and studied the Odyssey (or even if you’ve just watched a movie about the Trojan war), knowing that Agamemnon was killed by Clytemnestra is probably one of the most basic things you can possibly remember. If the teacher didn’t consider it as basic knowledge, then fair enough, but she specifically said my name, as if she’s only surprised because I knew that.

I’d love to get an A* by the end of this course just to see that look of surprise and utter disbelief on her face. Hell, this is the reason why I wanted to apply to Cambridge (other than how awesome the place looks and its prestigious reputation). If I happened to be offered a place there somehow, imagine the reactions of the people who thought I’m just a dumb quiet girl with no ambition or opinions of my own. I’d laugh right in their faces. Imagine how satisfying that would feel.

Not gonna apply to Cambridge anymore though since I’m pretty sure I failed physics really hard, lol. I don’t want to apply to any universities that require interviews because I’m terrible at those. It’s not even worth bothering to try. There’s one uni in London that I’m actually interested in, but they require interviews so there’s practically an almost-zero chance of me getting a place there. Plus if I’m gonna apply for a uni I most likely wouldn’t get in, I might as well go for Cambridge.

I’m wishing that I chose to study psychology instead of classics again. I might be going through a phase or something since I occasionally wish I was studying medicine, law, etc., but I think I may actually have a genuine interest in psychology, rather than the “Hey, it’d be cool to save lives”, “I’m pretty good at being unopinionated and adapting my mindset to argue for whatever cause I’m told to argue for” and “I’m pretty decent at art and maths so I’ll do architecture” attitude I’ve had. I love hearing what people think. I love learning why people think the way they do. I love thinking about how events in someone’s life may have re-shaped their personalities into who they are now.

I do like architecture based on the work experience I’ve done. Tracing cross-sectional views of buildings, rendering them on Photoshop and creating models of them on CAD were all super fun. I could spend hours and hours without a single break just perfecting every detail. The company director even said that the standard of the work I produced matched that of the full-fledged architects there. But I don’t feel… interested. I don’t feel the same fascination I feel when I read about how the human mind works.

Though I guess it’s still a good thing that I chose architecture in the end, since half the universities don’t interview architecture applicants. I don’t know about psychology, but there’d probably be a heavy emphasis on interviewing. I mean, if you want to be a psychologist, you’ve got to be able to talk to people comfortably, right?

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe psychology can just be a pastime of mine rather than a career. That doesn’t sound too bad anyway.

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On an unrelated note, I'll probably be talking about my relationship a lot here because I can't ramble about it on Tumblr since bf knows my Tumblr, lol. Still feels kind of strange referring to him as a boyfriend. I'm still not too used to the idea.

I've been feeling kind of down, actually. I haven't had a proper one-to-one Skype call with him for a few days. He's probably super busy because he's a very friend-oriented person, but even our text conversations seemed to have slowed down. Or maybe I'm not actually feeling upset. I just feel... normal. Like how I usually felt before I started liking him. Talking to him on Skype has been the highlight of my day for a few weeks and now that we haven't talked for a while, I guess the happy/giddy feeling sort of died down. I haven't smiled to myself before falling asleep the last few days. He said we'd talk today but he just texted me that he'll be going to a friend's house and won't be back until 11 PM. I have to go to sleep by midnight, so that leaves us very little time. And I have an exam on Thursday so I can't go on Skype tomorrow either. :c

Before we started dating, he said that a girlfriend would always take number one priority over his friends, haha. I'm starting to question it though. I'm not angry at him or anything - I just like feeling special and important, I guess. It's funny because the reason why I said I had so much to do today in the above post from Tumblr is because I wanted to finish everything by 9:30 PM, which is the usual time he comes home from work (internship), so I can talk to him until midnight. I skipped taking a nap so I can do my maths revision in time. I guess I'm ahead of schedule now. Hm. .-.

This is why I don't want to become too emotionally-attached to anyone. This is why I'm afraid of relationships. I want to be able to be completely fine on my own even when the person's gone. I'm doing okay so far, but I hope I don't get any more attached to him. I don't want to become one of those jealous, insecure girlfriends and start bitching at him for not talking to me enough. I need to respect his space too, and in order to do that, I need to focus on being emotionally independent and strictly set a distance.

I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.

Afraid of emotions.

So today is my birthday - I'm officially 17! But I'm not here to write about that, haha. Last night was probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.

Basic story is that I've been talking to a guy on Skype a lot recently and I have a lot of fun talking to him. He has asked me hypothetical questions before - whether I'd date him if he was there in the same country (he lives in the US) and he asked me out. It seems that he likes me, maybe. I didn't really give a definite answer, just "I don't know".

I spent a day or two asking myself the same question. I've been pretty restless for the last few nights. Kept thinking about him and couldn't sleep. To the point that I kept thinking about him constantly all day. And I think... I think I kinda like him too? I don't know. I don't know how this whole 'like' things work. How do you know if you like someone?

I've never felt so emotionally-drained, haha. I was confused and didn't know if I really do like him, or if I'm just nervous from anxiety. Either way, I have no idea what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. I'm scared of liking someone. I'm scared of not being able to control my feelings. I'm scared of not understanding my feelings. The night before yesterday, I tried to think about how this relationship would work, and I just saw dead ends. So I decided to try and shut out my feelings as much as I can. I'm scared of drowning in emotions.


Woke up yesterday feeling a bit less anxious because I had spent the night logically finding 'the right answer'. I spent the whole of yesterday texting him, just having fun like usual. But when I got home, I noticed that I had received a friend request from his friend. This is random, I thought. At that moment, I sort of just knew that he was serious in having a relationship with me. I instinctively knew that something was going to happen sooner or later.


I kept feeling very jittery after coming to that realisation. My hands were literally shaking when I tried to ramble to a friend and reason with myself. I still feel like the relationship would only have dead ends. The best thing to do would be to just remain as friends.


After IMing for a while, we were in a group call along with a friend of his, watching Person of Interest together. His other friend (the one who randomly added me) signed on and started talking to me about the hypothetical question. "So would you date him?", etc. I didn't want to say no but I didn't want to say yes either. And I don't know if the reason why I don't want to say yes is because I'm an egoist who thinks nothing good is going to come out of it, so I might as well just say no and end this all there and then. But I didn't want to say no. Argh, I don't even know.


I ended up not watching PoI while talking to his friend, haha. Got too distracted and was thinking too hard. His other friend in the group call left to do something, so it was just the two of us. We carried on talking as usual (btw I was IMing what I wanted to say - because I was in the living room and couldn't talk. I suck at talking anyway haha). Suddenly he asked me if I had time to stay up longer. I said I did. I noticed that there was a long pause after that, and Skype showed that he was typing something. Typing and typing.


Then he just confessed that he likes me.

He couldn't say it out loud otherwise his parents might overhear, and they're really strict with this whole dating stuff haha. This is the first time someone has ever confessed to me face-to-face (well not quite face-to-face but you know what I mean). I didn't know what to do. I was happy, but I was scared too. Do I actually like him? What's the concept behind relationships? What's the point of it? How would this work? What if I started acting like a bitchy possessive girlfriend?


We spent 3 hours straight talking about this. I pointed out some problems this relationship could have and he explained it all. But I still felt hesitant. I think I just wasn't ready. I told him this and he was okay with us just being friends, which is great. He told me to tell him if I change my mind. He was happy that we could remain as friends, I think. He was glad that I had thought about this before. He said that the last two times he confessed to a girl, they all reacted negatively. And that makes me feel pretty good being the only one who sorta reciprocates his feelings, like I'm special or something haha.


So I guess that's that. We're just gonna stay as friends, I think. Though to be honest, I'm still kind of scared because I'm attracted to people who like me, so I hope my feelings don't intensify or something. What if I eventually liked him back for sure and wanted to go through with this relationship, but he had moved on already?


He was so sweet when he was telling me all of this. He said he was really jittery so sorry if he made any typos. I could hear that he was really flustered since we were in a call. It was cute, haha. I think my heart was beating pretty fast. oh god. I still don't know how I'm feeling. I still feel kind of strange right now. As if my heart is itchy or something, I don't know. I've had this feeling before when I dreamed about falling in love. I'm scared. I don't want to be far away from someone I like. I've had dreams about this before and it hurt so much - I cried every single time. I think the biggest problem I have is still with the long distance. I imagined what it would be like if we lived close-by, and it looked like fun, haha. Or maybe I'm just creating some perfect scenario in my head in which I don't feel anxious and confused. I don't know.


So yeah. That's all that can happen for now. I feel a bit lighter after the talk, but still a bit confused. We'll just have to see how this goes.