We broke up.

We were really happy for a few months after he sorted out his flirting problem. Then he had to choose between his family or me. He chose his family.

I don't blame him for choosing his family, but it seems like he had lied about taking me seriously. He just seems really fickle. Months ago, he was always talking about how he hates his family and how he wants to get away from all the Arab traditions. All of a sudden, he just... changed.

Apparently his sister asked him a week ago while they were on holiday about what he thinks will happen to us in the future. The issue has been bothering him since. I don't know why he didn't discuss this with me earlier and only brought it up because it was somewhat relevant to a conversation we were having.

I thought he had been acting distant ever since he came back from holiday. I pointed this out to him and he said he wasn't. What really upsets me is that he had been shamelessly asking me to show him my body when he knew perfectly well that he had no intentions of having a future together. He'd literally beg me when I said no.

I think I'm far too nice for my own good. Every single thing that he has done to me I had forgiven. The way he had trashed my self-esteem and told me I wasn't good enough. The way he tossed me aside while he was holiday and said I was annoying. The moment he comes back, he just wants to see my body. He only wanted me when he needed me. I put up so much fucking bullshit. I couldn't even vent out all of my pent-up resentment and frustration in the end. I couldn't express all of the horrible things he had done to me so that he could at least repent.

But fuck, he has also done nice things for me to. Buying me presents, cheering me up (sometimes) when I'm sad by singing badly and goofing around, telling me that I'm beautiful.

It's so hard because I don't know if he's worth my kindness. Or maybe I'm just weak. If I were stronger and tougher, I'd cut him out of my life instead of asking if we can just go back to being friends. He liked the idea of being friends. Maybe I should've just told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and how he had completely wrecked me.

Hearing the words "I love you" everyday really becomes addicting. I just don't want to lose him completely. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have no friends. He was pretty much the only person I've really opened up to in the recent years.

This rant is a complete mess, sorry. It's hard to think straight. It just hurts so much that he'd choose the family he claimed he hates over me. I wasn't important to him at all like he was to me.

I dealt with all the awful ways he treated me, believing that maybe someday everything would sort itself out and somehow we'd live happily ever after. That's what I get for trying so hard until the very end, huh?

Ever since I started dating him, I've become very cynical about the whole idea of "love". I don't understand why he even asked me out if he was going to follow Arab traditions of arranged marriages in the end. I feel like I was used just for him to kill time. I was perfectly fine without him. I was living a very content life. How can I be content now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have that one special person who you tell everything to? Who do I talk to now?

Sorry for the long post and if anything made no sense. I feel so heartbroken.