I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.

Afraid of emotions.

So today is my birthday - I'm officially 17! But I'm not here to write about that, haha. Last night was probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.

Basic story is that I've been talking to a guy on Skype a lot recently and I have a lot of fun talking to him. He has asked me hypothetical questions before - whether I'd date him if he was there in the same country (he lives in the US) and he asked me out. It seems that he likes me, maybe. I didn't really give a definite answer, just "I don't know".

I spent a day or two asking myself the same question. I've been pretty restless for the last few nights. Kept thinking about him and couldn't sleep. To the point that I kept thinking about him constantly all day. And I think... I think I kinda like him too? I don't know. I don't know how this whole 'like' things work. How do you know if you like someone?

I've never felt so emotionally-drained, haha. I was confused and didn't know if I really do like him, or if I'm just nervous from anxiety. Either way, I have no idea what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. I'm scared of liking someone. I'm scared of not being able to control my feelings. I'm scared of not understanding my feelings. The night before yesterday, I tried to think about how this relationship would work, and I just saw dead ends. So I decided to try and shut out my feelings as much as I can. I'm scared of drowning in emotions.


Woke up yesterday feeling a bit less anxious because I had spent the night logically finding 'the right answer'. I spent the whole of yesterday texting him, just having fun like usual. But when I got home, I noticed that I had received a friend request from his friend. This is random, I thought. At that moment, I sort of just knew that he was serious in having a relationship with me. I instinctively knew that something was going to happen sooner or later.


I kept feeling very jittery after coming to that realisation. My hands were literally shaking when I tried to ramble to a friend and reason with myself. I still feel like the relationship would only have dead ends. The best thing to do would be to just remain as friends.


After IMing for a while, we were in a group call along with a friend of his, watching Person of Interest together. His other friend (the one who randomly added me) signed on and started talking to me about the hypothetical question. "So would you date him?", etc. I didn't want to say no but I didn't want to say yes either. And I don't know if the reason why I don't want to say yes is because I'm an egoist who thinks nothing good is going to come out of it, so I might as well just say no and end this all there and then. But I didn't want to say no. Argh, I don't even know.


I ended up not watching PoI while talking to his friend, haha. Got too distracted and was thinking too hard. His other friend in the group call left to do something, so it was just the two of us. We carried on talking as usual (btw I was IMing what I wanted to say - because I was in the living room and couldn't talk. I suck at talking anyway haha). Suddenly he asked me if I had time to stay up longer. I said I did. I noticed that there was a long pause after that, and Skype showed that he was typing something. Typing and typing.


Then he just confessed that he likes me.

He couldn't say it out loud otherwise his parents might overhear, and they're really strict with this whole dating stuff haha. This is the first time someone has ever confessed to me face-to-face (well not quite face-to-face but you know what I mean). I didn't know what to do. I was happy, but I was scared too. Do I actually like him? What's the concept behind relationships? What's the point of it? How would this work? What if I started acting like a bitchy possessive girlfriend?


We spent 3 hours straight talking about this. I pointed out some problems this relationship could have and he explained it all. But I still felt hesitant. I think I just wasn't ready. I told him this and he was okay with us just being friends, which is great. He told me to tell him if I change my mind. He was happy that we could remain as friends, I think. He was glad that I had thought about this before. He said that the last two times he confessed to a girl, they all reacted negatively. And that makes me feel pretty good being the only one who sorta reciprocates his feelings, like I'm special or something haha.


So I guess that's that. We're just gonna stay as friends, I think. Though to be honest, I'm still kind of scared because I'm attracted to people who like me, so I hope my feelings don't intensify or something. What if I eventually liked him back for sure and wanted to go through with this relationship, but he had moved on already?


He was so sweet when he was telling me all of this. He said he was really jittery so sorry if he made any typos. I could hear that he was really flustered since we were in a call. It was cute, haha. I think my heart was beating pretty fast. oh god. I still don't know how I'm feeling. I still feel kind of strange right now. As if my heart is itchy or something, I don't know. I've had this feeling before when I dreamed about falling in love. I'm scared. I don't want to be far away from someone I like. I've had dreams about this before and it hurt so much - I cried every single time. I think the biggest problem I have is still with the long distance. I imagined what it would be like if we lived close-by, and it looked like fun, haha. Or maybe I'm just creating some perfect scenario in my head in which I don't feel anxious and confused. I don't know.


So yeah. That's all that can happen for now. I feel a bit lighter after the talk, but still a bit confused. We'll just have to see how this goes.

Wigs and Hair Inspiration

Sorry for the lack of updates... again. > < Today I thought I'd share with you a bunch of pretty wigs I've found. A lot of these are from Asian websites so I don't know how to get them, but we can gush over all those pretty things that we can't have, yes? ;w;

1. This pretty light brown wig (Clair Beauty). I want to grow my hair out into this style and dye my hair this colour though, so I probably wouldn't buy it. But it's so pretty! My girly hair inspiration~ *-*

2. Short tomboy wig (Clair Beauty). The closest I can find to a male wig from a trustworthy source. I think it could look a lot more boyish with the right styling.

3. Cute bow hairbands (Angel Q). They look like little bunny ears if you wear them.

 

4. Black male wig. Found this on Taobao. It didn't say which specific brand it's from other than "Korean", but it kinda has a Gabalnara vibe.

5. Blonde male wig. Found this on AliExpress.

6. Another blonde male wig. Also found on AliExpress. I super, super want this one. ;A;

7. Long black wig with fringe. Found on AliExpress. Most full-fringe wigs I've seen don't frame the face very well and the fringe just stops abruptly around the faces, but this one has a gradual slope from the fring to the rest of the hair.

Gaaahh, I'd really like to order some wigs from AliExpress (you can find some pretty cheap ones), but a lot of the products have had either really bad feedback or none at all. I don't know if the sellers are trustworthy

Sorry this entry was so short and only had pictures. Been wanting to buy new wigs again. x-x

Not caring can be a good thing.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Nothing much has been happening in my life and I haven't felt like writing anything. > < But lately I've been thinking a bit and so I've decided to write this entry.

Sometimes I just don't understand why some people care so much. I don't mean the kind of caring as in taking care of someone and caring for someone. I mean the kind of 'caring' where some people go out of their way to do unnecessary things and make a completely irrelevant person's life miserable.

Here's an example of some girls in my school 'over-caring' (copy and pasted from my Tumblr since I was ranting, haha):

A few days ago I was sitting with Friend A and Friend B. Friend B then went to do homework and we could see her through a balcony in the middle of the floor, so we were just fooling around like “HAIII WE CAN SEE YOU! 8D”.

Today, Friend B told me that while she was sitting there, there was a small group of girls sitting opposite her and one of the girls kept commenting loudly about me and Friend A. I don’t even know how she didn’t realise that Friend B was sitting right in front of her (almost everyone knows that me and Friend B are close friends apart from the new people). -__-

Friend B told me that the girl said “OMGGG ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME? I CAN’T TELL BECAUSE OF THEIR GLASSES LOOOLZ. WHY AREN’T THEY TALKING? OR MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE USED TO TALKING AND THEY’RE USED TO NOT TALKING LOLZZZ. THEY PROBABLY JUST SPEND THEIR LUNCHES NOT TALKING SINCE THEY’RE THE QUIET PEEPOLZ, LOLZ!”

…Lyke whut. You know what I really dislike and find stupid? When people comment on small things I’m doing that’s not relevant to them in any way whatsoever. For example, let’s say I ate a muffin last week. Then all of a sudden some people who I don’t even talk to start telling their friends: “LOLZ GUESS WHAT, SHE ATE A MUFFIN LAST WEEK. LOLOLOLOLZ!” Uhhh ok. You must be really bored to keep reporting back the little things I’m doing to your friends (this has happened more than once). ._. People like that are the ones that spend their breaks gossiping about people to their friends instead of actually bonding with each other. What right does she have to say that I don’t talk to my friends during lunch? Even if I don’t, it’s none of her business anyway.

The rest of the girls in the group were just like “oh, lol” and not really saying anything. At least my ‘not talking’ is better than being so bored and awkward that you HAVE to comment on what other people are doing with their friends, especially when your friends aren’t even interested in your gossipy behaviour. :I

Also, just because I don’t talk to YOU doesn’t mean that I don’t talk to my friends. Stop thinking that the world revolves around you. (^This is aimed at that girl. I noticed that I kept switching between “you” and “she” so it might confuse some people. XD)
ok I’m probably kicking up a fuss over such a trivial thing but ARGH STUFF LIKE THIS GETS ON MY NERVES.

By the way, Friend B is the person I referred to as 'my best friend' in my older entries. But I don't think I'm going to call her that anymore because she's no longer trying to seclude me from everyone else and she's been acting like a proper friend. She has also stopped trying to get Friend A's attention since we're all very close now, so I guess she stopped feeling the need to impress her.

I think I'm the type of person who just doesn't care. Of course I care about my family, my friends and people/things that are important and relevant to me, but outside of that, I just don't care. Whenever my friends are complaining about the amount of homework they get and how stressed they are, they point out that I always seem so calm and carefree. It's not because I don't have any work to do. I think it's just because I don't care. At some point, I learned to not care about things that are not worth stressing over.

And I don't think it's a bad thing. In fact, I'm happy that I don't care about things irrelevant to me. It helps me become a more open-minded person, in a way. Because of my indifference, I am not subjective or bigoted.

But one thing I don't understand is why some people care so much. You know how some people make a big fuss over legalising gay marriage? I don't understand that. I don't have anything against gay marriage because it doesn't affect me. If gays want to get married, then go ahead. If not, then don't. It's not going to change my life (as a heterosexual) in anyway. So I just DON'T understand why some heterosexuals are making life more difficult for BOTH themselves and the people who want to marry those of the same sex? Why do they feel the need to go out of their way to make gay marriage illegal when it doesn't affect their lives whatsoever?

In the same way, I don't understand why the girl, whom Friend B overheard, was reporting every tiny thing I do since it was completely irrelevant to her.

And here's another short rant copy and pasted from my Tumblr:

We were moving a tennis net (it’s heavy as hell btw) across the court, one of the two girls playing netball on another court suddenly asked me in a haughty tone: “Um, what are you guys doing?”.

I just replied “Uh, moving the net?”. What did it look like we were doing? Swimming?
Then she said, “Well, then hurry up!! You’re taking AAAGEEES!!!”

I was just like “lol ok” and carried on moving the net.

Is it just me or was her comment really… so unnecessary and pointless? @_@ Why did she feel that she HAD to speak in a rude manner? We were obviously moving the net across the court - if she didn’t realise that then that’s fine, but did she just HAVE to sound so arrogant and sarcastic? We weren’t even on their court and didn’t interfere with them playing netball at all. They weren’t even playing a game. They were just throwing the ball into the hoop.

I don’t understand her way of thinking. Was she trying to start a fight? Why, because she was bored with netball? Was she trying to make me mad because I’m usually quiet so she wanted to see me angry? Was it because she was PMS-ing and decided to take it out on me because she knew that I wouldn’t retaliate? Why is she bothering to go out of her way to make such an unnecessary comment?

That girl happens to be in my physics class as well. Why is she creating such uncalled for resentment when we’ll be seeing each other in class almost every school day for the rest of the year?

Just WHY? I don’t understand why people do what they do. I don’t get it at all.

Do you see where I'm coming from? Why do some people just go out of their way doing something completely unnecessary to other people who are irrelevant to them? By not caring (ie. not giving a crap) about that one person, they're really just over-caring instead. If you hated one person, you could just ignore them instead of making life more difficult for yourself by making life more difficult for them. Why not just carry on with your life and surround yourself with happy things?

I'm still not completely indifferent to irrelevant people though. Sometimes I still care about things I shouldn't care about. I'm letting these trivial things annoy me but you know what? I'm going to learn to not care about those kind of people either. :)

Pre-Moving In!

We just moved into our new flat on Monday! ^^ My room isn't finished yet (I've decided not to paint the walls light brown after all because it would take too long and I should be focusing on schoolwork), but I'm definitely still aiming for a bright and refreshing atmosphere.

Meanwhile, here are some pre-moving-in photos! :D

On Saturday, my mom and I went to a carpet store to buy carpets (surprise!). We walked half of our way there and got off the bus next to a huge grassy field. Usually when you see rows of houses, it's always surrounded with even more houses, but the houses there just... ended there. o__o That probably made no sense. Imagining living in a house at the end of a suburban area and outside your window all you can see is a massive green field with trees! Kind of like living in the countryside. :D

It was a nice walk. We had to walk through a street which was peacefully quiet. There were no cars at all and hardly any people. Then we had to walk through this tunnel under a traintrack:

Is it just me or does it slightly remind you of the tunnel from Hayao Miyazaki's 'Spirited Away'? The tunnel was so claustrophobically dark and tiny! If you jumped while you're inside the tunnel, you'd smash right into the ceiling. :x

Here's a photo of my room before we did any refurnishing:

As you can see, it's a bit small and the flooring was pretty horrid (which is why we had to buy carpets). The edges of each windowframe was also really moudy and nasty so I scrubbed it off using some anti-bacterial wipes. Then after sticking down the new carpet:

 Looks so much better already! Much more light and airy. :D But then after all our furniture and boxes have been moved in:

T______T

Ok most of the boxes have been moved out now so it's not that bad. I have bought two fake cherry blossom branches to put in my room (as well as for my school art installation next Tuesday - I'll take some photos and blog about it if I remember), but I still need to get a vase of some kind. I also got a string of yellow Christmas tree lights for my installation, which I'll also put in my room for extra ambience.

There are still boxes everywhere that still needs to be unpacked, so my room probably won't be fully finished until maybe 2 weeks later or so. :x

And here's the view outside our living room:

Not bad, right? It actually doesn't lose to the river view we had back in our old flat. Everything looks so green despite the winter. :D

I actually planned on starting my Etsy shop this week (half-term holiday), but it looks like I won't have any time, and my wardrobe won't be put together until Sunday. I also have quite a lot of schoolwork to do. :x

I guess my next post will be about my art installation? So that's all for now, bye bye~ ^^