Appearance Upgrade

Yup, this is the list of things I need to do to upgrade my appearance!

1. Dye my hair. I want the colour in the picture below (which I edited). I think the photo-editor said that the colour was reddish-brown. Sadly, dying my hair would mean no more hair extensions because they're different colours! D: I don't want them to sit in the bottom of my drawer for the years to come. If only there's a way of dying synthetic hair extensions. Though I could dye my hair just a dark brown colour to match the extensions, but I want a colour that's dramatically different.

2. Buy brown eyebrow pencil. Since my hair will be dyed brown, I'll be dying my eyebrows as well. I'm going to need brown eyebrow pencil to fill them in. My eyebrows look pretty thick in real life, but for some reason they look really faded on camera

3. Lose weight. Because my thighs and arms look so fat, fml.

4. Pinch nose. That probably sounded weird, but pinching your nose makes your nose taller. Mine is so flat at the moment. D: The noseclip my mom asked her friends in Taiwan to buy hasn't arrived yet because they keep forgetting to put it in the parcel along with the other stuff we asked for, haha.

5. Buy an angled make-up brush. I think this would be so much easier to control because eyeliner pencils are pretty blunt, and I'm pretty good with paintbrushes already. :D It's such a waste to keep sharpening them if there's still a lot of eyeliner left, so I can just use the brush to make the lines look more defined.

6. Buy white eyeliner pencil. So that I can line my waterline and make my eyes look BIIIG.

7. Buy fake eyelashes and eyelash glue. Because they make your eyes look so big and pretty. *o*

8. Thinner jaw and smaller cheekbones. Okay I don't know how I can achieve this without plastic surgery, but I'll try massaging my bones or something.

9. Grow taller.

10. Brighten face with lemons. My face has a sickly yellow/brown look to it, which looks nasty on me. I want to use lemons to bleach away the yellowness somehow.

That's all I can think of for now. I might add to this as I go along.

Argh I really want to go to Taiwan this summer, especially since I now put on makeup when I go out. Last year when I went there, I didn't use any makeup so I feel like I wasn't at my prettiest. :x I want to look pretty in Taiwan because people there could understand the Asian sense of beauty, if you get what I mean. In England, I'm not considered to be pretty by non-Asian people but in Taiwan, almost everyone there is Asian so I get quite a lot of compliments. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. :D

Edit: Oh gosh, I can't believe I forgot the thing I want to buy the most.

11. Buy a male wig. I want this so badly owepijrwoiejr ;__; It's either this, or a boyish haircut. But I don't want to risk looking like a little boy, so a wig would be the safe choice. I WANT A BOYISH HAIRCUT OPEJROEWIJRT.

Realistically speaking...

...there is no way that I'd be able to look like Yu Ha Min if I get a boyish haircut. ;__; (Unless I get plastic surgery, but that is waaay too painful for me. Though when I'm older, I'd like to get my nose done - only as a last resort. *shifty eyes*)

 Why can't I look like that!? ^ (That's a rhetorical question so shush.) I think even if I were to get a boyish haircut, I'd still look like a girl, or a really chubby and short 11-year-old boy. Besides, my hips are too wide to pull off looking like a guy.

So I'm going to set aside my dream of looking like a pretty boy for now and instead, I want to become a shu nu (淑女). Yep, I'm going towards the extreme opposite of a tomboy.

Actually, now that I'm typing about it, maybe I'd like to have a more ulzzang-y vibe so I can be a bit more creative and expressive with my style of clothing. Shu nu's can wear bright clothes too, but I imagine them to wear dainty and delicate dresses. I just have this vision of shu nu's being all reserved and demure. If I were a guy, I'd like a girl who is shu nu, so it feels like I can protect and take care of her. I'd beat up anyone who picks on her. asdfghjkl;

*cough*

Anyway. I've been changing my mind A LOT over whether I should get a boyish haircut or not. I want to grow my hair out and dye it brown this summer. I also want to look like a guy but like I said at the beginning of this post, it's quite unrealistic considering that I want to look like a hot guy. My eyes are too round. My face is too chubby. My legs are too fat. My height is too short. My nose is too flat. My hips are too wide. My boobs are too big (I don't think binding would be good in the long-run). I could go on and on.

The ONLY part of my body that would fit in with a guy's figure is probably my shoulders. :| They're pretty wide, in my opinion. My wrists also look pretty manly if I wear some kind of a bracelet, LOL.

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My revision is also going horribly. I still have not done a single thing. Well, I did do three paintings yesterday but that doesn't count because it's work that I should have done aeons ago.

I wrote the times of all my exams on my calendar and it actually doesn't seem that bad. The only thing I'm really stressed about is maths. I finally understand all the people who have complained about how hard it is! I used to just be like "Psh, maths is easy", but it really depends on what kind of level you're on. *sigh* GCSE maths IS easy, but A-level isn't.

I did try to spend a couple of hours reading through my maths notes, but none of the information seemed to be registering in my brain. I pretty much just stared at and re-read the same page over and over again for hours. I then tried to re-copy out all my notes and condensing it to group together all the important points, but I got really tired just after going through the formula for working out the standard deviation and the variance of data.

Help. x__x

Oh god.

Study leave began last Friday and we had our last day of year 11 then as well.

Now it's Thursday.

It's been almost ONE WHOLE WEEK and I have not done a SINGLE thing for revision. My exams are in less than a week. ;__; I'm so worried about my statistics exam. I don't even get half of what's going on in my notes. Plus I'm supposed to be good at anything mathematical so I'm expected to do really well on this. Fml.

What the fuck my dad just sat on my art book. He's been trying to get on my good side because he realised how much I fucking hate him. I don't even look at him (took him a week to notice -__-). Sitting on artwork that someone has spent months on is definitely NOT how you make up with them. I'm already really stressed and he's just making things worse.

Short entry today. Need to get on with my art stuff.

I think I used to be depressed.

I was reading through my old LiveJournal account which I had used to rant about personal things in my life (I namedropped everyone and said the truth about everything, as boring or complicated as it was). On this blog, I feel sort of more restrained - I have to use a nickname to refer to the people I'm talking about, just in case they find this blog somehow.

Anyway, onto the main topic of this post: after reading all my entries, I think I used to be depressed. And I think I had been a better writer. Damn it, I should be improving. Honestly, as stuck-up and arrogant as this might sound, I seriously enjoy my style of writing from before. It was more dramatic, more interesting and it made me want to read on (even though it's my own journal). I don't remember writing some of the entries though. I'll copy and paste a couple of extracts to show you what I mean by the old me being depressed (they are all written a bit more than two years ago).

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I am no longer telling anyone anything anymore. Not when they will force me to do something I don't want to do.

My mom doesn't understand. She never does. The reason why I'm so weak: it's because I feel so lonely. I don't care if I am being used. Just the thought that I am useful is enough. I crave for company, for acknowledgment, for someone to accept and understand.

Just leave me alone.

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I have finally realized what I truly want:

Power, authority, control, and respect.

I crave for power. The authority to command others. I want the ability to silence imbeciles with a simple gesture. I want to control whether someone speaks or not. I want respect, so everyone would listen to what I have to say. Perhaps even fear.

I don't want anyone looking down at me anymore, I don't want to be spoken to as if I was inferior, and I don't want to struggle for acceptance.

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I feel like running away. I want to get away from all of this. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of school, of my dad, of my life. I'm probably just a burden anyway. All I do is upset people. I know that I should be grateful to my dad for working to earn money and for raising me, but I'm just tired now. I'm just tired.

If only I could just disappear. I want to just sleep and never wake up.

My heart hurts. The tears won't stop coming. My wish from so long ago never came true after all. If it did, it would have been better. Everything would have been better. I just can't take it anymore. It's enough.

If this is what life is, then I'm done with it. I could kill myself right now, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.

Who knew this could have happened?

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Don't these entries just make you feel so sad? Even though I was the one who wrote them, they're just so heartwrenching. If it was someone else who had written those, I'd really like to give her a hug and tell her that I'll always be there for her, that things will get better. The writer just seems like she's lost all hope and doesn't care about herself anymore. It's just so heartbreaking.

Of course, there were other more 'ordinary' entries but they aren't as significant. I still rant about anything bad that happens, but I no longer think about suicide or that everything would be better if I had never existed. I'm happy for that. I'm happy that I changed. I'm happy that I realised life wasn't like how I thought it was.

Maybe things are really getting better.