Girl X

I'm a bit upset over relationship issues again, haha. I feel like all I've been doing is feeling moody. I don't really know how much more I can take. It's been three months and so far I have cried twice because of him. Technically three times, but the very first time wasn't really his fault.

He liked two other girls (just counting the ones he actually confessed to) before he started liking me. The first girl I don't know too much about, who he knows in real life. She added me on Skype a while ago before we even started liking each other. I've only talked to her once and we didn't really have anything to say to each other after that. But she seems nice from that one convo we've had. A cute girl who likes fashion, makeup and kpop.

And so this brings us to the second girl he liked, whom he met online - let's call her Girl X. I knew her from back in my TinierMe days and met her through my old Internet best friend whom I'm not in contact with anymore. She was a sweet and pleasant girl who seemed humble and slightly shy, popular amongst the TM community. I disappeared for a year to avoid some friendship drama and came back to find that she was changed completely. She had a more tomboyish, sarcastic demeanour instead of the sweet girly image she had before. I was surprised. From what I know, my bf and Girl X had an on-and-off friendship. After he confessed to her (which happened before I came back), she became distant and started to find him annoying. Eventually he began labelling her behaviour as bitchy and they both decided to cut things off. That's when he began noticing me more and gradually started to like me.

He told me about the feelings he had for her (before we liked each other). That he gets happy whenever he sees her face. That every time they said good night and ended their Skype call, he always felt like adding an "I love you". After they broke things off, he clarified that he was now over her. They no longer spoke to each other. He blocked her everywhere and for some reason, she deleted me from her Skype contacts too.

Now, this just sets up my main issue here. I've always kind of felt slightly less... worthy than Girl X. He could talk to her for hours in a call, whereas recently we've only been in calls for an hour or two. And I don't even talk... I just type and IM, which he doesn't really like. He used to be upset whenever he wasn't able to call me when I had exams, but now he seems to... not care? We don't text as much as we did anymore. Is he getting used to me staying up to 6 AM to talk to him (I know, I know. I promised myself I'd stop...)? Lately he's been making the occasional frustrated remark to me too. I've always been uncomfortable with talking and he knows that. He was sending voice messages to me the other day on WhatsApp, and he told me to do it too. I panicked at first, then thought I'd record myself saying "Whassup my nigga!" in a deep voice to make him laugh. He wasn't amused at all - "Just... DO IT. Just TALK. No joking around - just talk normally." There's also another issue that I'm slightly uncomfortable with, but I'm not sure if that's appropriate to mention so I'll skip that for now.

I was in a call with him a few days ago and I was screensharing. I was browsing my Tumblr dashboard and he saw a username, and asked "Who's [Girl X's username]?". I told him it was her, and his reaction was: "You follow her? Ew, gross.". I just typed "LOL?" in response.

He decided to check out her blog after that, and I think they started following each other again. Then they had an ask convo on Tumblr. Then he kept reblogging her stuff like before. From a convo Girl X published publicly (by accident?), it seemed like they were getting along well. At this point, I was already starting to feel uncomfortable. I know it's stupid since they're probably just friends. I thought maybe I was upset because Girl X acted like a bitch to him from what he told me, and now she's just acting as if nothing happened. In my head, I was already envisioning her as someone pompous and two-faced from what I've been told about her.

Then yesterday, I had a convo with Girl X on Tumblr too. We just talked about kpop and joked around, and it seems... it seems like she's very nice. Quite pleasant to talk to. She wasn't pompous or bitchy like I had thought she was. I actually found our convo very fun and I found myself thinking that it'd be cool if she could add me on Skype again and maybe we could become good friends.

Then Girl X randomly posted something like "It'd be nice if I had some anons just asking me stuff". My bf decided to go out of his way to send her anon messages, joking around. I don't know why. Seems like they were close enough to joke around again.

But the message he sent her was this: "You're sweet. I like you."

What...? I don't understand. I mean I know he was on anon and wasn't expecting her to realise it was him (she pretty much guessed immediately), so maybe he was just trying to be nice. But... surely he could've just said "You're cool" or something more neutral? Something that seems more like what you'd say as a friend to another friend, rather than a boy to a girl he likes...? Not even a girl would say to her own girl friend "I like you". It just seems... off.

Been kind of mulling over this in my head for a while. Somehow it feels more crushing to type it out. I just feel a sinking, heavy feeling in my heart.

Then I realised that I'm not upset at Girl X at all. I thought maybe I didn't like her because I was jealous and that I didn't like the way she treated him. But... I think I'm upset at him instead. He's the one who wrote what he wrote. He's the one who's initiating those convos with her.

And once again, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that maybe they'll add each other on Skype again, if they haven't already. I'm afraid he will find her more fun to talk to. I'm afraid he'll like her again and leave me behind. I'm afraid he won't love me anymore. I'm afraid of being replaced.

I'm just... afraid of everything. As usual.

I wish I just knew how to not give a shit.