Two-Faced

Today while I was waiting to take my French exam, I noticed my 'best friend' talking to a lot of new friends and being conversational. Then I noticed another one of my fake 'friends' hanging out in a small group of people.
I wondered why my 'best friend' seemed to be more sociable than me. I try hard to be a honest and decent person. I help out people who ask for it. I listen to those who aren't given a chance to speak out. I never judge people according to rumours.

Then I realised one thing: they are both two-faced. You know, like the stereotypical annoying bitchy girls you see in some teenage movies? They treat you differently compared to everyone else. They act like best friends with the people they claim to hate. They're exactly like that.

The sad thing is that almost no one else seems to have realised this. Am I just thinking too much? Or maybe it's easier to talk to two-faced people because you'd be able to relate to each other on how much you hate so-and-so. I really want to talk to one of the few friends I somewhat trust about this, but I'm afraid of losing their friendship. What if they end up betraying me? What if they end up thinking that I'm the one who sounds two-faced? I'm really shy and quiet in real life, and I'd probably never go up to someone's face and say that they're two-faced, despite how much I always complain about people badmouthing each other behind their backs.

I'll tell you a couple of stories about those two-faced girls:

There's a girl in my Design&Technology (DT), art and music class for three years. Let's call her River. I never had any friends in those classes, but she'd always pair up with me for any partner works and help me out when I have any questions. I admit that she has asked me to send her my homework a couple of times, but at least she appreciated it. She thanked me for helping her, unlike my 'best friend' and that other fake friend. People have always been badmouthing her, saying how she's just trying to be popular whenever she does something. I never listened to them.

And now that we chose our GCSE options, we were in the same DT class again. I don't know how, but my 'best friend' (also in the same class) began interfering in our friendship. She kept trying to impress River or something, and helped her out with drawings and stuff. But that's not the problem; I usually focus on my work in class anyway. My 'best friend' started telling me that she thought River was stupid and annoying, and all that shit. At first I could understand because River asked me for my homework a lot of times in the past, so it was annoying to some extent (JUST DO YOUR WORK!). Besides, you don't need to like everyone you meet. There was even a time when River copied one of my 'best friend's designs, which was obviously something she shouldn't have done. But then my 'best friend' decided to act all nice and friendly to River, while still bullshitting about her behind her back and telling other people that River copied her design.

I didn't like it. I didn't like how I felt as if River has replaced me with some incompetent faker. I didn't like how she was treating River. I didn't like how River was completely clueless.

My 'best friend' also keeps ditching me aside whenever there's "better" people around. She thinks now that I'm her "friend", I was like a piece of property that she can just keep. Suddenly, it's okay to treat me like dirt because I'm her "belonging". I'm sure that is what's going through her head subconsciously.

Whenever I'm sitting next to someone else or talking to them, she starts interrupting and telling me to move over, even though there's plenty of space on my other side. It's like she just wants to cut off all of my potential friendships. I can just feel myself getting angrier just typing this. Why am I so useless? Why do I let myself be thrown around like trash? I wish I could somehow go back to the past and prevent this from happening. I always included her when I'm having conversations with someone else. I always asked her questions to bring her into our talk, explained to her what's going on and listened to her when no one else did.

So why the hell is she treating me like this? Is it so freaking hard to appreciate it? Is it so hard to return it? Is it so hard to even just acknowledge it?

She's also the one who started the rumour about me being emo. It spread like fucking wildfire across the year. I confess that I had cut myself before because I was going through bouts of depression. I thought that I could talk to her about my problems, but instead, she thought it would make her look so "cool" to share this with everyone. Okay, she only told the other fake friend I mentioned earlier, but that 'friend' decided to tell everyone. I'm pissed at that 'friend' too, but I'm more pissed at my 'best friend' because she's supposed to be someone I could trust.

I just feel so miserable at school when I'm with my own classmates - especially with my 'best friend'. Sometimes I feel better when I talk to the students in other classes because they don't know me as well, so they haven't judged me as deeply. There's one friend I have who makes me smile when we talk, and I tell her things I've never told anyone else. She's coming over to my apartment to film fashion adverts for our CiMedia projects soon. Stupidly, I invited my 'best friend' to come along. I wish I never did. I'm scared of losing my possibly one true friend to her, like how I've already lost several friends.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm pathetic.

I know that I've said this numerous times before, but I really just can't wait to go to college and make a new start.

School Updates

Another update on my latest week at school. :D

A thief (most likely the same one) stole my money again yesterday. Why me? ;-; They did it while I was in the exact same lesson at the same time period. Like I said in the blog entry before my previous one, we put our bags outside the classroom in shelves during DT class. When my money was stolen the first time, I had put my bag in the middle row, so I thought that maybe the thief happened to see mine first and decided to steal from me. But this time, I placed my bag in the top row so this means the thief is probably the same person and has some sort of a grudge against me. D: I don't think I've hurt anybody before though...

I'm super mad at the stupid thief. I want to arrange some kind of a trap to catch her somehow. Maybe I could attach a bucket of food colouring to the end of my bag and then place it on the top shelf, so when the thief pulls out my bag, the bucket will come toppling over her head. Then all I have to do to find her is to look for someone with food colouring all over them, har har. I'd have to sacrifice my bag though, and it's a really nice bag with a pretty ribbon on it. Don't want to~ ;-;

Maybe I'll just provoke the thief instead, if she decides to steal from me the third time. I'm going to print pictures of money and put them inside my purse, and write "HAHA, DUMBASS" on it. xD Someone should invent a heat-sensitive phone so that when someone touches it, a loud alarm will sound off. Then they should have a remote control to go with it, like a car, so that the owner can turn the alarm mode on and off. I'd be willing to pay a lot for something like that!

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Moving on to another topic:
My 'best friend' randomly accuses me of being racist during my art lesson. I have no idea why. We were painting our self-portraits and she said that she couldn't mix her own skin colour (she's South Asian) on the palette. I thought it was really difficult or something, so I tried mixing it and it turned out exactly like her skin colour.

She said, "I don't want to be that dark!"
She had no issue (nor did anyone else) with herself being dark-skinned before, so I was a bit confused and said, "Then add white paint to make it lighter?"
Then she replied sort of quietly, "That's racist..."

I asked her what was so racist about adding white paint, and she didn't even say anything (I'm sure she heard me because I repeated my question several times). If anything, she's the one being racist because she's accusing me just because I'm not the same race as her. A person wouldn't normally accuse someone from their own race of being racist to them, so it's clear that she's differentiating her skin colour from mine.

Speaking of which, aren't the people who say "You're racist!" the real racist ones? For example, let's say Person 1 is from one race, and Person 2 is from another. If Person 1 punches Person 2, and Person 2  says "Person 1 is racist because he punched me just because I'm (Person 2's race)!"
I would think that Person 2 is being racist, because he's the one who's separating his race from Person 1's. It's like saying "You're (Person 1's race), so that means you must be punching me just because I'm (Person 2's race). You're (Person 1's race), so you're racist."
 I'm not sure if what I typed made sense, but I'll just leave it there.

I can't wait to move on to college where I can start a whole new life with new people. :c Hopefully, I'll get into a good one with lots of mature students that I can have proper conversations with. Sometimes I just feel really out of place in my school (at least, in my class).