My best friend stopped talking to me.

I actually posted this on Reddit for advice back in December 2020. I got one piece of advice that set my mind more at peace. Sadly my post disappeared for some reason when I was looking for it today, but I had saved a draft here and thought I'd post it for record purposes.

 

-

 

My friend and I have been close for around 7-8 years. Around 6 months ago, her boyfriend of 6-7 years broke up with her and obviously this hit her hard. Her other friends and I have been trying to comfort her and listen to her talk about struggling over the breakup and also her financial issues. She seemed to be doing better after the 1-2 months, then her financial issues cropped up again, triggered extreme stress in her and she basically had a breakdown. This brought back all her negative feelings about the breakup as well as an existential crisis. I think she was feeling angry about life in general and unintentionally lashed out at me when I was trying to comfort her. We talked it out after she calmed down, but I've still continued to worry about whether my words would just upset her rather than help her.

 

I've been suggesting that she should speak with a therapist about her feelings, which she finally agreed to do after she realised she has been putting a lot of emotional pressure on me and her other friends. It's now been 3 months since she started seeing a therapist. I feel like she's not been the same since the breakdown and we don't talk as much as we used to anymore. We used to talk almost everyday, whereas now it's weeks before we speak. The recent conversations are always initiated by myself. She used to initiate conversations more often purely because of our different personalities - she's more open and talkative while I'm more the type to keep to myself.

 

Now here's a little background on me. I won't delve too much into it but I've had a fairly rough past - I suffered through abusive parents, then came out of that environment straight to an abusive ex-boyfriend for a year. The friend I mentioned actually helped me a lot with just being present as someone I could talk to when I was dealing with the breakup. The first few weeks were rough, then I started university and felt like I could fully move on now that there was something to focus on. I had a difficult time in university as I had the misfortune of meeting girls who seemed to hate me for some reason and would talk down to me, plus I had to continue to put up with my parents' abuse. I had several breakdowns during these few years and have spoken with therapists.

 

Hopefully that gives a good idea of my emotional stability. I've struggled with depressive bouts and suicidal thoughts for about half of my life. It's finally starting to get a little bit better now, however I still frequently second-guess myself, irrationally feel like everyone hates me and am prone to feeling sad and angry whenever I think about the things I went through.

 

Back to my friend's situation. When we last spoke, she admitted that she's still not doing great and still struggling with the breakup. Neither of us have addressed that we're not talking as much anymore (she's still in regular contact with her all other friends from what I heard). This would easily be fixed by me making more of an effort to initiate conversations, but I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to do it. Our conversations end up going back to her feelings on her breakup and I feel like I don't know how to respond anymore. I don't know what I can say to make her feel better. I don't know what else to say to support her. I'm just starting to feel tired because I already struggle a lot with my own emotional problems and feel like I don't have the capacity to support another person. I just want to be left alone and at peace for a while.

 

I also feel like she doesn't really ask me specifics on how I am/how I'm doing as much anymore - for example, I ask questions like "how is x going at work", "how's the new x", etc. Our friendship is just starting to feel one-sided now that I'm initiating the conversations and the conversations are mainly centered around her.

 

I feel like I'm a bad friend. Maybe I should be putting side my own mental health to support her. Maybe I'm being selfish for wanting to talk about myself too in our conversations. Maybe I'm a horrible person for having these thoughts when she's the one actually going through a hard time and in need of support, since there's nothing actively causing me grief in my life currently.

 

I guess I'd like people's thoughts on whether I'm a bad person for not continuing to actively reach out to support her, or for people to basically give me permission that it's okay to focus on myself for a while so I can come to terms with all my feelings of guilt. I feel awful for not being able to help her through her breakup when she had helped me through mine. I just feel so tired.

 

-

 

The advice that helped me was that maybe she could tell her unloading her emotions onto me was too much and so she's withdrawing in order to not ruin our friendship completely. The Redditor also said there's a difference between temporarily supporting someone during their time of need and permanently supporting someone who can't move on.

I wish I had saved their post because they put it far more articulately than I did.

It's now been almost a full year since my best friend stopped talking to me much. We caught up a little bit now and then, but it didn't feel the same.

 

My fiance actually talked to her without me knowing and asked her to get in touch with me again. She did send a lengthy message, apologising for withdrawing and saying that it was because of our time difference (she lives in the US). Time difference had never stopped us before though, so honestly I still feel like it was an excuse. I think she just kind of stopped enjoying my company.

 

She asked me how I was though and if I've been doing anything new. She seemed like she was interested. It felt like how we used to talk again.

 

Then my fiance told me he had actually reached out to her first, which made me doubt whether she actually wanted to talk to me, or if she just felt pressured to.

 

I reached out to her a couple weeks later and she was just back to talking about herself again. I tried to bring up a few things I've been doing recently, but she doesn't respond to these and just carries on talking about her problems. This was what made me start withdrawing in the first place.

 

I don't think I can call her my best friend anymore. I'm quite certain she doesn't see me that way anymore. I guess sometimes friendships just fade and I have to learn to be okay with that.

To make new friends.

I think that will be my aim for the summer (since I still have exams at the moment). I'm mostly thinking of making new online friends since there's more opportunities online than in real life, haha. I used to have an Internet best friend but I lost her years ago. So far I haven't been able to find a new best friend whom I can confide in and talk to about anything - including all the relationship stuff. At first my bf was somewhat close to that role, but obviously I can't ramble about our relationship and stuff now that we're dating, lol. I don't know. I guess I kinda want a girl friend to gush over things with.

Just more people to talk to online in general would be nice, since now I feel like I'm only on Skype just to talk to my bf, haha. It'd be nice to be more friendship-oriented, if that makes sense. I kinda feel like we haven't been talking as much as we used to, especially compared to how we were pre-relationship since we IMed each other a lot back then. I don't really know. Hope he isn't bored of me or something, haha. Though it's true that he seems pretty into a particular video game right now. Maybe that's it?

I miss having someone whom I could talk to about anything. I can barely remember what it was like since it's been almost two years. I've been trying to meet people on TinierMe ever since, but haven't found anyone who enjoys talking to me on a regular basis. TinierMe closed down too, so I can't use that to meet new people anymore.

Aaahhhh I want new friends! *^*

I admit I'm possessive...

This relates to the entry I wrote 3 weeks ago about how I feel that my 'best friend' is stealing all of my friends.

You know the friend I've added on Skype a year or two ago? I haven't been mentioning her in my blog lately. We don't have any lessons together anymore apart from classics, but we don't sit together so we can't really talk. I'm worried it might be taking a toll on our friendship. D: Yesterday, both my Skype friend and my 'best friend' had a lesson together because they chose the same option for a subject. Today I suddenly felt that they're much closer now. My Skype friend was sitting in front of my during a whole-year talk and my 'best friend' talked to her about something to do with the lesson they had yesterday. My Skype friend clearly saw me sitting next to her, but she didn't say hi or react when I smiled at her. She also walked past me twice without saying hi like she usually does. I might be paranoid, but I'm scared that my 'best friend' has taken yet another one of my friends.

I don't mind too much if my 'best friend' just befriends the other people I talk to regularly, but for some reason after she befriends them, they all start distancing themselves from me. Did she say something bad to them about me that made them start to avoid me? If she is, then why is she doing this? What's the point?

This is why I try not to let my 'best friend' know about any new friends I've made, otherwise she'd just take them away somehow. A lot of people I used to talk to a lot now ignore or avoid me. Did I do something wrong? Why are they all leaving me?

I feel so lonely.

For some reason, the friends I used to talk to don't talk to me as much anymore.

You know the friend I've mentioned before whom I added on Skype? She's the same person as Girl B in this entry. For some reason she isn't talking to me as much anymore. I helped her out with another girl's art project at school Tuesday morning, but as soon as the girl came in to school, she ran off to her like a little puppy and clung to her side. Then the teacher asked me to help with something else and I had no idea how and I needed someone to help me, and she didn't even offer to help and just left with the girl. I thought she was a good friend. Even though I made a Facebook post saying that I was going through a hard time, she didn't ask me if I was okay or anything. I never see her on Skype anymore and whenever we do talk online, she'd say "brb" and go offline for the rest of the day.

And there's also the friend I went on Omegle with from this entry. She's also not talking to me as much anymore. She didn't ask if I was okay when I posted that status on Facebook either. I don't blame her as much because we've met fairly recently so maybe she felt that she shouldn't pry into my personal life.

In the end, the people who cared about me were the people whom I thought were fake friends. The day the incident happened, I e-mailed my 'best friend' and she asked if my mom was okay. She told me to not think about it and to focus on revision because we had an exam the next day. She's still sending me e-mails and talking to me, which makes me really happy because it feels like she's trying to be there for me, even though she's told me before that she doesn't know how to comfort people. Even the girl who spread rumours about me a few years ago was the first to ask me if I was okay. Today she messaged me on Facebook to ask me how I am. Even my best friend from primary school who I haven't spoken to in years asked me if I was alright, and I used to think she was annoying because she'd always be jealous whenever I talked to other people.

All the people who I thought were nice turned out to be unreliable. All the people who I thought couldn't be trusted turned out to be the most caring. Everything's a bit messed up right now. I feel guilty for thinking so badly of them before. I'm so bad at judging people and I feel like such a jerk.

If any of you somehow found my blog and are reading this, I'm sorry for misjudging you and for all the bad things I've said about you in the past. D:

Long time no post.

Lately I've been ranting on TinierMe instead of posting here, especially since the rants were pretty trivial. ^^;

Yesterday, one of my friends came over and we went on Omegle. We met a decent guy whom we then added on Facebook. Don't worry though, I'm sure he's a normal person! I've never had this much fun with my 'best friend' and my other fake 'friends'. So this is what it's like for normal people when they have friends coming over! :D My 'best friend' is really conservative about these things - she says that I'm weird for talking to people from other countries online. She judges me whenever I do something 'weird' or 'unusual'. But with this friend, we could have fun and laugh a lot. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with her. I'm very happy! ♥

Today I cleared out my hair accessories basket and added sections to it to make it more organised.

Haha, I took a photo of it out of boredom. It doesn't look like I have a lot, but the accessories are stacked on top of each other. Before I had tidied it up, they literally filled the basket up to the edges.

This is another photo of the basket. My camera had automatically adjusted itself to 'Nightscene' mode, and it created this cool swirly effect. I edited the frame in though. I think it looks pretty!

Lately I think I've been becoming more and more girly. In the past, I used to just throw on some clothes before going out but now I co-ordinate my clothes, put on hair extensions, wear matching hair accessories and put on makeup. It makes me spent waaay more time just to go out. I used to not understand why some girls spend so much time putting on makeup, but now I find it really fun! :D I really enjoy dolling myself up and it makes me feel more confident with my appearance.

Argh, my dad just spazzed out and shrieking at me over something stupid that's not worth mentioning. :| I'm gonna go and do something to cheer myself up.

Back from school.

Still not in a good mood. I was actually going to tell my 'best friend' about how my parents were going to divorce and everything that happened, but she was too busy ignoring/excluding me. Good thing that I didn't tell her though, otherwise she would've somehow ended up telling the whole class.

She was treating me like crap again today. I did a biology test that she's going to do tomorrow, and she asked me what questions came up and I told her. She had already done a physics test that I hadn't done yet, so she vaguely told me one or two things that came up. At first I thought that was all and maybe there wasn't much to say about the test anyway, but then I overheard her voluntarily blabbing the answers to someone else yet to do the test.

When I did the test later on in the day and it wasn't anything like how she described it. She said all I had to do was to do some calculations, and that they give the formulae in the test. The formulae WERE given in the test, but the teacher had already told us this long ago. The exam didn't just have calculations. It also had a lot of questions that required studying for you to be able to answer it correctly.

I can take a guess why she's acting this way - telling someone else the answers but not me. I think she's probably jealous of me, maybe, because in my last physics test I got a higher score than her. But even if that's true, I've always been getting better scores than her in almost all subjects, so I don't see why she'd treat me this way only now.

Then she wanted to go to an art museum with me because it was part of our art homework, but I don't want to go with someone like her. She's always so clingy to me when it comes to art, but then throws me away when she finds someone 'better'. :\ And I didn't like how she was treating my mom the last time we went to a gallery. I guess I'll come up with an excuse to go with JUST my mom. I'd prefer it so much more when I'm with someone I can be myself with.

I've been blogging a lot lately. Most of them were angry or depressed entries. It's hard to be happy when so much crap is happening.

Whenever something bad happens, I always feel like making some kind of a change. Like yesterday after my parents both agreed to divorce, I gave myself a haircut for the first time. Then last night I was feeling like shit from my dad blaming the divorce on me, so I changed my blog design around. I think it looks much better. :)

I have a headache right now. Gonna go take a nap or something.

I don't like people touching me.

There are exceptions, of course - the people who don't annoy/disgust me and whom I actually like.

Today I was doing chemistry homework with a friend and we were sitting next to each other. We were both stuck on a question, and she called over my 'best friend' to come and help us. But my 'best friend' kept SHOVING her head in between us and putting her head REALLY close to mine (she has bad dandruff and acne, so I wouldn't want any contact with her otherwise I'd end up getting them). She usually hates people being physically close to her as well, so I felt as if she was doing it on purpose to separate me from the other friend. :\

Even after my 'best friend' had finished helping us on that one problem (though it turned out we didn't need her help after all), she continued sticking her head between us and wouldn't go away. She kept trying to answer the questions even though we didn't need anymore help. She was working out the answers so slowly too, so I had already written it down through my own working by the time she said it out loud. -__- Seriously, she was so freakin' close to me that I felt so uncomfortable.

My mom's cooking something in the kitchen just now and when I walked in, my dad happened to be walking in as well. I felt him staring at me so I looked up at him with a puzzled face to see if he wanted something and he was giving me this really angry look - sort of like the look you'd give someone you hated with all your heart. What the hell. And there was me feeling sorry for him. :\ Guess he's really nothing more than a dumb cheater.

Meh I can't tell whether he really did have Botox injections or not. When I looked at him properly for the first time in months, all I saw was a super deep line between his eyebrows because of his angry expression. He brought the wrinkles on himself. If he didn't keep making all those stupid angry faces, his wrinkles wouldn't look as obvious so he'd look younger and not need to get Botox, ultimately saving money while looking better at the same time. *facepalm* Isn't that a win-win situation!? But of course he throws it away because he doesn't think about consequences of his actions.

Pathetic people like these should be quarantined from people who just want to get on with their lives and be happy, otherwise they'd spread their stupidness across the whole globe and the human race would be doomed.

Shitty day.

And there was I thinking that today might actually be a good day. It was okay, honestly, but then everything came crumbling down during art.

In art, we were told to outline bottles using ink with the other end of a paintbrush. Everyone else did their outline in just one colour, but I blended shades of purple and blue in the line and double-lined it with a fainter blue. Then I recreated the shiny curves of the bottle by painting in parts with light yellow ink, going darker/lighter wherever necessary.

Then when I looked up to see where everyone's up to, I saw two people copying me (they were sitting very close to me). Guess who one of those people were? My 'best friend'. Surprise. She was copying me AGAIN.

The other girl copying me is usually nice and talks to me, so I didn't mind her copying me AS much. It's sort of like a one-off, you know? But as for my 'best friend'? HASN'T SHE COPIED ME ENOUGH?

I just felt so indignant.The second part of the exercise was to dab a blotch of ink onto the paper and let the ink trickle down over the outlines. I decided to trickle the ink upwards to make mine a bit different. Then my art teacher singled me out and said, "YOU'RE TRICKLING IT THE WRONG WAY! YOU'RE DOING IT UPWARDS!"

All I did was sit there silently. I heard someone snickering in the background - not sure whether it was aimed at me. I wish I could have said "Actually, I'm doing this on purpose because a couple of uncreative losers are copying me so I want mine to look more different to theirs." But I didn't. I couldn't. After 10 seconds of silence, she said "Oh, never mind, you can trickle it upwards too."

I felt so self-conscious after that, so I started trickling it downwards even though she said upwards was okay too. It ended up ruining my painting. The teacher also told me to paint more bottles even after I had started trickling, so the outlines of the new bottles blended with the trickles and made a huge mess.

While I was walking home (since art was my last lesson), I just kept thinking about how I wanted to rip up my painting and scream out every single thing that is stopping me from being happy. The 10-minute journey home is usually a time of peace for me, because I'd imagine what life would be like if I were different and fantasize about being a guy. But I was just filled with negative thoughts today, and I also kept thinking about how my dad was having an affair - a second life that I knew nothing about. When I got home, I was almost crying.

I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing. Just a little PMS-y, maybe. I'm supposed to prepare my French speaking questions and speeches by tomorrow or something. I haven't even started yet.

Feeling kind of down again.

Another bout of depression, maybe? :c

The weather was really great today - all bright and sunny. I should be happy. But I started thinking about how badly my 'best friend' treats me and it just made me feel like crap. I saw her finished fashion advert and I swear that 70% of it consisted of clips filmed by me, and she gave me no credits for the filming. I'd rant about that but I'm not really in the mood anymore. Oh well, just a couple more months and I could officially distance myself from her. The fact that I have French speaking exams coming up soon and a biology and physics test coming up doesn't help improve my mood either.

Argh, so worried about French. A lot of people have already finished memorising their questions and answers in my class, and I haven't even started yet. It's an official exam so my grade would affect the university I get into. I wish they'd tell us about the exam up to 2 months in advance or something, just as a warning, and the people who want to start preparing can do so if they liked. I only found out the official date of the exam earlier on this week, and the exam's in around 2 weeks or so. There's not enough time to learn so much.

I think I've been having self-esteem issues recently. Today at school I looked at my reflection and I just felt so ugly. My face looked really wide and big, my nose looked so flat, my skin looked terrible, my eyes looked tiny and I looked really stupid with glasses on. Blah. But when I got home and looked in the mirror, my face looked healthy and dewy, my eyes looked big, and my features contrasted nicely with my skin. Wtf?

I guess I have nothing else to say here. I'll try to cheer myself up somehow. Not in the mood for anything though - not even playing around with make-up. ._.

Selfishness

Done with the filming for my iMedia fashion advert project! On the down side, a lot of the clips turned out to be really unclear and pixelated after I uploaded it onto iMovie. D: My 'best friend' also took all of the clips I filmed as well. So freakin' annoying. It's even more annoying that I'm the type of person who just can't say no. I made a rant on TinierMe about how demanding and selfish she was being. I'll post it here:

Okay, so two of my friends are coming over to my house tomorrow to film a fashion advert. I'll just call them Girl A and Girl B here.

At first, just Girl B and I were going to film each other, but I invited Girl A because she said she didn't know what to do, where to film, who to film, etc. Big mistake. Girl A is now being SO FREAKING SELFISH. D:<

First, Girl A wanted me to be the model in her advert. Sure, alright. Then Girl A wanted me to ask Girl B is she could also film her. Sure, that's fine too. I'll ask. Then Girl A wanted me to play the role of the "ugly girl". That's okay. I don't mind. I'd feel bad for Girl B if she was made to play that role. I can make a small 'sacrifice' (if you can put it that way) for Girl B because she's a good friend, so I'm willing to accept the 'bad' roles instead of forcing her to do it.

Then Girl A wanted to borrow my camera to film. Okay then. Girl A suddenly said on Friday that she wanted to film the next day so I didn't have enough time to tell Girl B, and we agreed to film each other (Girl B was my original model). But then Girl A refused to put on makeup or dress up to improve her presentation, even when I offered to do the makeup for her. When I told my mom about this, she got angry and said that Girl A was being really unreasonable, so I decided to cancel it (so Girl B could come next time).

Then Girl A blamed me because she got told off by the teacher for not having filmed her advert yet (I got told off too, except that I didn't spaz over it -_-). In a way, it was technically my fault so I didn't rage at her.

Then she wanted to borrow my laptop to edit her advert because she didn't have a movie-making software at home. Starting to cross the line a bit here (I hate having non-family members use my laptop - it has lots of personal pictures on there and stuff), but I guess it's still sort of my fault because we're handing in our adverts right after a week of holidays (starting today), so she can't use the movie editing software at school.
Even though she could have downloaded another movie-editing programme.

The three of us originally agreed that we'd first start filming a scene from mine, then a scene from Girl B's, then a scene from Girl A's, then repeat. The sun sets quickly in the winter, so it would've been unfair for the last person if we had filmed each person's advert one by one. Then Girl A decided that she wanted us to finish filming her advert first, so she can use the rest of the time to edit her video on my laptop while Girl B and I were filming ours. Earlier on the week, she even wanted us to do her advert first, then for me and Girl B to arrange another session to film ours (so Girl A didn't need to come).

...

ISN'T THAT JUST SO PLAIN RUDE AND SELFISH?

I invited Girl A so we can film our adverts together, not so that she can use us and carry on with her own crap when she's done. Sure, it's true that she's not playing a role in me and Girl B's adverts, but this doesn't mean she can just barge into my home and start using my laptop like she owned it. Then she kept saying, "WHAT'S YOUR MOVIE-EDITING PROGRAMME CALLED? DOES IT HAVE TRANSITION EFFECTS? DOES IT SHOW HOW LONG EACH CLIP IS? CAN IT DO THIS AND THAT? GO HOME TODAY AND CHECK. DO YOU HAVE ANY UGLY CLOTHES? I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU'RE UGLY LOL. UGLY CLOTHES LIKE THE KIND OF JEANS THAT HAVE STRAIGHT SIDES, NOT THE SKINNY ONES. DO YOU HAVE A LONG TOP? YOU SHOULD WEAR THE LONG TOP WITH THE STRAIGHT JEANS BECAUSE IT WOULD LOOK BAD. ARE THEY IN CLASHING COLOURS?"

I don't know if she's doing it on purpose (she probably didn't, but still), but once I wore straight jeans with a long top. I didn't know that it was considered as "ugly clothes". :I

There. As you've probably realised, Girl A is my 'best friend'. Here's another diary entry with a continuation of what happened:

Turned out that Girl A didn't use my laptop (only because I told her that it doesn't convert the video into AVI format). She did use my camera though and suggested that the three of us should share the videos we filmed. Unfortunately, Girl B agreed so we went with Girl A's suggestion, but I thought it was the worst idea ever. I don't get why Girl B agreed because this would benefit ONLY Girl A, since my teacher said we're not supposed to feature in our own adverts (we must be modeling for someone else's). D:

I don't want someone to take credit for my filming. I'm not great at filming or anything, but I did come up with the poses for my model Girl B and filmed from effective camera angles. I'm fine with Girl B using some of my clips because she contributed to my project after all, but Girl A didn't do a single thing. >:O She did film one scene in which I was blowing Girl B's hair with a hairdryer but she filmed it really badly, so I had to re-film it myself with the camera in one hand and the hairdryer in another.

-__- I camwhored a bit after they left to cheer myself up, but I think my makeup sort of got smudged and made me look panda-eyed.

This looks very different from my past photos - I went for a more mature/sophisticated look instead of a cutesy style. :D I've taken more photos, but this is the only one out of two that I've edited so far (the other one I uploaded as my Facebook picture, so I don't want people I know in real life to trace the picture to this blog /paranoid).

Also, half-term holiday has started, so no school for a week! Yay!

Relaxation!

Now with most of my exams out of the way, I'm finally able to relax (at least, for a while)! I still have a lot of art coursework to do, but let's put that aside for now.

Today I had another one of those stupid mini 'arguments' with my 'best friend' because she kept clutching on to the fact that she's always right. People should stop pretending to be something they're not. Anyway, this was what happened:

Me: Your shirt is really similar to (insert a classmate's name)! :o
Friend: *asking another random girl* Is she wearing the same shirt as me?
Random: Nah, she's wearing a sweater. Yours is a cardigan.
Friend: *to me* HAHA! They're not the same shirts!
Me: I didn't say they were the same shirts. I said they were similar.
Friend: Oh. (pause) I didn't say that you said they were the same.
Me: But you said "haha". -_-
Friend: Yeah but I didn't say you said they were the same shirts.

I know that it's probably just a trivial disagreement, but it's ridiculous how she's twisting her words to make herself seem like the one who's right. All she had to say was "Oh okay", then we could just forget about it and carry on with another topic. But no, she just had to drag it on.

A few days ago, there was another girl in my class who was talking to my 'best friend' about some maths project they had to do. The girl was asking my 'best friend' for help, but she wasn't really helping her much at all. Then the girl got really stressed out from the project and started crying, then she left the room. She had only left the room for less than a second, and my 'best friend' started laughing at her with other people, saying that the girl wasn't even trying and just sat there complaining about the work.

I really hate how the girl has no idea what my 'best friend' is really like, and I really hate how my 'best friend' badmouths people behind their backs - especially when they did nothing wrong to her.

Once my 'best friend' accused the same girl of copying her designs. The only difference is that my 'best friend' didn't confront her about it and spread rumours behind her back instead. A couple of months ago, my 'best friend' did the same thing to another girl, accusing her of copying her designs when she had never even shown her designs to the girl. Yes, I understand how frustrating it is to have something copy your ideas, but is it really necessary to tell everyone behind their backs, and then pretend to be so friendly afterwards?

Ironically, my 'best friend' herself had stolen my ideas numerous times before. It wasn't fair that other people couldn't copy her, yet she could copy mine. She even copied my personality and each tiny habit I had.

I feel like I'm always ranting about my 'best friend'. Seriously, she's done so much that pisses me off. I admit that sometimes she's nice to me. Mostly when she needs me and has nobody else to rely on. :\

School Updates

I need to learn three pages of French words for a vocabulary test tomorrow. I've copied out all of the words once, so I've probably only rote-learned a small section of it.

I've been ill for the past week and missed a couple of school days. I also have a slight headache right now. x-x

I was supposed to film my fashion advert last Saturday (actually, my 'best friend' was going to film me). I was going to film another one of my friends as my model, but on Friday my 'best friend' decided that she was going to come over to my house the next day, so I didn't have time to ask my model-friend if she's able to come. My mom later told me to cancel the filming because she said it was unreasonable that my 'best friend' wasn't helping me out at all and is only using me as a model for her own advert. I kind of wish I didn't cancel though because it turned out my model-friend could come after all.

Today, my 'best friend' pretty much blamed me because she got told off by the teacher for not having filmed yet (I got told off too, but I didn't complain). Our conversation went something like this:

Friend: You could've told me that you couldn't film on Saturday.
Me: I did.
Friend: Yeah but you could've told me earlier and we could've done it on Sunday.
Me: I have tuition on Sunday, so I wouldn't have been able to do Sunday either.
Friend: Yeah but we could've done it on another day.

What "another day"? There's only two days in a weekend - Saturday and Sunday. My 'best friend' wasn't even willing to film after school on a weekday. At first I was thinking of making her my model instead when I didn't know my original model-friend was coming, but my 'best friend' just refused to dress up and put on makeup (I even offered to put on makeup for her). It's not fair if my advert ends up looking unprofessional and amateur just because she doesn't want to put some time into her presentation.

I really don't think my 'best friend' has the right to complain when she's not even contributing to me or my model-friend's adverts. We could've filmed without her and it would've made no difference, except that it would take less time. My 'best friend' was also being really inconsiderate and wanted to split the filming into two days - one day to film hers, and another day for me and my model-friend to do each other's. My model-friend would have had to come over to my place twice (she lives quite far away), which wouldn't be fair on her especially since she's modeling for my 'best friend' too.

*SIGH*

I got my school report back today. It wasn't great, to be honest. I keep getting Bs in English, but I don't understand how to improve or what I did wrong. I thought I did much better in my English language essay (which was basically analysing articles) compared to last year, but I still got a similar score for some reason. I'd been taking English tuitions the last couple of months, and I really think that my writing style has improved and my tone sounds much more mature, so I don't get why my grade was still the same as last year.

Anyway, I better go back to learning my French now.

School Updates + Pictures

New profile picture! I put on makeup yesterday and did my hair. At first, I was just practising putting on black liquid eyeliner but I ended up going overboard, I guess. I didn't dress up though, hence why my clothes look so casual and bleh. xD Usually when I put on my fringe extension, it ends up looking unnaturally puffy and big-headed, so this time I tied two small ponytails (I'm not sure what they're called - pigtails?) with a part of the fringe in it . That's why there's random tussles of hair sticking out. I'd try cutting the fringe to make it thinner, but I'm scared of making a mistake. D:

As you can see if you look closely: parallel eyelids! :D My left eye still spazzes if I don't put on any eyelid tape for a while, and I'm still trying to get rid of my tapered line.


The last couple of days, a girl in my class (one of my somewhat close friends) was asking multiple people for £10 (around $16?) to buy a birthday present for another friend. She's buying clothes or something for her, but it sounds like a scam. :x Usually when you buy something, it's never a perfect whole number like 100 or 50 - a lot of items always cost a couple of pence/cents more, if you know what I mean. And what is she going to do with the leftover money? Keep it? That's just unfair.

Anyway, the first time she asked me for £10, I didn't give her an answer because someone else started talking to her. A few days later, she asked me again and I told her that I'd have to ask my parents because £10 is a lot of money. She said that I could just bring £5 if I wanted to or even £1, so I said I'd ask.

The next day, I forgot to bring the money (I fell asleep at 8 PM and didn't wake up until next morning). She started raging at me and saying "I TOLD YOU LIKE FOUR TIMES!". No, you didn't. You only told me TWICE - and that's me counting in the first time when I hadn't even agreed to it yet. The girl's birthday was like 2 weeks ago anyway, so it doesn't really make much of a difference if the present is a couple of days more late.  I offered a solution by saying that I could give her £1 for now (which was all that I had at the time) and she could pay the other £4 of my share, and then I'd give her £4 after she has ordered it. She kept saying "WHUT?" and looked like she didn't understand me at all. -__- She later apologised though and said that she didn't mean to nag, so it's okay now. :D

Most of my GCSE science exams are over! I still have a physics one coming up on Monday. I did pretty well in my physics ISA (39 out of 40!), so maybe physics really is my ace science after all - touch wood!

My thighs hurt so much from PE today. I was using this cycling machine in the school mini-gym. After pedaling for 5 minutes or so, I changed the programme so that it's recording my heart rate (it was on how many fats I burnt at first). I entered my age, and the machine said that my target heart rate is 164. I pressed enter to start and began pedaling, but less than 10 seconds later, the machine said: "Target heart rate reached!" Turned out that my heart rate was already 180. :x This is probably why I manage to stay thin without exercising - I bet my heart rate goes up to like 150 if I'm just going up the stairs or something. So unfit. =_=

Two-Faced

Today while I was waiting to take my French exam, I noticed my 'best friend' talking to a lot of new friends and being conversational. Then I noticed another one of my fake 'friends' hanging out in a small group of people.
I wondered why my 'best friend' seemed to be more sociable than me. I try hard to be a honest and decent person. I help out people who ask for it. I listen to those who aren't given a chance to speak out. I never judge people according to rumours.

Then I realised one thing: they are both two-faced. You know, like the stereotypical annoying bitchy girls you see in some teenage movies? They treat you differently compared to everyone else. They act like best friends with the people they claim to hate. They're exactly like that.

The sad thing is that almost no one else seems to have realised this. Am I just thinking too much? Or maybe it's easier to talk to two-faced people because you'd be able to relate to each other on how much you hate so-and-so. I really want to talk to one of the few friends I somewhat trust about this, but I'm afraid of losing their friendship. What if they end up betraying me? What if they end up thinking that I'm the one who sounds two-faced? I'm really shy and quiet in real life, and I'd probably never go up to someone's face and say that they're two-faced, despite how much I always complain about people badmouthing each other behind their backs.

I'll tell you a couple of stories about those two-faced girls:

There's a girl in my Design&Technology (DT), art and music class for three years. Let's call her River. I never had any friends in those classes, but she'd always pair up with me for any partner works and help me out when I have any questions. I admit that she has asked me to send her my homework a couple of times, but at least she appreciated it. She thanked me for helping her, unlike my 'best friend' and that other fake friend. People have always been badmouthing her, saying how she's just trying to be popular whenever she does something. I never listened to them.

And now that we chose our GCSE options, we were in the same DT class again. I don't know how, but my 'best friend' (also in the same class) began interfering in our friendship. She kept trying to impress River or something, and helped her out with drawings and stuff. But that's not the problem; I usually focus on my work in class anyway. My 'best friend' started telling me that she thought River was stupid and annoying, and all that shit. At first I could understand because River asked me for my homework a lot of times in the past, so it was annoying to some extent (JUST DO YOUR WORK!). Besides, you don't need to like everyone you meet. There was even a time when River copied one of my 'best friend's designs, which was obviously something she shouldn't have done. But then my 'best friend' decided to act all nice and friendly to River, while still bullshitting about her behind her back and telling other people that River copied her design.

I didn't like it. I didn't like how I felt as if River has replaced me with some incompetent faker. I didn't like how she was treating River. I didn't like how River was completely clueless.

My 'best friend' also keeps ditching me aside whenever there's "better" people around. She thinks now that I'm her "friend", I was like a piece of property that she can just keep. Suddenly, it's okay to treat me like dirt because I'm her "belonging". I'm sure that is what's going through her head subconsciously.

Whenever I'm sitting next to someone else or talking to them, she starts interrupting and telling me to move over, even though there's plenty of space on my other side. It's like she just wants to cut off all of my potential friendships. I can just feel myself getting angrier just typing this. Why am I so useless? Why do I let myself be thrown around like trash? I wish I could somehow go back to the past and prevent this from happening. I always included her when I'm having conversations with someone else. I always asked her questions to bring her into our talk, explained to her what's going on and listened to her when no one else did.

So why the hell is she treating me like this? Is it so freaking hard to appreciate it? Is it so hard to return it? Is it so hard to even just acknowledge it?

She's also the one who started the rumour about me being emo. It spread like fucking wildfire across the year. I confess that I had cut myself before because I was going through bouts of depression. I thought that I could talk to her about my problems, but instead, she thought it would make her look so "cool" to share this with everyone. Okay, she only told the other fake friend I mentioned earlier, but that 'friend' decided to tell everyone. I'm pissed at that 'friend' too, but I'm more pissed at my 'best friend' because she's supposed to be someone I could trust.

I just feel so miserable at school when I'm with my own classmates - especially with my 'best friend'. Sometimes I feel better when I talk to the students in other classes because they don't know me as well, so they haven't judged me as deeply. There's one friend I have who makes me smile when we talk, and I tell her things I've never told anyone else. She's coming over to my apartment to film fashion adverts for our CiMedia projects soon. Stupidly, I invited my 'best friend' to come along. I wish I never did. I'm scared of losing my possibly one true friend to her, like how I've already lost several friends.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm pathetic.

I know that I've said this numerous times before, but I really just can't wait to go to college and make a new start.

School updates, and a male me? :D

My self-portrait is finished, but it looks pretty mediocre compared to some other people's. For some reason, I'm getting the feeling that some people are copying me...? I'm painting a photograph of myself making a surprised expression with widened eyes in black and white, and I saw two other people also painting in black and white and their photo was also a surprised face with widened eyes. One of them even painted an eye-shadow-like wing going upwards that was exactly like in my painting's.

I know that 'surprised' isn't an original expression, but did they just have to use the same colour palette as mine? When I look at the self-portraits from last year's art students, only one of them was black and white so I thought that my canvas would stand out more if I did that too. Guess not.

...Or maybe I'm just being too paranoid. :x I had to hand in my artbook yesterday and I haven't finished all of the research and paintings I'm supposed to do. I'm probably going to get a C for it. My fault for not being organised. D:

I should probably blog about something more interesting, but nothing much has happened lately.

I did make a new friend though! :D We started bonding much more after finding out that we both play on the same website - TinierMe. I really like talking to her; I feel like I can be myself and say whatever I want to.

I have another friend on Skype and while it makes me smile to be around her, I feel a bit restricted somehow - as if I have to keep up to certain expectations. I'm not sure why I feel this way.

-

Anyway! On a side note, I photoshopped a picture of myself into a guy a few months ago. :D I've only decided to upload the photo here now because I think my blog would look better with more pictures.

And yes, I know that the picture's tiny; it would look really fake if I made it any bigger. xD The hair is done by tying my own hair up into a ponytail and edited out on Photoshop, and then I drew the rest. (<-- I think the sentence structure here is an epic fail, but I'm not sure how to reword it to make it sound better. *noob*)

The photo is actually from back when I used to edit my pictures like crazy soejr;poweijr, so that's why the eyes look a bit strange (but my pose was so guy-ish here that I just had to choose this one).

All in all, I think I could pass as a girly guy. = w = b

Half-Term Holiday

I'm on half-term holiday - this means no school for a week! Yay! :D So here's an update of everything that happened in the last week of school:

For some reason, three girls gave me dirty looks. I have no idea why. D: I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything, nor do I even know them. All I literally did was walk past them in the corridors. Then while I was organising the books in my locker, someone walked past me and whacked my head with her bag. There was something hard in it too, like a plastic box or something. She turned around to look at me, knowing that her bag hit me, but she didn't apologise. I swear a lot of people in my school hate me for some reason. Maybe someone's been spreading rumours. Again. *sigh*

My 'best friend's iMedia project wasn't working this week and I secretly laughed at her. > >; That probably sounded mean, but it serves her right for stealing my programming idea. A teacher fixed it for her though. Oh well.

I can't wait for college. I want to start a new life with new real friends. I want to become stronger so that when people indirectly bully me, I can actually fight back instead of having them treat me like a piece of crap. But college students wouldn't do immature things like spreading rumours anyway, right?

I went to Chinatown today. No pictures though; I don't usually take a camera with me. I didn't really do anything there either and just brought food and ate. I somehow smudged my makeup at some point during the day, so I didn't realise that I had panda eyes till I got home. D:

...Bleh, boring.

I have some homework to do so I'm just going to list them out here.

• Write 3 essays.
• Write answer to French writing test.
• Catch up on art stuff.

Doesn't look like a lot in a list, but each of them would take a long time to do. :(

I want more blog readers and more blogs to follow~ ;-;

Tired

After all the events in my previous blog entry, my dad's now completely normal and extra nice to me, as if nothing had happened. He didn't even apologise or talk about it. I want to ask him why he suddenly got mad, but then he would only flip out again. I seriously think he has a personality disorder or something like that.

I'm super sleepy right now, so I might make several typos or type sentences that don't make sense.

I have added lots of people in my year group from my school on Facebook but I never talk to them, neither online nor in real life. For some reason, three people talked to me this week. Weird.

I have a Latin test next Thursday, and did a mini biology test this Thursday (what's with Thursdays?). I lost two marks because I misread the question. It was something I had known too. D: My 'best friend' was bragging about how easy it was, but she didn't even get 100% and got a lower score than me. My worst subject is biology too. xD; She keeps bragging about how easy tests are, but she always gets a lower score than me whenever she does. Some people should be more humble, otherwise they make themselves look stupid when they say that something is easy but end up getting it all wrong. ><;

It's really cold~ I should go to sleep soon even though I normally sleep at 2 - 3 AM.

I'm going to label every single school subject I talk about from now on, so if people are interested in how much I fail at a subject, they can read all the posts on it with just a click. :D Plus, it would be easier for me to look back at my progress.

I actually keep a handwritten journal in real life, but I don't update it regularly. The stuff I write in it are really private and I just scribble whatever comes into my mind, including lots of swear words and grammar fails. xP I use it when I'm too upset to type a rant on my laptop, like the argument I had with my dad though I did blog about it too.

I write stuff that I regret sometimes when I re-read my journal. They sort of make me go, "Whaat! I used to think like that!?". I read an entry about my 'best friend' as well. At the time when I had written it, I didn't know what she was really like - two-faced and whatnot. She's been pretty nice lately though, which makes me feel bad for thinking of her as a bad friend. She still doesn't do stuff that a best friend should do though, like standing up for you when you're being bullied.

I think I'll just end this entry here.

School Updates

Another update on my latest week at school. :D

A thief (most likely the same one) stole my money again yesterday. Why me? ;-; They did it while I was in the exact same lesson at the same time period. Like I said in the blog entry before my previous one, we put our bags outside the classroom in shelves during DT class. When my money was stolen the first time, I had put my bag in the middle row, so I thought that maybe the thief happened to see mine first and decided to steal from me. But this time, I placed my bag in the top row so this means the thief is probably the same person and has some sort of a grudge against me. D: I don't think I've hurt anybody before though...

I'm super mad at the stupid thief. I want to arrange some kind of a trap to catch her somehow. Maybe I could attach a bucket of food colouring to the end of my bag and then place it on the top shelf, so when the thief pulls out my bag, the bucket will come toppling over her head. Then all I have to do to find her is to look for someone with food colouring all over them, har har. I'd have to sacrifice my bag though, and it's a really nice bag with a pretty ribbon on it. Don't want to~ ;-;

Maybe I'll just provoke the thief instead, if she decides to steal from me the third time. I'm going to print pictures of money and put them inside my purse, and write "HAHA, DUMBASS" on it. xD Someone should invent a heat-sensitive phone so that when someone touches it, a loud alarm will sound off. Then they should have a remote control to go with it, like a car, so that the owner can turn the alarm mode on and off. I'd be willing to pay a lot for something like that!

-

Moving on to another topic:
My 'best friend' randomly accuses me of being racist during my art lesson. I have no idea why. We were painting our self-portraits and she said that she couldn't mix her own skin colour (she's South Asian) on the palette. I thought it was really difficult or something, so I tried mixing it and it turned out exactly like her skin colour.

She said, "I don't want to be that dark!"
She had no issue (nor did anyone else) with herself being dark-skinned before, so I was a bit confused and said, "Then add white paint to make it lighter?"
Then she replied sort of quietly, "That's racist..."

I asked her what was so racist about adding white paint, and she didn't even say anything (I'm sure she heard me because I repeated my question several times). If anything, she's the one being racist because she's accusing me just because I'm not the same race as her. A person wouldn't normally accuse someone from their own race of being racist to them, so it's clear that she's differentiating her skin colour from mine.

Speaking of which, aren't the people who say "You're racist!" the real racist ones? For example, let's say Person 1 is from one race, and Person 2 is from another. If Person 1 punches Person 2, and Person 2  says "Person 1 is racist because he punched me just because I'm (Person 2's race)!"
I would think that Person 2 is being racist, because he's the one who's separating his race from Person 1's. It's like saying "You're (Person 1's race), so that means you must be punching me just because I'm (Person 2's race). You're (Person 1's race), so you're racist."
 I'm not sure if what I typed made sense, but I'll just leave it there.

I can't wait to move on to college where I can start a whole new life with new people. :c Hopefully, I'll get into a good one with lots of mature students that I can have proper conversations with. Sometimes I just feel really out of place in my school (at least, in my class).

Ramble, Ramble

As you can tell from my new profile picture on Blogspot, I've adopted a new style~! :D It looks really different from my older photos, although I never actually had a full fringe (fringe extension!). Also, I've decided to stop editing on eyelashes since they look fake and bleh. ;;

Nothing much happened lately. I read some of my previous blog entries and they were full of typos and grammar fails. I don't want to correct them though, unless they're really obvious mistakes.

I want to take psychology in 12th grade. I'm interested in learning how the human mind words and what makes people the way they are. But the psychology teacher in my school said that you have to be good at English and geography or history. I don't excel in any of those subjects. D: The only subjects I think I'm good at are maths and art (though I fail at annotating and talking about paintings).

On a slightly random note, I don't believe in getting 100%s in creative or writing subjects like English, art, DT, etc. Doesn't 100% practically mean perfection? Is it possible to write or draw something completely perfectly, without a single flaw? I don't think so. I've gotten 100%s before in my art exams, but I still find it weird. That's why I like maths exams more (as long as the questions are fairly easy, hehe), where the answers are always clear and definite.

I guess I'm just rambling on here. I have nothing to do. x-x

I missed my ex-friend Bubble the other day. We had a lot of memories together and I always tell her everything that happens in my life, like family arguments, anime, school, etc. I started to wonder if I misunderstood her and overreacted, making a big deal out of nothing. Then I realised that if she really cared, she would have sent me a message to ask me where I've been since I just disappeared without a word. It makes me feel sad that she's willing to throw away everything we had before. I would have been willing to come back and forget about everything if she had sent a message. I guess some people just don't know how to appreciate things, even after they've lost it. I guess this is what two-years of friendship was worth. ;-;

Stolen

A few days ago, I found out that my 'best friend' stole an idea I had for my iMedia project. In iMedia, you basically focus on graphic designs and learn about copyrights, or something like that. Our current project was to design a furniture website. I programmed mine so that when you click on the image of a furniture, a small window pops up with more details on the furniture and everything in the background fades into a darker colour. The programming of that feature was pretty easy, but it was just long and time-consuming to do.

When I was finished with the programming, I was really excited because it made my website look professional, so I showed it to my 'best friend'. Ironically, despite having just learnt about copyright issues, she decided to steal my idea and pass it off as her own. I was really annoyed when I found out. She could have at least asked me if she could do something based on my idea, like what another one of my friends did when we were making clay sculptures. She's stolen my ideas before in then past and gotten credit for it, but iMedia is a professional course that even adults take when they're becoming a graphic designer. Our projects would be sent off to the examiners when we've finished everything. Copying my ideas for a small thing like school homework is one thing, but copying my ideas for an examination is completely different.

I couldn't even say anything to my 'best friend'. If I did, she would have told another girl in my class who spreads rumours all the time, and twist the story to make it look like I'm the one who's wrong.

That's not only the thing that was stolen from me this week. During my Design & Technology classes, we always put our bags in open shelves outside the room. Some idiot decided to steal money from my bag. There aren't any security cameras in my school, so there's no way of catching the thief. Whoever stole it must have been a pathetic girl who wanted money to buy a ton of makeup to cover up her ugly face. *insult insult insult* But seriously, why me? There's up to twenty other bags in that shelf. Why did the thief only steal my money and not anyone else's?

The thief left my bag open, so I immediately knew that someone went through my bag. I'm slightly OCD, so I always zip up my bag properly. As soon as I found some of my money missing (not sure exactly how much though), I got mad and said "Some bitch stole my money. D:<". The people who heard me were like "OMG! Did you just swear? O_O" because I never, ever, ever swear in real life. It was kind of funny. xD

While I was walking to my next lesson, a girl asked me how much was stolen from me, so I said "I'm not sure, but it could have been up to £20." Then my 'best friend' started ordering me around, saying things like "Don't say you have £20 in your bag, or people will think you're weird. Don't start cursing in the middle of... *mumblemumble*" (Couldn't hear what she said at the end because she speaks really quietly and mumbles, yet she gets mad at me for speaking too quietly. "omggg i cant hear wut ur seying!!!!111!!" You'd think she'd be able to understand.)
I just told her that I didn't care. >>;; How is it weird to have £20 anyway? Too much money? Is it weird to have a lot of money? Oh wait, does that mean Bill Gates is the biggest weirdo in the world? -_-

So yeah, quite a lot of un-normal stuff happened this week. D: I can't wait for sixth form (12th grade). My school sorts out the students with bad grades from the ones with good grades and practically kicks them out. xD This might sound mean, but I hope my 'best friend' drops out. She really just treats me like crap sometimes. It's okay to still be friends with her, but she's not someone to be a close friend with. She starts thinking of you as her property and thinks she can mistreat you, because she gets the idea that you can't find another friend as a replacement. Sadly, that's exactly how I am. I don't know anyone else in the class I can trust and become friends with.

Oh and my school gets new people from other schools to join sixth form,so maybe I can befriend some of them! I did see a mean girl from my primary school though. I hope she doesn't get in. D: