Life Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. February had been an awful month for me and I had a lot of arguments with my boyfriend. I don't think it's worth mentioning though. I can't remember what each of them were specifically about anyway - it was probably just me being angry at the way he treats me and how he keeps flirting.

Though I do remember that near the end of February, we had a huge argument and came really close to breaking up. I couldn't go through it in the end. He told me he was tired of arguing all the time. I am too. All I'm asking is for him to stop flirting with other girls and to treat me with a little respect.

I should stop talking about depressing stuff, haha. On the bright side, things have been pretty good since then. It's been a bit over a month since our last argument. c: Usually we argue once a month so this is actually really good progress. Kinda sad, really.

He told me about a convo he had with a girl friend at work a week after the nude-girl incident. I noticed that it seemed really flirtatious so I confronted him about it a week or so ago. He admitted he was flirting and apologised, though at first he pretended he didn't remember me asking him not to flirt because he didn't want me to get mad. Oh well.

Oh and he promised me that he won't talk to nude-girl anymore but he did just the other day and I called him out on it. He apologised. I wasn't even the one who told him not to talk to her - he's the one who made that promise himself.

He's not keeping to his promises but hey, what can I do. At least he apologised, I guess. I've been calm and patient those two times he broke his promises. I think I might start to get pissed off if he does it one more time.

I hate talking about this because I can feel my anger building up slowly but I want to keep track of what's been going on. I really don't want to have another argument again. It's tiring and I'm always the only one who's getting hurt.

Anyway, onto non-relationship stuff.

I'm thinking of changing my name legally. I'm definitely getting my last name changed to my mom's because my dad sucks, and I want to change my first name because I never liked it all that much. Plus, my dad is the one who named me. I've been trying to decide between Emmy and Emi for the past few days. I asked a few friends and they all liked Emi, so I think that's what I'm going to go for. :D

Oh yeah, did you know it only costs £15 to get your name changed in the UK? I though it'd cost something in the hundreds. According to what I've read, you just need to get a legal document that proves your name change, then you have to change your name on your passport and other stuff yourself by showing them the document. So it's pretty simple. :D I think.

edit: Also, I've recently realised that I'm not a jealous person. I'm completely fine with my boyfriend having girl friends. Hell, I was even fine with him talking to a girl he used to be in love with, until he started asking her personal sex questions like what gets her wet. He has even gone on "dates" with other girls - eating and hanging out alone together. I was fine with that, because that's something you'd do with same-gender friends too. But flirting? Nope. I'm not going to happy with him going on a "date" with that work friend he flirts with anymore because that clearly shows he doesn't see her as just a friend but as a girl he's interested in, despite how much he denies it and says flirting doesn't mean anything.

Ugh, feeling my anger build up again. Gonna end this now.

Relationships suck.

Well. February so far has been awful. It's a really long story.

Basically my boyfriend has been flirting with another girl online and liked one of her nude pics she posted on a forum. I called him out on it. At first he apologised. I ranted to our mutual friend about it, who got really angry at his behaviour so she yelled at him.

I was taking a nap when she yelled at him. When I woke up, my boyfriend was suddenly acting off. He started yelling at me, accusing me of throwing him under the bus every time I get mad, yet I always expect him to be patient.

Some of the few things he said:
"Of course I'm always the bad guy, right?"
"What might be a big deal to you is not a big deal to me."
"I liked a picture. Big whoop."
"You're telling me that I did something wrong. I don't think I did. Sorry."

him: What do you want?
me: I just wish you were more aware of the boundaries in a relationship.
him: You say this like you're an expert. Didn't you ask me at one point what the normal boundaries were? What normal friends do and what normal couples do?
me: More of an expert than you are.
him: That's funny.

Then he told me that he asked for his best friend's opinion. He always listens to that guy. He basically invalidated my feelings based on what his friend said.

He gave me an attitude the day before too, when I asked him to try not to say anything misleading that would make me assume he's interested in another girl (this was before he admitted he was flirting with nude-girl).

Yesterday he told me that there's nothing wrong with flirting when you're in a relationship because it's not serious so it doesn't mean anything. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be flirting? Doesn't being in a relationship mean you're committed to that one person and so you shouldn't be playing around with other people?

Anyway, I wasn't able to change his mind. I did ask him if he was willing to stop flirting with other girls if I asked him to and he said yes. So I guess there's no problem now, unless he repeats what he does.

I don't know. I've been feeling very iffy since then. I feel like I'm losing my feelings for him? I used to be so happy when we could call - when I could see his face and hear his voice. But now I just don't feel anything at all. I felt nothing when he told me that I was pretty and how much he loved me. I don't know if it's because I've been depressed ever since that argument. I don't really feel happy anymore.

Everyone's been telling me to break up with him. My friends, my mom, strangers on the Internet, etc. They all tell me I deserve to be treated better. I hope we don't have to break up. We've had so many good memories and he does make me smile when he's not mad. We've agreed to calmly discuss it if I'm bothered by something he's doing, which I think is fair. But next time if I calmly talk to him and he still snaps, or if he still doesn't stop showing interest in other girls, then I'm afraid that's that. I don't want to be mistreated anymore.

For the first time in a long time, I cut myself again. My boyfriend found out and told me it wouldn't happen again. I really hope it doesn't. I'm tired of arguments and drama. I just want to have a stable relationship that makes me feel secure and content.

Oh and I was finally able to clear out my Whatsapp history with him. Whatsapp has been taking up a ton of space on my phone because I kept every single pic he sent and all of the texts. I didn't have the heart to delete them because memories are really important to me, but I was finally able to today. I wonder if it means something.

Pics for my store!

Finally got around to taking photos of myself wearing the clothes I want to sell on my online store. I had pictures of them just on coat-hangers but it didn't make them look very appealing. I really like how some of the pictures turned out so I'm posting them here. XD

 

 

It looks so much better than the coat-hanger pictures! :D Plus people can get an idea of what size they are. I still need to note down the material of each clothing to put in the description. I really hope people will buy my stuff, lol.

Short entry, sorry. Just wanted to keep the pics somewhere.

Jealous again.

Today I snapped at my boyfriend over Girl X. All the incidents just built up and snowballed until I finally couldn't take it anymore. He didn't do anything recently so I probably just looked crazy.

I finally asked him why he told Girl X "You're sweet. I like you.". He doesn't remember. Then he said he meant he just likes her as a friend. He seemed mad. I told him it was still weird to say that. He said he didn't think it was.

I asked him why he listens to everything Girl X says even though he disagrees when I tell him the exact same thing. He says it's only because it's two opinions versus one. I don't know if I believe him. How can someone immediately switch opinions when they were so adamant in the first place? He even got mad at me for it. But he doesn't get mad at Girl X. He listens to her.

He never put up a front around her. A while ago, I asked him if he's noticed that he has changed a lot since we've started dating (he used to be sweet and reassure me whenever I was mad at myself. Now he just gets mad). He said it was because he wasn't bothered with keeping up a good impression anymore. Is his love for me even real if he couldn't even be himself around me at the start? I just asked him about this and he was just being extra attentive to being nice and that he did it to the previous two girls he has liked too.

I wish that whenever I get jealous, he would reassure me with sweet words and tell me I'm the only one he loves. He didn't do that today and he sounded angry. I felt like he didn't care about me or about how I felt. I asked him to do that next time and he said okay, so hopefully he will.

I'm exhausted from crying so much today. I guess all my pent-up frustration blew off today. I still feel a small spurge of anger every now and then. I think I'm just angry at myself now. Angry that I showed him my weak side. Angry that he now knows how much power he has over me. Angry that I'm so weak and powerless. Should I even be angry over these things? Being possessive and prideful feels so awful and I don't want to be.

Christmas Presents + My Store

So I've finally opened my online store! I might change the name if I can think of a better one. At the moment it's pretty empty. I'm planning on selling some of my unwanted lightly-used clothes and more accessories.

Now onto my Christmas presents! Today was the last day of school so yaaay, winter holiday! I have exams the week after though. :I

This is a tin thing. Not sure what to put in it yet, but it's so pretty. *u*

Small box thing with a nail file!

Not much to say about each one since it's pretty obvious what they are, lol.

Oh, things are getting better with my boyfriend. We've cleared up the misunderstanding and for some reason, we're a lot closer than before. :D To be honest, I feel kinda apprehensive talking about the good parts of my relationship because something bad always happens after I do, though it'd be really nice to have good memories recorded down. :c

Not sure what else to say so I'll just end this here, sorry!