I don't know why but...

I kind of miss my dad. I miss how he was before he became all fawked up in the head. He didn't used to be like this. He still often argued with my mom in the past over money problems, but he never did anything that could seriously hurt the family.

He got worse and worse after we moved to our new flat by the river around 2-3 years ago. That's around the same time when he started having an affair with another woman. Maybe the woman gave him some kind of an STD that made him all messed up? :\

Or maybe he could no longer make an effort to pretend to be a good person in front of me and my brother. My mom has told me stories of how badly he had treated her before. He accused my mom of causing his own father's death before me and my brother were born. Maybe he's always been like this and it's just that I never realised.

Either way, I'm not letting him come back unless he has changed himself completely. Actually, even if he changed and begged to come back, I still don't think I'd let him.

I'll miss the person he used to be and forever hate the person he became. Because they are two different people.

//feeling down in the dumps

This is what happened.

Although someone bailed my dad out, he is not allowed to contact me, my mom or my brother. Not even through e-mails, text, phone calls, etc.

I really love England now. I used to really dislike living here because everything is so expensive and there are some people who aren't very nice to me at school. I've even encountered some people who seemed racist.

After my brother first called the police, they arrived within 10 minutes, investigated everything thoroughly and took appropriate actions (ie. taking my dad to the police station and setting restrictions). I've always heard stories about how the police is corrupted, how they don't do their job properly, and how they take hours to arrive at the crime scene. I guess you really can't judge something based on the media.

The police officers were really nice and understanding. When they asked me questions and I was speaking really quietly, they didn't act exasperated and they didn't cut me off while I was in the middle of talking.

I told the school about what had happened because I had an exam the day after the incident. I wanted to miss the exam because I was worried that my dad might come back and I wouldn't be able to concentrate, but then a teacher suggested to give it a go (I didn't do very well though because I didn't revise at all the day before). They got two teachers to speak to me and they arranged a legal advice-giving authority to contact my mom so that they can discuss what they can do next.

When the incident first happened, I made a Facebook post after the police left, explaining what happened while swearing aggressively. xD I then deleted it when my friend said she's worried about the reactions I'd get, but one of my cousins (from my dad's side) saw it and private messaged me.

At first I thought he was concerned about what happened, but I think my aunts (from dad's side) made him say stupid shit like "the family is in great pain because your father was sent to the police by his own son" and threatening that "second aunt won't forgive you or your brother if you don't help him". Um, did it occur to them that I don't give a shit? Why the fuck would I want to help someone who almost killed my mom?

Even though it's been three days since the incident, the left side of my mom's face is still swollen and completely covered in purple and black blotches. We noticed that there was a huge purple bruise on my mom's left temple. If you hit someone in the temples hard enough, they will die. My mom even said that the shithead wasn't holding back at all. Luckily, the fucktard's aim wasn't very accurate otherwise she would've died.

I replied to my cousin with a long message:

My mom, my brother and I are already on our own. Just because he used to earn income for the family doesn't give him the right to behave the way he did. There is no excuse for violence, regardless of how angry someone is.

I already can't forgive myself for not calling the police last year and for not coming home earlier today, so I don't think another person who doesn't forgive me would make a difference.

It was my dad's own choice to hit my mom and he can take responsibility for his actions. I do not see why me and my brother should clear up after his own mess, especially when what he has done had hurt my mom, and especially since he refuses to change his behavior and attitude.

He can call his friends himself if he wants to be bailed out. It would be better for him if he explained what happened to his friends in his own words anyway. He has always been accusing my mom of saying bad things about him to his friends, so if my mom contacted any of his friends, my dad would only get angry.

Sorry if I'm being rude but that's how I really feel.

Even if my brother, my mom or I tried to help him, the police would consider our safety above anything else. There is nothing that can be done. The rest is up to my dad and how he behaves.

Apparently he sent what I wrote to my aunts and they sent me e-mails to my personal e-mail address. Guess what 90% of the content was about? MONEY MONEY MONEY. Even though I never mentioned anything about money, they were throwing these words into my face. They didn't even read what I wrote and spewed some shit about how pitiful my dad is, how we should appreciate him, how everything is my mom's fault, blahblahblah more shit. They kept lecturing how we shouldn't swear at my dad while taking his money at the same time. Wtf I don't even want to touch his money. Gross. Besides, like I had said to them, "just because he used to earn income for the family doesn't give him the right to behave the way he did". Fucking idiots can't read.

One of my aunts even tried to entice me and my brother by saying that she would help pay our college tuition fees while she was saying that everything is my mom's fault in the same e-mail. Well guess what? We don't want her dirty money.

They were even saying that my dad would never start a fight and that it must be because my mom hit him first or some shit. Oh I'm sorry but the one who was there when it happened is my brother. He knows what happened. He saw what happened. The last time I checked, my brother isn't a fat 60-year-old pig living in Asia.

I sent my uncle a reply because he was the only one who understood basic etiquette and didn't blame everything on my mom. I asked him to tell those pigs not to send anymore e-mails as they only made me hate my dad more. I also said that I will no longer be replying to them.


I think that explains mostly what happened. I might have missed out some details that I forgot to mention, but that's the basic story. I was originally going to talk about how life is so much better without my dad but I started ranting and this entry is already quite long, haha. I'll save that for a later entry.

My dad has been arrested.

He punched my mom 3-4 times in the face. My brother intervened and then he punched him too. My brother called the police and they have taken my dad away and he won't be allowed back in our flat. I was at school when this whole thing happened and I came home to find police officers in the living room.

I don't really know what to say. Thank god my brother was there. I wish I had been there so that I can beat the shit out of that fucktard.

More on this later.

Scared.

The whole affair thing my dad's having isn't turning out like how I imagined it.

My mom had already properly talked to him about divorcing and splitting the money. At first he agreed, but then he seems to be backing out. I don't even know why. Why is he clinging on to mom and refusing to go to the 'woman of his dreams'? It's not like he has anything to lose.

Today my mom openly confronted him, saying that she knew about the affair. But my dad kept denying it and called her "crazy". I was sitting at my laptop in the dining room while my mom was in the kitchen when this happened. I suddenly heard my dad making an abrupt movement from his room and I thought he was going to try to kill my mom like he did last time.

I just felt cold internally. I would never, ever, ever forgive my dad if he did something to hurt my mom physically. I even prepared a pair of scissors next to me in case he tries to do something.

I don't understand. My mom even told him that they'd continue trying to start their food business together, except that they'd be separated in terms of personal life. Isn't that a fair deal? I think my dad's just clinging on to my mom just for her money. He's always so obsessed about money, shrieking how the family's wasting his money all the time. He's been trying to be 'nice' to my mom after she brought up divorcing, like telling her to forget about the past and all that. But my mom can't forget. She can't forgive him for all the horrible things he has done, and how much he has ruined her life. Even if she did forgive and forget, the same things would just happen again.

I'm really scared that my dad might hurt my mom. He has theatened to kill her before. It wasn't even like "If you don't do this, I'll kill you" or "I want to kill you". Just "I'm going to kill you". Except that the phrase was yelled in a insane, uncontrollable manner.

I wish someone would take him away. I actually wanted to call the police last time, but I was crying far too much to be able to speak properly.

This isn't helping.

Eh. A lot of crap happened today. Lots of arguing and yelling involved. My parents basically both agreed to divorce, but my dad's hiding money in multiple bank accounts.

Earlier on, my dad pretty much blamed me for causing the divorce. He said that this wouldn't have happened or gotten worse if I didn't tell mom about how he called her a witch, etc. Idiot. The divorce was bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with now. My dad has done countless things that pissed mom off - far too many to recount them here. He just couldn't handle the responsibility so he tried to blame it on me. How pathetic. If I didn't know my dad well, I could've gotten depressed and suicidal over the accusation of causing the divorce, like how many kids turn out when their parents divorce. I read on a website that the parents should ensure their children knows that it wasn't their fault. But I guess my dad would rather push the blames onto a freakin' 15-year-old instead of handling it like an adult.

He said that I was the only one who wanted them to divorce. WHAT THE FUCK. Did he forget about everything he said before, like how he wanted to leave and couldn't continue living on like this arguing with mom? And that he shrieked at my mom to get out of the house multiple times? That he's having an affair with another woman? WELL HE DID BECAUSE HE'S THAT FUCKING STUPID. You'd think a cheater (especially a first-timer) would feel guilty about it, but no. Or maybe this isn't my dad's first time cheating. :\

I heard that since my parents got married in Taiwan, they have to go back to Taiwan to get divorced too which isn't very convenient, especially with money being so tight. Does that mean we get to go to Taiwan this summer? :D Yaaay~
...Probably not. Plane tickets are too expensive for us now. My dad said that he's going to move back to Taiwan next week. I hope that's true because that would make me and my mom's life so much easier. But he usually says something about leaving and ends up not leaving. -__-

I have two exams tomorrow. I haven't revised for one AT ALL and only skim-read a textbook for the other test. Well this is going to go great. Hope this doesn't happen for my actual exams because my exams tomorrow are just practices, sort of.

I didn't go to school today because... well I don't even know. Guess I wanted to sleep in or something.

I'm feeling really down again.

I don't like people touching me.

There are exceptions, of course - the people who don't annoy/disgust me and whom I actually like.

Today I was doing chemistry homework with a friend and we were sitting next to each other. We were both stuck on a question, and she called over my 'best friend' to come and help us. But my 'best friend' kept SHOVING her head in between us and putting her head REALLY close to mine (she has bad dandruff and acne, so I wouldn't want any contact with her otherwise I'd end up getting them). She usually hates people being physically close to her as well, so I felt as if she was doing it on purpose to separate me from the other friend. :\

Even after my 'best friend' had finished helping us on that one problem (though it turned out we didn't need her help after all), she continued sticking her head between us and wouldn't go away. She kept trying to answer the questions even though we didn't need anymore help. She was working out the answers so slowly too, so I had already written it down through my own working by the time she said it out loud. -__- Seriously, she was so freakin' close to me that I felt so uncomfortable.

My mom's cooking something in the kitchen just now and when I walked in, my dad happened to be walking in as well. I felt him staring at me so I looked up at him with a puzzled face to see if he wanted something and he was giving me this really angry look - sort of like the look you'd give someone you hated with all your heart. What the hell. And there was me feeling sorry for him. :\ Guess he's really nothing more than a dumb cheater.

Meh I can't tell whether he really did have Botox injections or not. When I looked at him properly for the first time in months, all I saw was a super deep line between his eyebrows because of his angry expression. He brought the wrinkles on himself. If he didn't keep making all those stupid angry faces, his wrinkles wouldn't look as obvious so he'd look younger and not need to get Botox, ultimately saving money while looking better at the same time. *facepalm* Isn't that a win-win situation!? But of course he throws it away because he doesn't think about consequences of his actions.

Pathetic people like these should be quarantined from people who just want to get on with their lives and be happy, otherwise they'd spread their stupidness across the whole globe and the human race would be doomed.

Meh

Ehh, the whole affair thing sort of just dawned on me. It really is such a bad thing, actually. :\ At first I thought it was really hilarious, but now I find it kind of gross. It's true that everyone would be happier once my parents divorce, but thinking about it just feels so eurgh. My mom also noticed that my dad had Botox injections done to get rid of his wrinkles. It's just kind of sad how my dad isn't who he used to be anymore (before he had those crazy fits and all that). He's doing all the things I've never expected him to do. There's nothing wrong with cosmetic surgery - I just never thought he'd do it.

My life is such a mess right now. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want even more drama with my 'best friend' and fake friends. I'd rather stay at home and study for 7 hours instead of spending it at school. I hate this.

I really want my parents to divorce as soon as possible. We'd probably be about to move houses and I might be able to get my own room. Then I could decorate it with all the things I like. It would be like a new start. :)

Short entry again. I just don't know where else to rant.

My dad's having an affair.

I swear that my life is destined to have drama.

First I rant about schoolwork, family issues, friendship problems, and now this (I guess it ties closely with family issues, but this is between my parents rather than me personally).

So yes, there you have it. I only found out this afternoon when my mom told me. I'd post more on the details but I wouldn't want my dad reading this somehow. Anyway, is this why my dad has been treating my mom so badly? Because he decided he could throw her away because he found someone else? Or because he wants a divorce but doesn't want to initiate it? I really don't know.

I'm not upset about this, actually, and neither is my mom. On the contrary, we both found it quite funny. I mean, imagine a man in his 50s and he's still able to 'get some' with a woman 20 years younger? Pretty admirable, if you ask me, but also scandalous.

It's a good thing my dad found someone else though. Like my previous entry, my mom talks to me about divorce a lot. I knew that I would choose to live with my mom because of my dad's bipolar and unpredictable personality, but this made me feel uneasy. My dad would be all alone by himself. He'd have to cope with being alone for the rest of his life.

But now that he has another woman, he can just move in with her once my parents divorce. I wouldn't have to feel guilty or worry about how he's getting along. Besides, it's not like I'd never see my dad again if they do separate. We could still talk to each other on the phone, call each other on Skype, arrange to meet, etc. It would really make not that much of a difference, apart from the fact that everyone would be happier.

Everything seems to be working out in my personal life so far. I feel like I'm a step closer to finding happiness. I just need to do well academically, get a decent job, find true friends and find someone who loves me. I don't care about being wealthy (of course, having lots of money is nice but it's not necessary) - just enough to get by would be okay. Life would be good.

My mom's thinking about a divorce.

I'm not too bothered by it, really. I think if my parents really went through with the divorce, everyone would be happier.

I haven't been blogging recently because I've had a lot of art coursework to do (I handed everything in yesterday) and because of some family issues at home. It's a long story that involves my dad yelling at me for no reason. -__-

Today, my dad told me that my mom is a witch and caused his dad's death, and made up a lot of nonsense. He even implied that one of my mom's sisters who died from cancer put a curse on him when she arranged flowers for them to celebrate their marriage. How nice. ._.

I finally had the time to edit a picture today, but I don't think it wouldn't be appropriate to post it with this entry. Kind of a short entry, but I thought I should keep my life updated here.

My dad is weird

It's been a while since I've last blogged!
(And what the heck was with the advertisements from random people in my previous post?)

I really don't have much to say, but I'm glad it's Friday. I probably won't be blogging much even after my school breaks up for Christmas because of very very important exams in January. If I don't do well, it could cost me a place at a good university and even a place in my future career. :c

~

Oh and the other day, my dad was asking me if I knew how to pour myself some water if I get thirsty and if I knew how to close the door when I go to the toilet. What the hell? The questions were so stupid that I was really tempted to swear incredulously. Where has he been for the last 11 years of my life? I'm seriously not kidding; he wasn't joking as far as I can tell. Even 3-year-olds know how to close a door. You push it. That's it. Even cats and dogs can do that.

I really think that something's wrong with my dad's mental health. My mom and my brother find him really odd as well, and we could just never understand the way he thinks. He tells me not to use the touchpad on my laptop because it would sand my fingers somehow.

My dad is also very narrow-minded. Whenever I disagree with him (that's without snapping and with reasonable explanations of what I think), he accuses me of disobeying everything he says. I only listen to things that I think are right. For example, if someone tells me to jump off a cliff, I wouldn't do it even if it was someone I respected ordering me to (who would, anyway? Unless they're suicidal). He overreacts over the most trivial, stupidest things.

Just this morning, I sneezed quietly and my dad started telling me to sneeze with my mouth open. I calmly said that I didn't want to because it hurts for me when the force of your sneeze hits the back of your throat, but he refused to even listen. Sneezing has nothing to do with your mouth anyway... I've been sneezing quietly for almost half of my life now and so far, I'm completely fine and normal. So what's wrong with sneezing the way I do? Absolutely nothing. I feel stupid just typing this, because that's how stupid this whole thing is.

Tired

After all the events in my previous blog entry, my dad's now completely normal and extra nice to me, as if nothing had happened. He didn't even apologise or talk about it. I want to ask him why he suddenly got mad, but then he would only flip out again. I seriously think he has a personality disorder or something like that.

I'm super sleepy right now, so I might make several typos or type sentences that don't make sense.

I have added lots of people in my year group from my school on Facebook but I never talk to them, neither online nor in real life. For some reason, three people talked to me this week. Weird.

I have a Latin test next Thursday, and did a mini biology test this Thursday (what's with Thursdays?). I lost two marks because I misread the question. It was something I had known too. D: My 'best friend' was bragging about how easy it was, but she didn't even get 100% and got a lower score than me. My worst subject is biology too. xD; She keeps bragging about how easy tests are, but she always gets a lower score than me whenever she does. Some people should be more humble, otherwise they make themselves look stupid when they say that something is easy but end up getting it all wrong. ><;

It's really cold~ I should go to sleep soon even though I normally sleep at 2 - 3 AM.

I'm going to label every single school subject I talk about from now on, so if people are interested in how much I fail at a subject, they can read all the posts on it with just a click. :D Plus, it would be easier for me to look back at my progress.

I actually keep a handwritten journal in real life, but I don't update it regularly. The stuff I write in it are really private and I just scribble whatever comes into my mind, including lots of swear words and grammar fails. xP I use it when I'm too upset to type a rant on my laptop, like the argument I had with my dad though I did blog about it too.

I write stuff that I regret sometimes when I re-read my journal. They sort of make me go, "Whaat! I used to think like that!?". I read an entry about my 'best friend' as well. At the time when I had written it, I didn't know what she was really like - two-faced and whatnot. She's been pretty nice lately though, which makes me feel bad for thinking of her as a bad friend. She still doesn't do stuff that a best friend should do though, like standing up for you when you're being bullied.

I think I'll just end this entry here.

Crying

I'm crying so much right now.

I regret everything I did for my dad. I'm not religious but I've often prayed to God, wishing for him to have a long life and to not condemn him because of the way he treats my mom sometimes. Even despite how unreasonable he is to me sometimes, I pray for him not to die or get an illness.

I guess it's too late. He's already gotten some kind of a mental illness long before I started praying. He's not the dad I loved anymore.

This is what happened just earlier on today:
I was just sitting at my laptop doing homework while biting on my lips, then he started yelling at me for doing it, telling me that my lips would become fat like a black person's (<--he was being racist...).
Me: My lips won't become fat from biting, but I don't really mind if it does.
Dad: Oh, so you don't care!?
Me: Not really.
Dad: Your lips will become fat and ugly when you're older! You can pay for plastic surgery yourself if that happens!!
Me: Okay.
Dad: Pathetic...

I was in a completely neutral mood at that time, even though he had hurt my feelings really badly by calling me "pathetic" and I was already close to crying then. He happened to get a phone call right afterwards so I ranted to an offline Skype friend while he conversed. It's sick how fake he's suddenly sounding when he's speaking to someone else. After he hung up, my mom came into the living room and asked what happened. My dad started telling her how I'm a bad daughter, etc etc.

I got so upset that I burst into tears, saying that I couldn't take it anymore. My mom was really shocked and asked me what happened, so I explained to her while crying. My dad just gave me this disgusted look and called me crazy.

We just argued to and fro from there. My mom tried to help by telling my dad that I would be able to stop biting my lips slowly with step-by-step encouragement like how I stopped biting my fingers, but he just refused to believe it and said that the only reason I stopped biting my fingers was thanks to him.

I told him that it was thanks to all of the people who have encouraged me to stop biting them, and that it wasn't just him alone. All I said was this sentence; no swear words, no insults, nothing. Then he just exploded. He started insulting himself, saying "OH, SO I'M AN IDIOT NOW, HUH? SO I'M A BASTARD, HUH?"

I said that I never said those, and he just carried on insulting himself and spazzing out. It just went on and on, with my dad saying that I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I should listen to everything he says because he earns the family's income. I asked him what was wrong with me earning my own money to get plastic surgery, and he was like "OH THEN GO EARN MONEY NOW THEN! BUT YOU CAN'T, HUH??? EXACTLY!!!!"

I didn't even say that I was going to get surgery with his money. He was the one who suggested for me to get surgery in the first place.

I just feel like shit right now. My dad still doesn't know that I used to cut myself in the past because of him, because he said I was a "waste of money and time". If I were a waste of money, then maybe I should just go and die. That would save him money and he can get insurance or something.

This probably sounds really scary but my hands have this weird itch, like I want to take something sharp and plunge it into my skin (I'm not going to though). I just feel like dying and rotting in the ground. I remember all the things I do for my dad. I never buy expensive clothes, complain about having no pocket money or whine to go to expensive places. That's because I don't want to trouble him or waste his money. Instead, he uses his money to buy an iPad, new mobile phones and new laptops. Sure, he earnt the money himself so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but that doesn't mean I'm his slave. That doesn't mean that I have to jump off a cliff if he orders me to.

I just feel so sad. I wish I was dead.

-

Update: Feeling a lot better now.

Updates

So about my super crappy English exam result: my English teacher told the whole class that there's something weird going on with the examiners or something, because a lot of people (like me) didn't get the grade they were expected to. At least I'm not alone. :D He said that we might be able to retake the test. I don't have my notes on the book we did anymore though, but I'm still willing to give it another try.

Thursday and Friday were pretty normal (boring). I always get really bad migraines once a week during school. I didn't get one while I was in Taiwan during the summer holiday, but they've suddenly come back again. I've been getting a bunch of homework just on the first two proper days of school. x_x I talked to my 'best friend' about the stress I'm already feeling, and she was like "Stress? How?? Why???". The way she said it was as if she has never felt stress before rather than meaning that the homework wasn't that big of a deal, so I was just like "...". I hate how she freaks out over tiny things, like me biting my nails.

I went to China Town with my parents today. A governor of Taiwan booked one floor of a restaurant to organise a one-hour long speech/debate about the trading relationship between Taiwan and China, or something; I wasn't really listening. I just went there for the free lunch. ^^; A lot of people there (and in Taiwan) mistook me for a college student. Do I really look that mature? xP

Sunday tomorrow. Tonight's the last night of being able to sleep in; at least, not for another week. Lots of art to do tomorrow too. D:

Unreasonable

Another rant, thanks to my dad.

Basically, my dad asked if I have been playing the piano lately and I said no, so he was all like "How dare you!". I just ignored him and went to do homework, and he said "Go play the piano now instead of doing homework."

I told him that I wanted to do my art homework first (I rarely do any drawings unless I'm in an artistic mood), but he said "You can go play the piano and draw later."

I probably wouldn't feel like drawing later, so I said: "I can draw first and practise later."

Then he was like "I bet you wouldn't practise after you've finished drawing."

So I said, “I bet I wouldn’t draw after I’ve finished practising.”

Then he started spazzing out for no reason, and being like “OMGGG BLAHBLAHBLAH RAGE RAGE RAGE!”

I told him that all I was doing was saying back what he said to me, and he was like “IF YOU’RE GOING TO COPY ME, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO WORK THEN.”

That’s stupid. I’m only 15. I can’t go to work and earn money until I’m 16. The only way he reacted like that was because he couldn’t think of a reply to my comebacks. He’s almost like an immature little kid.

Oh and before all of this happened, he said that it was impossible for me to go to Cambridge or Oxford university because my grades were worse than my brother’s. Excuse me? I’ve taken two GCSE exams already and got A* on both of them. I’d be fine if I keep doing what I do. He’s acting as if I got a C (I’ve even seen people who got Cs being very pleased with it).

And guess what. Once he betted £200 (around $326) that I wouldn’t pass my piano exams. At first I thought he was just encouraging me, but he told my mom that he wasn’t expecting me to pass. Then he tried to get his money back quickly by deducting my prize money just for playing games.

It’s just pathetic.

Bleh, I better go to my art stuff now.