New laptop and other life updates

My mom bought me a new laptop which arrived yesterday. I still prefer the build of Apple laptops but the software of my new one is much better. Now I can go on some websites without them glitching out and I can download games now. :D

I downloaded Rainmeter and tried to make my desktop all pretty.

The layout's pretty much just pre-made so it's kind of nooby. I only removed/added some functions. I think I have way too many clocks, lol. But I super love the background! <3

Hmm. Don't really have anything to talk about. Life's been pretty good. No complaints. ^u^ I had a bunch of projects due in last week, but a presentation I was supposed to do got postponed to Monday. Next week is the last week of school, yay!

...Though I did just say I had no complaints, I kind of wish I was prettier, haha. Just my usual insecurity problems, I guess. I dunno. I just feel like I don't look nice. My skin isn't very nice, I look tired all the time, my nose is flat and my face looks big. And I just look kinda chubby in general. :/ I want to lose some weight but I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Sigh.

I suddenly feel kinda moody/grumpy again. D: Ugh. Why am I so moodyyyy. Gonna cut this entry short before it gets too depressing.

More uncertainties.

Copied/pasted from my Tumblr. Thought I'd keep my life updated here too.

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I have so much I need to do - it’s so frustrating. .-. I’m hungry and tired and sleepy. I need to eat, take a nap, shower, do a maths paper, do stupid classics homework and go to sleep by midnight. I need to start listing out all the universities I want to apply to and put them in order with all their entry requirements, whether they require portfolios, cost per year, etc., as well as get started on my personal statement. And I need to choose a location in London and create a presentation about the architecture of that particular location.

I’m hating classics again because one of my teachers (I have two teachers for classics - one male, one female) patronised me yesterday, ugh. She told the class to discuss in pairs who Agamemnon is. My partner and I both knew that he was killed by his wife Clytemnestra and that he has a son called Orestes. The teacher then asked my partner what I had said.

Partner: He was killed by Clytemnestra.
Teacher: -super surprised face- Wooow! Anne said that?

Note: if you take classical civilisation and studied the Odyssey (or even if you’ve just watched a movie about the Trojan war), knowing that Agamemnon was killed by Clytemnestra is probably one of the most basic things you can possibly remember. If the teacher didn’t consider it as basic knowledge, then fair enough, but she specifically said my name, as if she’s only surprised because I knew that.

I’d love to get an A* by the end of this course just to see that look of surprise and utter disbelief on her face. Hell, this is the reason why I wanted to apply to Cambridge (other than how awesome the place looks and its prestigious reputation). If I happened to be offered a place there somehow, imagine the reactions of the people who thought I’m just a dumb quiet girl with no ambition or opinions of my own. I’d laugh right in their faces. Imagine how satisfying that would feel.

Not gonna apply to Cambridge anymore though since I’m pretty sure I failed physics really hard, lol. I don’t want to apply to any universities that require interviews because I’m terrible at those. It’s not even worth bothering to try. There’s one uni in London that I’m actually interested in, but they require interviews so there’s practically an almost-zero chance of me getting a place there. Plus if I’m gonna apply for a uni I most likely wouldn’t get in, I might as well go for Cambridge.

I’m wishing that I chose to study psychology instead of classics again. I might be going through a phase or something since I occasionally wish I was studying medicine, law, etc., but I think I may actually have a genuine interest in psychology, rather than the “Hey, it’d be cool to save lives”, “I’m pretty good at being unopinionated and adapting my mindset to argue for whatever cause I’m told to argue for” and “I’m pretty decent at art and maths so I’ll do architecture” attitude I’ve had. I love hearing what people think. I love learning why people think the way they do. I love thinking about how events in someone’s life may have re-shaped their personalities into who they are now.

I do like architecture based on the work experience I’ve done. Tracing cross-sectional views of buildings, rendering them on Photoshop and creating models of them on CAD were all super fun. I could spend hours and hours without a single break just perfecting every detail. The company director even said that the standard of the work I produced matched that of the full-fledged architects there. But I don’t feel… interested. I don’t feel the same fascination I feel when I read about how the human mind works.

Though I guess it’s still a good thing that I chose architecture in the end, since half the universities don’t interview architecture applicants. I don’t know about psychology, but there’d probably be a heavy emphasis on interviewing. I mean, if you want to be a psychologist, you’ve got to be able to talk to people comfortably, right?

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe psychology can just be a pastime of mine rather than a career. That doesn’t sound too bad anyway.

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On an unrelated note, I'll probably be talking about my relationship a lot here because I can't ramble about it on Tumblr since bf knows my Tumblr, lol. Still feels kind of strange referring to him as a boyfriend. I'm still not too used to the idea.

I've been feeling kind of down, actually. I haven't had a proper one-to-one Skype call with him for a few days. He's probably super busy because he's a very friend-oriented person, but even our text conversations seemed to have slowed down. Or maybe I'm not actually feeling upset. I just feel... normal. Like how I usually felt before I started liking him. Talking to him on Skype has been the highlight of my day for a few weeks and now that we haven't talked for a while, I guess the happy/giddy feeling sort of died down. I haven't smiled to myself before falling asleep the last few days. He said we'd talk today but he just texted me that he'll be going to a friend's house and won't be back until 11 PM. I have to go to sleep by midnight, so that leaves us very little time. And I have an exam on Thursday so I can't go on Skype tomorrow either. :c

Before we started dating, he said that a girlfriend would always take number one priority over his friends, haha. I'm starting to question it though. I'm not angry at him or anything - I just like feeling special and important, I guess. It's funny because the reason why I said I had so much to do today in the above post from Tumblr is because I wanted to finish everything by 9:30 PM, which is the usual time he comes home from work (internship), so I can talk to him until midnight. I skipped taking a nap so I can do my maths revision in time. I guess I'm ahead of schedule now. Hm. .-.

This is why I don't want to become too emotionally-attached to anyone. This is why I'm afraid of relationships. I want to be able to be completely fine on my own even when the person's gone. I'm doing okay so far, but I hope I don't get any more attached to him. I don't want to become one of those jealous, insecure girlfriends and start bitching at him for not talking to me enough. I need to respect his space too, and in order to do that, I need to focus on being emotionally independent and strictly set a distance.

To make new friends.

I think that will be my aim for the summer (since I still have exams at the moment). I'm mostly thinking of making new online friends since there's more opportunities online than in real life, haha. I used to have an Internet best friend but I lost her years ago. So far I haven't been able to find a new best friend whom I can confide in and talk to about anything - including all the relationship stuff. At first my bf was somewhat close to that role, but obviously I can't ramble about our relationship and stuff now that we're dating, lol. I don't know. I guess I kinda want a girl friend to gush over things with.

Just more people to talk to online in general would be nice, since now I feel like I'm only on Skype just to talk to my bf, haha. It'd be nice to be more friendship-oriented, if that makes sense. I kinda feel like we haven't been talking as much as we used to, especially compared to how we were pre-relationship since we IMed each other a lot back then. I don't really know. Hope he isn't bored of me or something, haha. Though it's true that he seems pretty into a particular video game right now. Maybe that's it?

I miss having someone whom I could talk to about anything. I can barely remember what it was like since it's been almost two years. I've been trying to meet people on TinierMe ever since, but haven't found anyone who enjoys talking to me on a regular basis. TinierMe closed down too, so I can't use that to meet new people anymore.

Aaahhhh I want new friends! *^*

I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.

Afraid of emotions.

So today is my birthday - I'm officially 17! But I'm not here to write about that, haha. Last night was probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.

Basic story is that I've been talking to a guy on Skype a lot recently and I have a lot of fun talking to him. He has asked me hypothetical questions before - whether I'd date him if he was there in the same country (he lives in the US) and he asked me out. It seems that he likes me, maybe. I didn't really give a definite answer, just "I don't know".

I spent a day or two asking myself the same question. I've been pretty restless for the last few nights. Kept thinking about him and couldn't sleep. To the point that I kept thinking about him constantly all day. And I think... I think I kinda like him too? I don't know. I don't know how this whole 'like' things work. How do you know if you like someone?

I've never felt so emotionally-drained, haha. I was confused and didn't know if I really do like him, or if I'm just nervous from anxiety. Either way, I have no idea what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. I'm scared of liking someone. I'm scared of not being able to control my feelings. I'm scared of not understanding my feelings. The night before yesterday, I tried to think about how this relationship would work, and I just saw dead ends. So I decided to try and shut out my feelings as much as I can. I'm scared of drowning in emotions.


Woke up yesterday feeling a bit less anxious because I had spent the night logically finding 'the right answer'. I spent the whole of yesterday texting him, just having fun like usual. But when I got home, I noticed that I had received a friend request from his friend. This is random, I thought. At that moment, I sort of just knew that he was serious in having a relationship with me. I instinctively knew that something was going to happen sooner or later.


I kept feeling very jittery after coming to that realisation. My hands were literally shaking when I tried to ramble to a friend and reason with myself. I still feel like the relationship would only have dead ends. The best thing to do would be to just remain as friends.


After IMing for a while, we were in a group call along with a friend of his, watching Person of Interest together. His other friend (the one who randomly added me) signed on and started talking to me about the hypothetical question. "So would you date him?", etc. I didn't want to say no but I didn't want to say yes either. And I don't know if the reason why I don't want to say yes is because I'm an egoist who thinks nothing good is going to come out of it, so I might as well just say no and end this all there and then. But I didn't want to say no. Argh, I don't even know.


I ended up not watching PoI while talking to his friend, haha. Got too distracted and was thinking too hard. His other friend in the group call left to do something, so it was just the two of us. We carried on talking as usual (btw I was IMing what I wanted to say - because I was in the living room and couldn't talk. I suck at talking anyway haha). Suddenly he asked me if I had time to stay up longer. I said I did. I noticed that there was a long pause after that, and Skype showed that he was typing something. Typing and typing.


Then he just confessed that he likes me.

He couldn't say it out loud otherwise his parents might overhear, and they're really strict with this whole dating stuff haha. This is the first time someone has ever confessed to me face-to-face (well not quite face-to-face but you know what I mean). I didn't know what to do. I was happy, but I was scared too. Do I actually like him? What's the concept behind relationships? What's the point of it? How would this work? What if I started acting like a bitchy possessive girlfriend?


We spent 3 hours straight talking about this. I pointed out some problems this relationship could have and he explained it all. But I still felt hesitant. I think I just wasn't ready. I told him this and he was okay with us just being friends, which is great. He told me to tell him if I change my mind. He was happy that we could remain as friends, I think. He was glad that I had thought about this before. He said that the last two times he confessed to a girl, they all reacted negatively. And that makes me feel pretty good being the only one who sorta reciprocates his feelings, like I'm special or something haha.


So I guess that's that. We're just gonna stay as friends, I think. Though to be honest, I'm still kind of scared because I'm attracted to people who like me, so I hope my feelings don't intensify or something. What if I eventually liked him back for sure and wanted to go through with this relationship, but he had moved on already?


He was so sweet when he was telling me all of this. He said he was really jittery so sorry if he made any typos. I could hear that he was really flustered since we were in a call. It was cute, haha. I think my heart was beating pretty fast. oh god. I still don't know how I'm feeling. I still feel kind of strange right now. As if my heart is itchy or something, I don't know. I've had this feeling before when I dreamed about falling in love. I'm scared. I don't want to be far away from someone I like. I've had dreams about this before and it hurt so much - I cried every single time. I think the biggest problem I have is still with the long distance. I imagined what it would be like if we lived close-by, and it looked like fun, haha. Or maybe I'm just creating some perfect scenario in my head in which I don't feel anxious and confused. I don't know.


So yeah. That's all that can happen for now. I feel a bit lighter after the talk, but still a bit confused. We'll just have to see how this goes.