Another tomboy phase.

Argh. I just want to get a pair of scissors and chop my hair right off. Not because it's bugging me or anything, but because I want to look like a boy.

I like wearing dresses and putting on makeup though, but I also want to look like a guy sometimes. I'm afraid that if I cut my hair really short, I'd end up regretting it and would have to wait a few years for it to grow back.

I want a male wig. D: One of those really nice K-pop styled ones. I probably wouldn't be able to get one until the next time I go to Taiwan (God knows how long), since everything in Taiwan is generally cheaper and I'd probably be able to try on a wig to see if it would suit me.

I want to be able to run my hand through my hair or flick my hair without looking like a narcissistic girl. I want to be able to laugh it off if someone calls me a "slut". I'd had a person calling me a slut before because I was apparently wearing a short skirt (that wasn't even 10 cm above my knee). Even though she was probably joking, I was pretty offended because I didn't know her well at all, so she really shouldn't be 'joking' like this. :\ But if I had been a guy in that situation, I'd probably say something like "Go suck a dick :D" and laugh instead of just walking away and letting myself be degraded that way.

Okay, I guess I could still say the same thing as a girl, but you know how girls always have to keep up with this pure, innocent image? Especially girls like me who are shy and quiet? If I say something 'mean' that is nothing compared to what other girls say, people would start spreading rumours about how vulgar I am.

I really want to be a guy. If I sounded arrogant, people would just dismiss it as being confident. As a girl, people would probably call me a "stuck-up bitch".

I know I've made an entry about this before but the urge to be a guy has suddenly come back, so I wanted to rant somewhere.

Kind of a short post today. Need to do a lot of work for French tomorrow.

Back from school.

Still not in a good mood. I was actually going to tell my 'best friend' about how my parents were going to divorce and everything that happened, but she was too busy ignoring/excluding me. Good thing that I didn't tell her though, otherwise she would've somehow ended up telling the whole class.

She was treating me like crap again today. I did a biology test that she's going to do tomorrow, and she asked me what questions came up and I told her. She had already done a physics test that I hadn't done yet, so she vaguely told me one or two things that came up. At first I thought that was all and maybe there wasn't much to say about the test anyway, but then I overheard her voluntarily blabbing the answers to someone else yet to do the test.

When I did the test later on in the day and it wasn't anything like how she described it. She said all I had to do was to do some calculations, and that they give the formulae in the test. The formulae WERE given in the test, but the teacher had already told us this long ago. The exam didn't just have calculations. It also had a lot of questions that required studying for you to be able to answer it correctly.

I can take a guess why she's acting this way - telling someone else the answers but not me. I think she's probably jealous of me, maybe, because in my last physics test I got a higher score than her. But even if that's true, I've always been getting better scores than her in almost all subjects, so I don't see why she'd treat me this way only now.

Then she wanted to go to an art museum with me because it was part of our art homework, but I don't want to go with someone like her. She's always so clingy to me when it comes to art, but then throws me away when she finds someone 'better'. :\ And I didn't like how she was treating my mom the last time we went to a gallery. I guess I'll come up with an excuse to go with JUST my mom. I'd prefer it so much more when I'm with someone I can be myself with.

I've been blogging a lot lately. Most of them were angry or depressed entries. It's hard to be happy when so much crap is happening.

Whenever something bad happens, I always feel like making some kind of a change. Like yesterday after my parents both agreed to divorce, I gave myself a haircut for the first time. Then last night I was feeling like shit from my dad blaming the divorce on me, so I changed my blog design around. I think it looks much better. :)

I have a headache right now. Gonna go take a nap or something.

This isn't helping.

Eh. A lot of crap happened today. Lots of arguing and yelling involved. My parents basically both agreed to divorce, but my dad's hiding money in multiple bank accounts.

Earlier on, my dad pretty much blamed me for causing the divorce. He said that this wouldn't have happened or gotten worse if I didn't tell mom about how he called her a witch, etc. Idiot. The divorce was bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with now. My dad has done countless things that pissed mom off - far too many to recount them here. He just couldn't handle the responsibility so he tried to blame it on me. How pathetic. If I didn't know my dad well, I could've gotten depressed and suicidal over the accusation of causing the divorce, like how many kids turn out when their parents divorce. I read on a website that the parents should ensure their children knows that it wasn't their fault. But I guess my dad would rather push the blames onto a freakin' 15-year-old instead of handling it like an adult.

He said that I was the only one who wanted them to divorce. WHAT THE FUCK. Did he forget about everything he said before, like how he wanted to leave and couldn't continue living on like this arguing with mom? And that he shrieked at my mom to get out of the house multiple times? That he's having an affair with another woman? WELL HE DID BECAUSE HE'S THAT FUCKING STUPID. You'd think a cheater (especially a first-timer) would feel guilty about it, but no. Or maybe this isn't my dad's first time cheating. :\

I heard that since my parents got married in Taiwan, they have to go back to Taiwan to get divorced too which isn't very convenient, especially with money being so tight. Does that mean we get to go to Taiwan this summer? :D Yaaay~
...Probably not. Plane tickets are too expensive for us now. My dad said that he's going to move back to Taiwan next week. I hope that's true because that would make me and my mom's life so much easier. But he usually says something about leaving and ends up not leaving. -__-

I have two exams tomorrow. I haven't revised for one AT ALL and only skim-read a textbook for the other test. Well this is going to go great. Hope this doesn't happen for my actual exams because my exams tomorrow are just practices, sort of.

I didn't go to school today because... well I don't even know. Guess I wanted to sleep in or something.

I'm feeling really down again.

I don't like people touching me.

There are exceptions, of course - the people who don't annoy/disgust me and whom I actually like.

Today I was doing chemistry homework with a friend and we were sitting next to each other. We were both stuck on a question, and she called over my 'best friend' to come and help us. But my 'best friend' kept SHOVING her head in between us and putting her head REALLY close to mine (she has bad dandruff and acne, so I wouldn't want any contact with her otherwise I'd end up getting them). She usually hates people being physically close to her as well, so I felt as if she was doing it on purpose to separate me from the other friend. :\

Even after my 'best friend' had finished helping us on that one problem (though it turned out we didn't need her help after all), she continued sticking her head between us and wouldn't go away. She kept trying to answer the questions even though we didn't need anymore help. She was working out the answers so slowly too, so I had already written it down through my own working by the time she said it out loud. -__- Seriously, she was so freakin' close to me that I felt so uncomfortable.

My mom's cooking something in the kitchen just now and when I walked in, my dad happened to be walking in as well. I felt him staring at me so I looked up at him with a puzzled face to see if he wanted something and he was giving me this really angry look - sort of like the look you'd give someone you hated with all your heart. What the hell. And there was me feeling sorry for him. :\ Guess he's really nothing more than a dumb cheater.

Meh I can't tell whether he really did have Botox injections or not. When I looked at him properly for the first time in months, all I saw was a super deep line between his eyebrows because of his angry expression. He brought the wrinkles on himself. If he didn't keep making all those stupid angry faces, his wrinkles wouldn't look as obvious so he'd look younger and not need to get Botox, ultimately saving money while looking better at the same time. *facepalm* Isn't that a win-win situation!? But of course he throws it away because he doesn't think about consequences of his actions.

Pathetic people like these should be quarantined from people who just want to get on with their lives and be happy, otherwise they'd spread their stupidness across the whole globe and the human race would be doomed.

Shitty day.

And there was I thinking that today might actually be a good day. It was okay, honestly, but then everything came crumbling down during art.

In art, we were told to outline bottles using ink with the other end of a paintbrush. Everyone else did their outline in just one colour, but I blended shades of purple and blue in the line and double-lined it with a fainter blue. Then I recreated the shiny curves of the bottle by painting in parts with light yellow ink, going darker/lighter wherever necessary.

Then when I looked up to see where everyone's up to, I saw two people copying me (they were sitting very close to me). Guess who one of those people were? My 'best friend'. Surprise. She was copying me AGAIN.

The other girl copying me is usually nice and talks to me, so I didn't mind her copying me AS much. It's sort of like a one-off, you know? But as for my 'best friend'? HASN'T SHE COPIED ME ENOUGH?

I just felt so indignant.The second part of the exercise was to dab a blotch of ink onto the paper and let the ink trickle down over the outlines. I decided to trickle the ink upwards to make mine a bit different. Then my art teacher singled me out and said, "YOU'RE TRICKLING IT THE WRONG WAY! YOU'RE DOING IT UPWARDS!"

All I did was sit there silently. I heard someone snickering in the background - not sure whether it was aimed at me. I wish I could have said "Actually, I'm doing this on purpose because a couple of uncreative losers are copying me so I want mine to look more different to theirs." But I didn't. I couldn't. After 10 seconds of silence, she said "Oh, never mind, you can trickle it upwards too."

I felt so self-conscious after that, so I started trickling it downwards even though she said upwards was okay too. It ended up ruining my painting. The teacher also told me to paint more bottles even after I had started trickling, so the outlines of the new bottles blended with the trickles and made a huge mess.

While I was walking home (since art was my last lesson), I just kept thinking about how I wanted to rip up my painting and scream out every single thing that is stopping me from being happy. The 10-minute journey home is usually a time of peace for me, because I'd imagine what life would be like if I were different and fantasize about being a guy. But I was just filled with negative thoughts today, and I also kept thinking about how my dad was having an affair - a second life that I knew nothing about. When I got home, I was almost crying.

I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing. Just a little PMS-y, maybe. I'm supposed to prepare my French speaking questions and speeches by tomorrow or something. I haven't even started yet.