I swear that during the winter holidays every year, I've been going through these phases of depression - I just feel like everything is pointless and dreary. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I can't believe I wasted a week doing nothing at all. =_= I could've done so much work on my art. Tomorrow (yes, Christmas day) is when I officially begin to start studying, according to my revision schedule. I still haven't finish my art coursework yet. Everything is due in by mid-February, to be handed in for a real GCSE grade. If I fail to do this, I will get a low grade which would result in my ambition to become an architect, my future and my life to be completely destroyed. Two months may sound like a lot of time to do a crapload of drawings, evaluations and research, but I have January completely occupied with exams.
But now that I'm typing this and thinking it all through, I think maybe I don't need to be as stressed as I'm feeling right now. I have a week of holiday right before the deadline, so maybe if I worked really hard during that time, I could hopefully finish everything.
There's seriously so much to learn for Latin though. I have to memorise up to 40 pages of translations and learn hundreds of Latin words. But I've already learnt the words throughout the year so it won't be as bad compared to the people who have been cheating on the weekly vocabulary tests. I just need to get a grip on the grammar and breeze over a couple of words I'm not too sure about.
Brainstorming all the work I need to do in a blog is pretty helpful, actually. I feel like I have a lot less to do - minus all of the learning and memorising, of course!
I better go to sleep now. It is already around 2 AM. Since I probably won't be blogging tomorrow, Merry Christmas to anyone who's reading this! c:
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Christmas Spirit
Today was the last day of school before the winter holidays. For me, Christmas is already over; my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas. Not the last couple of years, anyway. I think I've lost my Christmas spirit. In the past, I used to get really excited and just have this warm, happy feeling inside. But now, I just feel stressed and a bit dejected.
I got some presents from my friends and my Secret Santa and they were alright, I guess (I won't complain). I did give them expensive branded pens despite the fact that my family is trying to save money, so I feel a little... 'cheated'? I'm not sure if that's the right word to use. Is it normal to feel this way or am I just plain selfish?
But still, even though the presents I got wasn't as amazing as I had wished for (and someone didn't give me back a present :'c), I was very happy with the few sincere "thank you"s I got from some of my friends. A couple of Christmas cards I received also made me smile because some people dedicated the card to me personally, so instead of just a "Merry Christmas!", they drew a cute and small picture of a cat and wrote a "meow". It's nice to know that some people care about you as a person, even if they hadn't given you a present. <3
One of my classmates left today to go and study in Japan. She was the Japanese girl whom I've talked to about Japanese dramas before. She's a pretty nice person, unlike the other girls in my school who spread rumours, so I was a bit sad that she's leaving before we could potentially form a friendship. I almost cried a couple of times, but I'm glad I didn't because more people would probably badmouth me for crying (I might just be being paranoid here though).
I contributed a little message to her in a book that someone organised with a lot of photographs and other goodbye messages inside it. I wrote something along the lines of "頑張って (gambatte)", which basically means "good luck".
So yeah, that basically sums up my day. It was also my mom's birthday today. c:
I got some presents from my friends and my Secret Santa and they were alright, I guess (I won't complain). I did give them expensive branded pens despite the fact that my family is trying to save money, so I feel a little... 'cheated'? I'm not sure if that's the right word to use. Is it normal to feel this way or am I just plain selfish?
But still, even though the presents I got wasn't as amazing as I had wished for (and someone didn't give me back a present :'c), I was very happy with the few sincere "thank you"s I got from some of my friends. A couple of Christmas cards I received also made me smile because some people dedicated the card to me personally, so instead of just a "Merry Christmas!", they drew a cute and small picture of a cat and wrote a "meow". It's nice to know that some people care about you as a person, even if they hadn't given you a present. <3
One of my classmates left today to go and study in Japan. She was the Japanese girl whom I've talked to about Japanese dramas before. She's a pretty nice person, unlike the other girls in my school who spread rumours, so I was a bit sad that she's leaving before we could potentially form a friendship. I almost cried a couple of times, but I'm glad I didn't because more people would probably badmouth me for crying (I might just be being paranoid here though).
I contributed a little message to her in a book that someone organised with a lot of photographs and other goodbye messages inside it. I wrote something along the lines of "頑張って (gambatte)", which basically means "good luck".
So yeah, that basically sums up my day. It was also my mom's birthday today. c:
Friday, 2 December 2011
My dad is weird
It's been a while since I've last blogged!
(And what the heck was with the advertisements from random people in my previous post?)
I really don't have much to say, but I'm glad it's Friday. I probably won't be blogging much even after my school breaks up for Christmas because of very very important exams in January. If I don't do well, it could cost me a place at a good university and even a place in my future career. :c
~
Oh and the other day, my dad was asking me if I knew how to pour myself some water if I get thirsty and if I knew how to close the door when I go to the toilet. What the hell? The questions were so stupid that I was really tempted to swear incredulously. Where has he been for the last 11 years of my life? I'm seriously not kidding; he wasn't joking as far as I can tell. Even 3-year-olds know how to close a door. You push it. That's it. Even cats and dogs can do that.
I really think that something's wrong with my dad's mental health. My mom and my brother find him really odd as well, and we could just never understand the way he thinks. He tells me not to use the touchpad on my laptop because it would sand my fingers somehow.
My dad is also very narrow-minded. Whenever I disagree with him (that's without snapping and with reasonable explanations of what I think), he accuses me of disobeying everything he says. I only listen to things that I think are right. For example, if someone tells me to jump off a cliff, I wouldn't do it even if it was someone I respected ordering me to (who would, anyway? Unless they're suicidal). He overreacts over the most trivial, stupidest things.
Just this morning, I sneezed quietly and my dad started telling me to sneeze with my mouth open. I calmly said that I didn't want to because it hurts for me when the force of your sneeze hits the back of your throat, but he refused to even listen. Sneezing has nothing to do with your mouth anyway... I've been sneezing quietly for almost half of my life now and so far, I'm completely fine and normal. So what's wrong with sneezing the way I do? Absolutely nothing. I feel stupid just typing this, because that's how stupid this whole thing is.
(And what the heck was with the advertisements from random people in my previous post?)
I really don't have much to say, but I'm glad it's Friday. I probably won't be blogging much even after my school breaks up for Christmas because of very very important exams in January. If I don't do well, it could cost me a place at a good university and even a place in my future career. :c
~
Oh and the other day, my dad was asking me if I knew how to pour myself some water if I get thirsty and if I knew how to close the door when I go to the toilet. What the hell? The questions were so stupid that I was really tempted to swear incredulously. Where has he been for the last 11 years of my life? I'm seriously not kidding; he wasn't joking as far as I can tell. Even 3-year-olds know how to close a door. You push it. That's it. Even cats and dogs can do that.
I really think that something's wrong with my dad's mental health. My mom and my brother find him really odd as well, and we could just never understand the way he thinks. He tells me not to use the touchpad on my laptop because it would sand my fingers somehow.
My dad is also very narrow-minded. Whenever I disagree with him (that's without snapping and with reasonable explanations of what I think), he accuses me of disobeying everything he says. I only listen to things that I think are right. For example, if someone tells me to jump off a cliff, I wouldn't do it even if it was someone I respected ordering me to (who would, anyway? Unless they're suicidal). He overreacts over the most trivial, stupidest things.
Just this morning, I sneezed quietly and my dad started telling me to sneeze with my mouth open. I calmly said that I didn't want to because it hurts for me when the force of your sneeze hits the back of your throat, but he refused to even listen. Sneezing has nothing to do with your mouth anyway... I've been sneezing quietly for almost half of my life now and so far, I'm completely fine and normal. So what's wrong with sneezing the way I do? Absolutely nothing. I feel stupid just typing this, because that's how stupid this whole thing is.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
School updates, and a male me? :D
My self-portrait is finished, but it looks pretty mediocre compared to some other people's. For some reason, I'm getting the feeling that some people are copying me...? I'm painting a photograph of myself making a surprised expression with widened eyes in black and white, and I saw two other people also painting in black and white and their photo was also a surprised face with widened eyes. One of them even painted an eye-shadow-like wing going upwards that was exactly like in my painting's.
I know that 'surprised' isn't an original expression, but did they just have to use the same colour palette as mine? When I look at the self-portraits from last year's art students, only one of them was black and white so I thought that my canvas would stand out more if I did that too. Guess not.
...Or maybe I'm just being too paranoid. :x I had to hand in my artbook yesterday and I haven't finished all of the research and paintings I'm supposed to do. I'm probably going to get a C for it. My fault for not being organised. D:
I should probably blog about something more interesting, but nothing much has happened lately.
I did make a new friend though! :D We started bonding much more after finding out that we both play on the same website - TinierMe. I really like talking to her; I feel like I can be myself and say whatever I want to.
I have another friend on Skype and while it makes me smile to be around her, I feel a bit restricted somehow - as if I have to keep up to certain expectations. I'm not sure why I feel this way.
-
Anyway! On a side note, I photoshopped a picture of myself into a guy a few months ago. :D I've only decided to upload the photo here now because I think my blog would look better with more pictures.
And yes, I know that the picture's tiny; it would look really fake if I made it any bigger. xD The hair is done by tying my own hair up into a ponytail and edited out on Photoshop, and then I drew the rest. (<-- I think the sentence structure here is an epic fail, but I'm not sure how to reword it to make it sound better. *noob*)
The photo is actually from back when I used to edit my pictures like crazy soejr;poweijr, so that's why the eyes look a bit strange (but my pose was so guy-ish here that I just had to choose this one).
All in all, I think I could pass as a girly guy. = w = b
I know that 'surprised' isn't an original expression, but did they just have to use the same colour palette as mine? When I look at the self-portraits from last year's art students, only one of them was black and white so I thought that my canvas would stand out more if I did that too. Guess not.
...Or maybe I'm just being too paranoid. :x I had to hand in my artbook yesterday and I haven't finished all of the research and paintings I'm supposed to do. I'm probably going to get a C for it. My fault for not being organised. D:
I should probably blog about something more interesting, but nothing much has happened lately.
I did make a new friend though! :D We started bonding much more after finding out that we both play on the same website - TinierMe. I really like talking to her; I feel like I can be myself and say whatever I want to.
I have another friend on Skype and while it makes me smile to be around her, I feel a bit restricted somehow - as if I have to keep up to certain expectations. I'm not sure why I feel this way.
-
Anyway! On a side note, I photoshopped a picture of myself into a guy a few months ago. :D I've only decided to upload the photo here now because I think my blog would look better with more pictures.
The photo is actually from back when I used to edit my pictures like crazy soejr;poweijr, so that's why the eyes look a bit strange (but my pose was so guy-ish here that I just had to choose this one).
All in all, I think I could pass as a girly guy. = w = b
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Back in School
So half-term holiday has ended, and I'm now back in school. Not much happened, really, but I feel like blogging.
I broke the skin of my lips yesterday so it hurts to smile. D: I can just imagine the cut on my lips being ripped and stretched apart even more. *cringe*
In art, we're painting self-portraits of ourselves on canvases. It's really fun! I think I'm doing a decent job with my painting so far, and lots of people said that it was amazing. It makes me happy~! ≧ω≦ I'm ahead of everyone so far because a lot of them took a looong time doing the gridding since we were scaling up photographs of ourselves onto a large canvas. A lot of people's drawings turned out to look disproportional and off.
My secret to painting is that I don't follow grids and draw what I see instead. I believe in looking at a whole picture instead of tiny little details. As long as the whole thing looks right, it doesn't matter if your hand is drawn higher than it should be, etc. I always make my paintbrushes rather dry in order to blend the colours well by sweeping it back and forth really quickly - like applying powder onto your face. This is only suitable for painting a large area though. /end artistic rambling
Anyway, I'll see if I can upload a photo of my painting when I've finished it. c:
I also got the results of my Latin test back today and I got 92.5%, which is alright, I guess.
I'm going to rub garlic juice on my face later to get rid of an acne outbreak I have (stupid exams and essays!). It works pretty well! Even though it burns a bit when you put it on, it's tolerable - especially when you know you're improving your looks. Seriously, clear skin makes a huge difference to your appearance.
I was going to write about something more interesting, but I can't remember. Oh well, guess I'll just end here.
I broke the skin of my lips yesterday so it hurts to smile. D: I can just imagine the cut on my lips being ripped and stretched apart even more. *cringe*
In art, we're painting self-portraits of ourselves on canvases. It's really fun! I think I'm doing a decent job with my painting so far, and lots of people said that it was amazing. It makes me happy~! ≧ω≦ I'm ahead of everyone so far because a lot of them took a looong time doing the gridding since we were scaling up photographs of ourselves onto a large canvas. A lot of people's drawings turned out to look disproportional and off.
My secret to painting is that I don't follow grids and draw what I see instead. I believe in looking at a whole picture instead of tiny little details. As long as the whole thing looks right, it doesn't matter if your hand is drawn higher than it should be, etc. I always make my paintbrushes rather dry in order to blend the colours well by sweeping it back and forth really quickly - like applying powder onto your face. This is only suitable for painting a large area though. /end artistic rambling
Anyway, I'll see if I can upload a photo of my painting when I've finished it. c:
I also got the results of my Latin test back today and I got 92.5%, which is alright, I guess.
I'm going to rub garlic juice on my face later to get rid of an acne outbreak I have (stupid exams and essays!). It works pretty well! Even though it burns a bit when you put it on, it's tolerable - especially when you know you're improving your looks. Seriously, clear skin makes a huge difference to your appearance.
I was going to write about something more interesting, but I can't remember. Oh well, guess I'll just end here.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Half-Term Holiday
I'm on half-term holiday - this means no school for a week! Yay! :D So here's an update of everything that happened in the last week of school:
For some reason, three girls gave me dirty looks. I have no idea why. D: I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything, nor do I even know them. All I literally did was walk past them in the corridors. Then while I was organising the books in my locker, someone walked past me and whacked my head with her bag. There was something hard in it too, like a plastic box or something. She turned around to look at me, knowing that her bag hit me, but she didn't apologise. I swear a lot of people in my school hate me for some reason. Maybe someone's been spreading rumours. Again. *sigh*
My 'best friend's iMedia project wasn't working this week and I secretly laughed at her. > >; That probably sounded mean, but it serves her right for stealing my programming idea. A teacher fixed it for her though. Oh well.
I can't wait for college. I want to start a new life with new real friends. I want to become stronger so that when people indirectly bully me, I can actually fight back instead of having them treat me like a piece of crap. But college students wouldn't do immature things like spreading rumours anyway, right?
I went to Chinatown today. No pictures though; I don't usually take a camera with me. I didn't really do anything there either and just brought food and ate. I somehow smudged my makeup at some point during the day, so I didn't realise that I had panda eyes till I got home. D:
...Bleh, boring.
I have some homework to do so I'm just going to list them out here.
I want more blog readers and more blogs to follow~ ;-;
For some reason, three girls gave me dirty looks. I have no idea why. D: I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything, nor do I even know them. All I literally did was walk past them in the corridors. Then while I was organising the books in my locker, someone walked past me and whacked my head with her bag. There was something hard in it too, like a plastic box or something. She turned around to look at me, knowing that her bag hit me, but she didn't apologise. I swear a lot of people in my school hate me for some reason. Maybe someone's been spreading rumours. Again. *sigh*
My 'best friend's iMedia project wasn't working this week and I secretly laughed at her. > >; That probably sounded mean, but it serves her right for stealing my programming idea. A teacher fixed it for her though. Oh well.
I can't wait for college. I want to start a new life with new real friends. I want to become stronger so that when people indirectly bully me, I can actually fight back instead of having them treat me like a piece of crap. But college students wouldn't do immature things like spreading rumours anyway, right?
I went to Chinatown today. No pictures though; I don't usually take a camera with me. I didn't really do anything there either and just brought food and ate. I somehow smudged my makeup at some point during the day, so I didn't realise that I had panda eyes till I got home. D:
...Bleh, boring.
I have some homework to do so I'm just going to list them out here.
- Write 3 essays.
- Write answer to French writing test.
- Catch up on art stuff.
I want more blog readers and more blogs to follow~ ;-;
Friday, 14 October 2011
Tired
After all the events in my previous blog entry, my dad's now completely normal and extra nice to me, as if nothing had happened. He didn't even apologise or talk about it. I want to ask him why he suddenly got mad, but then he would only flip out again. I seriously think he has a personality disorder or something like that.
I'm super sleepy right now, so I might make several typos or type sentences that don't make sense.
I have added lots of people in my year group from my school on Facebook but I never talk to them, neither online nor in real life. For some reason, three people talked to me this week. Weird.
I have a Latin test next Thursday, and did a mini biology test this Thursday (what's with Thursdays?). I lost two marks because I misread the question. It was something I had known too. D: My 'best friend' was bragging about how easy it was, but she didn't even get 100% and got a lower score than me. My worst subject is biology too. xD; She keeps bragging about how easy tests are, but she always gets a lower score than me whenever she does. Some people should be more humble, otherwise they make themselves look stupid when they say that something is easy but end up getting it all wrong. ><;
It's really cold~ I should go to sleep soon even though I normally sleep at 2 - 3 AM.
I'm going to label every single school subject I talk about from now on, so if people are interested in how much I fail at a subject, they can read all the posts on it with just a click. :D Plus, it would be easier for me to look back at my progress.
I actually keep a handwritten journal in real life, but I don't update it regularly. The stuff I write in it are really private and I just scribble whatever comes into my mind, including lots of swear words and grammar fails. xP I use it when I'm too upset to type a rant on my laptop, like the argument I had with my dad though I did blog about it too.
I write stuff that I regret sometimes when I re-read my journal. They sort of make me go, "Whaat! I used to think like that!?". I read an entry about my 'best friend' as well. At the time when I had written it, I didn't know what she was really like - two-faced and whatnot. She's been pretty nice lately though, which makes me feel bad for thinking of her as a bad friend. She still doesn't do stuff that a best friend should do though, like standing up for you when you're being bullied.
I think I'll just end this entry here.
I'm super sleepy right now, so I might make several typos or type sentences that don't make sense.
I have added lots of people in my year group from my school on Facebook but I never talk to them, neither online nor in real life. For some reason, three people talked to me this week. Weird.
I have a Latin test next Thursday, and did a mini biology test this Thursday (what's with Thursdays?). I lost two marks because I misread the question. It was something I had known too. D: My 'best friend' was bragging about how easy it was, but she didn't even get 100% and got a lower score than me. My worst subject is biology too. xD; She keeps bragging about how easy tests are, but she always gets a lower score than me whenever she does. Some people should be more humble, otherwise they make themselves look stupid when they say that something is easy but end up getting it all wrong. ><;
It's really cold~ I should go to sleep soon even though I normally sleep at 2 - 3 AM.
I'm going to label every single school subject I talk about from now on, so if people are interested in how much I fail at a subject, they can read all the posts on it with just a click. :D Plus, it would be easier for me to look back at my progress.
I actually keep a handwritten journal in real life, but I don't update it regularly. The stuff I write in it are really private and I just scribble whatever comes into my mind, including lots of swear words and grammar fails. xP I use it when I'm too upset to type a rant on my laptop, like the argument I had with my dad though I did blog about it too.
I write stuff that I regret sometimes when I re-read my journal. They sort of make me go, "Whaat! I used to think like that!?". I read an entry about my 'best friend' as well. At the time when I had written it, I didn't know what she was really like - two-faced and whatnot. She's been pretty nice lately though, which makes me feel bad for thinking of her as a bad friend. She still doesn't do stuff that a best friend should do though, like standing up for you when you're being bullied.
I think I'll just end this entry here.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Crying
I'm crying so much right now.
I regret everything I did for my dad. I'm not religious but I've often prayed to God, wishing for him to have a long life and to not condemn him because of the way he treats my mom sometimes. Even despite how unreasonable he is to me sometimes, I pray for him not to die or get an illness.
I guess it's too late. He's already gotten some kind of a mental illness long before I started praying. He's not the dad I loved anymore.
This is what happened just earlier on today:
I was just sitting at my laptop doing homework while biting on my lips, then he started yelling at me for doing it, telling me that my lips would become fat like a black person's (<--he was being racist...).
Me: My lips won't become fat from biting, but I don't really mind if it does.
Dad: Oh, so you don't care!?
Me: Not really.
Dad: Your lips will become fat and ugly when you're older! You can pay for plastic surgery yourself if that happens!!
Me: Okay.
Dad: Pathetic...
I was in a completely neutral mood at that time, even though he had hurt my feelings really badly by calling me "pathetic" and I was already close to crying then. He happened to get a phone call right afterwards so I ranted to an offline Skype friend while he conversed. It's sick how fake he's suddenly sounding when he's speaking to someone else. After he hung up, my mom came into the living room and asked what happened. My dad started telling her how I'm a bad daughter, etc etc.
I got so upset that I burst into tears, saying that I couldn't take it anymore. My mom was really shocked and asked me what happened, so I explained to her while crying. My dad just gave me this disgusted look and called me crazy.
We just argued to and fro from there. My mom tried to help by telling my dad that I would be able to stop biting my lips slowly with step-by-step encouragement like how I stopped biting my fingers, but he just refused to believe it and said that the only reason I stopped biting my fingers was thanks to him.
I told him that it was thanks to all of the people who have encouraged me to stop biting them, and that it wasn't just him alone. All I said was this sentence; no swear words, no insults, nothing. Then he just exploded. He started insulting himself, saying "OH, SO I'M AN IDIOT NOW, HUH? SO I'M A BASTARD, HUH?"
I said that I never said those, and he just carried on insulting himself and spazzing out. It just went on and on, with my dad saying that I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I should listen to everything he says because he earns the family's income. I asked him what was wrong with me earning my own money to get plastic surgery, and he was like "OH THEN GO EARN MONEY NOW THEN! BUT YOU CAN'T, HUH??? EXACTLY!!!!"
I didn't even say that I was going to get surgery with his money. He was the one who suggested for me to get surgery in the first place.
I just feel like shit right now. My dad still doesn't know that I used to cut myself in the past because of him, because he said I was a "waste of money and time". If I were a waste of money, then maybe I should just go and die. That would save him money and he can get insurance or something.
This probably sounds really scary but my hands have this weird itch, like I want to take something sharp and plunge it into my skin (I'm not going to though). I just feel like dying and rotting in the ground. I remember all the things I do for my dad. I never buy expensive clothes, complain about having no pocket money or whine to go to expensive places. That's because I don't want to trouble him or waste his money. Instead, he uses his money to buy an iPad, new mobile phones and new laptops. Sure, he earnt the money himself so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but that doesn't mean I'm his slave. That doesn't mean that I have to jump off a cliff if he orders me to.
I just feel so sad. I wish I was dead.
-
Update: Feeling a lot better now.
I regret everything I did for my dad. I'm not religious but I've often prayed to God, wishing for him to have a long life and to not condemn him because of the way he treats my mom sometimes. Even despite how unreasonable he is to me sometimes, I pray for him not to die or get an illness.
I guess it's too late. He's already gotten some kind of a mental illness long before I started praying. He's not the dad I loved anymore.
This is what happened just earlier on today:
I was just sitting at my laptop doing homework while biting on my lips, then he started yelling at me for doing it, telling me that my lips would become fat like a black person's (<--he was being racist...).
Me: My lips won't become fat from biting, but I don't really mind if it does.
Dad: Oh, so you don't care!?
Me: Not really.
Dad: Your lips will become fat and ugly when you're older! You can pay for plastic surgery yourself if that happens!!
Me: Okay.
Dad: Pathetic...
I was in a completely neutral mood at that time, even though he had hurt my feelings really badly by calling me "pathetic" and I was already close to crying then. He happened to get a phone call right afterwards so I ranted to an offline Skype friend while he conversed. It's sick how fake he's suddenly sounding when he's speaking to someone else. After he hung up, my mom came into the living room and asked what happened. My dad started telling her how I'm a bad daughter, etc etc.
I got so upset that I burst into tears, saying that I couldn't take it anymore. My mom was really shocked and asked me what happened, so I explained to her while crying. My dad just gave me this disgusted look and called me crazy.
We just argued to and fro from there. My mom tried to help by telling my dad that I would be able to stop biting my lips slowly with step-by-step encouragement like how I stopped biting my fingers, but he just refused to believe it and said that the only reason I stopped biting my fingers was thanks to him.
I told him that it was thanks to all of the people who have encouraged me to stop biting them, and that it wasn't just him alone. All I said was this sentence; no swear words, no insults, nothing. Then he just exploded. He started insulting himself, saying "OH, SO I'M AN IDIOT NOW, HUH? SO I'M A BASTARD, HUH?"
I said that I never said those, and he just carried on insulting himself and spazzing out. It just went on and on, with my dad saying that I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I should listen to everything he says because he earns the family's income. I asked him what was wrong with me earning my own money to get plastic surgery, and he was like "OH THEN GO EARN MONEY NOW THEN! BUT YOU CAN'T, HUH??? EXACTLY!!!!"
I didn't even say that I was going to get surgery with his money. He was the one who suggested for me to get surgery in the first place.
I just feel like shit right now. My dad still doesn't know that I used to cut myself in the past because of him, because he said I was a "waste of money and time". If I were a waste of money, then maybe I should just go and die. That would save him money and he can get insurance or something.
This probably sounds really scary but my hands have this weird itch, like I want to take something sharp and plunge it into my skin (I'm not going to though). I just feel like dying and rotting in the ground. I remember all the things I do for my dad. I never buy expensive clothes, complain about having no pocket money or whine to go to expensive places. That's because I don't want to trouble him or waste his money. Instead, he uses his money to buy an iPad, new mobile phones and new laptops. Sure, he earnt the money himself so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but that doesn't mean I'm his slave. That doesn't mean that I have to jump off a cliff if he orders me to.
I just feel so sad. I wish I was dead.
-
Update: Feeling a lot better now.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
School Updates
Another update on my latest week at school. :D
A thief (most likely the same one) stole my money again yesterday. Why me? ;-; They did it while I was in the exact same lesson at the same time period. Like I said in the blog entry before my previous one, we put our bags outside the classroom in shelves during DT class. When my money was stolen the first time, I had put my bag in the middle row, so I thought that maybe the thief happened to see mine first and decided to steal from me. But this time, I placed my bag in the top row so this means the thief is probably the same person and has some sort of a grudge against me. D: I don't think I've hurt anybody before though...
I'm super mad at the stupid thief. I want to arrange some kind of a trap to catch her somehow. Maybe I could attach a bucket of food colouring to the end of my bag and then place it on the top shelf, so when the thief pulls out my bag, the bucket will come toppling over her head. Then all I have to do to find her is to look for someone with food colouring all over them, har har. I'd have to sacrifice my bag though, and it's a really nice bag with a pretty ribbon on it. Don't want to~ ;-;
Maybe I'll just provoke the thief instead, if she decides to steal from me the third time. I'm going to print pictures of money and put them inside my purse, and write "HAHA, DUMBASS" on it. xD Someone should invent a heat-sensitive phone so that when someone touches it, a loud alarm will sound off. Then they should have a remote control to go with it, like a car, so that the owner can turn the alarm mode on and off. I'd be willing to pay a lot for something like that!
-
Moving on to another topic:
My 'best friend' randomly accuses me of being racist during my art lesson. I have no idea why. We were painting our self-portraits and she said that she couldn't mix her own skin colour (she's South Asian) on the palette. I thought it was really difficult or something, so I tried mixing it and it turned out exactly like her skin colour.
She said, "I don't want to be that dark!"
She had no issue (nor did anyone else) with herself being dark-skinned before, so I was a bit confused and said, "Then add white paint to make it lighter?"
Then she replied sort of quietly, "That's racist..."
I asked her what was so racist about adding white paint, and she didn't even say anything (I'm sure she heard me because I repeated my question several times). If anything, she's the one being racist because she's accusing me just because I'm not the same race as her. A person wouldn't normally accuse someone from their own race of being racist to them, so it's clear that she's differentiating her skin colour from mine.
Speaking of which, aren't the people who say "You're racist!" the real racist ones? For example, let's say Person 1 is from one race, and Person 2 is from another. If Person 1 punches Person 2, and Person 2 says "Person 1 is racist because he punched me just because I'm (Person 2's race)!"
I would think that Person 2 is being racist, because he's the one who's separating his race from Person 1's. It's like saying "You're (Person 1's race), so that means you must be punching me just because I'm (Person 2's race). You're (Person 1's race), so you're racist."
I'm not sure if what I typed made sense, but I'll just leave it there.
I can't wait to move on to college where I can start a whole new life with new people. :c Hopefully, I'll get into a good one with lots of mature students that I can have proper conversations with. Sometimes I just feel really out of place in my school (at least, in my class).
A thief (most likely the same one) stole my money again yesterday. Why me? ;-; They did it while I was in the exact same lesson at the same time period. Like I said in the blog entry before my previous one, we put our bags outside the classroom in shelves during DT class. When my money was stolen the first time, I had put my bag in the middle row, so I thought that maybe the thief happened to see mine first and decided to steal from me. But this time, I placed my bag in the top row so this means the thief is probably the same person and has some sort of a grudge against me. D: I don't think I've hurt anybody before though...
I'm super mad at the stupid thief. I want to arrange some kind of a trap to catch her somehow. Maybe I could attach a bucket of food colouring to the end of my bag and then place it on the top shelf, so when the thief pulls out my bag, the bucket will come toppling over her head. Then all I have to do to find her is to look for someone with food colouring all over them, har har. I'd have to sacrifice my bag though, and it's a really nice bag with a pretty ribbon on it. Don't want to~ ;-;
Maybe I'll just provoke the thief instead, if she decides to steal from me the third time. I'm going to print pictures of money and put them inside my purse, and write "HAHA, DUMBASS" on it. xD Someone should invent a heat-sensitive phone so that when someone touches it, a loud alarm will sound off. Then they should have a remote control to go with it, like a car, so that the owner can turn the alarm mode on and off. I'd be willing to pay a lot for something like that!
-
Moving on to another topic:
My 'best friend' randomly accuses me of being racist during my art lesson. I have no idea why. We were painting our self-portraits and she said that she couldn't mix her own skin colour (she's South Asian) on the palette. I thought it was really difficult or something, so I tried mixing it and it turned out exactly like her skin colour.
She said, "I don't want to be that dark!"
She had no issue (nor did anyone else) with herself being dark-skinned before, so I was a bit confused and said, "Then add white paint to make it lighter?"
Then she replied sort of quietly, "That's racist..."
I asked her what was so racist about adding white paint, and she didn't even say anything (I'm sure she heard me because I repeated my question several times). If anything, she's the one being racist because she's accusing me just because I'm not the same race as her. A person wouldn't normally accuse someone from their own race of being racist to them, so it's clear that she's differentiating her skin colour from mine.
Speaking of which, aren't the people who say "You're racist!" the real racist ones? For example, let's say Person 1 is from one race, and Person 2 is from another. If Person 1 punches Person 2, and Person 2 says "Person 1 is racist because he punched me just because I'm (Person 2's race)!"
I would think that Person 2 is being racist, because he's the one who's separating his race from Person 1's. It's like saying "You're (Person 1's race), so that means you must be punching me just because I'm (Person 2's race). You're (Person 1's race), so you're racist."
I'm not sure if what I typed made sense, but I'll just leave it there.
I can't wait to move on to college where I can start a whole new life with new people. :c Hopefully, I'll get into a good one with lots of mature students that I can have proper conversations with. Sometimes I just feel really out of place in my school (at least, in my class).
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Ramble, Ramble
As you can tell from my new profile picture on Blogspot, I've adopted a new style~! :D It looks really different from my older photos, although I never actually had a full fringe (fringe extension!). Also, I've decided to stop editing on eyelashes since they look fake and bleh. ;;
Nothing much happened lately. I read some of my previous blog entries and they were full of typos and grammar fails. I don't want to correct them though, unless they're really obvious mistakes.
I want to take psychology in 12th grade. I'm interested in learning how the human mind words and what makes people the way they are. But the psychology teacher in my school said that you have to be good at English and geography or history. I don't excel in any of those subjects. D: The only subjects I think I'm good at are maths and art (though I fail at annotating and talking about paintings).
On a slightly random note, I don't believe in getting 100%s in creative or writing subjects like English, art, DT, etc. Doesn't 100% practically mean perfection? Is it possible to write or draw something completely perfectly, without a single flaw? I don't think so. I've gotten 100%s before in my art exams, but I still find it weird. That's why I like maths exams more (as long as the questions are fairly easy, hehe), where the answers are always clear and definite.
I guess I'm just rambling on here. I have nothing to do. x-x
I missed my ex-friend Bubble the other day. We had a lot of memories together and I always tell her everything that happens in my life, like family arguments, anime, school, etc. I started to wonder if I misunderstood her and overreacted, making a big deal out of nothing. Then I realised that if she really cared, she would have sent me a message to ask me where I've been since I just disappeared without a word. It makes me feel sad that she's willing to throw away everything we had before. I would have been willing to come back and forget about everything if she had sent a message. I guess some people just don't know how to appreciate things, even after they've lost it. I guess this is what two-years of friendship was worth. ;-;
I want to take psychology in 12th grade. I'm interested in learning how the human mind words and what makes people the way they are. But the psychology teacher in my school said that you have to be good at English and geography or history. I don't excel in any of those subjects. D: The only subjects I think I'm good at are maths and art (though I fail at annotating and talking about paintings).
On a slightly random note, I don't believe in getting 100%s in creative or writing subjects like English, art, DT, etc. Doesn't 100% practically mean perfection? Is it possible to write or draw something completely perfectly, without a single flaw? I don't think so. I've gotten 100%s before in my art exams, but I still find it weird. That's why I like maths exams more (as long as the questions are fairly easy, hehe), where the answers are always clear and definite.
I guess I'm just rambling on here. I have nothing to do. x-x
I missed my ex-friend Bubble the other day. We had a lot of memories together and I always tell her everything that happens in my life, like family arguments, anime, school, etc. I started to wonder if I misunderstood her and overreacted, making a big deal out of nothing. Then I realised that if she really cared, she would have sent me a message to ask me where I've been since I just disappeared without a word. It makes me feel sad that she's willing to throw away everything we had before. I would have been willing to come back and forget about everything if she had sent a message. I guess some people just don't know how to appreciate things, even after they've lost it. I guess this is what two-years of friendship was worth. ;-;
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Stolen
A few days ago, I found out that my 'best friend' stole an idea I had for my iMedia project. In iMedia, you basically focus on graphic designs and learn about copyrights, or something like that. Our current project was to design a furniture website. I programmed mine so that when you click on the image of a furniture, a small window pops up with more details on the furniture and everything in the background fades into a darker colour. The programming of that feature was pretty easy, but it was just long and time-consuming to do.
When I was finished with the programming, I was really excited because it made my website look professional, so I showed it to my 'best friend'. Ironically, despite having just learnt about copyright issues, she decided to steal my idea and pass it off as her own. I was really annoyed when I found out. She could have at least asked me if she could do something based on my idea, like what another one of my friends did when we were making clay sculptures. She's stolen my ideas before in then past and gotten credit for it, but iMedia is a professional course that even adults take when they're becoming a graphic designer. Our projects would be sent off to the examiners when we've finished everything. Copying my ideas for a small thing like school homework is one thing, but copying my ideas for an examination is completely different.
I couldn't even say anything to my 'best friend'. If I did, she would have told another girl in my class who spreads rumours all the time, and twist the story to make it look like I'm the one who's wrong.
That's not only the thing that was stolen from me this week. During my Design & Technology classes, we always put our bags in open shelves outside the room. Some idiot decided to steal money from my bag. There aren't any security cameras in my school, so there's no way of catching the thief. Whoever stole it must have been a pathetic girl who wanted money to buy a ton of makeup to cover up her ugly face. *insult insult insult* But seriously, why me? There's up to twenty other bags in that shelf. Why did the thief only steal my money and not anyone else's?
The thief left my bag open, so I immediately knew that someone went through my bag. I'm slightly OCD, so I always zip up my bag properly. As soon as I found some of my money missing (not sure exactly how much though), I got mad and said "Some bitch stole my money. D:<". The people who heard me were like "OMG! Did you just swear? O_O" because I never, ever, ever swear in real life. It was kind of funny. xD
While I was walking to my next lesson, a girl asked me how much was stolen from me, so I said "I'm not sure, but it could have been up to £20." Then my 'best friend' started ordering me around, saying things like "Don't say you have £20 in your bag, or people will think you're weird. Don't start cursing in the middle of... *mumblemumble*" (Couldn't hear what she said at the end because she speaks really quietly and mumbles, yet she gets mad at me for speaking too quietly. "omggg i cant hear wut ur seying!!!!111!!" You'd think she'd be able to understand.)
I just told her that I didn't care. >>;; How is it weird to have £20 anyway? Too much money? Is it weird to have a lot of money? Oh wait, does that mean Bill Gates is the biggest weirdo in the world? -_-
So yeah, quite a lot of un-normal stuff happened this week. D: I can't wait for sixth form (12th grade). My school sorts out the students with bad grades from the ones with good grades and practically kicks them out. xD This might sound mean, but I hope my 'best friend' drops out. She really just treats me like crap sometimes. It's okay to still be friends with her, but she's not someone to be a close friend with. She starts thinking of you as her property and thinks she can mistreat you, because she gets the idea that you can't find another friend as a replacement. Sadly, that's exactly how I am. I don't know anyone else in the class I can trust and become friends with.
Oh and my school gets new people from other schools to join sixth form,so maybe I can befriend some of them! I did see a mean girl from my primary school though. I hope she doesn't get in. D:
When I was finished with the programming, I was really excited because it made my website look professional, so I showed it to my 'best friend'. Ironically, despite having just learnt about copyright issues, she decided to steal my idea and pass it off as her own. I was really annoyed when I found out. She could have at least asked me if she could do something based on my idea, like what another one of my friends did when we were making clay sculptures. She's stolen my ideas before in then past and gotten credit for it, but iMedia is a professional course that even adults take when they're becoming a graphic designer. Our projects would be sent off to the examiners when we've finished everything. Copying my ideas for a small thing like school homework is one thing, but copying my ideas for an examination is completely different.
I couldn't even say anything to my 'best friend'. If I did, she would have told another girl in my class who spreads rumours all the time, and twist the story to make it look like I'm the one who's wrong.
That's not only the thing that was stolen from me this week. During my Design & Technology classes, we always put our bags in open shelves outside the room. Some idiot decided to steal money from my bag. There aren't any security cameras in my school, so there's no way of catching the thief. Whoever stole it must have been a pathetic girl who wanted money to buy a ton of makeup to cover up her ugly face. *insult insult insult* But seriously, why me? There's up to twenty other bags in that shelf. Why did the thief only steal my money and not anyone else's?
The thief left my bag open, so I immediately knew that someone went through my bag. I'm slightly OCD, so I always zip up my bag properly. As soon as I found some of my money missing (not sure exactly how much though), I got mad and said "Some bitch stole my money. D:<". The people who heard me were like "OMG! Did you just swear? O_O" because I never, ever, ever swear in real life. It was kind of funny. xD
While I was walking to my next lesson, a girl asked me how much was stolen from me, so I said "I'm not sure, but it could have been up to £20." Then my 'best friend' started ordering me around, saying things like "Don't say you have £20 in your bag, or people will think you're weird. Don't start cursing in the middle of... *mumblemumble*" (Couldn't hear what she said at the end because she speaks really quietly and mumbles, yet she gets mad at me for speaking too quietly. "omggg i cant hear wut ur seying!!!!111!!" You'd think she'd be able to understand.)
I just told her that I didn't care. >>;; How is it weird to have £20 anyway? Too much money? Is it weird to have a lot of money? Oh wait, does that mean Bill Gates is the biggest weirdo in the world? -_-
So yeah, quite a lot of un-normal stuff happened this week. D: I can't wait for sixth form (12th grade). My school sorts out the students with bad grades from the ones with good grades and practically kicks them out. xD This might sound mean, but I hope my 'best friend' drops out. She really just treats me like crap sometimes. It's okay to still be friends with her, but she's not someone to be a close friend with. She starts thinking of you as her property and thinks she can mistreat you, because she gets the idea that you can't find another friend as a replacement. Sadly, that's exactly how I am. I don't know anyone else in the class I can trust and become friends with.
Oh and my school gets new people from other schools to join sixth form,so maybe I can befriend some of them! I did see a mean girl from my primary school though. I hope she doesn't get in. D:
Saturday, 24 September 2011
School Updates
Not a very interesting title, but I think that's what this post is mainly about. XD
I have a 4-hour long English controlled assessment exam on Monday. I still haven't prepared my notes yet. I do pretty well on controlled assessments (my essays are normally A-grade standards :D), but it's the exams that don't tell you the essay title until you sit down in silence in a massive hall that I fail at. And I suck at analysing newspaper articles and stuff like that. x_x I prefer poems where you can interpret the words artistically and symbolically.
Oh and my 'best friend' called me stupid at school the other day. I could tell she wasn't joking because of the way she said it - sort of quietly, like she knows that she was saying something rude. She's the real stupid one. She can't do something as simple as 7th grade maths (we were in 10th grade back then), which just consists of finding the nth term of basic number sequences, easy calculations, etc. She was trying to teach a 7th grader the questions she got wrong on a test paper too. I had to help my 'best friend' at least four times, and she didn't even thank me.
Okay, I know that not everyone's good at maths, but she was being so arrogant and rude about it. I sat with her as she taught the 7th grader, and when she got confused, she turned to me to silently ask for help. While I was in the middle of explaining the question, she just interrupts and repeated everything I said, as if she was trying to prove to the 7th grader that she didn't need any help at all. If she had let my finish explaining, the 7th grader could have thought that we were taking turns in helping her, but what my 'best friend' did just made herself look like an idiot.
Yet she still dares to call me stupid. If a genius called me stupid, I would've accepted it. In blunt honesty, I'm a total idiot compared to Albert Einstein (of course) and other gifted people like him. I'm not depressed over it or anything; I'm just facing the truth. But someone who has worse grades than me in almost every single subject, no common sense and a bad attitude has no rights to call me 'stupid'.
Here's the long and boring part - I need to tell you the reason why she called me stupid too. You can skip this paragraph and the next if you want, sine I wrote a summary of the argument. ^^; In my school, we have our own accounts on the computer system where we can save files in our own folders. There are printers that we can use, but the school created a system where you have a total of £5.00 (not real money) at the start of each month on your account to limit your use of the printers. For every black and white A4 page you print, £0.03 gets deducted from your £5.00 and so on. Last year, the cost of everything you print was in multiples of 3, like £0.03, £0.06, etc. So the total of everything you have printed in the entire month should be a multiple of 3 as well, right?
On my 'best friend's account, she had £0.18. I had £0.17. She was like "Haha, I have more money than you!".
So I said, "Why is the difference £0.01? Shouldn't the difference between our money be a multiple of 3, since all of the costs of printing paper is also in a multiple of 3?"
Then she was all like, "Well duh! We didn't print the same things you know!"
I said, "I know, but the difference should still be a multiple of 3."
She said, "But isn't the cost to print an A3 paper £0.26 now?? You're the one being weird!!"
After a lot of arguing, she just confused herself and said, "The money we have left should be a multiple of 3, since the cost of everything is in a multiple of 3!"
And I said, "Exactly, so how come the different between us £0.01? Like I said, it should be a multiple of 3."
Then she blabbed on about nonsense and explaining my own point, then declared that I was 'stupid'. -_-
So this is a summary of the dumb argument:
It would've been different if she called me stupid while I was incorrectly explaining it, but she agreed with my point, thinking that she was the one who came up with it. Don't ask me how, because I have no frickin' idea. -_-
A lot of stupid things like this has happened before. There was a time when she stole my apple juice box and held it out of my reach while I was trying to take it back, then she squeezed the box by accident and the juice sprayed out of the straw and over her table. Here's the funny thing: She got mad and refused to talk to me. If anything, I should have been the one who was angry since she wasted the money I spent on my juice box.
Stupid?
Very.
I have a 4-hour long English controlled assessment exam on Monday. I still haven't prepared my notes yet. I do pretty well on controlled assessments (my essays are normally A-grade standards :D), but it's the exams that don't tell you the essay title until you sit down in silence in a massive hall that I fail at. And I suck at analysing newspaper articles and stuff like that. x_x I prefer poems where you can interpret the words artistically and symbolically.
Oh and my 'best friend' called me stupid at school the other day. I could tell she wasn't joking because of the way she said it - sort of quietly, like she knows that she was saying something rude. She's the real stupid one. She can't do something as simple as 7th grade maths (we were in 10th grade back then), which just consists of finding the nth term of basic number sequences, easy calculations, etc. She was trying to teach a 7th grader the questions she got wrong on a test paper too. I had to help my 'best friend' at least four times, and she didn't even thank me.
Okay, I know that not everyone's good at maths, but she was being so arrogant and rude about it. I sat with her as she taught the 7th grader, and when she got confused, she turned to me to silently ask for help. While I was in the middle of explaining the question, she just interrupts and repeated everything I said, as if she was trying to prove to the 7th grader that she didn't need any help at all. If she had let my finish explaining, the 7th grader could have thought that we were taking turns in helping her, but what my 'best friend' did just made herself look like an idiot.
Yet she still dares to call me stupid. If a genius called me stupid, I would've accepted it. In blunt honesty, I'm a total idiot compared to Albert Einstein (of course) and other gifted people like him. I'm not depressed over it or anything; I'm just facing the truth. But someone who has worse grades than me in almost every single subject, no common sense and a bad attitude has no rights to call me 'stupid'.
Here's the long and boring part - I need to tell you the reason why she called me stupid too. You can skip this paragraph and the next if you want, sine I wrote a summary of the argument. ^^; In my school, we have our own accounts on the computer system where we can save files in our own folders. There are printers that we can use, but the school created a system where you have a total of £5.00 (not real money) at the start of each month on your account to limit your use of the printers. For every black and white A4 page you print, £0.03 gets deducted from your £5.00 and so on. Last year, the cost of everything you print was in multiples of 3, like £0.03, £0.06, etc. So the total of everything you have printed in the entire month should be a multiple of 3 as well, right?
On my 'best friend's account, she had £0.18. I had £0.17. She was like "Haha, I have more money than you!".
So I said, "Why is the difference £0.01? Shouldn't the difference between our money be a multiple of 3, since all of the costs of printing paper is also in a multiple of 3?"
Then she was all like, "Well duh! We didn't print the same things you know!"
I said, "I know, but the difference should still be a multiple of 3."
She said, "But isn't the cost to print an A3 paper £0.26 now?? You're the one being weird!!"
After a lot of arguing, she just confused herself and said, "The money we have left should be a multiple of 3, since the cost of everything is in a multiple of 3!"
And I said, "Exactly, so how come the different between us £0.01? Like I said, it should be a multiple of 3."
Then she blabbed on about nonsense and explaining my own point, then declared that I was 'stupid'. -_-
So this is a summary of the dumb argument:
- I was explaining my point.
- 'Best friend' disagreed and said I was weird.
- I continue to explain my point.
- She gets confused and explains my point to me.
- I agree with her (since it's my point -_-) and said that something must be wrong with the money system.
- She thinks that my point is her point, and thinks I was disagreeing with her so she calls me 'stupid'.
It would've been different if she called me stupid while I was incorrectly explaining it, but she agreed with my point, thinking that she was the one who came up with it. Don't ask me how, because I have no frickin' idea. -_-
A lot of stupid things like this has happened before. There was a time when she stole my apple juice box and held it out of my reach while I was trying to take it back, then she squeezed the box by accident and the juice sprayed out of the straw and over her table. Here's the funny thing: She got mad and refused to talk to me. If anything, I should have been the one who was angry since she wasted the money I spent on my juice box.
Stupid?
Very.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Blandness
Just a normal school day today. Here's an update of my life:
Today, one of the girls in my class asked if she could sleep over at my house for a day in February because her family is going on holiday without her. That might sound really selfish to you, but she told her parents that she didn't want to go on the trip but she still carries on complaining that she's being abandoned. Makes no sense. -_-
Anyway, I just told her 'no' immediately because I don't like her. She's a fake friend and spread rumours about me cutting myself and being emo around the class (it spread to the other classes too), so a lot of people think I'm suicidal. I confronted her about this and she said "But I was so worried about you! <:(". Bull crap. If I really were suicidal, spreading rumours about me would have made me even more depressed. Telling everyone that I cut myself doesn't solve anything.
During my art lesson in the morning at school today, the whole class had to paint over a photograph we took of ourselves with different moods. At first I thought the teacher was letting us focus on painting techniques rather than fussing over the outlines, but then she told us to paint over every single inch of the photo and say that we completely painted it when we're doing our annotations. I'm pretty sure that sounds like cheating though. o ~ o;;
While I was in the middle of painting my nose on my photo, the art teacher came around and started telling me to do the area above the lips properly and said that I was losing the concept of the whole exercise. Oh okay, I need to improve, I'm willing to accept that. Thanks for your tips.
But guess what?
I HADN'T EVEN STARTED PAINTING THAT PART YET.
How the hell would you know that I need to improve something I haven't finished yet? Unless you somehow read the future and knew that I was going to paint it badly. It's like cutting off someone in the middle of their sentence, and assuming what they're about to say is something stupid. I hadn't even started. I would have been okay with it if she had said it like a reminder, but she just blindly announced that I wasn't getting it. *facepalm*
I guess that part wasn't very ordinary but it still wasn't that big of a deal, really, so this post's title is still 'Blandness'. :D I'll just finish here~
Today, one of the girls in my class asked if she could sleep over at my house for a day in February because her family is going on holiday without her. That might sound really selfish to you, but she told her parents that she didn't want to go on the trip but she still carries on complaining that she's being abandoned. Makes no sense. -_-
Anyway, I just told her 'no' immediately because I don't like her. She's a fake friend and spread rumours about me cutting myself and being emo around the class (it spread to the other classes too), so a lot of people think I'm suicidal. I confronted her about this and she said "But I was so worried about you! <:(". Bull crap. If I really were suicidal, spreading rumours about me would have made me even more depressed. Telling everyone that I cut myself doesn't solve anything.
During my art lesson in the morning at school today, the whole class had to paint over a photograph we took of ourselves with different moods. At first I thought the teacher was letting us focus on painting techniques rather than fussing over the outlines, but then she told us to paint over every single inch of the photo and say that we completely painted it when we're doing our annotations. I'm pretty sure that sounds like cheating though. o ~ o;;
While I was in the middle of painting my nose on my photo, the art teacher came around and started telling me to do the area above the lips properly and said that I was losing the concept of the whole exercise. Oh okay, I need to improve, I'm willing to accept that. Thanks for your tips.
But guess what?
I HADN'T EVEN STARTED PAINTING THAT PART YET.
How the hell would you know that I need to improve something I haven't finished yet? Unless you somehow read the future and knew that I was going to paint it badly. It's like cutting off someone in the middle of their sentence, and assuming what they're about to say is something stupid. I hadn't even started. I would have been okay with it if she had said it like a reminder, but she just blindly announced that I wasn't getting it. *facepalm*
I guess that part wasn't very ordinary but it still wasn't that big of a deal, really, so this post's title is still 'Blandness'. :D I'll just finish here~
Friday, 16 September 2011
Male
I'd like to be a guy.
That probably sounded like I'm a freak or something. ^^; It doesn't mean that I'm attracted to girls, want sex change in the future or anything like that. I'm just really curious what it would be like to be a guy. I feel like I can be more confident and 'attractive' as one - although that probably made no sense.
I've been imagining what look I'd go for if I were a guy at school today: K-pop styled short hair with a full or side fringe, long shirts with skinny jeans, hoodies, eyeliner to make my eyes look sharp and long, carrying my bag over one shoulder, looking a bit too pretty for a guy, cool (sexy xD) poses, and so on. I go to an all-girls school and we have to wear a skirt as part of the uniform, but we're allowed to wear our own clothes in 12th grade (next year!) so I wouldn't look off with a short haircut (although I really like long hair).
I also want male friends. I actually don't know any guys in real life apart from my relatives. What would it be like to have a guy as a friend? No rumour-spreading, no backstabbing, no you're-prettier-than-me-so-I-hate-you, no you-are-more-popular-so-you-suck, and all that stupid crap? Sounds like a dream come true.
I've always liked friendships between guys. It's sort of pure, in a way, and touching. The whole "I got your back" thing is just really beautiful to me, unlike most of the girls in my school who backstab their own friends. Plus, with male friends, you can shove each other around and wrestle for fun. xD
Those are the reasons why I'm interested in cross-dressing. Even if it's not permanent, I'd like to just try walking around as a guy for a while.
I kept randomly imagining the stuff that could happen while crossdressing in 12th grade at school. Looking like an attractive guy and getting a lot of attention (sorry, I'm a little vain ^^;)~ It all looks so fun in my head. I wouldn't be that annoying and quiet 'freak' in the corner anymore. I'd be a whole new person with confidence and strength. No one would pick on me anymore.
~
I found a lot of amazing male wigs on a Korean website. Too bad I can't read Korean. D:
They're all so pretty~ I want to buy them all. D: I admit that the attractive models made the wigs look even better. *can probably never pull it off as well as they can* ^^;
That probably sounded like I'm a freak or something. ^^; It doesn't mean that I'm attracted to girls, want sex change in the future or anything like that. I'm just really curious what it would be like to be a guy. I feel like I can be more confident and 'attractive' as one - although that probably made no sense.
I've been imagining what look I'd go for if I were a guy at school today: K-pop styled short hair with a full or side fringe, long shirts with skinny jeans, hoodies, eyeliner to make my eyes look sharp and long, carrying my bag over one shoulder, looking a bit too pretty for a guy, cool (sexy xD) poses, and so on. I go to an all-girls school and we have to wear a skirt as part of the uniform, but we're allowed to wear our own clothes in 12th grade (next year!) so I wouldn't look off with a short haircut (although I really like long hair).
I also want male friends. I actually don't know any guys in real life apart from my relatives. What would it be like to have a guy as a friend? No rumour-spreading, no backstabbing, no you're-prettier-than-me-so-I-hate-you, no you-are-more-popular-so-you-suck, and all that stupid crap? Sounds like a dream come true.
I've always liked friendships between guys. It's sort of pure, in a way, and touching. The whole "I got your back" thing is just really beautiful to me, unlike most of the girls in my school who backstab their own friends. Plus, with male friends, you can shove each other around and wrestle for fun. xD
Those are the reasons why I'm interested in cross-dressing. Even if it's not permanent, I'd like to just try walking around as a guy for a while.
I kept randomly imagining the stuff that could happen while crossdressing in 12th grade at school. Looking like an attractive guy and getting a lot of attention (sorry, I'm a little vain ^^;)~ It all looks so fun in my head. I wouldn't be that annoying and quiet 'freak' in the corner anymore. I'd be a whole new person with confidence and strength. No one would pick on me anymore.
~
I found a lot of amazing male wigs on a Korean website. Too bad I can't read Korean. D:
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Ordinary
Nothing much has been happening lately. I've been pretty organised compared to last year since I've done most of my homework. :D
For the past couple of months, I've lost interest in piano. It used to mean a lot to me and back then, I couldn't even imagine not being able to play. I don't know what happened. But today, I made myself print the music sheet for 'Le Onde' by Ludovico Einaudi.
It's so beautiful~ <3 I can play this song, but not as amazingly (of course!). I'm a little inspired to practise but I have a small migraine right now so I guess I'll play tomorrow, maybe.
I kind of wish I was a YouTuber right now. xD It sounds fun to video-blog, upload make-up tutorials or record yourself singing, dancing, playing the piano, etc. I'd really love to upload videos of myself playing the piano but to be honest, I'm not that great at it. > <;; I'd also like to dance and sing, although I've never tried either one whole-heartedly before. Maybe I will once I'm older and live by myself (I'd feel too shy to record a video with people in the house, and my parents probably wouldn't approve of it). xD
I sort of quitted Puricute because I've lost interest in posting photos of myself. And and~! I feel like changing my Blogspot URL because the name "Mitsuni" doesn't feel very me-ish, if you get what I mean. Still thinking of a more suitable and comfortable name though~
For the past couple of months, I've lost interest in piano. It used to mean a lot to me and back then, I couldn't even imagine not being able to play. I don't know what happened. But today, I made myself print the music sheet for 'Le Onde' by Ludovico Einaudi.
It's so beautiful~ <3 I can play this song, but not as amazingly (of course!). I'm a little inspired to practise but I have a small migraine right now so I guess I'll play tomorrow, maybe.
I kind of wish I was a YouTuber right now. xD It sounds fun to video-blog, upload make-up tutorials or record yourself singing, dancing, playing the piano, etc. I'd really love to upload videos of myself playing the piano but to be honest, I'm not that great at it. > <;; I'd also like to dance and sing, although I've never tried either one whole-heartedly before. Maybe I will once I'm older and live by myself (I'd feel too shy to record a video with people in the house, and my parents probably wouldn't approve of it). xD
I sort of quitted Puricute because I've lost interest in posting photos of myself. And and~! I feel like changing my Blogspot URL because the name "Mitsuni" doesn't feel very me-ish, if you get what I mean. Still thinking of a more suitable and comfortable name though~
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Updates
So about my super crappy English exam result: my English teacher told the whole class that there's something weird going on with the examiners or something, because a lot of people (like me) didn't get the grade they were expected to. At least I'm not alone. :D He said that we might be able to retake the test. I don't have my notes on the book we did anymore though, but I'm still willing to give it another try.
Thursday and Friday were pretty normal (boring). I always get really bad migraines once a week during school. I didn't get one while I was in Taiwan during the summer holiday, but they've suddenly come back again. I've been getting a bunch of homework just on the first two proper days of school. x_x I talked to my 'best friend' about the stress I'm already feeling, and she was like "Stress? How?? Why???". The way she said it was as if she has never felt stress before rather than meaning that the homework wasn't that big of a deal, so I was just like "...". I hate how she freaks out over tiny things, like me biting my nails.
I went to China Town with my parents today. A governor of Taiwan booked one floor of a restaurant to organise a one-hour long speech/debate about the trading relationship between Taiwan and China, or something; I wasn't really listening. I just went there for the free lunch. ^^; A lot of people there (and in Taiwan) mistook me for a college student. Do I really look that mature? xP
Sunday tomorrow. Tonight's the last night of being able to sleep in; at least, not for another week. Lots of art to do tomorrow too. D:
Thursday and Friday were pretty normal (boring). I always get really bad migraines once a week during school. I didn't get one while I was in Taiwan during the summer holiday, but they've suddenly come back again. I've been getting a bunch of homework just on the first two proper days of school. x_x I talked to my 'best friend' about the stress I'm already feeling, and she was like "Stress? How?? Why???". The way she said it was as if she has never felt stress before rather than meaning that the homework wasn't that big of a deal, so I was just like "...". I hate how she freaks out over tiny things, like me biting my nails.
I went to China Town with my parents today. A governor of Taiwan booked one floor of a restaurant to organise a one-hour long speech/debate about the trading relationship between Taiwan and China, or something; I wasn't really listening. I just went there for the free lunch. ^^; A lot of people there (and in Taiwan) mistook me for a college student. Do I really look that mature? xP
Sunday tomorrow. Tonight's the last night of being able to sleep in; at least, not for another week. Lots of art to do tomorrow too. D:
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Wasted Time
As you know if you've read my previous entry, school started for me today.
And it was so pointless. I'm serious.
First, we got to know our new form tutor, then a 'welcome back' assembly and we got our homework planners and timetables. Those were alright. But then the school gave us an hour-long lunch break as usual, even though the school day started two hours later than usual (I mean, I'd rather just go home already). Then after a waste of one hour, all we did was sit in the classroom and talk since we had nothing to do. The talking and eating was pointless. We could've been at home studying or something.
During all that talking though, a Korean and a Japanese girl in my class talked to me about Asian dramas and music. We don't normally talk to each other, so that was good (although it was only for around 5 minutes). I don't think they'll talk to me any more though. D:
On a sad, annoying, angry, depressing note, I got a freaking C in one of my English GCSE exams, which accounts for 25% of the whole thing. C. I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm so stupid. I was one mark away from a B too. Although I'd still be disappointed with a B, a C just makes me want to smash my head into a wall. A lot of people got As and A*s. ; ~ ; I got the exact same number of points as my 'best friend' though, oddly enough. I wish wish wish that the examiners copied her mark onto mine by accident. I want to retake it if I could, even if I had to pay.
And now I'm just blaming myself for not studying hard enough. But the strange thing is that my English teacher made my class do a practice essay on the same book I did for the exam, and I got an A. I've also gotten consistent As on the numerous essays I've done in the past. How did my grade-A standard work become a C?
I just hope that they made a mistake.
And it was so pointless. I'm serious.
First, we got to know our new form tutor, then a 'welcome back' assembly and we got our homework planners and timetables. Those were alright. But then the school gave us an hour-long lunch break as usual, even though the school day started two hours later than usual (I mean, I'd rather just go home already). Then after a waste of one hour, all we did was sit in the classroom and talk since we had nothing to do. The talking and eating was pointless. We could've been at home studying or something.
During all that talking though, a Korean and a Japanese girl in my class talked to me about Asian dramas and music. We don't normally talk to each other, so that was good (although it was only for around 5 minutes). I don't think they'll talk to me any more though. D:
On a sad, annoying, angry, depressing note, I got a freaking C in one of my English GCSE exams, which accounts for 25% of the whole thing. C. I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm so stupid. I was one mark away from a B too. Although I'd still be disappointed with a B, a C just makes me want to smash my head into a wall. A lot of people got As and A*s. ; ~ ; I got the exact same number of points as my 'best friend' though, oddly enough. I wish wish wish that the examiners copied her mark onto mine by accident. I want to retake it if I could, even if I had to pay.
And now I'm just blaming myself for not studying hard enough. But the strange thing is that my English teacher made my class do a practice essay on the same book I did for the exam, and I got an A. I've also gotten consistent As on the numerous essays I've done in the past. How did my grade-A standard work become a C?
I just hope that they made a mistake.
Monday, 5 September 2011
School
I'm dreading Wednesday, which is when I start school again. I hate a lot of people in my class since they treat me like crap, and I don't have one friend that I could trust (apart from one who I talk to on Skype, but she's in another class so I can't talk to her much in school). My class is almost basically filled with pathetic people who thinks it makes them really cool to spread rumours and say shit about people behind their backs. It's sick.
I actually want to share this blog with my classmates sometimes, just so they'd know how I really think and feel; that I'm not a stupid log with no opinions and emotions. They'd get a big shock just from the swear words here.
The thing about school: most people prefer active lessons where they do group work, science investigations, etc. But I hate those the most. I'm like the class loner, so nobody wants to be in a group with me. I'm always the odd-one-out. I can feel that they don't like me. I wish I could just sit and write notes peacefully on my own. Sometimes I hate friendship. It's like the most friends you have, the more credible you are, the more trusted you are, the more powerful you are. Why do I always get the fake friends who backstab me?
It just isn't fair.
I actually want to share this blog with my classmates sometimes, just so they'd know how I really think and feel; that I'm not a stupid log with no opinions and emotions. They'd get a big shock just from the swear words here.
The thing about school: most people prefer active lessons where they do group work, science investigations, etc. But I hate those the most. I'm like the class loner, so nobody wants to be in a group with me. I'm always the odd-one-out. I can feel that they don't like me. I wish I could just sit and write notes peacefully on my own. Sometimes I hate friendship. It's like the most friends you have, the more credible you are, the more trusted you are, the more powerful you are. Why do I always get the fake friends who backstab me?
It just isn't fair.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Useless
It's already September and I've still done no work at all. Nothing.
I spent the last four days doing- I don't even remember what I did. Probably just stared at my Tumblr dashboard, lurked on Puricute, logged in and out of Facebook repeatedly. The schedule I wrote turned out to be a complete waste.
...Yeah, I'm a pretty sad person.
I feel bored and stressed from being cooped up in the house for so long. I don't have any friends that I can go out with, and I don't know where to go either. If you're reading this right now, you must be very, very bored.
I kind of want a newer Mac laptop right now or a Windows, then I could download MMORPGS and other games. I'm bored of TinierMe and have forgotten how to socialise on Towns. I really need some new friends too, thanks to Bubble.
I spent the last four days doing- I don't even remember what I did. Probably just stared at my Tumblr dashboard, lurked on Puricute, logged in and out of Facebook repeatedly. The schedule I wrote turned out to be a complete waste.
...Yeah, I'm a pretty sad person.
I feel bored and stressed from being cooped up in the house for so long. I don't have any friends that I can go out with, and I don't know where to go either. If you're reading this right now, you must be very, very bored.
I kind of want a newer Mac laptop right now or a Windows, then I could download MMORPGS and other games. I'm bored of TinierMe and have forgotten how to socialise on Towns. I really need some new friends too, thanks to Bubble.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Unreasonable
Another rant, thanks to my dad.
Basically, my dad asked if I have been playing the piano lately and I said no, so he was all like "How dare you!". I just ignored him and went to do homework, and he said "Go play the piano now instead of doing homework."
I told him that I wanted to do my art homework first (I rarely do any drawings unless I'm in an artistic mood), but he said "You can go play the piano and draw later."
I probably wouldn't feel like drawing later, so I said: "I can draw first and practise later."
Then he was like "I bet you wouldn't practise after you've finished drawing."
So I said, “I bet I wouldn’t draw after I’ve finished practising.”
Then he started spazzing out for no reason, and being like “OMGGG BLAHBLAHBLAH RAGE RAGE RAGE!”
I told him that all I was doing was saying back what he said to me, and he was like “IF YOU’RE GOING TO COPY ME, WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO WORK THEN.”
That’s stupid. I’m only 15. I can’t go to work and earn money until I’m 16. The only way he reacted like that was because he couldn’t think of a reply to my comebacks. He’s almost like an immature little kid.
Oh and before all of this happened, he said that it was impossible for me to go to Cambridge or Oxford university because my grades were worse than my brother’s. Excuse me? I’ve taken two GCSE exams already and got A* on both of them. I’d be fine if I keep doing what I do. He’s acting as if I got a C (I’ve even seen people who got Cs being very pleased with it).
And guess what. Once he betted £200 (around $326) that I wouldn’t pass my piano exams. At first I thought he was just encouraging me, but he told my mom that he wasn’t expecting me to pass. Then he tried to get his money back quickly by deducting my prize money just for playing games.
It’s just pathetic.
Bleh, I better go to my art stuff now.
Monday, 29 August 2011
Homework
There's only around a week until school starts and I've practically done none of my summer homework apart from drawing two unfinished portraits (which I later found out I didn't need to draw). I'm starting to feel stressed but all I'm doing is sitting in front of my laptop and typing this. So unproductive. I'll just type out my homework schedule then.
Monday - Analyse two Hollywood portraits. Save photos on USB.
Tuesday - Draw a portrait of a friend/family member.
Wednesday - Analyse the two BP portraits. Read book.
Thursday - Take a self-photo with a particular mood. Take photos of lamp model. Analyse the Hollywood-style photos. Save all photos on USB.
Friday - Draw the self-photo and paint. Read book.
Saturday - Finish painting. Read book.
Sunday - Analyse lamp model. Read book.
Monday - Analyse lamp model. Read book.
Tuesday - Read book.
Then school starts on Wednesday. That means I can't take a single break on any day until school starts, otherwise I'd have to catch up and owkrpokrwpeokr. This sucks. I'm so unorganised.
Monday - Analyse two Hollywood portraits. Save photos on USB.
Tuesday - Draw a portrait of a friend/family member.
Wednesday - Analyse the two BP portraits. Read book.
Thursday - Take a self-photo with a particular mood. Take photos of lamp model. Analyse the Hollywood-style photos. Save all photos on USB.
Friday - Draw the self-photo and paint. Read book.
Saturday - Finish painting. Read book.
Sunday - Analyse lamp model. Read book.
Monday - Analyse lamp model. Read book.
Tuesday - Read book.
Then school starts on Wednesday. That means I can't take a single break on any day until school starts, otherwise I'd have to catch up and owkrpokrwpeokr. This sucks. I'm so unorganised.
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Photoshop?
I'm too much of a chicken to post this on Puricute, so I'm just ranting here since I hardly have any followers. xD
I'm really curious. What's wrong with photoshopping your pictures? A lot of people on Puricute keep thinking "Your picture is photoshopped" as an insult and seem to look down on people who do use it.
Sure, Photoshop might make the picture not look like the real you at all if you go overboard with the editing, but isn't that the same as putting on tons of makeup? What's the difference between editing on fake eyelashes and actually gluing them on? If anything, using Photoshop is more economically beneficial since once you buy the programme, you can keep using it for the rest of your life. Isn't that cheaper than buying all that makeup? Makeup can be bad for your skin if you use it too much for a looong time, so isn't it better to just "put makeup" on a bunch of pixels?
To be honest, I photoshop my photos sometimes (don't hate me~ > <;), but just to add eyeshadow, eyeliner and false eyelashes because I don't have all that stuff in real life. I don't do anything overboard like making my nose smaller, thinning down my face, etc, so my edited photos still look similar to the real me.
I understand that not everyone's good at using Photoshop and why some people still use makeup in real life, but I don't think there's any reason to dislike the people who edit their photos (as long as they don't make themselves look like a complete different person, or changing their actual features rather than enhancing them).
What do you think?
...
-silence-
xD;;
I'm really curious. What's wrong with photoshopping your pictures? A lot of people on Puricute keep thinking "Your picture is photoshopped" as an insult and seem to look down on people who do use it.
Sure, Photoshop might make the picture not look like the real you at all if you go overboard with the editing, but isn't that the same as putting on tons of makeup? What's the difference between editing on fake eyelashes and actually gluing them on? If anything, using Photoshop is more economically beneficial since once you buy the programme, you can keep using it for the rest of your life. Isn't that cheaper than buying all that makeup? Makeup can be bad for your skin if you use it too much for a looong time, so isn't it better to just "put makeup" on a bunch of pixels?
To be honest, I photoshop my photos sometimes (don't hate me~ > <;), but just to add eyeshadow, eyeliner and false eyelashes because I don't have all that stuff in real life. I don't do anything overboard like making my nose smaller, thinning down my face, etc, so my edited photos still look similar to the real me.
I understand that not everyone's good at using Photoshop and why some people still use makeup in real life, but I don't think there's any reason to dislike the people who edit their photos (as long as they don't make themselves look like a complete different person, or changing their actual features rather than enhancing them).
What do you think?
...
-silence-
xD;;
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