I realised that I'm not really cis.

I've regularly gone through phases of wanting to be a man since I was 13 or so. Funnily enough, I have a few posts from back in 2011 and 2012 talking about it. I always thought I was just a weird girl who wanted to be a boy, but in the last few months, I realised that apparently these are thoughts trans men think about often before they transition.

I still don't know what I am. I'm totally lost and confused. I still see myself as a woman who wants to be a man, instead of a man stuck in a woman's body.

It's almost surreal reading back at my old posts talking about how much I want to be a boy and how things, even the most mundane, would be better. It seems like all the signs were there and I somehow missed them all.

I'm now 26, engaged and own a house on mortgage. I've set the foundations for my typical, straight cis girl life. Yet, I've always just felt unhappy with how I am. Recently I've been more sad than usual because of relationship issues - it's been going on for years. The gender dysphoria seems to be getting worse. Am I sad because I want to be a man so badly, or do I want to be a man so badly because I am sad? I wish I knew, then perhaps making a life-changing decision would be easier.

I realised what my feelings of wanting to be a man truly were around May 2022, just before my 26th birthday. It's odd - I've always had this feeling that I'd never live past 25. I just couldn't see myself beyond the age of 25. But here I am, still breathing, at age 26. Maybe I just never saw myself living as a woman past 25.

Occasionally when I talk, I slip and say things like "When I'm an old man" or "I'm doing x like an old man". Somehow the words came so naturally out of me long before I realised I have gender dysphoria. I thought I was just being scatterbrained, but now I'm wondering if a subconscious part of me was expecting to grow old as a man.

I'm so tired of living these days. I've gone through so much already in my teen years. I'm ready to rest. Yet, when I imagine myself as a man, the little things in life seem so much more joyful. Hanging out with friends as a man. Riding a bus as a man. Walking to the supermarket as a man. Why do these things seem to make life sound magical again?

I'm too scared to medically transition. I'm scared of throwing away the life I have built around my current identity. I'm scared that even if I did transition, I would never become the kind of man I want to be. I want to be logical. I want to be confident. I want to be intelligent. I want to be assertive. I want to have leadership qualities.

I don't want my silly, crippling phobias; how prone I am to letting people treat me like dirt; how scared I get when someone confronts me; how emotional I get; how easily I cry. I'm only 5'3". I know it's toxic masculinity but I feel like I can get away with these things as a woman. I'm so damn weak, and it's socially acceptable to be that way as a woman.

I wish I could be a strong man.

My best friend stopped talking to me.

I actually posted this on Reddit for advice back in December 2020. I got one piece of advice that set my mind more at peace. Sadly my post disappeared for some reason when I was looking for it today, but I had saved a draft here and thought I'd post it for record purposes.

 

-

 

My friend and I have been close for around 7-8 years. Around 6 months ago, her boyfriend of 6-7 years broke up with her and obviously this hit her hard. Her other friends and I have been trying to comfort her and listen to her talk about struggling over the breakup and also her financial issues. She seemed to be doing better after the 1-2 months, then her financial issues cropped up again, triggered extreme stress in her and she basically had a breakdown. This brought back all her negative feelings about the breakup as well as an existential crisis. I think she was feeling angry about life in general and unintentionally lashed out at me when I was trying to comfort her. We talked it out after she calmed down, but I've still continued to worry about whether my words would just upset her rather than help her.

 

I've been suggesting that she should speak with a therapist about her feelings, which she finally agreed to do after she realised she has been putting a lot of emotional pressure on me and her other friends. It's now been 3 months since she started seeing a therapist. I feel like she's not been the same since the breakdown and we don't talk as much as we used to anymore. We used to talk almost everyday, whereas now it's weeks before we speak. The recent conversations are always initiated by myself. She used to initiate conversations more often purely because of our different personalities - she's more open and talkative while I'm more the type to keep to myself.

 

Now here's a little background on me. I won't delve too much into it but I've had a fairly rough past - I suffered through abusive parents, then came out of that environment straight to an abusive ex-boyfriend for a year. The friend I mentioned actually helped me a lot with just being present as someone I could talk to when I was dealing with the breakup. The first few weeks were rough, then I started university and felt like I could fully move on now that there was something to focus on. I had a difficult time in university as I had the misfortune of meeting girls who seemed to hate me for some reason and would talk down to me, plus I had to continue to put up with my parents' abuse. I had several breakdowns during these few years and have spoken with therapists.

 

Hopefully that gives a good idea of my emotional stability. I've struggled with depressive bouts and suicidal thoughts for about half of my life. It's finally starting to get a little bit better now, however I still frequently second-guess myself, irrationally feel like everyone hates me and am prone to feeling sad and angry whenever I think about the things I went through.

 

Back to my friend's situation. When we last spoke, she admitted that she's still not doing great and still struggling with the breakup. Neither of us have addressed that we're not talking as much anymore (she's still in regular contact with her all other friends from what I heard). This would easily be fixed by me making more of an effort to initiate conversations, but I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to do it. Our conversations end up going back to her feelings on her breakup and I feel like I don't know how to respond anymore. I don't know what I can say to make her feel better. I don't know what else to say to support her. I'm just starting to feel tired because I already struggle a lot with my own emotional problems and feel like I don't have the capacity to support another person. I just want to be left alone and at peace for a while.

 

I also feel like she doesn't really ask me specifics on how I am/how I'm doing as much anymore - for example, I ask questions like "how is x going at work", "how's the new x", etc. Our friendship is just starting to feel one-sided now that I'm initiating the conversations and the conversations are mainly centered around her.

 

I feel like I'm a bad friend. Maybe I should be putting side my own mental health to support her. Maybe I'm being selfish for wanting to talk about myself too in our conversations. Maybe I'm a horrible person for having these thoughts when she's the one actually going through a hard time and in need of support, since there's nothing actively causing me grief in my life currently.

 

I guess I'd like people's thoughts on whether I'm a bad person for not continuing to actively reach out to support her, or for people to basically give me permission that it's okay to focus on myself for a while so I can come to terms with all my feelings of guilt. I feel awful for not being able to help her through her breakup when she had helped me through mine. I just feel so tired.

 

-

 

The advice that helped me was that maybe she could tell her unloading her emotions onto me was too much and so she's withdrawing in order to not ruin our friendship completely. The Redditor also said there's a difference between temporarily supporting someone during their time of need and permanently supporting someone who can't move on.

I wish I had saved their post because they put it far more articulately than I did.

It's now been almost a full year since my best friend stopped talking to me much. We caught up a little bit now and then, but it didn't feel the same.

 

My fiance actually talked to her without me knowing and asked her to get in touch with me again. She did send a lengthy message, apologising for withdrawing and saying that it was because of our time difference (she lives in the US). Time difference had never stopped us before though, so honestly I still feel like it was an excuse. I think she just kind of stopped enjoying my company.

 

She asked me how I was though and if I've been doing anything new. She seemed like she was interested. It felt like how we used to talk again.

 

Then my fiance told me he had actually reached out to her first, which made me doubt whether she actually wanted to talk to me, or if she just felt pressured to.

 

I reached out to her a couple weeks later and she was just back to talking about herself again. I tried to bring up a few things I've been doing recently, but she doesn't respond to these and just carries on talking about her problems. This was what made me start withdrawing in the first place.

 

I don't think I can call her my best friend anymore. I'm quite certain she doesn't see me that way anymore. I guess sometimes friendships just fade and I have to learn to be okay with that.

It's been five years.

Somehow it's been five years since my last entry. I haven't totally forgotten about this blog of mine - I just haven't felt the need to express my thoughts somewhere private. A lot of things have happened. I got engaged to my partner (the one I met in university) as of November 2019. I've been freelance modelling for four years. I've graduated from uni and now have a stable job. I bought a house with my fiancé in August 2020. Things are good.

Honestly, I revisited this blog today because I was feeling down about life in general for some reason. I think I still have some sort of trauma from everything I experienced in my adolescence (most of which have been recorded here). Sometimes I just feel like things aren't "right" in my life and that I still haven't achieved happiness. This morning, I planned to go on this blog and write an entry about these depressive bouts I go through sometimes, and all the things currently going wrong in my life.

I got curious about previous entries I've written and ended up down the rabbit hole of reading a good chunk of my past entries, starting in 2011 to 2013. This was a time when I was struggling a lot with family issues and my abusive dad. Then mid-2013 to 2014, I struggled with an abusive boyfriend. I stopped reading at the mid-2013 point because that next period of my life was exhausting and there are a lot of things I regretted or wish I could have done differently in hindsight.

Anyway, reading all those past entries was eye-opening for me. My life really is significantly better now. I was shocked by the utter misery and hopelessness I must have felt in my younger years. I used to absolutely hate my appearance, which I don't remember having felt so strongly about it. Somehow I've forgotten about how bad things used to be.

I talked about my goals of "getting good grades", "getting a stable job" and "finding someone who loves me". I've achieved all of these now. In my most recent entry, I talked about wanting a freelance part-time job and I've achieved this too with modelling.

My life has done a 180 and I probably couldn't have ever dreamt of having my current life back when I was 15 years old. My mind is still plagued sometimes by all the struggles and abuse I went through, but looking back, my life has undoubtedly improved. It wasn't a lie when people say things get better. They really do. I just need to remind myself of this.

Things are good. :)

I'm alive!

The summer holidays flew by and now I'm going back to university this Sunday. I'll be living in dorms again. I'm not looking forward to the food and the amount of socialising required, but I'm hoping to make new (lasting) friends this time round. Last year I only had Chinese international/exchange students as my friends. They're all leaving the country eventually and they don't have Facebook so it makes it awkward to keep in contact. My Mandarin isn't too great either so it's difficult to keep up in conversations.

I haven't been up to much otherwise. I went on a trip to Pretzfeld, Germany with my boyfriend and his family, which was nice. I tried to look for some freelance jobs I could do on Fiverr but didn't have much luck. I also started up a T-shirt store but again, no luck with sales. It doesn't seem like there's any convenient jobs that I can take on other than proper part-time jobs, which would be risky to juggle during an architecture course. I looked into other freelancing sites but they just weren't very user friendly and appeared to be aimed at full-time freelancers rather than students without any experience.

I've been looking at copy-typing jobs since that appears to be the only thing I'm really good at. I did a quick online test and had a typing speed of 100 wpm. Not as fast as I used to be (130 wpm) but it's still a lot faster than the average person. All other jobs ask for qualifications of some sort.

So I guess I just need to be patient. I can't wait to graduate and begin job-hunting. I just want to do something productive. Anything. I feel restless.

I did do one sort-of productive thing during the summer though. I've learnt to recognise all hiragana characters. I've still yet to tackle katakana though.

...Literally just got distracted and started learning katakana, so I'll be cutting this entry short.

Get over it.

So apparently my ex has been writing a LOT of stuff about me on forums. Mostly negative comments. Jesus fuck, leave me alone. It's been almost a year since we broke up so I don't know why he's still talking about me and obsessing over me. Get the fuck over it. :/

It's making me extremely uncomfortable. He's disgusting and pathetic.

Just wanted to rage somewhere.

Just dropping in.

Sorry for disappearing again. I don't really blog much about my life anyway these days. I don't really have much to talk about. Back when I was blogging regularly, it was because I was feeling down and wanted to write my feelings somewhere no one knows me in real life. Since not a lot of people read my blog anyway, I feel less motivated to write about other stuff.

I've been pretty happy though. ^^ I've been on Easter holiday for almost a month. I'm going back to uni in two days. Looking forward to see my boyfriend again. I miss hugging him. Life's been good.

I feel scared to talk about the good parts of my life sometimes. During my last relationship (which I've realised was pretty much an abusive relationship...), whenever I wrote about how things were calming down, more drama would happen because my ex loved to start shit. It was really exhausting.

I wrote a happy post on my Tumblr the other day, talking about how good my life is. I kept feeling very paranoid that someone (namely my ex) might read it and be all bitter about it. He'd start posting shit about my on forums like he did last time when he saw that I got a new boyfriend. People like him are pathetic.

I think I'm still traumatised by everything that happened. :/ I still feel afraid sometimes even though I shouldn't be anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Hopefully time will heal my wounds.

I'm okay otherwise though. Around 2 months of uni left and I'll be done with my first year. :D I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future. I used to want to be an architect, but I'm not so sure anymore. The course is 7-8 years long and the starting salary isn't even that great. I can't even just do the first part of Architecture and be an architectural assistant for the rest of my life since they only earn £20,000/year max. :/ I'm hoping to be able to switch to game design of some sort without needing more studies. For now I can only just stick with Architecture since I don't want to have wasted a whole year of university fees.

That's all I really have to talk about. I'll drop in again some other day. :p

Back for a bit!

Hello, lurkers. I've neglected this blog for quite some time and a lot of things have changed in my life since.

I'm now a somewhat proud university student! University life is pretty good and it's nice having a fresh new start without being constrained by people's judgements. I'm also no longer sad about the breakup with my ex (actually I stopped being sad like a few days after the breakup, but I still get a bit angry when I think about how he had treated me). We were friends for a while, then after around a month when I began university and started meeting guys, he started acting incredibly bitter every time I mentioned something about a guy, even though he was the one who told me to tell him about them. So I cut off my friendship with him and boy am I glad to be rid of a jealous bitch.

My self-esteem has gone up immensely ever since the breakup. Looking back on that unhealthy relationship, I really wonder what I was even thinking. I met a wonderful guy in university and we started dating, and it's pretty astounding when I compare my new relationship with my old one. With my current boyfriend, I feel things I've never felt before towards my ex. I get all girly whenever he compliments me (squealing, aww-ing, rolling on the bed kicking the mattress, etc.), which is a first for me. He's far more independent too but also affectionate, so I get the attention I want as well as not being suffocated at the same time. My ex was way too insecure and always tried to blame everything on me. I probably began mirroring his behaviour at some point. Obviously he'd never accept that he's insecure and problematic. The way he'd try to convince me that I had clinical depression was ridiculous too.

I think he went on my Tumblr blog the other day and saw my posts about my new boyfriend, so he said some shit about me behind my back. Probably out of jealousy since he's a jealous bitch. He's been using dating websites and apps for months but he still can't get any. ʅฺ(・ω・。)ʃฺ

My architecture course is going okay. I came across the fundamental problem that occurs in all design-based courses: different tutors have different opinions about your design. One might decide that it's shit and another might tell you it's fine the way it is. Sigh. It just confuses me because I don't know which one to go for. It'll probably work out somehow.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say for now. I've become really bad at writing about my life. I used to be able to talk about nonsense for the longest time and really enjoyed doing so, but in the past year or so I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore? I dunno. I just wanted to write this entry to let anyone out there reading my blog know that I'm doing okay (especially since my last entry was so depressing). A burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've moved on and am still moving on with my life. ^^

We broke up.

We were really happy for a few months after he sorted out his flirting problem. Then he had to choose between his family or me. He chose his family.

I don't blame him for choosing his family, but it seems like he had lied about taking me seriously. He just seems really fickle. Months ago, he was always talking about how he hates his family and how he wants to get away from all the Arab traditions. All of a sudden, he just... changed.

Apparently his sister asked him a week ago while they were on holiday about what he thinks will happen to us in the future. The issue has been bothering him since. I don't know why he didn't discuss this with me earlier and only brought it up because it was somewhat relevant to a conversation we were having.

I thought he had been acting distant ever since he came back from holiday. I pointed this out to him and he said he wasn't. What really upsets me is that he had been shamelessly asking me to show him my body when he knew perfectly well that he had no intentions of having a future together. He'd literally beg me when I said no.

I think I'm far too nice for my own good. Every single thing that he has done to me I had forgiven. The way he had trashed my self-esteem and told me I wasn't good enough. The way he tossed me aside while he was holiday and said I was annoying. The moment he comes back, he just wants to see my body. He only wanted me when he needed me. I put up so much fucking bullshit. I couldn't even vent out all of my pent-up resentment and frustration in the end. I couldn't express all of the horrible things he had done to me so that he could at least repent.

But fuck, he has also done nice things for me to. Buying me presents, cheering me up (sometimes) when I'm sad by singing badly and goofing around, telling me that I'm beautiful.

It's so hard because I don't know if he's worth my kindness. Or maybe I'm just weak. If I were stronger and tougher, I'd cut him out of my life instead of asking if we can just go back to being friends. He liked the idea of being friends. Maybe I should've just told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and how he had completely wrecked me.

Hearing the words "I love you" everyday really becomes addicting. I just don't want to lose him completely. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have no friends. He was pretty much the only person I've really opened up to in the recent years.

This rant is a complete mess, sorry. It's hard to think straight. It just hurts so much that he'd choose the family he claimed he hates over me. I wasn't important to him at all like he was to me.

I dealt with all the awful ways he treated me, believing that maybe someday everything would sort itself out and somehow we'd live happily ever after. That's what I get for trying so hard until the very end, huh?

Ever since I started dating him, I've become very cynical about the whole idea of "love". I don't understand why he even asked me out if he was going to follow Arab traditions of arranged marriages in the end. I feel like I was used just for him to kill time. I was perfectly fine without him. I was living a very content life. How can I be content now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have that one special person who you tell everything to? Who do I talk to now?

Sorry for the long post and if anything made no sense. I feel so heartbroken.

Stupid.

My boyfriend got mad at me because I was IMing someone when he linked a video for us to watch together. I kept switching between watching the video and IMing (we were in a discussion) and he realised this, and snapped to just forget about the video and to close it.

I felt bad and kept making sad noises like "Nn. :c" because he wasn't talking and I wanted to show him that I felt bad.

He got even more angry and slammed his desk a few times and yelled at me to stop it. "STOP MAKING THOSE NOISES. WHAT IS IT!? WHAT!"

Now I'm crying.

idk.

I cry really easily when people yell at me.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere.

18 now!

I turned 18 on 11th May but I completely forgot to make an entry about it. I also just realised that I haven't posted since March, lol. Everything's been going great with my relationship since that last big argument we had towards the end of February. I haven't noticed him flirting since then and he's been really lovely to me. c:

It was the last day of school yesterday. I'm done with secondary school forever, woo! But I have exams coming up before I'm completely done.

Onto the presents now!

My boyfriend got me an Arpakasso and my friends got me the rest of the stuff: a teddy bear, hair bow, hairpins, lipstick, chocolate, two gel eyeliners, false eyelash glue and silver eyeliner. <3

The lipstick colour is soooo pretty omg. I didn't filter that photo!

My boyfriend came up with the name Kassi for my Arpakasso but I've sorta just been calling her Arpa, lol. I'm uncreative with names. OTL She's so cute. <3 I've been cuddling her every time I go to sleep.

So yeah, everything is going pretty well in my life recently! It's been a while since I've felt so content with everything. I mean I'm kinda stressed out over the upcoming exams but hey, this is more than enough for me. :D Now that I think of it, I think it's all the arguments I've had with my boyfriend that's been making me so depressed before this. I had been feeling like life isn't worth living for because of all the drama and I was getting really pessimistic about the whole idea of love. I was so sure that I didn't want anything to do with men for the rest of my life after all the bad experiences I've had before I met my boyfriend, then I pretty much lost all faith in men after how he treated me and getting my emotions toyed with for 10 months. :/ It's all okay now though. I still feel kind of sad/angry when I think about the past, but he doesn't do any of the stuff he did anymore.

Can't think of anything else to say. I'll probably be gone for a while again because I have to study. You can find me on Tumblr and Instagram though. :D Bye bye~

Life Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. February had been an awful month for me and I had a lot of arguments with my boyfriend. I don't think it's worth mentioning though. I can't remember what each of them were specifically about anyway - it was probably just me being angry at the way he treats me and how he keeps flirting.

Though I do remember that near the end of February, we had a huge argument and came really close to breaking up. I couldn't go through it in the end. He told me he was tired of arguing all the time. I am too. All I'm asking is for him to stop flirting with other girls and to treat me with a little respect.

I should stop talking about depressing stuff, haha. On the bright side, things have been pretty good since then. It's been a bit over a month since our last argument. c: Usually we argue once a month so this is actually really good progress. Kinda sad, really.

He told me about a convo he had with a girl friend at work a week after the nude-girl incident. I noticed that it seemed really flirtatious so I confronted him about it a week or so ago. He admitted he was flirting and apologised, though at first he pretended he didn't remember me asking him not to flirt because he didn't want me to get mad. Oh well.

Oh and he promised me that he won't talk to nude-girl anymore but he did just the other day and I called him out on it. He apologised. I wasn't even the one who told him not to talk to her - he's the one who made that promise himself.

He's not keeping to his promises but hey, what can I do. At least he apologised, I guess. I've been calm and patient those two times he broke his promises. I think I might start to get pissed off if he does it one more time.

I hate talking about this because I can feel my anger building up slowly but I want to keep track of what's been going on. I really don't want to have another argument again. It's tiring and I'm always the only one who's getting hurt.

Anyway, onto non-relationship stuff.

I'm thinking of changing my name legally. I'm definitely getting my last name changed to my mom's because my dad sucks, and I want to change my first name because I never liked it all that much. Plus, my dad is the one who named me. I've been trying to decide between Emmy and Emi for the past few days. I asked a few friends and they all liked Emi, so I think that's what I'm going to go for. :D

Oh yeah, did you know it only costs £15 to get your name changed in the UK? I though it'd cost something in the hundreds. According to what I've read, you just need to get a legal document that proves your name change, then you have to change your name on your passport and other stuff yourself by showing them the document. So it's pretty simple. :D I think.

edit: Also, I've recently realised that I'm not a jealous person. I'm completely fine with my boyfriend having girl friends. Hell, I was even fine with him talking to a girl he used to be in love with, until he started asking her personal sex questions like what gets her wet. He has even gone on "dates" with other girls - eating and hanging out alone together. I was fine with that, because that's something you'd do with same-gender friends too. But flirting? Nope. I'm not going to happy with him going on a "date" with that work friend he flirts with anymore because that clearly shows he doesn't see her as just a friend but as a girl he's interested in, despite how much he denies it and says flirting doesn't mean anything.

Ugh, feeling my anger build up again. Gonna end this now.

Relationships suck.

Well. February so far has been awful. It's a really long story.

Basically my boyfriend has been flirting with another girl online and liked one of her nude pics she posted on a forum. I called him out on it. At first he apologised. I ranted to our mutual friend about it, who got really angry at his behaviour so she yelled at him.

I was taking a nap when she yelled at him. When I woke up, my boyfriend was suddenly acting off. He started yelling at me, accusing me of throwing him under the bus every time I get mad, yet I always expect him to be patient.

Some of the few things he said:
"Of course I'm always the bad guy, right?"
"What might be a big deal to you is not a big deal to me."
"I liked a picture. Big whoop."
"You're telling me that I did something wrong. I don't think I did. Sorry."

him: What do you want?
me: I just wish you were more aware of the boundaries in a relationship.
him: You say this like you're an expert. Didn't you ask me at one point what the normal boundaries were? What normal friends do and what normal couples do?
me: More of an expert than you are.
him: That's funny.

Then he told me that he asked for his best friend's opinion. He always listens to that guy. He basically invalidated my feelings based on what his friend said.

He gave me an attitude the day before too, when I asked him to try not to say anything misleading that would make me assume he's interested in another girl (this was before he admitted he was flirting with nude-girl).

Yesterday he told me that there's nothing wrong with flirting when you're in a relationship because it's not serious so it doesn't mean anything. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be flirting? Doesn't being in a relationship mean you're committed to that one person and so you shouldn't be playing around with other people?

Anyway, I wasn't able to change his mind. I did ask him if he was willing to stop flirting with other girls if I asked him to and he said yes. So I guess there's no problem now, unless he repeats what he does.

I don't know. I've been feeling very iffy since then. I feel like I'm losing my feelings for him? I used to be so happy when we could call - when I could see his face and hear his voice. But now I just don't feel anything at all. I felt nothing when he told me that I was pretty and how much he loved me. I don't know if it's because I've been depressed ever since that argument. I don't really feel happy anymore.

Everyone's been telling me to break up with him. My friends, my mom, strangers on the Internet, etc. They all tell me I deserve to be treated better. I hope we don't have to break up. We've had so many good memories and he does make me smile when he's not mad. We've agreed to calmly discuss it if I'm bothered by something he's doing, which I think is fair. But next time if I calmly talk to him and he still snaps, or if he still doesn't stop showing interest in other girls, then I'm afraid that's that. I don't want to be mistreated anymore.

For the first time in a long time, I cut myself again. My boyfriend found out and told me it wouldn't happen again. I really hope it doesn't. I'm tired of arguments and drama. I just want to have a stable relationship that makes me feel secure and content.

Oh and I was finally able to clear out my Whatsapp history with him. Whatsapp has been taking up a ton of space on my phone because I kept every single pic he sent and all of the texts. I didn't have the heart to delete them because memories are really important to me, but I was finally able to today. I wonder if it means something.

Pics for my store!

Finally got around to taking photos of myself wearing the clothes I want to sell on my online store. I had pictures of them just on coat-hangers but it didn't make them look very appealing. I really like how some of the pictures turned out so I'm posting them here. XD

 

 

It looks so much better than the coat-hanger pictures! :D Plus people can get an idea of what size they are. I still need to note down the material of each clothing to put in the description. I really hope people will buy my stuff, lol.

Short entry, sorry. Just wanted to keep the pics somewhere.

Jealous again.

Today I snapped at my boyfriend over Girl X. All the incidents just built up and snowballed until I finally couldn't take it anymore. He didn't do anything recently so I probably just looked crazy.

I finally asked him why he told Girl X "You're sweet. I like you.". He doesn't remember. Then he said he meant he just likes her as a friend. He seemed mad. I told him it was still weird to say that. He said he didn't think it was.

I asked him why he listens to everything Girl X says even though he disagrees when I tell him the exact same thing. He says it's only because it's two opinions versus one. I don't know if I believe him. How can someone immediately switch opinions when they were so adamant in the first place? He even got mad at me for it. But he doesn't get mad at Girl X. He listens to her.

He never put up a front around her. A while ago, I asked him if he's noticed that he has changed a lot since we've started dating (he used to be sweet and reassure me whenever I was mad at myself. Now he just gets mad). He said it was because he wasn't bothered with keeping up a good impression anymore. Is his love for me even real if he couldn't even be himself around me at the start? I just asked him about this and he was just being extra attentive to being nice and that he did it to the previous two girls he has liked too.

I wish that whenever I get jealous, he would reassure me with sweet words and tell me I'm the only one he loves. He didn't do that today and he sounded angry. I felt like he didn't care about me or about how I felt. I asked him to do that next time and he said okay, so hopefully he will.

I'm exhausted from crying so much today. I guess all my pent-up frustration blew off today. I still feel a small spurge of anger every now and then. I think I'm just angry at myself now. Angry that I showed him my weak side. Angry that he now knows how much power he has over me. Angry that I'm so weak and powerless. Should I even be angry over these things? Being possessive and prideful feels so awful and I don't want to be.

Christmas Presents + My Store

So I've finally opened my online store! I might change the name if I can think of a better one. At the moment it's pretty empty. I'm planning on selling some of my unwanted lightly-used clothes and more accessories.

Now onto my Christmas presents! Today was the last day of school so yaaay, winter holiday! I have exams the week after though. :I

This is a tin thing. Not sure what to put in it yet, but it's so pretty. *u*

Small box thing with a nail file!

Not much to say about each one since it's pretty obvious what they are, lol.

Oh, things are getting better with my boyfriend. We've cleared up the misunderstanding and for some reason, we're a lot closer than before. :D To be honest, I feel kinda apprehensive talking about the good parts of my relationship because something bad always happens after I do, though it'd be really nice to have good memories recorded down. :c

Not sure what else to say so I'll just end this here, sorry!

Broken.

He told me that he might fall in love with Girl X again if he kept talking to her all the time.

Sigh.

Long story. We had a long talk about it. I stayed up until 5 AM to try and resolve this whole thing. He didn't realise how bad what he said sounded. He said he wanted to limit his closeness with girls because he tends to fall in love with whoever he talks to the most. Is that all I'm worth? Is our relationship so fragile that his feelings would sway just from having a close girl friend? Is our relationship that worthless?

He says no. He tells me he loves me.

But he destroyed my trust in him. How can I trust him whenever he talks to girls now? I'll only be reminded that he could fall in love with each and any girl. To think he gave me so much shit for being insecure when I was right in being so this whole time.

Turns out it was a sort of misunderstanding because he worded it badly. What he meant to say was that he didn't see the point in being close with other girls when he already has me. I don't know how he managed to phrase it so badly without realising how much it could hurt me.

We keep having misunderstandings because of this. :/ He keeps phrasing things badly and making me misunderstand. He doesn't respect me either. Whenever we had arguments without Girl X stepping in as a mediator, it always ended with him telling me to change and that I'm the one at fault, that I'm the one with problems. When I tell him my point of view, he shuts out everything I say. But when Girl X steps in, she explains my feelings to him and he listens to her. He reconsiders everything. When Girl X steps in, we reach a mutual agreement that we both need to make some improvements. He respects her and see her as an equal, taking in her opinions, but he doesn't do the same for me. Why?

At first I was staying in this relationship because I believed the good times made up for the bad. But now I don't know anymore.

OOTD: Lazy Days + Update

New blog theme! :D This one's not has ridiculously girly as my last one, lol.

These outfits are from a few months ago but I didn't think of uploading them here. They're all pretty lazy OOTDs - just a simple top paired with skinny jeans.

Black shirt with hot pink sleeve + collar borders and a sequinned design.

Fitted red top.

Purple shirt with fake-studded design.

The sleeves are translucent with a super cute bow by the collar. *u*

Even this selfie is lazy.

Aside from that, I haven't gotten any offers from any universities yet. I've submitted a portfolio just today and still need to get around to sending another one. I have an interview in exactly a week! ; ~; I'm actually not feeling nervous just yet - I don't think the realisation has kicked in yet. I should start preparing for it too.

The past two weeks have been super stressful because I had a lot of school work and then something happened to my boyfriend. Things have calmed down now - he's not moving out anymore. But this means we can't vidchat anymore while he's at home. Voice-calling should be safe, but we haven't been doing a lot of that either. :x We had an argument (well, more of a disagreement) the other day too. He was talking about another girl again whom he felt like was hitting on him. He said, "I'd be dumb to let you go over a risk since I know you better", which seemed to imply that the only reason he's sticking with me is because I'm "safe". He snapped at me a few days before that too, because I was blaming myself again for getting him in trouble. I ranted to a mutual friend (it was Girl X, actually. She's really nice, haha) and she said she's going to have a talk to my boyfriend about this since it wasn't fair that I was being treated like this.

Our argument led from the way he keeps wording things badly and causing me to misunderstand, to how he always gets angry at me now when I'm sad rather than being sweet like he did during the first few months of our relationships, to how I'm always sad for "no reason" and "never talk" in calls. I do talk a lot more in our calls now. A lot more than I did before. I'm still not fully conversational and talkative because I've always been shy and awkward, but I'm slowly getting used to it. It makes me sad when he keeps bringing that up as a problem all the time and accusing me of not trying when I've already made some progress. :c He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert, so he finds it hard to understand why it's so difficult for me to just talk. I told him how bad my social anxiety is: a few weeks ago, I raised my hand in front of a large class. All I did was ask the teacher a question, but afterwards I realised my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop the shaking. After he heard that, I think he felt bad and apologised. I apologised too for being so incompetent.

I think we have disagreements quite a lot compared to normal couples. Or maybe just our mutual friend is in a healthy, balanced relationship. Anyway, I'm going to try to stop being sad so often now. I really just need to get over my dumb insecurity issues and ask him if I misunderstand anything instead of being passive-aggressive. My insecurity issues were getting better the week before the whole thing with his parents happened. But then after receiving a hoard of texts from his older sister (married with kids) telling me that I was breaking apart their family and that if I really loved him, I'd break up with him, I think my problems came back again. Sigh. It'll take a while before I can really get better.

It's been a while!

It's been 2 months since my last post but I thought I'd just say I'm alive and well. My relationship has been pretty unstable - more so than before - and we had a lot of conflict and serious talks, but things are going okay now (I hope I don't jinx it). I hope everything continues smoothly. :D

Life seems alright. Things are kind of hectic though because I've submitted my university application and I have a ton of art work to do as well as a bigass essay to write. So far I've received one interview offer and a task to do that shortlists the applicants who will be invited for an interview.

I had to IM my dad last week to get him to send us money, which was annoying as hell (you can read all the douchebaggy things he did in my older entries). It put me in a bad mood for the entire day and I kept getting angry. I have to talk to him regularly now for a few years at least, ugh. I don't know how much of this I can handle. :/

Actually I guess I'm pretty exhausted. I have so much to do. x__x

OOTD: Black Bear Dress

I don't think I've made any OOTD posts, haha. Not one in itself anyway.

So this is my outfit for today. My mom and I accompanied my brother to the train station since he's going away for university. It's just going to be me and my mom in the house now.

(Please excuse the dirty mirror.)

This dress is a bit too long for me. :c I was holding it up in the first pic. I think shorter looks cuter. I've only realised recently that a lot of my clothes are either too baggy or too long on me. I don't know if I can adjust them to fit me perfectly. x__x

Sorry this entry is so short and boring. Wanted to post something other than ranting about relationships for a change. I've been so moody the past few days. D:

Who even does that?

So I thought things were looking up for me again, but nope. How wrong I was to think maybe things would finally calm down. Nothing will ever be stable if there's a relationship involved.

I thought I've finally come to terms with my boyfriend talking to Girl X. The three of us were in a group chat once and it was a lot of fun. She's really nice and I actually do like her and enjoy her company. So I convinced myself that they were simply just friends - nothing more.

But... they've been talking to each other privately about weird things. About sexual stuff. My boyfriend always told me he'd never talk about it with a friend (we were confused about something I think, and I told him to ask one of his closest guy friends) because it'd be weird, so... why is he talking to another girl about it? Girl X has told him how she and her boyfriend did some touchy-feely stuff and how he was unzipping her pants. She also told him how she asked her boyfriend if he'd want a blowjob/handjob. And just now my boyfriend told me he asked her what gets her wet and she said it happens when she makes out with her boyfriend.

Isn't that kind of weird...? Do friends even ask each other that? Isn't it weirder since they're of the opposite gender? I'd never say things like that to a guy friend. It's just weird. It's something personal that I'd keep to myself. And even if I really wanted to tell someone all those details for some reason, I'd only tell my closest girl friend.

I don't get it. I thought I was finally okay with the two of them talking now and I do like Girl X, but... this is making it really hard for me. And these are only the few things my boyfriend has mentioned to me. Who knows what else they talk about? :/ As far as I know, he hasn't talked about sexual stuff with any of his other friends, so why only Girl X?

I want to cry again.

I really hate how pathetic I am. I don't have the guts to confront him about it. I don't even have the guts to just break things off. I also hate how all of my recent diary entries are so depressing and whiny.

I really wish I had a friend to talk to.