Saturday, 19 September 2015

I'm alive!

The summer holidays flew by and now I'm going back to university this Sunday. I'll be living in dorms again. I'm not looking forward to the food and the amount of socialising required, but I'm hoping to make new (lasting) friends this time round. Last year I only had Chinese international/exchange students as my friends. They're all leaving the country eventually and they don't have Facebook so it makes it awkward to keep in contact. My Mandarin isn't too great either so it's difficult to keep up in conversations.

I haven't been up to much otherwise. I went on a trip to Pretzfeld, Germany with my boyfriend and his family, which was nice. I tried to look for some freelance jobs I could do on Fiverr but didn't have much luck. I also started up a T-shirt store but again, no luck with sales. It doesn't seem like there's any convenient jobs that I can take on other than proper part-time jobs, which would be risky to juggle during an architecture course. I looked into other freelancing sites but they just weren't very user friendly and appeared to be aimed at full-time freelancers rather than students without any experience.

I've been looking at copy-typing jobs since that appears to be the only thing I'm really good at. I did a quick online test and had a typing speed of 100 wpm. Not as fast as I used to be (130 wpm) but it's still a lot faster than the average person. All other jobs ask for qualifications of some sort.

So I guess I just need to be patient. I can't wait to graduate and begin job-hunting. I just want to do something productive. Anything. I feel restless.

I did do one sort-of productive thing during the summer though. I've learnt to recognise all hiragana characters. I've still yet to tackle katakana though.

...Literally just got distracted and started learning katakana, so I'll be cutting this entry short.

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Get over it.

So apparently my ex has been writing a LOT of stuff about me on forums. Mostly negative comments. Jesus fuck, leave me alone. It's been almost a year since we broke up so I don't know why he's still talking about me and obsessing over me. Get the fuck over it. :/

It's making me extremely uncomfortable. He's disgusting and pathetic.

Just wanted to rage somewhere.

Friday, 24 April 2015

Just dropping in.

Sorry for disappearing again. I don't really blog much about my life anyway these days. I don't really have much to talk about. Back when I was blogging regularly, it was because I was feeling down and wanted to write my feelings somewhere no one knows me in real life. Since not a lot of people read my blog anyway, I feel less motivated to write about other stuff.

I've been pretty happy though. ^^ I've been on Easter holiday for almost a month. I'm going back to uni in two days. Looking forward to see my boyfriend again. I miss hugging him. Life's been good.

I feel scared to talk about the good parts of my life sometimes. During my last relationship (which I've realised was pretty much an abusive relationship...), whenever I wrote about how things were calming down, more drama would happen because my ex loved to start shit. It was really exhausting.

I wrote a happy post on my Tumblr the other day, talking about how good my life is. I kept feeling very paranoid that someone (namely my ex) might read it and be all bitter about it. He'd start posting shit about my on forums like he did last time when he saw that I got a new boyfriend. People like him are pathetic.

I think I'm still traumatised by everything that happened. :/ I still feel afraid sometimes even though I shouldn't be anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Hopefully time will heal my wounds.

I'm okay otherwise though. Around 2 months of uni left and I'll be done with my first year. :D I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future. I used to want to be an architect, but I'm not so sure anymore. The course is 7-8 years long and the starting salary isn't even that great. I can't even just do the first part of Architecture and be an architectural assistant for the rest of my life since they only earn £20,000/year max. :/ I'm hoping to be able to switch to game design of some sort without needing more studies. For now I can only just stick with Architecture since I don't want to have wasted a whole year of university fees.

That's all I really have to talk about. I'll drop in again some other day. :p

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Back for a bit!

Hello, lurkers. I've neglected this blog for quite some time and a lot of things have changed in my life since.

I'm now a somewhat proud university student! University life is pretty good and it's nice having a fresh new start without being constrained by people's judgements. I'm also no longer sad about the breakup with my ex (actually I stopped being sad like a few days after the breakup, but I still get a bit angry when I think about how he had treated me). We were friends for a while, then after around a month when I began university and started meeting guys, he started acting incredibly bitter every time I mentioned something about a guy, even though he was the one who told me to tell him about them. So I cut off my friendship with him and boy am I glad to be rid of a jealous bitch.

My self-esteem has gone up immensely ever since the breakup. Looking back on that unhealthy relationship, I really wonder what I was even thinking. I met a wonderful guy in university and we started dating, and it's pretty astounding when I compare my new relationship with my old one. With my current boyfriend, I feel things I've never felt before towards my ex. I get all girly whenever he compliments me (squealing, aww-ing, rolling on the bed kicking the mattress, etc.), which is a first for me. He's far more independent too but also affectionate, so I get the attention I want as well as not being suffocated at the same time. My ex was way too insecure and always tried to blame everything on me. I probably began mirroring his behaviour at some point. Obviously he'd never accept that he's insecure and problematic. The way he'd try to convince me that I had clinical depression was ridiculous too.

I think he went on my Tumblr blog the other day and saw my posts about my new boyfriend, so he said some shit about me behind my back. Probably out of jealousy since he's a jealous bitch. He's been using dating websites and apps for months but he still can't get any. ʅฺ(・ω・。)ʃฺ

My architecture course is going okay. I came across the fundamental problem that occurs in all design-based courses: different tutors have different opinions about your design. One might decide that it's shit and another might tell you it's fine the way it is. Sigh. It just confuses me because I don't know which one to go for. It'll probably work out somehow.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say for now. I've become really bad at writing about my life. I used to be able to talk about nonsense for the longest time and really enjoyed doing so, but in the past year or so I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore? I dunno. I just wanted to write this entry to let anyone out there reading my blog know that I'm doing okay (especially since my last entry was so depressing). A burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've moved on and am still moving on with my life. ^^

Thursday, 21 August 2014

We broke up.

We were really happy for a few months after he sorted out his flirting problem. Then he had to choose between his family or me. He chose his family.

I don't blame him for choosing his family, but it seems like he had lied about taking me seriously. He just seems really fickle. Months ago, he was always talking about how he hates his family and how he wants to get away from all the Arab traditions. All of a sudden, he just... changed.

Apparently his sister asked him a week ago while they were on holiday about what he thinks will happen to us in the future. The issue has been bothering him since. I don't know why he didn't discuss this with me earlier and only brought it up because it was somewhat relevant to a conversation we were having.

I thought he had been acting distant ever since he came back from holiday. I pointed this out to him and he said he wasn't. What really upsets me is that he had been shamelessly asking me to show him my body when he knew perfectly well that he had no intentions of having a future together. He'd literally beg me when I said no.

I think I'm far too nice for my own good. Every single thing that he has done to me I had forgiven. The way he had trashed my self-esteem and told me I wasn't good enough. The way he tossed me aside while he was holiday and said I was annoying. The moment he comes back, he just wants to see my body. He only wanted me when he needed me. I put up so much fucking bullshit. I couldn't even vent out all of my pent-up resentment and frustration in the end. I couldn't express all of the horrible things he had done to me so that he could at least repent.

But fuck, he has also done nice things for me to. Buying me presents, cheering me up (sometimes) when I'm sad by singing badly and goofing around, telling me that I'm beautiful.

It's so hard because I don't know if he's worth my kindness. Or maybe I'm just weak. If I were stronger and tougher, I'd cut him out of my life instead of asking if we can just go back to being friends. He liked the idea of being friends. Maybe I should've just told him what a shitty boyfriend he had been and how he had completely wrecked me.

Hearing the words "I love you" everyday really becomes addicting. I just don't want to lose him completely. I'm just so fucking lonely. I have no friends. He was pretty much the only person I've really opened up to in the recent years.

This rant is a complete mess, sorry. It's hard to think straight. It just hurts so much that he'd choose the family he claimed he hates over me. I wasn't important to him at all like he was to me.

I dealt with all the awful ways he treated me, believing that maybe someday everything would sort itself out and somehow we'd live happily ever after. That's what I get for trying so hard until the very end, huh?

Ever since I started dating him, I've become very cynical about the whole idea of "love". I don't understand why he even asked me out if he was going to follow Arab traditions of arranged marriages in the end. I feel like I was used just for him to kill time. I was perfectly fine without him. I was living a very content life. How can I be content now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have that one special person who you tell everything to? Who do I talk to now?

Sorry for the long post and if anything made no sense. I feel so heartbroken.