Monday 24 October 2011

Half-Term Holiday

I'm on half-term holiday - this means no school for a week! Yay! :D So here's an update of everything that happened in the last week of school:

For some reason, three girls gave me dirty looks. I have no idea why. D: I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything, nor do I even know them. All I literally did was walk past them in the corridors. Then while I was organising the books in my locker, someone walked past me and whacked my head with her bag. There was something hard in it too, like a plastic box or something. She turned around to look at me, knowing that her bag hit me, but she didn't apologise. I swear a lot of people in my school hate me for some reason. Maybe someone's been spreading rumours. Again. *sigh*

My 'best friend's iMedia project wasn't working this week and I secretly laughed at her. > >; That probably sounded mean, but it serves her right for stealing my programming idea. A teacher fixed it for her though. Oh well.

I can't wait for college. I want to start a new life with new real friends. I want to become stronger so that when people indirectly bully me, I can actually fight back instead of having them treat me like a piece of crap. But college students wouldn't do immature things like spreading rumours anyway, right?

I went to Chinatown today. No pictures though; I don't usually take a camera with me. I didn't really do anything there either and just brought food and ate. I somehow smudged my makeup at some point during the day, so I didn't realise that I had panda eyes till I got home. D:

...Bleh, boring.

I have some homework to do so I'm just going to list them out here.
  • Write 3 essays.
  • Write answer to French writing test.
  • Catch up on art stuff.
Doesn't look like a lot in a list, but each of them would take a long time to do. :(

I want more blog readers and more blogs to follow~ ;-;

Friday 14 October 2011

Tired

After all the events in my previous blog entry, my dad's now completely normal and extra nice to me, as if nothing had happened. He didn't even apologise or talk about it. I want to ask him why he suddenly got mad, but then he would only flip out again. I seriously think he has a personality disorder or something like that.

I'm super sleepy right now, so I might make several typos or type sentences that don't make sense.

I have added lots of people in my year group from my school on Facebook but I never talk to them, neither online nor in real life. For some reason, three people talked to me this week. Weird.

I have a Latin test next Thursday, and did a mini biology test this Thursday (what's with Thursdays?). I lost two marks because I misread the question. It was something I had known too. D: My 'best friend' was bragging about how easy it was, but she didn't even get 100% and got a lower score than me. My worst subject is biology too. xD; She keeps bragging about how easy tests are, but she always gets a lower score than me whenever she does. Some people should be more humble, otherwise they make themselves look stupid when they say that something is easy but end up getting it all wrong. ><;

It's really cold~ I should go to sleep soon even though I normally sleep at 2 - 3 AM.

I'm going to label every single school subject I talk about from now on, so if people are interested in how much I fail at a subject, they can read all the posts on it with just a click. :D Plus, it would be easier for me to look back at my progress.

I actually keep a handwritten journal in real life, but I don't update it regularly. The stuff I write in it are really private and I just scribble whatever comes into my mind, including lots of swear words and grammar fails. xP I use it when I'm too upset to type a rant on my laptop, like the argument I had with my dad though I did blog about it too.

I write stuff that I regret sometimes when I re-read my journal. They sort of make me go, "Whaat! I used to think like that!?". I read an entry about my 'best friend' as well. At the time when I had written it, I didn't know what she was really like - two-faced and whatnot. She's been pretty nice lately though, which makes me feel bad for thinking of her as a bad friend. She still doesn't do stuff that a best friend should do though, like standing up for you when you're being bullied.

I think I'll just end this entry here.

Sunday 9 October 2011

Crying

I'm crying so much right now.

I regret everything I did for my dad. I'm not religious but I've often prayed to God, wishing for him to have a long life and to not condemn him because of the way he treats my mom sometimes. Even despite how unreasonable he is to me sometimes, I pray for him not to die or get an illness.

I guess it's too late. He's already gotten some kind of a mental illness long before I started praying. He's not the dad I loved anymore.

This is what happened just earlier on today:
I was just sitting at my laptop doing homework while biting on my lips, then he started yelling at me for doing it, telling me that my lips would become fat like a black person's (<--he was being racist...).
Me: My lips won't become fat from biting, but I don't really mind if it does.
Dad: Oh, so you don't care!?
Me: Not really.
Dad: Your lips will become fat and ugly when you're older! You can pay for plastic surgery yourself if that happens!!
Me: Okay.
Dad: Pathetic...

I was in a completely neutral mood at that time, even though he had hurt my feelings really badly by calling me "pathetic" and I was already close to crying then. He happened to get a phone call right afterwards so I ranted to an offline Skype friend while he conversed. It's sick how fake he's suddenly sounding when he's speaking to someone else. After he hung up, my mom came into the living room and asked what happened. My dad started telling her how I'm a bad daughter, etc etc.

I got so upset that I burst into tears, saying that I couldn't take it anymore. My mom was really shocked and asked me what happened, so I explained to her while crying. My dad just gave me this disgusted look and called me crazy.

We just argued to and fro from there. My mom tried to help by telling my dad that I would be able to stop biting my lips slowly with step-by-step encouragement like how I stopped biting my fingers, but he just refused to believe it and said that the only reason I stopped biting my fingers was thanks to him.

I told him that it was thanks to all of the people who have encouraged me to stop biting them, and that it wasn't just him alone. All I said was this sentence; no swear words, no insults, nothing. Then he just exploded. He started insulting himself, saying "OH, SO I'M AN IDIOT NOW, HUH? SO I'M A BASTARD, HUH?"

I said that I never said those, and he just carried on insulting himself and spazzing out. It just went on and on, with my dad saying that I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I should listen to everything he says because he earns the family's income. I asked him what was wrong with me earning my own money to get plastic surgery, and he was like "OH THEN GO EARN MONEY NOW THEN! BUT YOU CAN'T, HUH??? EXACTLY!!!!"

I didn't even say that I was going to get surgery with his money. He was the one who suggested for me to get surgery in the first place.

I just feel like shit right now. My dad still doesn't know that I used to cut myself in the past because of him, because he said I was a "waste of money and time". If I were a waste of money, then maybe I should just go and die. That would save him money and he can get insurance or something.

This probably sounds really scary but my hands have this weird itch, like I want to take something sharp and plunge it into my skin (I'm not going to though). I just feel like dying and rotting in the ground. I remember all the things I do for my dad. I never buy expensive clothes, complain about having no pocket money or whine to go to expensive places. That's because I don't want to trouble him or waste his money. Instead, he uses his money to buy an iPad, new mobile phones and new laptops. Sure, he earnt the money himself so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but that doesn't mean I'm his slave. That doesn't mean that I have to jump off a cliff if he orders me to.

I just feel so sad. I wish I was dead.

-

Update: Feeling a lot better now.

Saturday 8 October 2011

School Updates

Another update on my latest week at school. :D

A thief (most likely the same one) stole my money again yesterday. Why me? ;-; They did it while I was in the exact same lesson at the same time period. Like I said in the blog entry before my previous one, we put our bags outside the classroom in shelves during DT class. When my money was stolen the first time, I had put my bag in the middle row, so I thought that maybe the thief happened to see mine first and decided to steal from me. But this time, I placed my bag in the top row so this means the thief is probably the same person and has some sort of a grudge against me. D: I don't think I've hurt anybody before though...

I'm super mad at the stupid thief. I want to arrange some kind of a trap to catch her somehow. Maybe I could attach a bucket of food colouring to the end of my bag and then place it on the top shelf, so when the thief pulls out my bag, the bucket will come toppling over her head. Then all I have to do to find her is to look for someone with food colouring all over them, har har. I'd have to sacrifice my bag though, and it's a really nice bag with a pretty ribbon on it. Don't want to~ ;-;

Maybe I'll just provoke the thief instead, if she decides to steal from me the third time. I'm going to print pictures of money and put them inside my purse, and write "HAHA, DUMBASS" on it. xD Someone should invent a heat-sensitive phone so that when someone touches it, a loud alarm will sound off. Then they should have a remote control to go with it, like a car, so that the owner can turn the alarm mode on and off. I'd be willing to pay a lot for something like that!

-

Moving on to another topic:
My 'best friend' randomly accuses me of being racist during my art lesson. I have no idea why. We were painting our self-portraits and she said that she couldn't mix her own skin colour (she's South Asian) on the palette. I thought it was really difficult or something, so I tried mixing it and it turned out exactly like her skin colour.

She said, "I don't want to be that dark!"
She had no issue (nor did anyone else) with herself being dark-skinned before, so I was a bit confused and said, "Then add white paint to make it lighter?"
Then she replied sort of quietly, "That's racist..."

I asked her what was so racist about adding white paint, and she didn't even say anything (I'm sure she heard me because I repeated my question several times). If anything, she's the one being racist because she's accusing me just because I'm not the same race as her. A person wouldn't normally accuse someone from their own race of being racist to them, so it's clear that she's differentiating her skin colour from mine.

Speaking of which, aren't the people who say "You're racist!" the real racist ones? For example, let's say Person 1 is from one race, and Person 2 is from another. If Person 1 punches Person 2, and Person 2  says "Person 1 is racist because he punched me just because I'm (Person 2's race)!"
I would think that Person 2 is being racist, because he's the one who's separating his race from Person 1's. It's like saying "You're (Person 1's race), so that means you must be punching me just because I'm (Person 2's race). You're (Person 1's race), so you're racist."
 I'm not sure if what I typed made sense, but I'll just leave it there.

I can't wait to move on to college where I can start a whole new life with new people. :c Hopefully, I'll get into a good one with lots of mature students that I can have proper conversations with. Sometimes I just feel really out of place in my school (at least, in my class).

Thursday 6 October 2011

Ramble, Ramble

As you can tell from my new profile picture on Blogspot, I've adopted a new style~! :D It looks really different from my older photos, although I never actually had a full fringe (fringe extension!). Also, I've decided to stop editing on eyelashes since they look fake and bleh. ;;

Nothing much happened lately. I read some of my previous blog entries and they were full of typos and grammar fails. I don't want to correct them though, unless they're really obvious mistakes.

I want to take psychology in 12th grade. I'm interested in learning how the human mind words and what makes people the way they are. But the psychology teacher in my school said that you have to be good at English and geography or history. I don't excel in any of those subjects. D: The only subjects I think I'm good at are maths and art (though I fail at annotating and talking about paintings).

On a slightly random note, I don't believe in getting 100%s in creative or writing subjects like English, art, DT, etc. Doesn't 100% practically mean perfection? Is it possible to write or draw something completely perfectly, without a single flaw? I don't think so. I've gotten 100%s before in my art exams, but I still find it weird. That's why I like maths exams more (as long as the questions are fairly easy, hehe), where the answers are always clear and definite.

I guess I'm just rambling on here. I have nothing to do. x-x

I missed my ex-friend Bubble the other day. We had a lot of memories together and I always tell her everything that happens in my life, like family arguments, anime, school, etc. I started to wonder if I misunderstood her and overreacted, making a big deal out of nothing. Then I realised that if she really cared, she would have sent me a message to ask me where I've been since I just disappeared without a word. It makes me feel sad that she's willing to throw away everything we had before. I would have been willing to come back and forget about everything if she had sent a message. I guess some people just don't know how to appreciate things, even after they've lost it. I guess this is what two-years of friendship was worth. ;-;

Saturday 1 October 2011

Stolen

A few days ago, I found out that my 'best friend' stole an idea I had for my iMedia project. In iMedia, you basically focus on graphic designs and learn about copyrights, or something like that. Our current project was to design a furniture website. I programmed mine so that when you click on the image of a furniture, a small window pops up with more details on the furniture and everything in the background fades into a darker colour. The programming of that feature was pretty easy, but it was just long and time-consuming to do.

When I was finished with the programming, I was really excited because it made my website look professional, so I showed it to my 'best friend'. Ironically, despite having just learnt about copyright issues, she decided to steal my idea and pass it off as her own. I was really annoyed when I found out. She could have at least asked me if she could do something based on my idea, like what another one of my friends did when we were making clay sculptures. She's stolen my ideas before in then past and gotten credit for it, but iMedia is a professional course that even adults take when they're becoming a graphic designer. Our projects would be sent off to the examiners when we've finished everything. Copying my ideas for a small thing like school homework is one thing, but copying my ideas for an examination is completely different.

I couldn't even say anything to my 'best friend'. If I did, she would have told another girl in my class who spreads rumours all the time, and twist the story to make it look like I'm the one who's wrong.

That's not only the thing that was stolen from me this week. During my Design & Technology classes, we always put our bags in open shelves outside the room. Some idiot decided to steal money from my bag. There aren't any security cameras in my school, so there's no way of catching the thief. Whoever stole it must have been a pathetic girl who wanted money to buy a ton of makeup to cover up her ugly face. *insult insult insult* But seriously, why me? There's up to twenty other bags in that shelf. Why did the thief only steal my money and not anyone else's?

The thief left my bag open, so I immediately knew that someone went through my bag. I'm slightly OCD, so I always zip up my bag properly. As soon as I found some of my money missing (not sure exactly how much though), I got mad and said "Some bitch stole my money. D:<". The people who heard me were like "OMG! Did you just swear? O_O" because I never, ever, ever swear in real life. It was kind of funny. xD

While I was walking to my next lesson, a girl asked me how much was stolen from me, so I said "I'm not sure, but it could have been up to £20." Then my 'best friend' started ordering me around, saying things like "Don't say you have £20 in your bag, or people will think you're weird. Don't start cursing in the middle of... *mumblemumble*" (Couldn't hear what she said at the end because she speaks really quietly and mumbles, yet she gets mad at me for speaking too quietly. "omggg i cant hear wut ur seying!!!!111!!" You'd think she'd be able to understand.)
I just told her that I didn't care. >>;; How is it weird to have £20 anyway? Too much money? Is it weird to have a lot of money? Oh wait, does that mean Bill Gates is the biggest weirdo in the world? -_-

So yeah, quite a lot of un-normal stuff happened this week. D: I can't wait for sixth form (12th grade). My school sorts out the students with bad grades from the ones with good grades and practically kicks them out. xD This might sound mean, but I hope my 'best friend' drops out. She really just treats me like crap sometimes. It's okay to still be friends with her, but she's not someone to be a close friend with. She starts thinking of you as her property and thinks she can mistreat you, because she gets the idea that you can't find another friend as a replacement. Sadly, that's exactly how I am. I don't know anyone else in the class I can trust and become friends with.

Oh and my school gets new people from other schools to join sixth form,so maybe I can befriend some of them! I did see a mean girl from my primary school though. I hope she doesn't get in. D: