Jealous again.

Today I snapped at my boyfriend over Girl X. All the incidents just built up and snowballed until I finally couldn't take it anymore. He didn't do anything recently so I probably just looked crazy.

I finally asked him why he told Girl X "You're sweet. I like you.". He doesn't remember. Then he said he meant he just likes her as a friend. He seemed mad. I told him it was still weird to say that. He said he didn't think it was.

I asked him why he listens to everything Girl X says even though he disagrees when I tell him the exact same thing. He says it's only because it's two opinions versus one. I don't know if I believe him. How can someone immediately switch opinions when they were so adamant in the first place? He even got mad at me for it. But he doesn't get mad at Girl X. He listens to her.

He never put up a front around her. A while ago, I asked him if he's noticed that he has changed a lot since we've started dating (he used to be sweet and reassure me whenever I was mad at myself. Now he just gets mad). He said it was because he wasn't bothered with keeping up a good impression anymore. Is his love for me even real if he couldn't even be himself around me at the start? I just asked him about this and he was just being extra attentive to being nice and that he did it to the previous two girls he has liked too.

I wish that whenever I get jealous, he would reassure me with sweet words and tell me I'm the only one he loves. He didn't do that today and he sounded angry. I felt like he didn't care about me or about how I felt. I asked him to do that next time and he said okay, so hopefully he will.

I'm exhausted from crying so much today. I guess all my pent-up frustration blew off today. I still feel a small spurge of anger every now and then. I think I'm just angry at myself now. Angry that I showed him my weak side. Angry that he now knows how much power he has over me. Angry that I'm so weak and powerless. Should I even be angry over these things? Being possessive and prideful feels so awful and I don't want to be.

Christmas Presents + My Store

So I've finally opened my online store! I might change the name if I can think of a better one. At the moment it's pretty empty. I'm planning on selling some of my unwanted lightly-used clothes and more accessories.

Now onto my Christmas presents! Today was the last day of school so yaaay, winter holiday! I have exams the week after though. :I

This is a tin thing. Not sure what to put in it yet, but it's so pretty. *u*

Small box thing with a nail file!

Not much to say about each one since it's pretty obvious what they are, lol.

Oh, things are getting better with my boyfriend. We've cleared up the misunderstanding and for some reason, we're a lot closer than before. :D To be honest, I feel kinda apprehensive talking about the good parts of my relationship because something bad always happens after I do, though it'd be really nice to have good memories recorded down. :c

Not sure what else to say so I'll just end this here, sorry!

Broken.

He told me that he might fall in love with Girl X again if he kept talking to her all the time.

Sigh.

Long story. We had a long talk about it. I stayed up until 5 AM to try and resolve this whole thing. He didn't realise how bad what he said sounded. He said he wanted to limit his closeness with girls because he tends to fall in love with whoever he talks to the most. Is that all I'm worth? Is our relationship so fragile that his feelings would sway just from having a close girl friend? Is our relationship that worthless?

He says no. He tells me he loves me.

But he destroyed my trust in him. How can I trust him whenever he talks to girls now? I'll only be reminded that he could fall in love with each and any girl. To think he gave me so much shit for being insecure when I was right in being so this whole time.

Turns out it was a sort of misunderstanding because he worded it badly. What he meant to say was that he didn't see the point in being close with other girls when he already has me. I don't know how he managed to phrase it so badly without realising how much it could hurt me.

We keep having misunderstandings because of this. :/ He keeps phrasing things badly and making me misunderstand. He doesn't respect me either. Whenever we had arguments without Girl X stepping in as a mediator, it always ended with him telling me to change and that I'm the one at fault, that I'm the one with problems. When I tell him my point of view, he shuts out everything I say. But when Girl X steps in, she explains my feelings to him and he listens to her. He reconsiders everything. When Girl X steps in, we reach a mutual agreement that we both need to make some improvements. He respects her and see her as an equal, taking in her opinions, but he doesn't do the same for me. Why?

At first I was staying in this relationship because I believed the good times made up for the bad. But now I don't know anymore.

OOTD: Lazy Days + Update

New blog theme! :D This one's not has ridiculously girly as my last one, lol.

These outfits are from a few months ago but I didn't think of uploading them here. They're all pretty lazy OOTDs - just a simple top paired with skinny jeans.

Black shirt with hot pink sleeve + collar borders and a sequinned design.

Fitted red top.

Purple shirt with fake-studded design.

The sleeves are translucent with a super cute bow by the collar. *u*

Even this selfie is lazy.

Aside from that, I haven't gotten any offers from any universities yet. I've submitted a portfolio just today and still need to get around to sending another one. I have an interview in exactly a week! ; ~; I'm actually not feeling nervous just yet - I don't think the realisation has kicked in yet. I should start preparing for it too.

The past two weeks have been super stressful because I had a lot of school work and then something happened to my boyfriend. Things have calmed down now - he's not moving out anymore. But this means we can't vidchat anymore while he's at home. Voice-calling should be safe, but we haven't been doing a lot of that either. :x We had an argument (well, more of a disagreement) the other day too. He was talking about another girl again whom he felt like was hitting on him. He said, "I'd be dumb to let you go over a risk since I know you better", which seemed to imply that the only reason he's sticking with me is because I'm "safe". He snapped at me a few days before that too, because I was blaming myself again for getting him in trouble. I ranted to a mutual friend (it was Girl X, actually. She's really nice, haha) and she said she's going to have a talk to my boyfriend about this since it wasn't fair that I was being treated like this.

Our argument led from the way he keeps wording things badly and causing me to misunderstand, to how he always gets angry at me now when I'm sad rather than being sweet like he did during the first few months of our relationships, to how I'm always sad for "no reason" and "never talk" in calls. I do talk a lot more in our calls now. A lot more than I did before. I'm still not fully conversational and talkative because I've always been shy and awkward, but I'm slowly getting used to it. It makes me sad when he keeps bringing that up as a problem all the time and accusing me of not trying when I've already made some progress. :c He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert, so he finds it hard to understand why it's so difficult for me to just talk. I told him how bad my social anxiety is: a few weeks ago, I raised my hand in front of a large class. All I did was ask the teacher a question, but afterwards I realised my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop the shaking. After he heard that, I think he felt bad and apologised. I apologised too for being so incompetent.

I think we have disagreements quite a lot compared to normal couples. Or maybe just our mutual friend is in a healthy, balanced relationship. Anyway, I'm going to try to stop being sad so often now. I really just need to get over my dumb insecurity issues and ask him if I misunderstand anything instead of being passive-aggressive. My insecurity issues were getting better the week before the whole thing with his parents happened. But then after receiving a hoard of texts from his older sister (married with kids) telling me that I was breaking apart their family and that if I really loved him, I'd break up with him, I think my problems came back again. Sigh. It'll take a while before I can really get better.

It's been a while!

It's been 2 months since my last post but I thought I'd just say I'm alive and well. My relationship has been pretty unstable - more so than before - and we had a lot of conflict and serious talks, but things are going okay now (I hope I don't jinx it). I hope everything continues smoothly. :D

Life seems alright. Things are kind of hectic though because I've submitted my university application and I have a ton of art work to do as well as a bigass essay to write. So far I've received one interview offer and a task to do that shortlists the applicants who will be invited for an interview.

I had to IM my dad last week to get him to send us money, which was annoying as hell (you can read all the douchebaggy things he did in my older entries). It put me in a bad mood for the entire day and I kept getting angry. I have to talk to him regularly now for a few years at least, ugh. I don't know how much of this I can handle. :/

Actually I guess I'm pretty exhausted. I have so much to do. x__x

OOTD: Black Bear Dress

I don't think I've made any OOTD posts, haha. Not one in itself anyway.

So this is my outfit for today. My mom and I accompanied my brother to the train station since he's going away for university. It's just going to be me and my mom in the house now.

(Please excuse the dirty mirror.)

This dress is a bit too long for me. :c I was holding it up in the first pic. I think shorter looks cuter. I've only realised recently that a lot of my clothes are either too baggy or too long on me. I don't know if I can adjust them to fit me perfectly. x__x

Sorry this entry is so short and boring. Wanted to post something other than ranting about relationships for a change. I've been so moody the past few days. D:

Who even does that?

So I thought things were looking up for me again, but nope. How wrong I was to think maybe things would finally calm down. Nothing will ever be stable if there's a relationship involved.

I thought I've finally come to terms with my boyfriend talking to Girl X. The three of us were in a group chat once and it was a lot of fun. She's really nice and I actually do like her and enjoy her company. So I convinced myself that they were simply just friends - nothing more.

But... they've been talking to each other privately about weird things. About sexual stuff. My boyfriend always told me he'd never talk about it with a friend (we were confused about something I think, and I told him to ask one of his closest guy friends) because it'd be weird, so... why is he talking to another girl about it? Girl X has told him how she and her boyfriend did some touchy-feely stuff and how he was unzipping her pants. She also told him how she asked her boyfriend if he'd want a blowjob/handjob. And just now my boyfriend told me he asked her what gets her wet and she said it happens when she makes out with her boyfriend.

Isn't that kind of weird...? Do friends even ask each other that? Isn't it weirder since they're of the opposite gender? I'd never say things like that to a guy friend. It's just weird. It's something personal that I'd keep to myself. And even if I really wanted to tell someone all those details for some reason, I'd only tell my closest girl friend.

I don't get it. I thought I was finally okay with the two of them talking now and I do like Girl X, but... this is making it really hard for me. And these are only the few things my boyfriend has mentioned to me. Who knows what else they talk about? :/ As far as I know, he hasn't talked about sexual stuff with any of his other friends, so why only Girl X?

I want to cry again.

I really hate how pathetic I am. I don't have the guts to confront him about it. I don't even have the guts to just break things off. I also hate how all of my recent diary entries are so depressing and whiny.

I really wish I had a friend to talk to.

Third time. Almost.

edit: I miscounted, haha. It's been four times I've cried.

My bf brought up that he feels like he hasn't been talking to me enough and asked if he was a good boyfriend. Honestly I don't really know. What makes someone a good boyfriend or a bad boyfriend?

Today we were finally able to vid chat. For 20 mins or so. He kept getting distracted and doing other things while he was talking about his day. Then his dad came in and they had a conversation. Then he finished talking about his day. Then he had to go eat. I waited for him for an hour, then decided to go brush my teeth. When I came back, he had hung up and said another friend wanted to call him. So I waited another hour. When he was done, he said he wanted to sign off to watch a show.

That's when he brought that up. He says he feels bad because he wants to watch a show instead of talking to me. I told him that I'd feel uncomfortable if he was talking to me just because he felt bad. He quickly denied it and said he does enjoy talking to me, but he just needs a lot of time to talk to me. But... isn't something better than nothing? I feel like we haven't been talking to each other much at all these past few days.

He can't text me at school either because there's no service. He said he could IM me on Google, but then he said he had a lot of friends in his classes so he doesn't want to be an ass and ignore them. But it's okay to be an ass to me? .-.

He also said that he was really worried about losing me. Really...? I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to lose me because he likes the idea of having a girlfriend. I mean, before we started dating, he seemed almost like he was obsessed with falling in love. Does he only love me because I'm the only one who said yes to a relationship rather than for who I am as a person...?

He asked if I felt resentful. I didn't answer. But... I feel like I am. I'm really starting to question this relationship. I feel like my feelings are slowly fading out. Today when we video-chatted, I didn't feel happy. I just felt kind of... bummed out. Am I falling out of love?

I should've trusted my gut instinct from the start. I never should've said yes. Then at least we could maintain a friendship. I think if we broke up now, things would just be really awkward. But I don't want to suggest a breakup either. I don't know why. Do I feel guilty? Am I just being selfish? I don't know.

I guess I'll update how it's going soon.

Girl X

I'm a bit upset over relationship issues again, haha. I feel like all I've been doing is feeling moody. I don't really know how much more I can take. It's been three months and so far I have cried twice because of him. Technically three times, but the very first time wasn't really his fault.

He liked two other girls (just counting the ones he actually confessed to) before he started liking me. The first girl I don't know too much about, who he knows in real life. She added me on Skype a while ago before we even started liking each other. I've only talked to her once and we didn't really have anything to say to each other after that. But she seems nice from that one convo we've had. A cute girl who likes fashion, makeup and kpop.

And so this brings us to the second girl he liked, whom he met online - let's call her Girl X. I knew her from back in my TinierMe days and met her through my old Internet best friend whom I'm not in contact with anymore. She was a sweet and pleasant girl who seemed humble and slightly shy, popular amongst the TM community. I disappeared for a year to avoid some friendship drama and came back to find that she was changed completely. She had a more tomboyish, sarcastic demeanour instead of the sweet girly image she had before. I was surprised. From what I know, my bf and Girl X had an on-and-off friendship. After he confessed to her (which happened before I came back), she became distant and started to find him annoying. Eventually he began labelling her behaviour as bitchy and they both decided to cut things off. That's when he began noticing me more and gradually started to like me.

He told me about the feelings he had for her (before we liked each other). That he gets happy whenever he sees her face. That every time they said good night and ended their Skype call, he always felt like adding an "I love you". After they broke things off, he clarified that he was now over her. They no longer spoke to each other. He blocked her everywhere and for some reason, she deleted me from her Skype contacts too.

Now, this just sets up my main issue here. I've always kind of felt slightly less... worthy than Girl X. He could talk to her for hours in a call, whereas recently we've only been in calls for an hour or two. And I don't even talk... I just type and IM, which he doesn't really like. He used to be upset whenever he wasn't able to call me when I had exams, but now he seems to... not care? We don't text as much as we did anymore. Is he getting used to me staying up to 6 AM to talk to him (I know, I know. I promised myself I'd stop...)? Lately he's been making the occasional frustrated remark to me too. I've always been uncomfortable with talking and he knows that. He was sending voice messages to me the other day on WhatsApp, and he told me to do it too. I panicked at first, then thought I'd record myself saying "Whassup my nigga!" in a deep voice to make him laugh. He wasn't amused at all - "Just... DO IT. Just TALK. No joking around - just talk normally." There's also another issue that I'm slightly uncomfortable with, but I'm not sure if that's appropriate to mention so I'll skip that for now.

I was in a call with him a few days ago and I was screensharing. I was browsing my Tumblr dashboard and he saw a username, and asked "Who's [Girl X's username]?". I told him it was her, and his reaction was: "You follow her? Ew, gross.". I just typed "LOL?" in response.

He decided to check out her blog after that, and I think they started following each other again. Then they had an ask convo on Tumblr. Then he kept reblogging her stuff like before. From a convo Girl X published publicly (by accident?), it seemed like they were getting along well. At this point, I was already starting to feel uncomfortable. I know it's stupid since they're probably just friends. I thought maybe I was upset because Girl X acted like a bitch to him from what he told me, and now she's just acting as if nothing happened. In my head, I was already envisioning her as someone pompous and two-faced from what I've been told about her.

Then yesterday, I had a convo with Girl X on Tumblr too. We just talked about kpop and joked around, and it seems... it seems like she's very nice. Quite pleasant to talk to. She wasn't pompous or bitchy like I had thought she was. I actually found our convo very fun and I found myself thinking that it'd be cool if she could add me on Skype again and maybe we could become good friends.

Then Girl X randomly posted something like "It'd be nice if I had some anons just asking me stuff". My bf decided to go out of his way to send her anon messages, joking around. I don't know why. Seems like they were close enough to joke around again.

But the message he sent her was this: "You're sweet. I like you."

What...? I don't understand. I mean I know he was on anon and wasn't expecting her to realise it was him (she pretty much guessed immediately), so maybe he was just trying to be nice. But... surely he could've just said "You're cool" or something more neutral? Something that seems more like what you'd say as a friend to another friend, rather than a boy to a girl he likes...? Not even a girl would say to her own girl friend "I like you". It just seems... off.

Been kind of mulling over this in my head for a while. Somehow it feels more crushing to type it out. I just feel a sinking, heavy feeling in my heart.

Then I realised that I'm not upset at Girl X at all. I thought maybe I didn't like her because I was jealous and that I didn't like the way she treated him. But... I think I'm upset at him instead. He's the one who wrote what he wrote. He's the one who's initiating those convos with her.

And once again, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that maybe they'll add each other on Skype again, if they haven't already. I'm afraid he will find her more fun to talk to. I'm afraid he'll like her again and leave me behind. I'm afraid he won't love me anymore. I'm afraid of being replaced.

I'm just... afraid of everything. As usual.

I wish I just knew how to not give a shit.

Hurt.

I hate this feeling. I hate it.

I've been constantly moodly the last few months. The only reason I've cried the past few months is all because of you. Is this really a good idea? Is a tranquil life with no ups yet no downs better than a life filled with extreme highs and extreme lows? Is it really worth it? I'm not too sure anymore...

Don't tell me it's because you feel bad for making me wait. I'd rather you say you'd like to talk to me too. The thing is, you don't. I don't want you to feel like talking to me is an obligation because if that's all there is to it, what's the point?

I told you I was possessive, but you didn't believe me. I wonder when you'll see it for yourself.

-

My mom caught me staying up until almost 6 AM yesterday. I was waiting for him up to 5 AM but then he wanted to talk to someone else. I told him I was just gonna go sleep. The truth is I stayed up for another hour crying to myself because I'm a stupid moody selfish bitch.

She says I now have to go to bed at 11:30 PM and that she'd confiscate my laptop. I don't even care anymore.

I don't want to make changes in my life just for him anymore since I'm obviously not as important to him as he is to me. I'm not going to stay up until the morning just for him anymore.

sigh.

Summer holiday! + OOTD: Blue Maxi

Well actually it's been a week into summer holiday already. I really should update my blog more. = = I just don't have much to write about, I guess. I think I generally only write entries when I'm sad and have no one to talk to, which might not be too good because looking back, it'll seem like I'm constantly depressed. I guess I'll spam some of my pictures from Instagram (@yuemie, follow me? :D).

Selfie I took on the last day of school.

And another one.

I suuuuper love how I look here. I wish I could look like this all the time. D: Usually I always have to liquify my face to get it to look normal, but I only edited away a few blemishes for this picture. I really want waist-length hair! *-* I'm just wearing extensions here.

So yeah, life's been pretty good. I have a lot of summer work to do thanks to art. = =; Seriously, if I wasn't taking art, I'd have absolutely nothing to do this summer. Wish I could just relax for a month.

I'm still Skyping with my bf everyday. c: Remember that entry I wrote over a month ago about how I didn't feel like I was a priority? Well, that has changed. I feel really important now. He calls me almost as soon as he comes home from work and we talk all the way until I have to go to sleep. We have a 5-hour time difference since he lives in the US, but we can manage. He's planning on visiting next summer and I'm looking forward to it. ^u^

I really hope this works out. I'm still kind of scared over getting my hopes up. There's just so many obstacles between us. We'll only be able to see each other once a year, and it'll be like that for a few years since we're going to university in our own countries. And if we do get through those few years, what do we do when we want to move in together? Should he come to the UK where everything is way more expensive and where it would be harder for him to find a job than in the US? Or should I go to the US where I'm foreign to everything and where it'll be harder for me to find a job? Plus I'd be far away from my mom too, since she's probably staying in the UK. There's just so much sacrifice involved.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much, haha. I really do hope this works out.

New laptop and other life updates

My mom bought me a new laptop which arrived yesterday. I still prefer the build of Apple laptops but the software of my new one is much better. Now I can go on some websites without them glitching out and I can download games now. :D

I downloaded Rainmeter and tried to make my desktop all pretty.

The layout's pretty much just pre-made so it's kind of nooby. I only removed/added some functions. I think I have way too many clocks, lol. But I super love the background! <3

Hmm. Don't really have anything to talk about. Life's been pretty good. No complaints. ^u^ I had a bunch of projects due in last week, but a presentation I was supposed to do got postponed to Monday. Next week is the last week of school, yay!

...Though I did just say I had no complaints, I kind of wish I was prettier, haha. Just my usual insecurity problems, I guess. I dunno. I just feel like I don't look nice. My skin isn't very nice, I look tired all the time, my nose is flat and my face looks big. And I just look kinda chubby in general. :/ I want to lose some weight but I have no motivation to eat healthy or exercise. Sigh.

I suddenly feel kinda moody/grumpy again. D: Ugh. Why am I so moodyyyy. Gonna cut this entry short before it gets too depressing.

More uncertainties.

Copied/pasted from my Tumblr. Thought I'd keep my life updated here too.

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I have so much I need to do - it’s so frustrating. .-. I’m hungry and tired and sleepy. I need to eat, take a nap, shower, do a maths paper, do stupid classics homework and go to sleep by midnight. I need to start listing out all the universities I want to apply to and put them in order with all their entry requirements, whether they require portfolios, cost per year, etc., as well as get started on my personal statement. And I need to choose a location in London and create a presentation about the architecture of that particular location.

I’m hating classics again because one of my teachers (I have two teachers for classics - one male, one female) patronised me yesterday, ugh. She told the class to discuss in pairs who Agamemnon is. My partner and I both knew that he was killed by his wife Clytemnestra and that he has a son called Orestes. The teacher then asked my partner what I had said.

Partner: He was killed by Clytemnestra.
Teacher: -super surprised face- Wooow! Anne said that?

Note: if you take classical civilisation and studied the Odyssey (or even if you’ve just watched a movie about the Trojan war), knowing that Agamemnon was killed by Clytemnestra is probably one of the most basic things you can possibly remember. If the teacher didn’t consider it as basic knowledge, then fair enough, but she specifically said my name, as if she’s only surprised because I knew that.

I’d love to get an A* by the end of this course just to see that look of surprise and utter disbelief on her face. Hell, this is the reason why I wanted to apply to Cambridge (other than how awesome the place looks and its prestigious reputation). If I happened to be offered a place there somehow, imagine the reactions of the people who thought I’m just a dumb quiet girl with no ambition or opinions of my own. I’d laugh right in their faces. Imagine how satisfying that would feel.

Not gonna apply to Cambridge anymore though since I’m pretty sure I failed physics really hard, lol. I don’t want to apply to any universities that require interviews because I’m terrible at those. It’s not even worth bothering to try. There’s one uni in London that I’m actually interested in, but they require interviews so there’s practically an almost-zero chance of me getting a place there. Plus if I’m gonna apply for a uni I most likely wouldn’t get in, I might as well go for Cambridge.

I’m wishing that I chose to study psychology instead of classics again. I might be going through a phase or something since I occasionally wish I was studying medicine, law, etc., but I think I may actually have a genuine interest in psychology, rather than the “Hey, it’d be cool to save lives”, “I’m pretty good at being unopinionated and adapting my mindset to argue for whatever cause I’m told to argue for” and “I’m pretty decent at art and maths so I’ll do architecture” attitude I’ve had. I love hearing what people think. I love learning why people think the way they do. I love thinking about how events in someone’s life may have re-shaped their personalities into who they are now.

I do like architecture based on the work experience I’ve done. Tracing cross-sectional views of buildings, rendering them on Photoshop and creating models of them on CAD were all super fun. I could spend hours and hours without a single break just perfecting every detail. The company director even said that the standard of the work I produced matched that of the full-fledged architects there. But I don’t feel… interested. I don’t feel the same fascination I feel when I read about how the human mind works.

Though I guess it’s still a good thing that I chose architecture in the end, since half the universities don’t interview architecture applicants. I don’t know about psychology, but there’d probably be a heavy emphasis on interviewing. I mean, if you want to be a psychologist, you’ve got to be able to talk to people comfortably, right?

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe psychology can just be a pastime of mine rather than a career. That doesn’t sound too bad anyway.

_________________________________________________________

On an unrelated note, I'll probably be talking about my relationship a lot here because I can't ramble about it on Tumblr since bf knows my Tumblr, lol. Still feels kind of strange referring to him as a boyfriend. I'm still not too used to the idea.

I've been feeling kind of down, actually. I haven't had a proper one-to-one Skype call with him for a few days. He's probably super busy because he's a very friend-oriented person, but even our text conversations seemed to have slowed down. Or maybe I'm not actually feeling upset. I just feel... normal. Like how I usually felt before I started liking him. Talking to him on Skype has been the highlight of my day for a few weeks and now that we haven't talked for a while, I guess the happy/giddy feeling sort of died down. I haven't smiled to myself before falling asleep the last few days. He said we'd talk today but he just texted me that he'll be going to a friend's house and won't be back until 11 PM. I have to go to sleep by midnight, so that leaves us very little time. And I have an exam on Thursday so I can't go on Skype tomorrow either. :c

Before we started dating, he said that a girlfriend would always take number one priority over his friends, haha. I'm starting to question it though. I'm not angry at him or anything - I just like feeling special and important, I guess. It's funny because the reason why I said I had so much to do today in the above post from Tumblr is because I wanted to finish everything by 9:30 PM, which is the usual time he comes home from work (internship), so I can talk to him until midnight. I skipped taking a nap so I can do my maths revision in time. I guess I'm ahead of schedule now. Hm. .-.

This is why I don't want to become too emotionally-attached to anyone. This is why I'm afraid of relationships. I want to be able to be completely fine on my own even when the person's gone. I'm doing okay so far, but I hope I don't get any more attached to him. I don't want to become one of those jealous, insecure girlfriends and start bitching at him for not talking to me enough. I need to respect his space too, and in order to do that, I need to focus on being emotionally independent and strictly set a distance.

To make new friends.

I think that will be my aim for the summer (since I still have exams at the moment). I'm mostly thinking of making new online friends since there's more opportunities online than in real life, haha. I used to have an Internet best friend but I lost her years ago. So far I haven't been able to find a new best friend whom I can confide in and talk to about anything - including all the relationship stuff. At first my bf was somewhat close to that role, but obviously I can't ramble about our relationship and stuff now that we're dating, lol. I don't know. I guess I kinda want a girl friend to gush over things with.

Just more people to talk to online in general would be nice, since now I feel like I'm only on Skype just to talk to my bf, haha. It'd be nice to be more friendship-oriented, if that makes sense. I kinda feel like we haven't been talking as much as we used to, especially compared to how we were pre-relationship since we IMed each other a lot back then. I don't really know. Hope he isn't bored of me or something, haha. Though it's true that he seems pretty into a particular video game right now. Maybe that's it?

I miss having someone whom I could talk to about anything. I can barely remember what it was like since it's been almost two years. I've been trying to meet people on TinierMe ever since, but haven't found anyone who enjoys talking to me on a regular basis. TinierMe closed down too, so I can't use that to meet new people anymore.

Aaahhhh I want new friends! *^*

I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.

Afraid of emotions.

So today is my birthday - I'm officially 17! But I'm not here to write about that, haha. Last night was probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.

Basic story is that I've been talking to a guy on Skype a lot recently and I have a lot of fun talking to him. He has asked me hypothetical questions before - whether I'd date him if he was there in the same country (he lives in the US) and he asked me out. It seems that he likes me, maybe. I didn't really give a definite answer, just "I don't know".

I spent a day or two asking myself the same question. I've been pretty restless for the last few nights. Kept thinking about him and couldn't sleep. To the point that I kept thinking about him constantly all day. And I think... I think I kinda like him too? I don't know. I don't know how this whole 'like' things work. How do you know if you like someone?

I've never felt so emotionally-drained, haha. I was confused and didn't know if I really do like him, or if I'm just nervous from anxiety. Either way, I have no idea what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. I'm scared of liking someone. I'm scared of not being able to control my feelings. I'm scared of not understanding my feelings. The night before yesterday, I tried to think about how this relationship would work, and I just saw dead ends. So I decided to try and shut out my feelings as much as I can. I'm scared of drowning in emotions.


Woke up yesterday feeling a bit less anxious because I had spent the night logically finding 'the right answer'. I spent the whole of yesterday texting him, just having fun like usual. But when I got home, I noticed that I had received a friend request from his friend. This is random, I thought. At that moment, I sort of just knew that he was serious in having a relationship with me. I instinctively knew that something was going to happen sooner or later.


I kept feeling very jittery after coming to that realisation. My hands were literally shaking when I tried to ramble to a friend and reason with myself. I still feel like the relationship would only have dead ends. The best thing to do would be to just remain as friends.


After IMing for a while, we were in a group call along with a friend of his, watching Person of Interest together. His other friend (the one who randomly added me) signed on and started talking to me about the hypothetical question. "So would you date him?", etc. I didn't want to say no but I didn't want to say yes either. And I don't know if the reason why I don't want to say yes is because I'm an egoist who thinks nothing good is going to come out of it, so I might as well just say no and end this all there and then. But I didn't want to say no. Argh, I don't even know.


I ended up not watching PoI while talking to his friend, haha. Got too distracted and was thinking too hard. His other friend in the group call left to do something, so it was just the two of us. We carried on talking as usual (btw I was IMing what I wanted to say - because I was in the living room and couldn't talk. I suck at talking anyway haha). Suddenly he asked me if I had time to stay up longer. I said I did. I noticed that there was a long pause after that, and Skype showed that he was typing something. Typing and typing.


Then he just confessed that he likes me.

He couldn't say it out loud otherwise his parents might overhear, and they're really strict with this whole dating stuff haha. This is the first time someone has ever confessed to me face-to-face (well not quite face-to-face but you know what I mean). I didn't know what to do. I was happy, but I was scared too. Do I actually like him? What's the concept behind relationships? What's the point of it? How would this work? What if I started acting like a bitchy possessive girlfriend?


We spent 3 hours straight talking about this. I pointed out some problems this relationship could have and he explained it all. But I still felt hesitant. I think I just wasn't ready. I told him this and he was okay with us just being friends, which is great. He told me to tell him if I change my mind. He was happy that we could remain as friends, I think. He was glad that I had thought about this before. He said that the last two times he confessed to a girl, they all reacted negatively. And that makes me feel pretty good being the only one who sorta reciprocates his feelings, like I'm special or something haha.


So I guess that's that. We're just gonna stay as friends, I think. Though to be honest, I'm still kind of scared because I'm attracted to people who like me, so I hope my feelings don't intensify or something. What if I eventually liked him back for sure and wanted to go through with this relationship, but he had moved on already?


He was so sweet when he was telling me all of this. He said he was really jittery so sorry if he made any typos. I could hear that he was really flustered since we were in a call. It was cute, haha. I think my heart was beating pretty fast. oh god. I still don't know how I'm feeling. I still feel kind of strange right now. As if my heart is itchy or something, I don't know. I've had this feeling before when I dreamed about falling in love. I'm scared. I don't want to be far away from someone I like. I've had dreams about this before and it hurt so much - I cried every single time. I think the biggest problem I have is still with the long distance. I imagined what it would be like if we lived close-by, and it looked like fun, haha. Or maybe I'm just creating some perfect scenario in my head in which I don't feel anxious and confused. I don't know.


So yeah. That's all that can happen for now. I feel a bit lighter after the talk, but still a bit confused. We'll just have to see how this goes.

Wigs and Hair Inspiration

Sorry for the lack of updates... again. > < Today I thought I'd share with you a bunch of pretty wigs I've found. A lot of these are from Asian websites so I don't know how to get them, but we can gush over all those pretty things that we can't have, yes? ;w;

1. This pretty light brown wig (Clair Beauty). I want to grow my hair out into this style and dye my hair this colour though, so I probably wouldn't buy it. But it's so pretty! My girly hair inspiration~ *-*

2. Short tomboy wig (Clair Beauty). The closest I can find to a male wig from a trustworthy source. I think it could look a lot more boyish with the right styling.

3. Cute bow hairbands (Angel Q). They look like little bunny ears if you wear them.

 

4. Black male wig. Found this on Taobao. It didn't say which specific brand it's from other than "Korean", but it kinda has a Gabalnara vibe.

5. Blonde male wig. Found this on AliExpress.

6. Another blonde male wig. Also found on AliExpress. I super, super want this one. ;A;

7. Long black wig with fringe. Found on AliExpress. Most full-fringe wigs I've seen don't frame the face very well and the fringe just stops abruptly around the faces, but this one has a gradual slope from the fring to the rest of the hair.

Gaaahh, I'd really like to order some wigs from AliExpress (you can find some pretty cheap ones), but a lot of the products have had either really bad feedback or none at all. I don't know if the sellers are trustworthy

Sorry this entry was so short and only had pictures. Been wanting to buy new wigs again. x-x

Not caring can be a good thing.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Nothing much has been happening in my life and I haven't felt like writing anything. > < But lately I've been thinking a bit and so I've decided to write this entry.

Sometimes I just don't understand why some people care so much. I don't mean the kind of caring as in taking care of someone and caring for someone. I mean the kind of 'caring' where some people go out of their way to do unnecessary things and make a completely irrelevant person's life miserable.

Here's an example of some girls in my school 'over-caring' (copy and pasted from my Tumblr since I was ranting, haha):

A few days ago I was sitting with Friend A and Friend B. Friend B then went to do homework and we could see her through a balcony in the middle of the floor, so we were just fooling around like “HAIII WE CAN SEE YOU! 8D”.

Today, Friend B told me that while she was sitting there, there was a small group of girls sitting opposite her and one of the girls kept commenting loudly about me and Friend A. I don’t even know how she didn’t realise that Friend B was sitting right in front of her (almost everyone knows that me and Friend B are close friends apart from the new people). -__-

Friend B told me that the girl said “OMGGG ARE THEY LOOKING AT ME? I CAN’T TELL BECAUSE OF THEIR GLASSES LOOOLZ. WHY AREN’T THEY TALKING? OR MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE USED TO TALKING AND THEY’RE USED TO NOT TALKING LOLZZZ. THEY PROBABLY JUST SPEND THEIR LUNCHES NOT TALKING SINCE THEY’RE THE QUIET PEEPOLZ, LOLZ!”

…Lyke whut. You know what I really dislike and find stupid? When people comment on small things I’m doing that’s not relevant to them in any way whatsoever. For example, let’s say I ate a muffin last week. Then all of a sudden some people who I don’t even talk to start telling their friends: “LOLZ GUESS WHAT, SHE ATE A MUFFIN LAST WEEK. LOLOLOLOLZ!” Uhhh ok. You must be really bored to keep reporting back the little things I’m doing to your friends (this has happened more than once). ._. People like that are the ones that spend their breaks gossiping about people to their friends instead of actually bonding with each other. What right does she have to say that I don’t talk to my friends during lunch? Even if I don’t, it’s none of her business anyway.

The rest of the girls in the group were just like “oh, lol” and not really saying anything. At least my ‘not talking’ is better than being so bored and awkward that you HAVE to comment on what other people are doing with their friends, especially when your friends aren’t even interested in your gossipy behaviour. :I

Also, just because I don’t talk to YOU doesn’t mean that I don’t talk to my friends. Stop thinking that the world revolves around you. (^This is aimed at that girl. I noticed that I kept switching between “you” and “she” so it might confuse some people. XD)
ok I’m probably kicking up a fuss over such a trivial thing but ARGH STUFF LIKE THIS GETS ON MY NERVES.

By the way, Friend B is the person I referred to as 'my best friend' in my older entries. But I don't think I'm going to call her that anymore because she's no longer trying to seclude me from everyone else and she's been acting like a proper friend. She has also stopped trying to get Friend A's attention since we're all very close now, so I guess she stopped feeling the need to impress her.

I think I'm the type of person who just doesn't care. Of course I care about my family, my friends and people/things that are important and relevant to me, but outside of that, I just don't care. Whenever my friends are complaining about the amount of homework they get and how stressed they are, they point out that I always seem so calm and carefree. It's not because I don't have any work to do. I think it's just because I don't care. At some point, I learned to not care about things that are not worth stressing over.

And I don't think it's a bad thing. In fact, I'm happy that I don't care about things irrelevant to me. It helps me become a more open-minded person, in a way. Because of my indifference, I am not subjective or bigoted.

But one thing I don't understand is why some people care so much. You know how some people make a big fuss over legalising gay marriage? I don't understand that. I don't have anything against gay marriage because it doesn't affect me. If gays want to get married, then go ahead. If not, then don't. It's not going to change my life (as a heterosexual) in anyway. So I just DON'T understand why some heterosexuals are making life more difficult for BOTH themselves and the people who want to marry those of the same sex? Why do they feel the need to go out of their way to make gay marriage illegal when it doesn't affect their lives whatsoever?

In the same way, I don't understand why the girl, whom Friend B overheard, was reporting every tiny thing I do since it was completely irrelevant to her.

And here's another short rant copy and pasted from my Tumblr:

We were moving a tennis net (it’s heavy as hell btw) across the court, one of the two girls playing netball on another court suddenly asked me in a haughty tone: “Um, what are you guys doing?”.

I just replied “Uh, moving the net?”. What did it look like we were doing? Swimming?
Then she said, “Well, then hurry up!! You’re taking AAAGEEES!!!”

I was just like “lol ok” and carried on moving the net.

Is it just me or was her comment really… so unnecessary and pointless? @_@ Why did she feel that she HAD to speak in a rude manner? We were obviously moving the net across the court - if she didn’t realise that then that’s fine, but did she just HAVE to sound so arrogant and sarcastic? We weren’t even on their court and didn’t interfere with them playing netball at all. They weren’t even playing a game. They were just throwing the ball into the hoop.

I don’t understand her way of thinking. Was she trying to start a fight? Why, because she was bored with netball? Was she trying to make me mad because I’m usually quiet so she wanted to see me angry? Was it because she was PMS-ing and decided to take it out on me because she knew that I wouldn’t retaliate? Why is she bothering to go out of her way to make such an unnecessary comment?

That girl happens to be in my physics class as well. Why is she creating such uncalled for resentment when we’ll be seeing each other in class almost every school day for the rest of the year?

Just WHY? I don’t understand why people do what they do. I don’t get it at all.

Do you see where I'm coming from? Why do some people just go out of their way doing something completely unnecessary to other people who are irrelevant to them? By not caring (ie. not giving a crap) about that one person, they're really just over-caring instead. If you hated one person, you could just ignore them instead of making life more difficult for yourself by making life more difficult for them. Why not just carry on with your life and surround yourself with happy things?

I'm still not completely indifferent to irrelevant people though. Sometimes I still care about things I shouldn't care about. I'm letting these trivial things annoy me but you know what? I'm going to learn to not care about those kind of people either. :)

Pre-Moving In!

We just moved into our new flat on Monday! ^^ My room isn't finished yet (I've decided not to paint the walls light brown after all because it would take too long and I should be focusing on schoolwork), but I'm definitely still aiming for a bright and refreshing atmosphere.

Meanwhile, here are some pre-moving-in photos! :D

On Saturday, my mom and I went to a carpet store to buy carpets (surprise!). We walked half of our way there and got off the bus next to a huge grassy field. Usually when you see rows of houses, it's always surrounded with even more houses, but the houses there just... ended there. o__o That probably made no sense. Imagining living in a house at the end of a suburban area and outside your window all you can see is a massive green field with trees! Kind of like living in the countryside. :D

It was a nice walk. We had to walk through a street which was peacefully quiet. There were no cars at all and hardly any people. Then we had to walk through this tunnel under a traintrack:

Is it just me or does it slightly remind you of the tunnel from Hayao Miyazaki's 'Spirited Away'? The tunnel was so claustrophobically dark and tiny! If you jumped while you're inside the tunnel, you'd smash right into the ceiling. :x

Here's a photo of my room before we did any refurnishing:

As you can see, it's a bit small and the flooring was pretty horrid (which is why we had to buy carpets). The edges of each windowframe was also really moudy and nasty so I scrubbed it off using some anti-bacterial wipes. Then after sticking down the new carpet:

 Looks so much better already! Much more light and airy. :D But then after all our furniture and boxes have been moved in:

T______T

Ok most of the boxes have been moved out now so it's not that bad. I have bought two fake cherry blossom branches to put in my room (as well as for my school art installation next Tuesday - I'll take some photos and blog about it if I remember), but I still need to get a vase of some kind. I also got a string of yellow Christmas tree lights for my installation, which I'll also put in my room for extra ambience.

There are still boxes everywhere that still needs to be unpacked, so my room probably won't be fully finished until maybe 2 weeks later or so. :x

And here's the view outside our living room:

Not bad, right? It actually doesn't lose to the river view we had back in our old flat. Everything looks so green despite the winter. :D

I actually planned on starting my Etsy shop this week (half-term holiday), but it looks like I won't have any time, and my wardrobe won't be put together until Sunday. I also have quite a lot of schoolwork to do. :x

I guess my next post will be about my art installation? So that's all for now, bye bye~ ^^

Moving again soon!

Heard some good news - we'll be moving out of the hostel into a flat in around a week! :D Oh and it turned out that my mom didn't complain to the manager about that rude pregnant woman because she apologised (unsincerely) later that night, so I guess there's nothing that can be done anyway. Even if my mom did complain, the woman could just say "Well I already said sorry".

I'm glad we'll be moving out of here soon. For some reason the bathroom has been smelling really bad lately, as if someone peed all over the floor or something. The smell wasn't too bad when we first moved in. We think it's probably the pregnant woman's boyfriend because all the people living down this corridor are women and women can't really pee on the floor everywhere, lol.

Once we've moved to the new flat, I want to decorate my room nicely. ^^ My old room used to just be like a storage dump and there was stuff all over the place. I want a cream-coloured carpet with coffee-brown wallpaper, then I want to place some fake plants around (real plants keep shedding leaves and soil might get everywhere, but I don't know if that's just because I'm not taking care of it properly > <). If my new room turns out great, I'll take some pictures and post them here!

I'm also thinking of starting a shop on Etsy to sell some of the dresses I don't wear anymore and maybe some hair accessories I can make. Plus I could model the clothes which sounds like a lot of fun. If it goes well, I'd like to buy a tripod and a better camera with a timer so I can just take the photos myself. And if I get orders, I can just drop off the packages on my way to/back from school. I'm really excited just thinking about it! :D I still need to think of a shop name though, or maybe I should just use a more username-y kind of name. Maybe something to do with the name "Emi" would be nice because I think it sounds so cute, haha.

I'll update again soon!

Preggy woman drama

I'm posting this using my phone because my mom is using my laptop, so I apologise for any typos or any weird auto corrects, haha.

There's a pregnant woman (probably in her 20s - she doesn't look that much older than me) who lives down the same corridor as us in the hostel. There's only 5 room in this corridor, two of which is occupied by my mom, my bro and me.

Basically, this woman is just messy and dirty. She leaves a mess in every communal room. She leaves empty food packaging and unwashed dishes all over the place. She's also very unfriendly towards everyone living down this corridor, acting as if she is superior to all of us.

Last night my mom found bundles of red hair chugged in the drain of the bathtub and the sink. The sink and walls also had splatters of a  red-purple colour. At first my mom though that someone red-haired living in the floor above came downstairs to use the bathroom (which they aren't allowed to do). She asked a Pakistani woman who lives next to us if she had dyed her hair. The woman said she didn't and came to look at the mess in the bathroom along with my mom.

Just then, the pregnant woman came into the bathroom, with newly dyed red hair (her hair used to be blond). My mom asked her if she dyed her hair and she immediately threw a temper and yelled, "DON'T FIGHT WITH ME! FUCK OFF!"

This isn't the first time I've heard that woman swear. Once she was talking to her boyfriend (who's secretly staying overnight in her room, which also isn't allowed), and she said that the kitchen "fucking stinks". Using such vulgar profanities over such little things... sigh.

Later the woman went into the kitchen and complained to someone that she was living with "fucking bitches". Ha, who's the real bitch here?

My mom said that the woman probably targeted her because we're newcomers and she thought we'd be easy to pick on. Well, she thought wrong. She picked the wrong person to mess with.

I kind of wish we were allowed to swear though (we're also not allowed to swear here). I'd swear a string of insults at that woman and see how she likes it. :d For now if she swears at us again, I'll just laugh in her face.

My mom wants to complain to the manager here about the woman's behaviour tomorrow. I'll update again if anything interesting happens.

Living in a hostel

Just an update on my family life.

My family (excluding dad) has moved out of the flat we lived in and into a hostel a few days ago. The owner of the flat (since it was rented) wanted to sell the property, and we couldn't afford to pay the rent anyway because it was getting too expensive for us. All of our furniture is packed away and stored in a warehouse, and we packed a suitcase of clothes we need for the next few weeks (no idea how long we'll be living here though).

My mom hasn't had a job for 15 years or so because she stopped working to take care of me and my brother back when we lived in China over a decade ago. My dad also doesn't have a job and he's unwilling to give us any money, so now we're trying to get help from the local council.

So yeah, we're now living in a hostel! There's a communal bathroom, kitchen and laundry room. It's almost kind of like living in a cheap hotel, or sharing a house with a group of other students in university. My brother has his own room while my mom and I share a room next-door.

It's not bad, really. I just don't really like having to share a bathroom with other people though. D: And it's a bit bothersome to have to keep locking the door everytime we leave a room. Right now I'm typing this in my brother's room because for some reason there's no WiFi in my room.

I have to take the bus to school now. It used to be just a 10-minute walk, which I really miss. XD It was so much easier than taking buses. Sometimes it's nice just walking home absent-mindedly whenever I have a migraine headache, but now I have to constantly keep a lookout for my stop. x__x I'm also getting a lot less exercise this way. Just a 10-minute walk per day equals 1 hour and 40 mins of exercise per week.

I have an important exam on Monday, Friday and the Wednesday after. I still haven't started revising because of all the moving.

I kind of miss the house we used to live in before we even moved to the flat. I miss the flat too. It felt more like home than here.

So many stacks of boxes all gone in just one day. :o

The view outside the living room and the third bedroom. Gonna miss this place. :c

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Hello my dear lurkers! It's been a while. I've pretty much been doing nothing. In fact, I almost forgot about this blog completely.

I've realised that I keep deleting some entries I've made because sometimes I feel like what I posted was really pointless or too personal. I still want this blog to be interesting and relevant, and it's hard to do that if I keep ranting about silly things in my life, haha.

I'll be making trivial personal posts on my Tumblr blog. The kind that's like "argh, I have so much homework" or "today I did this and that". I will only post personal stuff on here if it's something I think that's 'worthy', I guess. Or I might still publish very personal posts on here anyway because less people read my Blogspot compared to my Tumblr blog. But yeah, hopefully everything I'm posting on here will at least be of a decent length.

I have several important exams in January, so I probably won't be blogging here for a while (again). This year, I'd really like to upload a video on YouTube. Maybe a makeup tutorial, wig/makeup reviews, or maybe even a gaming commentary (ha!). Just something.

Well then, here's some photoshopped photos of me just because! :D

...Yeah I should really practise keeping it consistent. xD I tested out a hair brush I downloaded on the bottom right picture, which is why the hair looks kind of strange.

Thank you to whoever's been keeping up with my blog and my constant whining! Have an awesome 2013! :D