Somehow it's been five years since my last entry. I haven't totally forgotten about this blog of mine - I just haven't felt the need to express my thoughts somewhere private. A lot of things have happened. I got engaged to my partner (the one I met in university) as of November 2019. I've been freelance modelling for four years. I've graduated from uni and now have a stable job. I bought a house with my fiancé in August 2020. Things are good.
Honestly, I revisited this blog today because I was feeling down about life in general for some reason. I think I still have some sort of trauma from everything I experienced in my adolescence (most of which have been recorded here). Sometimes I just feel like things aren't "right" in my life and that I still haven't achieved happiness. This morning, I planned to go on this blog and write an entry about these depressive bouts I go through sometimes, and all the things currently going wrong in my life.
I got curious about previous entries I've written and ended up down the rabbit hole of reading a good chunk of my past entries, starting in 2011 to 2013. This was a time when I was struggling a lot with family issues and my abusive dad. Then mid-2013 to 2014, I struggled with an abusive boyfriend. I stopped reading at the mid-2013 point because that next period of my life was exhausting and there are a lot of things I regretted or wish I could have done differently in hindsight.
Anyway, reading all those past entries was eye-opening for me. My life really is significantly better now. I was shocked by the utter misery and hopelessness I must have felt in my younger years. I used to absolutely hate my appearance, which I don't remember having felt so strongly about it. Somehow I've forgotten about how bad things used to be.
I talked about my goals of "getting good grades", "getting a stable job" and "finding someone who loves me". I've achieved all of these now. In my most recent entry, I talked about wanting a freelance part-time job and I've achieved this too with modelling.
My life has done a 180 and I probably couldn't have ever dreamt of having my current life back when I was 15 years old. My mind is still plagued sometimes by all the struggles and abuse I went through, but looking back, my life has undoubtedly improved. It wasn't a lie when people say things get better. They really do. I just need to remind myself of this.
Things are good. :)
