[Tutorial] How to change your voice live on Skype using GarageBand (Mac)

Another self-reference post. Sorry to any of my followers because I'm sure you followed me for my rants and rambles instead of these technical tutorials. :p

Soundflower
Download Soundflower.


GarageBand
Click the GarageBand menu, then click Preferences.
Change the audio output to Soundflower (2ch). Leave your mic as the audio input.

Create a new track and select "Real Instrument".
Then turn on the monitor.

My GarageBand is quite old so it might look different to yours, but they should all have the option to turn on/off the monitor.

Click "Details", which is right below the monitor option. Change your voice however you want.


Skype
Go to Preferences and set the audio input to Soundflower (2ch).

My version of Skype is also quite old, btw.

Then you should be done! :D You can try calling Skype Test Call to make sure it works.

[Tutorial] Recording ingame audio + mic separately for Mac 10.4

Lol, a nerdy post. Does this count as a tutorial? I've always thought I'd be making makeup tutorials instead. xD

This is mostly for my own self-reference. I have a Mac 10.4 and these are the programmes I downloaded in order to record ingame output and mic input separately (ie. the game sounds and the commentary are separated if you didn't get that). I did a lot of Googling to find these programmes and fiddled around to find a way of recording the two audios separately, so I hope this can help someone.

There may be an easier way of recording both audios at the same time, but I haven't found it yet so I came up with this method instead.

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Audacity:
Download the programme Audacity if you don't have it already.

Leave the settings the way it is - you don't need to change anything. It should be set on "Built-in Output" and "Built-in Microphone".

Audacity will be used to record your commentary (ie. your mic).

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Screenium:
Download Screenium.

Go to "Audio" and install "System Audio (Screenium)", AKA Soundflower. You can download other versions of Soundflower yourself if you want to, but Screenium is only compatible with the version that it tells you to install.

Once you've installed Soundflower through Screenium, you will be asked to restart your computer. After restarting, the following options shown in the above picture under "Audio" should come up. Check the box for "System Audio (Screenium)". Leave the other two built-ins unchecked.

This allows you to use Screenium to record both the screen AND the ingame audio only (sounds from your mic will not be recorded).

If you want to edit the ingame audio, you can always extract the audio from the video using iMovie HD.

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System Preference:
Now go to the Apple Menu, then click "System Preferences".
Change the "Output" to "Headphones/Built-in Output".
Change the "Input" to "Internal microphone/Built-in".

Actually, the system preference settings shouldn't make much of a difference. At least, it didn't make a difference for me - Screenium still recorded both the screen and the ingame audio, and Audacity still recorded the mic.

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Putting the video together:
Upload the audio track of your mic and the screen + ingame audio recording onto a video-editing programme of your choice. Sync both of the tracks together. And then you're done!

Losing my passion for art.

I cry so often in school. I feel like an idiot.

I'm really behind in art because I've barely been doing any of the homework. The art teacher got upset with me when she asked to see my sketchbook. She asked me why I wasn't doing the work and I didn't know what to say. Then she asked if I was having problems at home or if I just lost passion for art.

Then for some reason I started tearing up. I didn't know why. The teacher then asked to speak to me outside, and continued asking questions about why I'm not doing the work. She also asked when this started to happen and asked if it was because of her. I just kept saying that I don't know.

Then finally the teacher decided to leave the conversation there for now. While I was in the school bathroom trying to recompose myself, I started wondering why I stopped doing the work. It's not just "I'm too lazy" because I used to say that all the time last year, but I was still on schedule.

Then I realised something: I simply lost my passion for art.

I used to spend hours and hours on tonal drawings. I used to be overjoyed whenever my art homework involved drawing instead of research. I used to show off my work to my friends because I was so proud of it. I used to love just immersing myself in art, forgetting about the rest of the world.

But something changed. Something that happened right after GCSEs and before A-levels. It was the incident with my dad.

The reason why I loved drawing is because I could detach myself from reality. I remember drawing and painting with tear-filled eyes because it made me forget where I am. It was like talking to online friends - I could pretend that I'm in a different world where my dad can't bother me.

Now that my dad no longer lives with us, I've been much happier. I'm happy just sitting around at home doing nothing just because he's not around anymore. Which is why I stopped spending so much time drawing, because I'd rather do a half-assed job if it means I can spend more time with my mom and my brother. There's nothing I need to escape from anymore.

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Being dedicated to art but have my dad around, or no longer caring about art but without my dad around. It's either my family's health and safety or my grades. It's hard to decide which is better, especially since my mom is relying on me to get a decent job so that we can buy a house in the future.

I was still a bit tearful when I returned to the art room. There's a girl who I talk to sometimes painting on her canvas next to me. She probably noticed that I've been crying but she didn't say anything. I didn't mind because I wanted to be left alone anyway, but I was a bit worried that she might think I'm stupid for crying over something so silly. Later on that day when I passed her in the corridor, I smiled at her but she immediately avoided eye contact. :( I wish she could just pretend that nothing happened because I see her as a potential friend.

I don't think it's really fair to say that I'm extremely behind on all the work though. I didn't understand what the teacher was looking for. The week before, she said that I didn't do any sketches on my developing ideas for my canvas. She also said that my artbook was missing a lot of the work we've done in class. So over the weekend, I did two sketches of developing ideas and I stuck in most of the classwork I've done. I also created a small piece of work that was inspired by a particular artist we were supposed to research and I added more analytical notes. I also did research on two artists that I haven't yet done.

But today when the teacher looked at my book, she acted as if I haven't done anything at all. She said that I should've done a lot more on the developing ideas, though last week almost the entire class haven't done anything on that.

I guess the only thing I can do is keep drawing and painting. Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I just needed to vent. I wish I was emotionally stronger and wouldn't cry so easily.

I admit I'm possessive...

This relates to the entry I wrote 3 weeks ago about how I feel that my 'best friend' is stealing all of my friends.

You know the friend I've added on Skype a year or two ago? I haven't been mentioning her in my blog lately. We don't have any lessons together anymore apart from classics, but we don't sit together so we can't really talk. I'm worried it might be taking a toll on our friendship. D: Yesterday, both my Skype friend and my 'best friend' had a lesson together because they chose the same option for a subject. Today I suddenly felt that they're much closer now. My Skype friend was sitting in front of my during a whole-year talk and my 'best friend' talked to her about something to do with the lesson they had yesterday. My Skype friend clearly saw me sitting next to her, but she didn't say hi or react when I smiled at her. She also walked past me twice without saying hi like she usually does. I might be paranoid, but I'm scared that my 'best friend' has taken yet another one of my friends.

I don't mind too much if my 'best friend' just befriends the other people I talk to regularly, but for some reason after she befriends them, they all start distancing themselves from me. Did she say something bad to them about me that made them start to avoid me? If she is, then why is she doing this? What's the point?

This is why I try not to let my 'best friend' know about any new friends I've made, otherwise she'd just take them away somehow. A lot of people I used to talk to a lot now ignore or avoid me. Did I do something wrong? Why are they all leaving me?

Quick pointless update

For whoever's curious about what I've been up to the past few weeks, AKA no one. *foreveralone*

Lately I've been into watching Pewdiepie (his videos not his face durr) on YouTube. He actually makes me laugh, and that's quite surprising because I'm usually the type who laughs inwardly. In school if something funny happens, the most I'd do is do an odd twitchy smile. But when I watch Pewdie's videos, sometimes he's so funny that I can't hold in my laughter and actually have to laugh out loud because HE'S JUST THAT DAMN FUNNY. <3

Here are pictures of two bows I made back in July. I realised that I haven't uploaded them onto this blog yet I think (unless my memory is having severe problems).

I didn't make the flower in the middle of each bow, but I positioned and attached all the ribbon-y stuff. I think they'll be really nice as hair accessories, maybe attached to a bobby pin or a hair band? I haven't decided what to do with them yet.

I've been on half-term holiday for a week, but it's already Saturday now so it's basically over. I still haven't finished all my half-term homework. I think I'm forever-unorganised. :c I'm really not looking forward to school. School would be okay for me if they removed the whole social aspect of it. *sigh*

Oh and by the way, I've decided to post random updates about my personal life on my Tumblr. I also reblog Asian fashion regularly on there. I'll still be updating this blog, but only if the entry's going to be of a decent length. So basically if I need to rant over something trivial, I will probably post it on Tumblr instead of here unless it's an important/relevant issue.

That's all for now, bye bye~

A smile makes my day.

It's been a while since I've talked about school, haha.

Today at school I was feeling very moody for some reason. I kept being oversensitive and kept thinking about negative things. The last few days, I've been feeling as if my 'best friend' is trying to steal a new friend I've made in class. Maybe I'm being selfish and possessive, I don't know. She ignores me completely when I try to join in their conversation - she doesn't even spare me a glance to acknowledge my presence. The new friend broke off in the middle of the convo to say hello to me, but my 'best friend' carried on talking as if I wasn't there.

I keep feeling that she's talking about stuff I don't understand on purpose, and she turns her back on me while facing my new friend so I couldn't say anything. This isn't the first time she has 'stolen' my friends. I used to be close with two other friends, but for some reason they started ignoring me and stopped listening to me after my 'best friend' befriended them. She also excludes me on purpose whenever I'm sitting with a group, and makes me move over so that I'm sitting alone in the corner. It's really strange. I don't know what she's doing that makes people like her so much. Did I do something wrong that made people dislike me?

Anyway, that's the basic story. Today we had the Tuesday programme so we (me, my new friend and 'best friend') walked to the boys' school (if you remember from one of my previous posts). Once we were 5 mins away from the school, we stopped at a bus stop where another group of girls from our school were sitting around since we still had some time left.

A boy from the boys' school who is in my class happened to be walking past and he smiled at me so I smiled back. Then he actually stopped to greet me properly and he asked me how I was. He was just talking to me casually and he even offered me some of the crisps he was eating (though I said no, lol). :D I was really surprised that he talked to me because I thought he'd just walk past. Plus he spoke only to me and wasn't trying to score with the group of girls I was with or anything, haha. He didn't even look at them once. I don't know how to explain the feeling but it made me feel special, as if I'm exclusive. It made me feel so much better since I was feeling so bitter and lonely this morning. He probably didn't think of it as anything, but really, I appreciated it so much. Thank you for cheering me up. <3

[Review] Clair Beauty Wig (dark brown)

Yay, finally a useful post at long last!

A few months ago I received the Clair Beauty wig my mom bought for me:

I got mine from Yahoo Taiwan's marketplace thing - not quite sure how to translate it to English. :x It came with a wig cap. I've seen the same wig is available on YesStyle.com as well as more wigs from Clair Beauty.

Here's a couple of pictures of the wig (I avoided filtering the photos so that they look as close to as in real life as possible - sorry if it looks amateur-ish):

Indoors with dim lights + flash.

The wig is a bit too shiny-looking but I guess that happens with pretty much every synthetic wig.

Natural light + no flash.

Indoor lighting (yellow) + no flash.
Looks so natural here! :D I clipped up the fringe here btw.

This photo is to show you the entire length of the wig. The style of the wig is quite similar to the original product photo, but mine looks a bit flatter. I think you can get the wig to look more voluminious by fluffing it out a bit more (I just brushed it through straightaway - without teasing, blowdrying or anything).

This is a different Clair Beauty wig I got. I forgot to take a birds-eye shot of my dark brown wig but the parting looks just like this one. ^^;

Colour:

The wig doesn't look as brown as it is in the original photo of the product, unless you compare it with the photo I took in yellow indoor lighting. In natural lighting, it looks more like a dark brown rather than coffee brown.

Quality:

The quality of the wig is really good and looks very natural! I'm quite new to wigs so I can't really compare it with other brands, but I have hair extensions from another brand and the quality of my Clair Beauty wig is much better. It's super soft, especially when you run your fingers through it! :D It also has an adjustable 'belt' inside the wig so that you can adjust the circumference depending on the size of your head.

One disadvantage is that sometimes random strands of the hair fall out quite easily so you have to be careful when brushing it. I've only worn my wig a few times so I don't know if it's because it's quite new so the looser strands are falling out? :x

All in all, I really like this wig and I like wear it whenever I go to parties or events or whenever I feel like doing a quick makeover transformation just to feel pretty. I really recommend this brand. :D

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I hope this review was helpful. This is the first review I've ever done, so I'm sorry if it sucked. ;-; If I've missed out any important info or if you have any questions about this wig, feel feel to ask in the comments section!

Talking to a guy.

Every Tuesday in my school, we have this programme where half the girls in the year go to an all-boys school and then half the boys in that school comes over to my school. My form was chosen to go to the boys' school, which sucks because I live really close to my school so now I have to take the bus home every Tuesday. It doesn't seem as bad now though since one of my friends is also taking the same bus. :D

Today I spoke to another guy my age who I'm not related to for the first time in yeeaaars. It was alright, I guess. It was pretty much the same as talking to a girl if I compare the content of the conversation. He randomly told me that he got hit by a horse over the summer and I was like "uh okay". We worked in a pair to answer some questions on a politic party and we finished by the end of the lesson while other pairs had to take the questions home to finish it off as homework. He was quite polite and even said "thank you" to me at the end of the lesson for some reason. xD

I saw two boys who was in the same class as me back in primary school, but they didn't seem to recognise me? I even had eye-contact with one of them for like 5 seconds and he just had a "wtf" expression. :x I didn't ask them if they remember me or said hi because they were both sitting with their friends and I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. ...Or maybe they didn't recognise me because my Facebook profile picture looks really different compared to how I look in real life, LOL.

kthxbai.

Unused to school.

It's been a couple of days since school started and I think I'm already starting to fall behind on the work. :s I've been so tired on school days lately. I sleep as soon as I get home and then I don't wake up until the next morning just to go to school again. I've been back from school for about an hour and I'm already feeling sleepy. I really need to do my art homework though.

I was late for my classic civilisation class today because I got lost. -_-; The annoying thing is that the teacher gave me a late mark, but there was another girl who was came later than me but the teacher just said "It's your first late so it's okay". Um, it's the first late for me too...? We even had the same excuse since both of us got lost. :\ I had a really bad impression of that teacher after that. Plus she said that Helen of Troy (since we're studying ancient Greek mythology) was a whore if she had willingly went to prince Paris. I'm not sure if she's trying to be funny or something, but it didn't seem like a joke and no one even laughed. I can see where she is coming from if she said that Helen was a cheater, but I don't think going to another man should be considered as "whore"-ish. Obviously the teacher is not a feminist.

I don't really like my physics class because there's nobody that I know. The teacher also talks a bit too much instead of getting straight to the point. :x

I haven't been making any new friends or meeting new people at all. I think I'm starting to get a little pessimistic. I'm also getting the urge to get a boyish haircut again because I sort of subconsciously feel that I'd be treated better if I looked like a guy. I always go through these wanting-to-look-like-a-guy phrases whenever something bad happens.

Sometimes I feel like I'm expecting too much. I guess I'm going to start on my art homework now.

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Edit: Yaaay, I just changed my blog layout! The colour scheme's the same, but it looks so much better since the post background used to be just a massive block of text. Now you can see more of the pink heart background. :D

Here's a photo because I haven't posted any in a while:

In the original photo, I actually didn't have any makeup on, but I photoshopped my zits away, drew on eyeshadow, edited on false lashes, etc. I'm getting better and better at Photoshop now, lol. I wish there was a class for this in school. Then every lesson, all that the students would do is take badly taken photos and photoshop them to look better. If a class like this existed, it would be my most favourite class ever. ;-;

First day of sixth form.

Today was my first day of sixth form (year 12). We didn't have any lessons and sort of just sat around and met our form tutors.

School does feel quite different as a sixth former actually, especially since we finally get to wear our own clothes (the lower years have to wear uniform). Plus I felt much more casual and free in a way, and the lower years seem to look at me in awe. xD Usually when I almost bump into someone in the corridors when I was back in year 11, they would give me annoyed looks but now they just laugh it off. I'm still quite short though and a lot of the students from lower years were taller than me. :x

Quite a lot of people complimented my outfit - I would've taken a photo but I didn't think of blogging about this, so I've already changed back to comfortable clothes. -_-

One good thing is that there's at least one person that I know in each of my classes! :D But I was so sad when I found out that the friend who I went on Omegle with was going to another school. I didn't know until I stalked her Facebook. She's a lot of fun to be around and we laughed so much during Latin lessons last year. Hopefully we can meet up next holiday to go on Omegle again and talk about sixth form life in different schools.

Right at the beginning of the day, I went to the sixth form centre where everyone was gathering and I was just standing around like a noob because I couldn't see any of my friends. Then one of the new year 12 girls came over to me and asked me to join her with more of the new students. She thought that I was new to the school because I looked a bit lost. xD I really hope that I'll meet more of the new students and make some new friends. c:

That's all for now, bye bye~

Insecure.

I just looked in the mirror and for some reason I thought I looked gross and ugly. I've never felt so gross and ugly before in my whole life.

I have these stupid smile lines appearing on my face that makes me look like an old wrinkly woman. I was going to show my mom those ugly smile lines by pressing my index fingers over them, but my mom said it made me look ugly like an old woman and that it made my mouth protrude. My mouth protrudes in a stupid way like a duck and it looks disgusting and stupid. My whole face is stupid. I felt so ugly that i wanted to just die.

I used a handheld massaging device on my face to try and change my face shape. Maybe it would make my face thinner and get rid of my stupid fats by relaxing the muscles like botox. Or would it just make a face sag, idk. While I was massaging my face, I started crying because I just felt so gross and ugly.

I want to get plastic surgery when I'm 18. I don't care if I don't have money or if I get into a huge debt. I want a higher nose bridge, more prominent cheekbones, thinner lips, pinker lips, smaller face, curvier forehead. I also want my teeth to be sanded down so that my mouth doesn't protrude as much and I want to get filler where my smile lines are. I want to redo my entire face. I hate everything, it's all ugly.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm PMSing, but I've never felt so ugly in my life.

This is stupid. My face is ugly. Even my life is ugly. Everything is ugly.

I hate this.


Edit:  I'm already feeling better now. I think that was just a sudden mood swing. ;__; Btw, I took off the poll because I figured that I should just blog about whatever I feel like instead of pleasing an audience. *shrug*

A poll for the lurkers!

Hi! Just a quick and short entry - I wanted to let you all know that I just put up a poll on my blog. It should be right above the blog archive ection. I'm curious what kind of content you like to read on my blog so that I can continue making more of those particular entries. ^^

If you choose "Other", please feel free to leave a comment on any of my entries to tell me which kind of entries you enjoy the most if I've forgotten to put it as an option! I'll be leaving the poll on there for a month or more, depending on how many people have voted.

Sorry that this entry is so short, but here's a screenshot I took when my ranking became #888. It's just really complete looking and looked special so I wanted to remember this! 8 also symbolises eternity/infinity in most East Asian cultures (I think).

That's all I have to say for now. Bye bye~

Useless post.

Yo, lurkers! It's been a while since my last update.

Random picture is random.

I've completed my 2 weeks of work experience at an architectural company. It was pretty interesting and I learnt quite a lot despite acting like a noob the whole time. The director gave me a £15 voucher which was awesome. :D I'm officially on summer vacation now. So far we don't have plans to go anywhere, though I don't particularly mind since my home is so quiet and peaceful with my dad away.

Oh and a few weeks ago, some sick drunk pervert tried to molest me on my way home from work. He kept touching my shoulders and hair, and even tried to touch my chest. I was too shocked to do anything since I didn't expect something like that to happen to me. Should've kicked him in the balls. -__- I'm not going into too much detail on this incident though since it's in the past now and I've learnt what I should do next time this happens again (scream and kick him in the fawking balls).

Today I discovered that I've been applying my concealing incorrectly. The area between my nose and my upper lips are always looks dark for some reason, especially after putting on foundation, which makes me look like I have a moustache. • ~ • I kept putting on layers and layers of concealer but it still wouldn't cover up the dark patch. Then I tried dabbing on the concealer instead of rubbing it onto my skin (which I always do), and finally it covered up the dark patch! :D So yeah, if you've been applying concealer the same way I did and wondered why it doesn't work, try dabbing it onto your skin instead.

I'll probably have nothing much to do over the summer. I might actually make a useful post on a makeup tutorial or a review since a lot of lost people have been wandering onto my blog hoping to read something helpful, but then it turns out I'm just ranting about my life and my appearance, lol.

I have a couple of e-mails I should be typing but I'm feeling too lazy to do anything right now. > < I'm going to finish this entry here since I can't think of anything else to talk about. Bye bye~

My prom experience.

To sum it all up, it wasn't that great.

I put a lot of effort into dressing up. I figured that if I was going to dress up, I might as well dress up to the max and give everyone a huge transformation surprise. I put on contact lenses and false eyelashes, covered up all my blemishes and imperfections, and put on my new Clair Beauty wig (will do a review on this when I have more time [update: the review is now up! :D]). I thought I looked really pretty and completely different with a slight hint of gyaru style when looking at myself in the bathroom and bedroom mirror, but for some reason when I got to the prom place, I still looked like myself, except with my eyes overly lined with black eyeliner. Even my spots showed up clearly and my wig suddenly looked very droopy (I don't think it's the wig's problem though) when my makeup looked perfect before I left the house.

Despite my appearance not turning out how I expected, I had fun at the beginning just taking photos of people and having my photo taken with others. Plus a lot of the people who don't usually talk to me said hi to me. Then we had dinner and the food was yummy though there was only 4 different type of dishes. I heard from the girls who organised the prom say that it's supposed to be a buffet, but everything was gone after everyone had just one serving. :s

Things started going bleh for me after that. Everyone started getting up to dance and the whole room lighting changed into a nightclubby atmosphere, but I'm not the dancing kind of person. I tried to get in the mood and side-stepped in time to the music, but it got really tedious after 5 minutes. A few years ago, I went to a similar party and back then I felt high and was completely fine with jumping and bouncing all over the dancefloor like a doofus. But for some reason, I didn't get the same 'high' feeling today and I just felt really self-conscious.

While I was on the dancefloor, people kept crashing into me, trampling over my feet and lifting up their arms in the air while dancing, unleashing their armpit smell. Obviously it wasn't very pleasant. x-x There were some random guys that some of the popular girls invited and they were just whooping and cheering like apes and crashing into other girls. :\

I already wanted to leave an hour after the party officially started, but I hung around for another hour and I just felt more and more miserable as time passed. So I called my brother and he came to pick me up by bus earlier. I originally planned to leave at 11 PM, but I left at around 10:10 PM or so. I'm so thankful that my brother was willing to make the same trip twice (he also escorted me to the prom), especially when it was dark and rainy outside.

Here's a photo of my prom dress:

Sorry for the blurry photo, but this one showed most of my outfit. It's not very clear but there's a white bow at the front. I wanted to take my cardigan off (I think the dress looks way better without it) but then my bra straps would be visible. xD The wig is supposed to look brown with a tiny hint of a reddish undertone, but it looked pretty black in the room.

I feel so lonely.

For some reason, the friends I used to talk to don't talk to me as much anymore.

You know the friend I've mentioned before whom I added on Skype? She's the same person as Girl B in this entry. For some reason she isn't talking to me as much anymore. I helped her out with another girl's art project at school Tuesday morning, but as soon as the girl came in to school, she ran off to her like a little puppy and clung to her side. Then the teacher asked me to help with something else and I had no idea how and I needed someone to help me, and she didn't even offer to help and just left with the girl. I thought she was a good friend. Even though I made a Facebook post saying that I was going through a hard time, she didn't ask me if I was okay or anything. I never see her on Skype anymore and whenever we do talk online, she'd say "brb" and go offline for the rest of the day.

And there's also the friend I went on Omegle with from this entry. She's also not talking to me as much anymore. She didn't ask if I was okay when I posted that status on Facebook either. I don't blame her as much because we've met fairly recently so maybe she felt that she shouldn't pry into my personal life.

In the end, the people who cared about me were the people whom I thought were fake friends. The day the incident happened, I e-mailed my 'best friend' and she asked if my mom was okay. She told me to not think about it and to focus on revision because we had an exam the next day. She's still sending me e-mails and talking to me, which makes me really happy because it feels like she's trying to be there for me, even though she's told me before that she doesn't know how to comfort people. Even the girl who spread rumours about me a few years ago was the first to ask me if I was okay. Today she messaged me on Facebook to ask me how I am. Even my best friend from primary school who I haven't spoken to in years asked me if I was alright, and I used to think she was annoying because she'd always be jealous whenever I talked to other people.

All the people who I thought were nice turned out to be unreliable. All the people who I thought couldn't be trusted turned out to be the most caring. Everything's a bit messed up right now. I feel guilty for thinking so badly of them before. I'm so bad at judging people and I feel like such a jerk.

If any of you somehow found my blog and are reading this, I'm sorry for misjudging you and for all the bad things I've said about you in the past. D:

I don't know why but...

I kind of miss my dad. I miss how he was before he became all fawked up in the head. He didn't used to be like this. He still often argued with my mom in the past over money problems, but he never did anything that could seriously hurt the family.

He got worse and worse after we moved to our new flat by the river around 2-3 years ago. That's around the same time when he started having an affair with another woman. Maybe the woman gave him some kind of an STD that made him all messed up? :\

Or maybe he could no longer make an effort to pretend to be a good person in front of me and my brother. My mom has told me stories of how badly he had treated her before. He accused my mom of causing his own father's death before me and my brother were born. Maybe he's always been like this and it's just that I never realised.

Either way, I'm not letting him come back unless he has changed himself completely. Actually, even if he changed and begged to come back, I still don't think I'd let him.

I'll miss the person he used to be and forever hate the person he became. Because they are two different people.

//feeling down in the dumps

This is what happened.

Although someone bailed my dad out, he is not allowed to contact me, my mom or my brother. Not even through e-mails, text, phone calls, etc.

I really love England now. I used to really dislike living here because everything is so expensive and there are some people who aren't very nice to me at school. I've even encountered some people who seemed racist.

After my brother first called the police, they arrived within 10 minutes, investigated everything thoroughly and took appropriate actions (ie. taking my dad to the police station and setting restrictions). I've always heard stories about how the police is corrupted, how they don't do their job properly, and how they take hours to arrive at the crime scene. I guess you really can't judge something based on the media.

The police officers were really nice and understanding. When they asked me questions and I was speaking really quietly, they didn't act exasperated and they didn't cut me off while I was in the middle of talking.

I told the school about what had happened because I had an exam the day after the incident. I wanted to miss the exam because I was worried that my dad might come back and I wouldn't be able to concentrate, but then a teacher suggested to give it a go (I didn't do very well though because I didn't revise at all the day before). They got two teachers to speak to me and they arranged a legal advice-giving authority to contact my mom so that they can discuss what they can do next.

When the incident first happened, I made a Facebook post after the police left, explaining what happened while swearing aggressively. xD I then deleted it when my friend said she's worried about the reactions I'd get, but one of my cousins (from my dad's side) saw it and private messaged me.

At first I thought he was concerned about what happened, but I think my aunts (from dad's side) made him say stupid shit like "the family is in great pain because your father was sent to the police by his own son" and threatening that "second aunt won't forgive you or your brother if you don't help him". Um, did it occur to them that I don't give a shit? Why the fuck would I want to help someone who almost killed my mom?

Even though it's been three days since the incident, the left side of my mom's face is still swollen and completely covered in purple and black blotches. We noticed that there was a huge purple bruise on my mom's left temple. If you hit someone in the temples hard enough, they will die. My mom even said that the shithead wasn't holding back at all. Luckily, the fucktard's aim wasn't very accurate otherwise she would've died.

I replied to my cousin with a long message:

My mom, my brother and I are already on our own. Just because he used to earn income for the family doesn't give him the right to behave the way he did. There is no excuse for violence, regardless of how angry someone is.

I already can't forgive myself for not calling the police last year and for not coming home earlier today, so I don't think another person who doesn't forgive me would make a difference.

It was my dad's own choice to hit my mom and he can take responsibility for his actions. I do not see why me and my brother should clear up after his own mess, especially when what he has done had hurt my mom, and especially since he refuses to change his behavior and attitude.

He can call his friends himself if he wants to be bailed out. It would be better for him if he explained what happened to his friends in his own words anyway. He has always been accusing my mom of saying bad things about him to his friends, so if my mom contacted any of his friends, my dad would only get angry.

Sorry if I'm being rude but that's how I really feel.

Even if my brother, my mom or I tried to help him, the police would consider our safety above anything else. There is nothing that can be done. The rest is up to my dad and how he behaves.

Apparently he sent what I wrote to my aunts and they sent me e-mails to my personal e-mail address. Guess what 90% of the content was about? MONEY MONEY MONEY. Even though I never mentioned anything about money, they were throwing these words into my face. They didn't even read what I wrote and spewed some shit about how pitiful my dad is, how we should appreciate him, how everything is my mom's fault, blahblahblah more shit. They kept lecturing how we shouldn't swear at my dad while taking his money at the same time. Wtf I don't even want to touch his money. Gross. Besides, like I had said to them, "just because he used to earn income for the family doesn't give him the right to behave the way he did". Fucking idiots can't read.

One of my aunts even tried to entice me and my brother by saying that she would help pay our college tuition fees while she was saying that everything is my mom's fault in the same e-mail. Well guess what? We don't want her dirty money.

They were even saying that my dad would never start a fight and that it must be because my mom hit him first or some shit. Oh I'm sorry but the one who was there when it happened is my brother. He knows what happened. He saw what happened. The last time I checked, my brother isn't a fat 60-year-old pig living in Asia.

I sent my uncle a reply because he was the only one who understood basic etiquette and didn't blame everything on my mom. I asked him to tell those pigs not to send anymore e-mails as they only made me hate my dad more. I also said that I will no longer be replying to them.


I think that explains mostly what happened. I might have missed out some details that I forgot to mention, but that's the basic story. I was originally going to talk about how life is so much better without my dad but I started ranting and this entry is already quite long, haha. I'll save that for a later entry.

My dad has been arrested.

He punched my mom 3-4 times in the face. My brother intervened and then he punched him too. My brother called the police and they have taken my dad away and he won't be allowed back in our flat. I was at school when this whole thing happened and I came home to find police officers in the living room.

I don't really know what to say. Thank god my brother was there. I wish I had been there so that I can beat the shit out of that fucktard.

More on this later.

Tapered eyelids + new makeup style

I've decided to give up on parallel eyelids. Less than a week ago, my right eyelid suddenly became tapered permanently so I'm not going to fight it anymore. The good thing is that I now only need to use double eyelid glue on my left eye. :D

Here's a picture I took a few days ago. I actually really like how tapered eyelids look on me now! :D

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've also changed the way I apply my eyeliner. I realised that my eyes kind of slant upwards - by that I mean the outer corner of my eyes are slightly higher than the inner corners. I haven't yet checked other people's eyes to see if this is normal but I thought maybe it's because of this that my eyes look so strange when I draw upward wings.

My eyelids are rather small, so I figured that I should stop concentrating my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, but instead on the lower eyelids. This makes your double eyelids look bigger because drawing on your upper lids makes it look thinner. I always look so creepy when I draw on my upper lids, even when it's just a thin line. This way of applying eyeliner is also good if you don't have a lot of lower eyelashes (or if they're uneven) like me.

I wish I had my eyeliner with me right now so I can demonstrate the difference between concentrating your eyeliner on your upper and lower eyelids, but it's 7 AM and I still haven't slept yet. Plus I have a bit of a head congestion and it doesn't feel very good. :x

I'm still an amateur when it comes to makeup, so don't listen to me if I'm just spewing nonsense. xD

On a random note, my mom ordered two wigs for me so I'll do a review on them when they've arrived. :D

Gosh I just realised that I haven't mentioned a single thing about my GCSE exams. I have no idea how I did. :x I'm so worried about the results of my physics though because I found the test SUPER hard and I'm hoping to take physics next year. D: Or maybe I should be an interior designer instead of an architect. I've sort of lost interest in architecture after I realised that it's so computer-based. My life would be so sad if I'm using the computer all day at work, and then using it again all day at home. My life would literally be completely computer-orientated and that wouldn't be healthy at all. x_x Besides, I really like dressing up so it would be inappropriate to go to a construction site in a frilly dress or something, lol.

I still don't know what I want to do as a career, really. I wish I could become a full-time blogger though, but then again I'm not sure if I can handle haters. :x

Appearance Upgrade

Yup, this is the list of things I need to do to upgrade my appearance!

1. Dye my hair. I want the colour in the picture below (which I edited). I think the photo-editor said that the colour was reddish-brown. Sadly, dying my hair would mean no more hair extensions because they're different colours! D: I don't want them to sit in the bottom of my drawer for the years to come. If only there's a way of dying synthetic hair extensions. Though I could dye my hair just a dark brown colour to match the extensions, but I want a colour that's dramatically different.

2. Buy brown eyebrow pencil. Since my hair will be dyed brown, I'll be dying my eyebrows as well. I'm going to need brown eyebrow pencil to fill them in. My eyebrows look pretty thick in real life, but for some reason they look really faded on camera

3. Lose weight. Because my thighs and arms look so fat, fml.

4. Pinch nose. That probably sounded weird, but pinching your nose makes your nose taller. Mine is so flat at the moment. D: The noseclip my mom asked her friends in Taiwan to buy hasn't arrived yet because they keep forgetting to put it in the parcel along with the other stuff we asked for, haha.

5. Buy an angled make-up brush. I think this would be so much easier to control because eyeliner pencils are pretty blunt, and I'm pretty good with paintbrushes already. :D It's such a waste to keep sharpening them if there's still a lot of eyeliner left, so I can just use the brush to make the lines look more defined.

6. Buy white eyeliner pencil. So that I can line my waterline and make my eyes look BIIIG.

7. Buy fake eyelashes and eyelash glue. Because they make your eyes look so big and pretty. *o*

8. Thinner jaw and smaller cheekbones. Okay I don't know how I can achieve this without plastic surgery, but I'll try massaging my bones or something.

9. Grow taller.

10. Brighten face with lemons. My face has a sickly yellow/brown look to it, which looks nasty on me. I want to use lemons to bleach away the yellowness somehow.

That's all I can think of for now. I might add to this as I go along.

Argh I really want to go to Taiwan this summer, especially since I now put on makeup when I go out. Last year when I went there, I didn't use any makeup so I feel like I wasn't at my prettiest. :x I want to look pretty in Taiwan because people there could understand the Asian sense of beauty, if you get what I mean. In England, I'm not considered to be pretty by non-Asian people but in Taiwan, almost everyone there is Asian so I get quite a lot of compliments. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy. :D

Edit: Oh gosh, I can't believe I forgot the thing I want to buy the most.

11. Buy a male wig. I want this so badly owepijrwoiejr ;__; It's either this, or a boyish haircut. But I don't want to risk looking like a little boy, so a wig would be the safe choice. I WANT A BOYISH HAIRCUT OPEJROEWIJRT.

Realistically speaking...

...there is no way that I'd be able to look like Yu Ha Min if I get a boyish haircut. ;__; (Unless I get plastic surgery, but that is waaay too painful for me. Though when I'm older, I'd like to get my nose done - only as a last resort. *shifty eyes*)

 Why can't I look like that!? ^ (That's a rhetorical question so shush.) I think even if I were to get a boyish haircut, I'd still look like a girl, or a really chubby and short 11-year-old boy. Besides, my hips are too wide to pull off looking like a guy.

So I'm going to set aside my dream of looking like a pretty boy for now and instead, I want to become a shu nu (淑女). Yep, I'm going towards the extreme opposite of a tomboy.

Actually, now that I'm typing about it, maybe I'd like to have a more ulzzang-y vibe so I can be a bit more creative and expressive with my style of clothing. Shu nu's can wear bright clothes too, but I imagine them to wear dainty and delicate dresses. I just have this vision of shu nu's being all reserved and demure. If I were a guy, I'd like a girl who is shu nu, so it feels like I can protect and take care of her. I'd beat up anyone who picks on her. asdfghjkl;

*cough*

Anyway. I've been changing my mind A LOT over whether I should get a boyish haircut or not. I want to grow my hair out and dye it brown this summer. I also want to look like a guy but like I said at the beginning of this post, it's quite unrealistic considering that I want to look like a hot guy. My eyes are too round. My face is too chubby. My legs are too fat. My height is too short. My nose is too flat. My hips are too wide. My boobs are too big (I don't think binding would be good in the long-run). I could go on and on.

The ONLY part of my body that would fit in with a guy's figure is probably my shoulders. :| They're pretty wide, in my opinion. My wrists also look pretty manly if I wear some kind of a bracelet, LOL.

-

My revision is also going horribly. I still have not done a single thing. Well, I did do three paintings yesterday but that doesn't count because it's work that I should have done aeons ago.

I wrote the times of all my exams on my calendar and it actually doesn't seem that bad. The only thing I'm really stressed about is maths. I finally understand all the people who have complained about how hard it is! I used to just be like "Psh, maths is easy", but it really depends on what kind of level you're on. *sigh* GCSE maths IS easy, but A-level isn't.

I did try to spend a couple of hours reading through my maths notes, but none of the information seemed to be registering in my brain. I pretty much just stared at and re-read the same page over and over again for hours. I then tried to re-copy out all my notes and condensing it to group together all the important points, but I got really tired just after going through the formula for working out the standard deviation and the variance of data.

Help. x__x

Oh god.

Study leave began last Friday and we had our last day of year 11 then as well.

Now it's Thursday.

It's been almost ONE WHOLE WEEK and I have not done a SINGLE thing for revision. My exams are in less than a week. ;__; I'm so worried about my statistics exam. I don't even get half of what's going on in my notes. Plus I'm supposed to be good at anything mathematical so I'm expected to do really well on this. Fml.

What the fuck my dad just sat on my art book. He's been trying to get on my good side because he realised how much I fucking hate him. I don't even look at him (took him a week to notice -__-). Sitting on artwork that someone has spent months on is definitely NOT how you make up with them. I'm already really stressed and he's just making things worse.

Short entry today. Need to get on with my art stuff.

I think I used to be depressed.

I was reading through my old LiveJournal account which I had used to rant about personal things in my life (I namedropped everyone and said the truth about everything, as boring or complicated as it was). On this blog, I feel sort of more restrained - I have to use a nickname to refer to the people I'm talking about, just in case they find this blog somehow.

Anyway, onto the main topic of this post: after reading all my entries, I think I used to be depressed. And I think I had been a better writer. Damn it, I should be improving. Honestly, as stuck-up and arrogant as this might sound, I seriously enjoy my style of writing from before. It was more dramatic, more interesting and it made me want to read on (even though it's my own journal). I don't remember writing some of the entries though. I'll copy and paste a couple of extracts to show you what I mean by the old me being depressed (they are all written a bit more than two years ago).

-

I am no longer telling anyone anything anymore. Not when they will force me to do something I don't want to do.

My mom doesn't understand. She never does. The reason why I'm so weak: it's because I feel so lonely. I don't care if I am being used. Just the thought that I am useful is enough. I crave for company, for acknowledgment, for someone to accept and understand.

Just leave me alone.

 -

I have finally realized what I truly want:

Power, authority, control, and respect.

I crave for power. The authority to command others. I want the ability to silence imbeciles with a simple gesture. I want to control whether someone speaks or not. I want respect, so everyone would listen to what I have to say. Perhaps even fear.

I don't want anyone looking down at me anymore, I don't want to be spoken to as if I was inferior, and I don't want to struggle for acceptance.

 -

I feel like running away. I want to get away from all of this. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of school, of my dad, of my life. I'm probably just a burden anyway. All I do is upset people. I know that I should be grateful to my dad for working to earn money and for raising me, but I'm just tired now. I'm just tired.

If only I could just disappear. I want to just sleep and never wake up.

My heart hurts. The tears won't stop coming. My wish from so long ago never came true after all. If it did, it would have been better. Everything would have been better. I just can't take it anymore. It's enough.

If this is what life is, then I'm done with it. I could kill myself right now, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.

Who knew this could have happened?

-

Don't these entries just make you feel so sad? Even though I was the one who wrote them, they're just so heartwrenching. If it was someone else who had written those, I'd really like to give her a hug and tell her that I'll always be there for her, that things will get better. The writer just seems like she's lost all hope and doesn't care about herself anymore. It's just so heartbreaking.

Of course, there were other more 'ordinary' entries but they aren't as significant. I still rant about anything bad that happens, but I no longer think about suicide or that everything would be better if I had never existed. I'm happy for that. I'm happy that I changed. I'm happy that I realised life wasn't like how I thought it was.

Maybe things are really getting better.

Long time no post.

Lately I've been ranting on TinierMe instead of posting here, especially since the rants were pretty trivial. ^^;

Yesterday, one of my friends came over and we went on Omegle. We met a decent guy whom we then added on Facebook. Don't worry though, I'm sure he's a normal person! I've never had this much fun with my 'best friend' and my other fake 'friends'. So this is what it's like for normal people when they have friends coming over! :D My 'best friend' is really conservative about these things - she says that I'm weird for talking to people from other countries online. She judges me whenever I do something 'weird' or 'unusual'. But with this friend, we could have fun and laugh a lot. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with her. I'm very happy! ♥

Today I cleared out my hair accessories basket and added sections to it to make it more organised.

Haha, I took a photo of it out of boredom. It doesn't look like I have a lot, but the accessories are stacked on top of each other. Before I had tidied it up, they literally filled the basket up to the edges.

This is another photo of the basket. My camera had automatically adjusted itself to 'Nightscene' mode, and it created this cool swirly effect. I edited the frame in though. I think it looks pretty!

Lately I think I've been becoming more and more girly. In the past, I used to just throw on some clothes before going out but now I co-ordinate my clothes, put on hair extensions, wear matching hair accessories and put on makeup. It makes me spent waaay more time just to go out. I used to not understand why some girls spend so much time putting on makeup, but now I find it really fun! :D I really enjoy dolling myself up and it makes me feel more confident with my appearance.

Argh, my dad just spazzed out and shrieking at me over something stupid that's not worth mentioning. :| I'm gonna go and do something to cheer myself up.

Pretty boys and maknaes.

I don't know why but I have this thing for pretty boys and maknaes, like Infinite's Sungjong and SHINee's Taemin. Lately I've been having this crush on Ren from NU'EST (as of yesterday, actually):

He is so pretty and I love his singing voice~ <3 I watched some behind-the-scenes videos and a reality show they're doing on YouTube and Ren seems really quiet and not very talkative, which I find very cute. Though it's so unfair that when a boy is untalkative, he seems so loveable and adorable, but when a girl is untalkative, people start saying that she's weird, moody, bitchy, etc. Trust me, I know. I've always been a quiet and untalkative girl in my school and because of that, a lot of people spread rumours about me.

Despite Ren's girl-like appearance, he's actually pretty manly when he dances. His expressions just look so cool and manly. xD I keep replaying his parts in the music video of NU'EST's song 'Face'. I can't get over how cute he is and OH MAI GAWD, his version of the teaser for 'Face' was just ridiculously gorgeous. o__o

I think pretty boys are one of the reasons why I want to be a guy. I want to be a pretty boy too! ; w ; I'm still debating over whether I should get a boyish haircut or not. At first I thought I was 100% sure, but when earlier on just now, my mom said that she thinks long hair looks better on me. I got my hair cut shorter and layered not long ago (have I mentioned this already? I can't remember), and I don't really like how it looks at the moment. My head looks so big and puffy! D:

I've asked a couple of people at school whether I should get a short haircut or not and most of them said no, though they didn't give a proper reason so it didn't help. I don't think they knew that my aim is to look like a guy. In the mean time while I continue thinking about this, I'll try to grow taller and thin down. Lately I've realised how much I eat everyday. I swear I'm snacking almost every hour.

Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep or do something else. Bye bye~

Starting to have second thoughts.

Over cutting my hair. I've already had my hair cut an inch or two shorter than it used to be, and today I got it sort of layered. I'm not sure if it looks good or not. My hair looks super thin for some reason (I thought it'd give me more volume) and my head also looks big at the same time. I hope this doesn't worsen if I do end up cutting my hair boy short. D:

I'm so short as well. I think if I got a boyish haircut, I'd just look like a little kid - which I don't want. But since my hair is already so short now (compared to my hair in the past), I might as well cut it even shorter. I have hair extensions anyway so I can just wear them if I really dislike having short hair.

I want to start dieting, but I don't want to end up taking away the nutrients that I need in order to grow. I've been taking growth pills and I feel like I'm a bit taller now, but last night my mom measured me and I was only 159 cm (I always thought I was 160 cm). ;-; I was expecting at least 163 cm or something. I just want to grow up to around 170 cm and I'd be satisfied.

I still have a couple of months to think about it, because I still want to have girly hair for prom in July. xD I'll try to use this time to thin down and pinch my nose to make it taller.

More hair talk.

It's been a while since my last post (kind of). I'm almost 100% convinced that I'm going to be getting a boyish haircut - maybe by this summer or winter. I'd like my hair to look like Lin Zai Zai's:

I don't think I'd be able to pull it off as well though. I'll be pinching my nose a lot to make it look sharper. :D My mom's buying me a nose clip that is said to be able to make people's noses look taller/higher, so I might do a review on that once it arrives. I've read a lot of reviews that said the nose clips don't work, but I'm really sceptical because I've been pinching my nose with my fingers for the last couple of months and I feel that it has gone a lot higher.

I need to grow taller too even though I'm coming to the end of my growing years. And I need to slim down too so that my face wouldn't look really fat with short hair since my face is already quite chubby. @_@

Yesterday, I had a haircut and got a few inches of my hair cut off because my ends were really damaged. I think it looks quite cute, but it made my face look bigger because the weight of my hair isn't pulling itself down to frame my face anymore. x__x Oh well, I need to get used to having hair in my face/near my eyes.

Also, I'm curious how some people's hair sort of group together. Like in the last picture of Zai Zai above, her fringe sort of gathers and become thinner and thinner? I drew a picture to illustrate what I mean:

Sorry about the crappiness. xD

I want my fringe to look like how it is in diagram 1, but for some reason mine just sprays out into individual strands of hair like in diagram 2. It looks very messy, and I don't know what the problem is. D: Did they use some kind of a hairstyling product?

Anyway, I better go to some homework now (I'll probably just end up surfing the Internet), so I'll end this here.

Seriously considering a boyish haircut.

I really want my hair to be cut really short. I've been wondering whether being a tomboy would suit me or not. My posture and the way I walk is quite similar to a guy's, I have a monotonous voice, I don't mind making faces that would be considered unattractive. I've been wanting a boyish haircut for a long time. Besides, it would be nice to have a dramatic change once in a while.

I've asked some of my friends whether I should get a boyish haircut. Two said yes, three said no. My 'best friend' said that it would look ugly and disgusting. She seemed to be getting the impression that I was a lesbian or something. I think she's homophobic to some extent. I told her that two other girls in our year have really short, boyish hairstyles, but she said it was different for them because they act more girly and that I already act like a boy. Isn't it more socially accepted for someone who looks like a boy to act like one, rather than a girl who acts like a boy?

One of my concerns is whether I would look good with a short haircut or not. I'd take a photo of myself and edit a short haircut on using Photoshop, but my photos usually end up not looking like how I do in real life. I don't have a lot of boyish clothes either. I'm really short as well. I wish I had smaller breasts because they look pretty obvious when I'm just wearing a normal shirt. x__x I could get one of those compression shirts though. I'm also trying to pinch my nose to make it taller/higher so that it would look better.

I've told my mom about wanting to get a boyish haircut, and she said it's fine as long as it looks okay. Even if I end up regretting it, I could just get a fashion wig or something. I've seen a lot of really nice female wigs that I want to get, but not as many male ones.

I also really like girly things, like the colour pink and floral stuff as you can tell from my blog layout. And I like wearing dresses and skirts and looking pretty. D:

Meh I don't know... @_@

Scared.

The whole affair thing my dad's having isn't turning out like how I imagined it.

My mom had already properly talked to him about divorcing and splitting the money. At first he agreed, but then he seems to be backing out. I don't even know why. Why is he clinging on to mom and refusing to go to the 'woman of his dreams'? It's not like he has anything to lose.

Today my mom openly confronted him, saying that she knew about the affair. But my dad kept denying it and called her "crazy". I was sitting at my laptop in the dining room while my mom was in the kitchen when this happened. I suddenly heard my dad making an abrupt movement from his room and I thought he was going to try to kill my mom like he did last time.

I just felt cold internally. I would never, ever, ever forgive my dad if he did something to hurt my mom physically. I even prepared a pair of scissors next to me in case he tries to do something.

I don't understand. My mom even told him that they'd continue trying to start their food business together, except that they'd be separated in terms of personal life. Isn't that a fair deal? I think my dad's just clinging on to my mom just for her money. He's always so obsessed about money, shrieking how the family's wasting his money all the time. He's been trying to be 'nice' to my mom after she brought up divorcing, like telling her to forget about the past and all that. But my mom can't forget. She can't forgive him for all the horrible things he has done, and how much he has ruined her life. Even if she did forgive and forget, the same things would just happen again.

I'm really scared that my dad might hurt my mom. He has theatened to kill her before. It wasn't even like "If you don't do this, I'll kill you" or "I want to kill you". Just "I'm going to kill you". Except that the phrase was yelled in a insane, uncontrollable manner.

I wish someone would take him away. I actually wanted to call the police last time, but I was crying far too much to be able to speak properly.

Another tomboy phase.

Argh. I just want to get a pair of scissors and chop my hair right off. Not because it's bugging me or anything, but because I want to look like a boy.

I like wearing dresses and putting on makeup though, but I also want to look like a guy sometimes. I'm afraid that if I cut my hair really short, I'd end up regretting it and would have to wait a few years for it to grow back.

I want a male wig. D: One of those really nice K-pop styled ones. I probably wouldn't be able to get one until the next time I go to Taiwan (God knows how long), since everything in Taiwan is generally cheaper and I'd probably be able to try on a wig to see if it would suit me.

I want to be able to run my hand through my hair or flick my hair without looking like a narcissistic girl. I want to be able to laugh it off if someone calls me a "slut". I'd had a person calling me a slut before because I was apparently wearing a short skirt (that wasn't even 10 cm above my knee). Even though she was probably joking, I was pretty offended because I didn't know her well at all, so she really shouldn't be 'joking' like this. :\ But if I had been a guy in that situation, I'd probably say something like "Go suck a dick :D" and laugh instead of just walking away and letting myself be degraded that way.

Okay, I guess I could still say the same thing as a girl, but you know how girls always have to keep up with this pure, innocent image? Especially girls like me who are shy and quiet? If I say something 'mean' that is nothing compared to what other girls say, people would start spreading rumours about how vulgar I am.

I really want to be a guy. If I sounded arrogant, people would just dismiss it as being confident. As a girl, people would probably call me a "stuck-up bitch".

I know I've made an entry about this before but the urge to be a guy has suddenly come back, so I wanted to rant somewhere.

Kind of a short post today. Need to do a lot of work for French tomorrow.

Back from school.

Still not in a good mood. I was actually going to tell my 'best friend' about how my parents were going to divorce and everything that happened, but she was too busy ignoring/excluding me. Good thing that I didn't tell her though, otherwise she would've somehow ended up telling the whole class.

She was treating me like crap again today. I did a biology test that she's going to do tomorrow, and she asked me what questions came up and I told her. She had already done a physics test that I hadn't done yet, so she vaguely told me one or two things that came up. At first I thought that was all and maybe there wasn't much to say about the test anyway, but then I overheard her voluntarily blabbing the answers to someone else yet to do the test.

When I did the test later on in the day and it wasn't anything like how she described it. She said all I had to do was to do some calculations, and that they give the formulae in the test. The formulae WERE given in the test, but the teacher had already told us this long ago. The exam didn't just have calculations. It also had a lot of questions that required studying for you to be able to answer it correctly.

I can take a guess why she's acting this way - telling someone else the answers but not me. I think she's probably jealous of me, maybe, because in my last physics test I got a higher score than her. But even if that's true, I've always been getting better scores than her in almost all subjects, so I don't see why she'd treat me this way only now.

Then she wanted to go to an art museum with me because it was part of our art homework, but I don't want to go with someone like her. She's always so clingy to me when it comes to art, but then throws me away when she finds someone 'better'. :\ And I didn't like how she was treating my mom the last time we went to a gallery. I guess I'll come up with an excuse to go with JUST my mom. I'd prefer it so much more when I'm with someone I can be myself with.

I've been blogging a lot lately. Most of them were angry or depressed entries. It's hard to be happy when so much crap is happening.

Whenever something bad happens, I always feel like making some kind of a change. Like yesterday after my parents both agreed to divorce, I gave myself a haircut for the first time. Then last night I was feeling like shit from my dad blaming the divorce on me, so I changed my blog design around. I think it looks much better. :)

I have a headache right now. Gonna go take a nap or something.

This isn't helping.

Eh. A lot of crap happened today. Lots of arguing and yelling involved. My parents basically both agreed to divorce, but my dad's hiding money in multiple bank accounts.

Earlier on, my dad pretty much blamed me for causing the divorce. He said that this wouldn't have happened or gotten worse if I didn't tell mom about how he called her a witch, etc. Idiot. The divorce was bound to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with now. My dad has done countless things that pissed mom off - far too many to recount them here. He just couldn't handle the responsibility so he tried to blame it on me. How pathetic. If I didn't know my dad well, I could've gotten depressed and suicidal over the accusation of causing the divorce, like how many kids turn out when their parents divorce. I read on a website that the parents should ensure their children knows that it wasn't their fault. But I guess my dad would rather push the blames onto a freakin' 15-year-old instead of handling it like an adult.

He said that I was the only one who wanted them to divorce. WHAT THE FUCK. Did he forget about everything he said before, like how he wanted to leave and couldn't continue living on like this arguing with mom? And that he shrieked at my mom to get out of the house multiple times? That he's having an affair with another woman? WELL HE DID BECAUSE HE'S THAT FUCKING STUPID. You'd think a cheater (especially a first-timer) would feel guilty about it, but no. Or maybe this isn't my dad's first time cheating. :\

I heard that since my parents got married in Taiwan, they have to go back to Taiwan to get divorced too which isn't very convenient, especially with money being so tight. Does that mean we get to go to Taiwan this summer? :D Yaaay~
...Probably not. Plane tickets are too expensive for us now. My dad said that he's going to move back to Taiwan next week. I hope that's true because that would make me and my mom's life so much easier. But he usually says something about leaving and ends up not leaving. -__-

I have two exams tomorrow. I haven't revised for one AT ALL and only skim-read a textbook for the other test. Well this is going to go great. Hope this doesn't happen for my actual exams because my exams tomorrow are just practices, sort of.

I didn't go to school today because... well I don't even know. Guess I wanted to sleep in or something.

I'm feeling really down again.

I don't like people touching me.

There are exceptions, of course - the people who don't annoy/disgust me and whom I actually like.

Today I was doing chemistry homework with a friend and we were sitting next to each other. We were both stuck on a question, and she called over my 'best friend' to come and help us. But my 'best friend' kept SHOVING her head in between us and putting her head REALLY close to mine (she has bad dandruff and acne, so I wouldn't want any contact with her otherwise I'd end up getting them). She usually hates people being physically close to her as well, so I felt as if she was doing it on purpose to separate me from the other friend. :\

Even after my 'best friend' had finished helping us on that one problem (though it turned out we didn't need her help after all), she continued sticking her head between us and wouldn't go away. She kept trying to answer the questions even though we didn't need anymore help. She was working out the answers so slowly too, so I had already written it down through my own working by the time she said it out loud. -__- Seriously, she was so freakin' close to me that I felt so uncomfortable.

My mom's cooking something in the kitchen just now and when I walked in, my dad happened to be walking in as well. I felt him staring at me so I looked up at him with a puzzled face to see if he wanted something and he was giving me this really angry look - sort of like the look you'd give someone you hated with all your heart. What the hell. And there was me feeling sorry for him. :\ Guess he's really nothing more than a dumb cheater.

Meh I can't tell whether he really did have Botox injections or not. When I looked at him properly for the first time in months, all I saw was a super deep line between his eyebrows because of his angry expression. He brought the wrinkles on himself. If he didn't keep making all those stupid angry faces, his wrinkles wouldn't look as obvious so he'd look younger and not need to get Botox, ultimately saving money while looking better at the same time. *facepalm* Isn't that a win-win situation!? But of course he throws it away because he doesn't think about consequences of his actions.

Pathetic people like these should be quarantined from people who just want to get on with their lives and be happy, otherwise they'd spread their stupidness across the whole globe and the human race would be doomed.

Shitty day.

And there was I thinking that today might actually be a good day. It was okay, honestly, but then everything came crumbling down during art.

In art, we were told to outline bottles using ink with the other end of a paintbrush. Everyone else did their outline in just one colour, but I blended shades of purple and blue in the line and double-lined it with a fainter blue. Then I recreated the shiny curves of the bottle by painting in parts with light yellow ink, going darker/lighter wherever necessary.

Then when I looked up to see where everyone's up to, I saw two people copying me (they were sitting very close to me). Guess who one of those people were? My 'best friend'. Surprise. She was copying me AGAIN.

The other girl copying me is usually nice and talks to me, so I didn't mind her copying me AS much. It's sort of like a one-off, you know? But as for my 'best friend'? HASN'T SHE COPIED ME ENOUGH?

I just felt so indignant.The second part of the exercise was to dab a blotch of ink onto the paper and let the ink trickle down over the outlines. I decided to trickle the ink upwards to make mine a bit different. Then my art teacher singled me out and said, "YOU'RE TRICKLING IT THE WRONG WAY! YOU'RE DOING IT UPWARDS!"

All I did was sit there silently. I heard someone snickering in the background - not sure whether it was aimed at me. I wish I could have said "Actually, I'm doing this on purpose because a couple of uncreative losers are copying me so I want mine to look more different to theirs." But I didn't. I couldn't. After 10 seconds of silence, she said "Oh, never mind, you can trickle it upwards too."

I felt so self-conscious after that, so I started trickling it downwards even though she said upwards was okay too. It ended up ruining my painting. The teacher also told me to paint more bottles even after I had started trickling, so the outlines of the new bottles blended with the trickles and made a huge mess.

While I was walking home (since art was my last lesson), I just kept thinking about how I wanted to rip up my painting and scream out every single thing that is stopping me from being happy. The 10-minute journey home is usually a time of peace for me, because I'd imagine what life would be like if I were different and fantasize about being a guy. But I was just filled with negative thoughts today, and I also kept thinking about how my dad was having an affair - a second life that I knew nothing about. When I got home, I was almost crying.

I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing. Just a little PMS-y, maybe. I'm supposed to prepare my French speaking questions and speeches by tomorrow or something. I haven't even started yet.

Meh

Ehh, the whole affair thing sort of just dawned on me. It really is such a bad thing, actually. :\ At first I thought it was really hilarious, but now I find it kind of gross. It's true that everyone would be happier once my parents divorce, but thinking about it just feels so eurgh. My mom also noticed that my dad had Botox injections done to get rid of his wrinkles. It's just kind of sad how my dad isn't who he used to be anymore (before he had those crazy fits and all that). He's doing all the things I've never expected him to do. There's nothing wrong with cosmetic surgery - I just never thought he'd do it.

My life is such a mess right now. I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want even more drama with my 'best friend' and fake friends. I'd rather stay at home and study for 7 hours instead of spending it at school. I hate this.

I really want my parents to divorce as soon as possible. We'd probably be about to move houses and I might be able to get my own room. Then I could decorate it with all the things I like. It would be like a new start. :)

Short entry again. I just don't know where else to rant.