Jealous again.

Today I snapped at my boyfriend over Girl X. All the incidents just built up and snowballed until I finally couldn't take it anymore. He didn't do anything recently so I probably just looked crazy.

I finally asked him why he told Girl X "You're sweet. I like you.". He doesn't remember. Then he said he meant he just likes her as a friend. He seemed mad. I told him it was still weird to say that. He said he didn't think it was.

I asked him why he listens to everything Girl X says even though he disagrees when I tell him the exact same thing. He says it's only because it's two opinions versus one. I don't know if I believe him. How can someone immediately switch opinions when they were so adamant in the first place? He even got mad at me for it. But he doesn't get mad at Girl X. He listens to her.

He never put up a front around her. A while ago, I asked him if he's noticed that he has changed a lot since we've started dating (he used to be sweet and reassure me whenever I was mad at myself. Now he just gets mad). He said it was because he wasn't bothered with keeping up a good impression anymore. Is his love for me even real if he couldn't even be himself around me at the start? I just asked him about this and he was just being extra attentive to being nice and that he did it to the previous two girls he has liked too.

I wish that whenever I get jealous, he would reassure me with sweet words and tell me I'm the only one he loves. He didn't do that today and he sounded angry. I felt like he didn't care about me or about how I felt. I asked him to do that next time and he said okay, so hopefully he will.

I'm exhausted from crying so much today. I guess all my pent-up frustration blew off today. I still feel a small spurge of anger every now and then. I think I'm just angry at myself now. Angry that I showed him my weak side. Angry that he now knows how much power he has over me. Angry that I'm so weak and powerless. Should I even be angry over these things? Being possessive and prideful feels so awful and I don't want to be.

Christmas Presents + My Store

So I've finally opened my online store! I might change the name if I can think of a better one. At the moment it's pretty empty. I'm planning on selling some of my unwanted lightly-used clothes and more accessories.

Now onto my Christmas presents! Today was the last day of school so yaaay, winter holiday! I have exams the week after though. :I

This is a tin thing. Not sure what to put in it yet, but it's so pretty. *u*

Small box thing with a nail file!

Not much to say about each one since it's pretty obvious what they are, lol.

Oh, things are getting better with my boyfriend. We've cleared up the misunderstanding and for some reason, we're a lot closer than before. :D To be honest, I feel kinda apprehensive talking about the good parts of my relationship because something bad always happens after I do, though it'd be really nice to have good memories recorded down. :c

Not sure what else to say so I'll just end this here, sorry!

Broken.

He told me that he might fall in love with Girl X again if he kept talking to her all the time.

Sigh.

Long story. We had a long talk about it. I stayed up until 5 AM to try and resolve this whole thing. He didn't realise how bad what he said sounded. He said he wanted to limit his closeness with girls because he tends to fall in love with whoever he talks to the most. Is that all I'm worth? Is our relationship so fragile that his feelings would sway just from having a close girl friend? Is our relationship that worthless?

He says no. He tells me he loves me.

But he destroyed my trust in him. How can I trust him whenever he talks to girls now? I'll only be reminded that he could fall in love with each and any girl. To think he gave me so much shit for being insecure when I was right in being so this whole time.

Turns out it was a sort of misunderstanding because he worded it badly. What he meant to say was that he didn't see the point in being close with other girls when he already has me. I don't know how he managed to phrase it so badly without realising how much it could hurt me.

We keep having misunderstandings because of this. :/ He keeps phrasing things badly and making me misunderstand. He doesn't respect me either. Whenever we had arguments without Girl X stepping in as a mediator, it always ended with him telling me to change and that I'm the one at fault, that I'm the one with problems. When I tell him my point of view, he shuts out everything I say. But when Girl X steps in, she explains my feelings to him and he listens to her. He reconsiders everything. When Girl X steps in, we reach a mutual agreement that we both need to make some improvements. He respects her and see her as an equal, taking in her opinions, but he doesn't do the same for me. Why?

At first I was staying in this relationship because I believed the good times made up for the bad. But now I don't know anymore.

OOTD: Lazy Days + Update

New blog theme! :D This one's not has ridiculously girly as my last one, lol.

These outfits are from a few months ago but I didn't think of uploading them here. They're all pretty lazy OOTDs - just a simple top paired with skinny jeans.

Black shirt with hot pink sleeve + collar borders and a sequinned design.

Fitted red top.

Purple shirt with fake-studded design.

The sleeves are translucent with a super cute bow by the collar. *u*

Even this selfie is lazy.

Aside from that, I haven't gotten any offers from any universities yet. I've submitted a portfolio just today and still need to get around to sending another one. I have an interview in exactly a week! ; ~; I'm actually not feeling nervous just yet - I don't think the realisation has kicked in yet. I should start preparing for it too.

The past two weeks have been super stressful because I had a lot of school work and then something happened to my boyfriend. Things have calmed down now - he's not moving out anymore. But this means we can't vidchat anymore while he's at home. Voice-calling should be safe, but we haven't been doing a lot of that either. :x We had an argument (well, more of a disagreement) the other day too. He was talking about another girl again whom he felt like was hitting on him. He said, "I'd be dumb to let you go over a risk since I know you better", which seemed to imply that the only reason he's sticking with me is because I'm "safe". He snapped at me a few days before that too, because I was blaming myself again for getting him in trouble. I ranted to a mutual friend (it was Girl X, actually. She's really nice, haha) and she said she's going to have a talk to my boyfriend about this since it wasn't fair that I was being treated like this.

Our argument led from the way he keeps wording things badly and causing me to misunderstand, to how he always gets angry at me now when I'm sad rather than being sweet like he did during the first few months of our relationships, to how I'm always sad for "no reason" and "never talk" in calls. I do talk a lot more in our calls now. A lot more than I did before. I'm still not fully conversational and talkative because I've always been shy and awkward, but I'm slowly getting used to it. It makes me sad when he keeps bringing that up as a problem all the time and accusing me of not trying when I've already made some progress. :c He's an extrovert while I'm an introvert, so he finds it hard to understand why it's so difficult for me to just talk. I told him how bad my social anxiety is: a few weeks ago, I raised my hand in front of a large class. All I did was ask the teacher a question, but afterwards I realised my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop the shaking. After he heard that, I think he felt bad and apologised. I apologised too for being so incompetent.

I think we have disagreements quite a lot compared to normal couples. Or maybe just our mutual friend is in a healthy, balanced relationship. Anyway, I'm going to try to stop being sad so often now. I really just need to get over my dumb insecurity issues and ask him if I misunderstand anything instead of being passive-aggressive. My insecurity issues were getting better the week before the whole thing with his parents happened. But then after receiving a hoard of texts from his older sister (married with kids) telling me that I was breaking apart their family and that if I really loved him, I'd break up with him, I think my problems came back again. Sigh. It'll take a while before I can really get better.