I really need a friend to talk to.

So the guy I mentinoned in my previous post and I are officially bf/gf now. We were both video-chatting when I decided to say yes. I was happy seeing how happy he was, haha. Sorta like he just exploded in happiness.

We were basically talking about this whole relationship thing again yesterday. We didn't get to finish our convo because I had to go, so we continued it again this afternoon. He explained to me that a relationship was basically just two people who like each other trying it out. He said if it doesn't work out, we could always go back to being friends.

After that, we just chatted for a while, then he had to go for 30 mins. In the meantime, his friend (the one who randomly added me on Skype) IMed me.

I don't really know, but it felt like he was... questioning my decision? Before when I wasn't sure about a relationship, he IMed me and seemed like he was trying to talk me into it. But now it seems like he's trying to talk me out of it. I don't understand why. What is he trying to achieve?

At first I thought maybe he was just being a jerk or something. I remembered that my... bf, I guess haha, said that he was a decent person. So I thought maybe he was just trying to test me to see if I can be convinced to break up easily and how strong my feelings were.

I don't like this. Even if this really is what his intent was, I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm just questioning myself. For some reason I started thinking: "I hate myself". I feel like a douchebag. I don't even know how strong my feelings are. I don't know what kinda things I'd do for someone I like. Do I really like him or do I just feel flattered? But I've never felt this way towards another person before. I don't know. I almost cried because I felt like I was tricking him. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible person.

I really need a friend to talk to. I can't talk to the bf because, well, I don't want to cause some kinda friendship trouble between them. It's funny because he was telling me that becoming bf/gf is basically like a status upgrade. A girlfriend would take priority if he was, for example, talking to his other friends. But in my case, I think him being my boyfriend was a status downgrade. If he was just a friend, maybe I'd talk to him about this and rant about it if the same thing was happening to me but with another guy. But now I can't talk to him about this. I hate it. I want to cry.

I miss Tori. She would've been the first person I'd talk to if this happened. She would've listened. She wouldn't have been subjective or judgemental.

Why is my mind so easily manipulated? All his friend did was say a few sentences to me and now I'm questioning everything. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. I hate myself. I hate this.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea from the start. Maybe I should've just listened to my instincts because my instincts are always right. It's too late.

Afraid of emotions.

So today is my birthday - I'm officially 17! But I'm not here to write about that, haha. Last night was probably one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me.

Basic story is that I've been talking to a guy on Skype a lot recently and I have a lot of fun talking to him. He has asked me hypothetical questions before - whether I'd date him if he was there in the same country (he lives in the US) and he asked me out. It seems that he likes me, maybe. I didn't really give a definite answer, just "I don't know".

I spent a day or two asking myself the same question. I've been pretty restless for the last few nights. Kept thinking about him and couldn't sleep. To the point that I kept thinking about him constantly all day. And I think... I think I kinda like him too? I don't know. I don't know how this whole 'like' things work. How do you know if you like someone?

I've never felt so emotionally-drained, haha. I was confused and didn't know if I really do like him, or if I'm just nervous from anxiety. Either way, I have no idea what I was supposed to do in a situation like this. I'm scared of liking someone. I'm scared of not being able to control my feelings. I'm scared of not understanding my feelings. The night before yesterday, I tried to think about how this relationship would work, and I just saw dead ends. So I decided to try and shut out my feelings as much as I can. I'm scared of drowning in emotions.


Woke up yesterday feeling a bit less anxious because I had spent the night logically finding 'the right answer'. I spent the whole of yesterday texting him, just having fun like usual. But when I got home, I noticed that I had received a friend request from his friend. This is random, I thought. At that moment, I sort of just knew that he was serious in having a relationship with me. I instinctively knew that something was going to happen sooner or later.


I kept feeling very jittery after coming to that realisation. My hands were literally shaking when I tried to ramble to a friend and reason with myself. I still feel like the relationship would only have dead ends. The best thing to do would be to just remain as friends.


After IMing for a while, we were in a group call along with a friend of his, watching Person of Interest together. His other friend (the one who randomly added me) signed on and started talking to me about the hypothetical question. "So would you date him?", etc. I didn't want to say no but I didn't want to say yes either. And I don't know if the reason why I don't want to say yes is because I'm an egoist who thinks nothing good is going to come out of it, so I might as well just say no and end this all there and then. But I didn't want to say no. Argh, I don't even know.


I ended up not watching PoI while talking to his friend, haha. Got too distracted and was thinking too hard. His other friend in the group call left to do something, so it was just the two of us. We carried on talking as usual (btw I was IMing what I wanted to say - because I was in the living room and couldn't talk. I suck at talking anyway haha). Suddenly he asked me if I had time to stay up longer. I said I did. I noticed that there was a long pause after that, and Skype showed that he was typing something. Typing and typing.


Then he just confessed that he likes me.

He couldn't say it out loud otherwise his parents might overhear, and they're really strict with this whole dating stuff haha. This is the first time someone has ever confessed to me face-to-face (well not quite face-to-face but you know what I mean). I didn't know what to do. I was happy, but I was scared too. Do I actually like him? What's the concept behind relationships? What's the point of it? How would this work? What if I started acting like a bitchy possessive girlfriend?


We spent 3 hours straight talking about this. I pointed out some problems this relationship could have and he explained it all. But I still felt hesitant. I think I just wasn't ready. I told him this and he was okay with us just being friends, which is great. He told me to tell him if I change my mind. He was happy that we could remain as friends, I think. He was glad that I had thought about this before. He said that the last two times he confessed to a girl, they all reacted negatively. And that makes me feel pretty good being the only one who sorta reciprocates his feelings, like I'm special or something haha.


So I guess that's that. We're just gonna stay as friends, I think. Though to be honest, I'm still kind of scared because I'm attracted to people who like me, so I hope my feelings don't intensify or something. What if I eventually liked him back for sure and wanted to go through with this relationship, but he had moved on already?


He was so sweet when he was telling me all of this. He said he was really jittery so sorry if he made any typos. I could hear that he was really flustered since we were in a call. It was cute, haha. I think my heart was beating pretty fast. oh god. I still don't know how I'm feeling. I still feel kind of strange right now. As if my heart is itchy or something, I don't know. I've had this feeling before when I dreamed about falling in love. I'm scared. I don't want to be far away from someone I like. I've had dreams about this before and it hurt so much - I cried every single time. I think the biggest problem I have is still with the long distance. I imagined what it would be like if we lived close-by, and it looked like fun, haha. Or maybe I'm just creating some perfect scenario in my head in which I don't feel anxious and confused. I don't know.


So yeah. That's all that can happen for now. I feel a bit lighter after the talk, but still a bit confused. We'll just have to see how this goes.