Crying

I'm crying so much right now.

I regret everything I did for my dad. I'm not religious but I've often prayed to God, wishing for him to have a long life and to not condemn him because of the way he treats my mom sometimes. Even despite how unreasonable he is to me sometimes, I pray for him not to die or get an illness.

I guess it's too late. He's already gotten some kind of a mental illness long before I started praying. He's not the dad I loved anymore.

This is what happened just earlier on today:
I was just sitting at my laptop doing homework while biting on my lips, then he started yelling at me for doing it, telling me that my lips would become fat like a black person's (<--he was being racist...).
Me: My lips won't become fat from biting, but I don't really mind if it does.
Dad: Oh, so you don't care!?
Me: Not really.
Dad: Your lips will become fat and ugly when you're older! You can pay for plastic surgery yourself if that happens!!
Me: Okay.
Dad: Pathetic...

I was in a completely neutral mood at that time, even though he had hurt my feelings really badly by calling me "pathetic" and I was already close to crying then. He happened to get a phone call right afterwards so I ranted to an offline Skype friend while he conversed. It's sick how fake he's suddenly sounding when he's speaking to someone else. After he hung up, my mom came into the living room and asked what happened. My dad started telling her how I'm a bad daughter, etc etc.

I got so upset that I burst into tears, saying that I couldn't take it anymore. My mom was really shocked and asked me what happened, so I explained to her while crying. My dad just gave me this disgusted look and called me crazy.

We just argued to and fro from there. My mom tried to help by telling my dad that I would be able to stop biting my lips slowly with step-by-step encouragement like how I stopped biting my fingers, but he just refused to believe it and said that the only reason I stopped biting my fingers was thanks to him.

I told him that it was thanks to all of the people who have encouraged me to stop biting them, and that it wasn't just him alone. All I said was this sentence; no swear words, no insults, nothing. Then he just exploded. He started insulting himself, saying "OH, SO I'M AN IDIOT NOW, HUH? SO I'M A BASTARD, HUH?"

I said that I never said those, and he just carried on insulting himself and spazzing out. It just went on and on, with my dad saying that I don't appreciate anything he does for me and that I should listen to everything he says because he earns the family's income. I asked him what was wrong with me earning my own money to get plastic surgery, and he was like "OH THEN GO EARN MONEY NOW THEN! BUT YOU CAN'T, HUH??? EXACTLY!!!!"

I didn't even say that I was going to get surgery with his money. He was the one who suggested for me to get surgery in the first place.

I just feel like shit right now. My dad still doesn't know that I used to cut myself in the past because of him, because he said I was a "waste of money and time". If I were a waste of money, then maybe I should just go and die. That would save him money and he can get insurance or something.

This probably sounds really scary but my hands have this weird itch, like I want to take something sharp and plunge it into my skin (I'm not going to though). I just feel like dying and rotting in the ground. I remember all the things I do for my dad. I never buy expensive clothes, complain about having no pocket money or whine to go to expensive places. That's because I don't want to trouble him or waste his money. Instead, he uses his money to buy an iPad, new mobile phones and new laptops. Sure, he earnt the money himself so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but that doesn't mean I'm his slave. That doesn't mean that I have to jump off a cliff if he orders me to.

I just feel so sad. I wish I was dead.

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Update: Feeling a lot better now.