Two-Faced

Today while I was waiting to take my French exam, I noticed my 'best friend' talking to a lot of new friends and being conversational. Then I noticed another one of my fake 'friends' hanging out in a small group of people.
I wondered why my 'best friend' seemed to be more sociable than me. I try hard to be a honest and decent person. I help out people who ask for it. I listen to those who aren't given a chance to speak out. I never judge people according to rumours.

Then I realised one thing: they are both two-faced. You know, like the stereotypical annoying bitchy girls you see in some teenage movies? They treat you differently compared to everyone else. They act like best friends with the people they claim to hate. They're exactly like that.

The sad thing is that almost no one else seems to have realised this. Am I just thinking too much? Or maybe it's easier to talk to two-faced people because you'd be able to relate to each other on how much you hate so-and-so. I really want to talk to one of the few friends I somewhat trust about this, but I'm afraid of losing their friendship. What if they end up betraying me? What if they end up thinking that I'm the one who sounds two-faced? I'm really shy and quiet in real life, and I'd probably never go up to someone's face and say that they're two-faced, despite how much I always complain about people badmouthing each other behind their backs.

I'll tell you a couple of stories about those two-faced girls:

There's a girl in my Design&Technology (DT), art and music class for three years. Let's call her River. I never had any friends in those classes, but she'd always pair up with me for any partner works and help me out when I have any questions. I admit that she has asked me to send her my homework a couple of times, but at least she appreciated it. She thanked me for helping her, unlike my 'best friend' and that other fake friend. People have always been badmouthing her, saying how she's just trying to be popular whenever she does something. I never listened to them.

And now that we chose our GCSE options, we were in the same DT class again. I don't know how, but my 'best friend' (also in the same class) began interfering in our friendship. She kept trying to impress River or something, and helped her out with drawings and stuff. But that's not the problem; I usually focus on my work in class anyway. My 'best friend' started telling me that she thought River was stupid and annoying, and all that shit. At first I could understand because River asked me for my homework a lot of times in the past, so it was annoying to some extent (JUST DO YOUR WORK!). Besides, you don't need to like everyone you meet. There was even a time when River copied one of my 'best friend's designs, which was obviously something she shouldn't have done. But then my 'best friend' decided to act all nice and friendly to River, while still bullshitting about her behind her back and telling other people that River copied her design.

I didn't like it. I didn't like how I felt as if River has replaced me with some incompetent faker. I didn't like how she was treating River. I didn't like how River was completely clueless.

My 'best friend' also keeps ditching me aside whenever there's "better" people around. She thinks now that I'm her "friend", I was like a piece of property that she can just keep. Suddenly, it's okay to treat me like dirt because I'm her "belonging". I'm sure that is what's going through her head subconsciously.

Whenever I'm sitting next to someone else or talking to them, she starts interrupting and telling me to move over, even though there's plenty of space on my other side. It's like she just wants to cut off all of my potential friendships. I can just feel myself getting angrier just typing this. Why am I so useless? Why do I let myself be thrown around like trash? I wish I could somehow go back to the past and prevent this from happening. I always included her when I'm having conversations with someone else. I always asked her questions to bring her into our talk, explained to her what's going on and listened to her when no one else did.

So why the hell is she treating me like this? Is it so freaking hard to appreciate it? Is it so hard to return it? Is it so hard to even just acknowledge it?

She's also the one who started the rumour about me being emo. It spread like fucking wildfire across the year. I confess that I had cut myself before because I was going through bouts of depression. I thought that I could talk to her about my problems, but instead, she thought it would make her look so "cool" to share this with everyone. Okay, she only told the other fake friend I mentioned earlier, but that 'friend' decided to tell everyone. I'm pissed at that 'friend' too, but I'm more pissed at my 'best friend' because she's supposed to be someone I could trust.

I just feel so miserable at school when I'm with my own classmates - especially with my 'best friend'. Sometimes I feel better when I talk to the students in other classes because they don't know me as well, so they haven't judged me as deeply. There's one friend I have who makes me smile when we talk, and I tell her things I've never told anyone else. She's coming over to my apartment to film fashion adverts for our CiMedia projects soon. Stupidly, I invited my 'best friend' to come along. I wish I never did. I'm scared of losing my possibly one true friend to her, like how I've already lost several friends.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm pathetic.

I know that I've said this numerous times before, but I really just can't wait to go to college and make a new start.